Wish I'd never married a 'foreigner'.

[MarryinHasteRepentAtLeisure]

Meet DH at the age of 22 in a London nightclub. It was love at first drunken sight! He initially told me he was Italian and I believed him because he looked it and could speak it .

It was a few weeks into the relationship that he admitted he was from an obscure Eastern European country and was in fact here illegally .

I told him to bugger off at first but he won me back .

His family (he has siblings in London) was very unhappy with the situation at first and were quite rude on occasions I met them. His father told him he would be cut off from the family if he stayed with me. We moved in together and the family came round when I had DD (3 years after meeting). In contrast, my family welcomed him with open arms although my mother warned me against marrying him as so she said "you'll always have to wash your own dishes' in reference to his limited work prospects although he has done OK and has always worked very hard but only in 'manual' jobs.

Fast forward 16 years and 3 further DCs later and I bitterly regret marrying someone from another country and culture. We have sent thousands of pounds to his parents in his 'home' country so they can survive over the years as there is not work there and a lot of poverty. DH is always stressed out that we have not managed to build them a big house back there (we struggle enough to live here fgs!) and they have an old car.

His parents did have a chance of living over here but turned it down as they wanted to die in 'their country' which I believe is so selfish as we are having to continue supporting them and worry about their health (healthcare terrible over there).

On the few times I have visited the country I have seen that women are treated like bloody slaves, i.e. the men sit around waiting to be waited on and don't touch anything to do the house or childcare. I spent 'holidays' there being a skivvy so have refused to go the past few years. DH reverts totally to type in the company of any of his countrymen and it drives me insane as he normally helps in the house and with the DCs (he has been laughed at before because of this).

When we had childcare problems a few years ago, he refused point blank to quit his (crap) job to look after the DCs so I had to give up my better paid job which put us in a really bad situation financially and I have never forgiven him for that. The childminder we were using accused my 3 year old DD of putting a cushion over her 6 week old baby's face and trying to feed the baby sausages and I could not leave DD in that situation. It was only 9 months until she was to start school so I was not going to upset her by putting her into a different childcare setting again. DH would have been happy yo leave her with the childminder though.

The DCs have missed out on having their GP in this country (my parents visit a few times a year) and as his culture does not celebrate birthdays or christmas, they miss out on anything from his whole extended family. I am not close to any of his sisters (5 of them) as they have not accepted me and whenever we meet all they talk about is how bloody wonderful their country is (love to tell them to piss off back there tbh).

Now it has come to a head as DH thinks he can just swan off back 'home' for a week leaving me with 4 DCs. I suffer from anxiety and stress and will really struggle with this not to mention the fact that I am terrified of being alone overnight. He knows this but is still going.

I now wish to god I'd never married him even though I love him. Am at a loss.

i met my OH in similar circumstances. i don't regret it at all. we have grown together and i have always asserted my opinions over cultural differences. ultimately he left his home country and chose to marry a western woman so there must be an element of being willing to kick against background?

perhaps it is easier without children. i've always been keen to debate stuff rather than just accept family pressure etc.

you should put your foot down about the money home. my OH has similar guilt but actually his family are all living in perfectly acceptable homes. an old car is better than no car (we drive an old car too!) and they all seem to have the latest mobile phones and eat massive amounts of food. a lot of it is just about proving how successful they are to the people back home but what about the family he and you have created in the UK? don't they deserve a decent standard of life? can you afford to buy all your kids houses when they leave home? i bet not.

btw i think you are excusing a lot of bad behaviour on the basis of being 'foreign'. bad behaviour is bad behaviour whatever the background. don't let it cloud your judgement.

TBH - I don't think he sounds that bad from what you have said - I thought you were really going to come out with some real horror story. Are you rerally just having a rant and releasing some stress or do you really mean this.

I am not sure really what he has done that is so wrong.

He supports his parents, which is a commendable act really.

He wants to go and see his parents. Again, why shouldnt he.

The job issue I can to some extent understand. Male pride and his culture is that men work, women do childcare and run the house. It can work in many relationships, not just ones from another culture.

It does not seem to be a good way to live, always thinking 'I shouldn't have done this'. You need to accept that you are where you are because of choices you have made. Either you accept that and learn to look at the positives of your life, or you decide what it is you need to change to have a happy life.

TBH I do not see anything too bad about your husbands behaviour, from what you have described. Apart from how he behaves to you when around his family, and as you say, that is avoidable. Looking after his family is something we don't generally do to the same extent in our culture, but is no bad thing, so long as you can communicate your views on it.

I think your biggest issue is about him prioritising his family over yours and his general view of women.

Can you tackle either of those?

I kind of know what you are saying and as I'm married to someone who prioritises his blood family over his blood one and someone who doesn't actually seem to live in the UK and constantly harps on about home when actually all our free time and money go in one direction. My dh only ever watches his own country's tv on satellelite and hasn't got a clue what's going on here and that does affect me as if I want ot watch any UK tv ie the news - I'm holed up in the bedroom watching it on a mini tv.

Balance is needed - can you talk to your dh?

My dh is a bit like yours as it happens and it has affected our relationship as I really think he'd be happier with someone of his own culture and I'm sick of bending to his (as it's clearly never going to be enough).

But if you can find that spark and talk talk talk, particularly in relation to the kids can you not come to some compromise?

I understand the frustration about the money being sent abroad. Same situation here, Dh is saving to build a new house for PILs. But I have to say, I only really mind if I have to think twice about spending the money here. DHs parents are really nice, hard-working people who don't ask for much. Country where they live in has a risk of imminent or overdue earthquake, current house is not build to withstand, hence DH trying to build a new house.

I quite like DHs culture and have been welcomed by his family. Well, more so than if I had been from the same country but different caste. The only thing that really bugs me is the emotional side of things. They just dont express themselves well and it has led to us drifting apart a bit. He was quite different in the beginning but so was I, I guess.

He is not some chauvinistic pig but if I was asked (there was a thread on here last week) whether I would be happy for my children to be married to someone from a different culture, then I would be hesitent. Unless you are actually married to someone from a different culture, I dont think you can fully appreciate the difficulties that come along with it. Of course it also has its advantages but it can be bloody hard work.

It sounds like you are pretty scathing about his country. They have a different culture to yours, doesn't mean their culture is bad and yours is good. Also I think it's a bit harsh to label his parents as 'so selfish' for wanting to die in their own country. Basically you make it sound like you were forced into marrying this guy, and that his family and indeed country have all conspired to make your life as awful as possible. As someone else has said, it is not selfish of him to want to visit his elderly parents.

It is apparent however that you are deeply unhappy. Instead of blaming this on his culture, perhaps you should look at what is and isn't fixable, and weigh up whether it is worth continuing in the relationship. No one deserves to be unhappy, and in spite of what you might feel, you are not 'stuck' in this situation.

nbyet, good sentiment, but IME, if you don't blame the culture, you blame the man. You blame the man, that's it. Game Over.

I dropped my misogynistic, abusive 'H' off at the airport last Thursday. I never thought life could be worse than the 3 yrs I spent in his country, the abuse, the mind games, the violence... but I was wrong. The days before he left rank among the hardest I have ever lived. The 60 minutes in the car to the airport was an A-Z of all the manipulative tricks in the book.

For years (while in Egypt) I blamed the culture for much of the problems we were having. I felt sure that when he got back here (We met here, he'd lived 20 yrs in London before we left) I though he would re-learn everything he was before.

I was wrong.

It's OK to be scathing about a country that doesn't meet your basic needs. Egypt - for me - was hell on earth, I couldn't accept a single part of it, the way children/women live, are treated, the men, the women, hygiene, respect for life both animal and human, you name it, I couldn't accept it.

It's OPs opinion, she may be wrong, she may be right, she is talking about her experiences and what she has observed and can or can not accept.

I know there are many people that love living in Egypt, I just have no idea how, but they do

I've had this discussion before, when a H is forrin, we find it harder to pick up subtle nuances, and make allowances way more than we would for a bloke from our own culture. The language issue hides a lot, we think Oh he didn't really mean to say it like that, or if you challenge them, often (Mine did anyway) they say, oh you got the wrong impression, it's cos I don't speak english as a first language.

TBH OP, there is a conversation that needs to be had. That as a wife here in the UK, married to him for as long as you have been, he ought to have cottoned onto what's what by now.

Then tell him that THIS is what you expect/need/want from a partner and also what YOU are prepared to GIVE.

You need to negotiate a compromise, an agreed percentage for savings to be sent, savings to be kept for your OWN rainy days. Or if he would like to send more money, then he needs to get a 2nd job.

If you going back to work is what you want and if it would put your family in a much better position then that is logically what you have to do. If he is not happy with that arrangement, he needs to get more jobs to compensate quite frankly.

You need to stand your ground really.

This reads like a Daily Mail article. I suggest you sell your story, and get paid for it! An English woman willingly enters a relationship with a man from a different culture, and ends up blaming the 'bloody foreigner' for all the inevitable problems that their relationship encounters.

I sympathise (also married a foreigner), but you need to get a grip.

I see your point about sending money home to his parents (presumably you are not sending payments to yours), but as LittleMiss said, you could work out an agreed percentage or amount.

His parents were not selfish to choose to live in their own country. That's crazy talk.

He didn't force you to quit your job - you could have found another childminder. It happens to working parents quite often, and it sucks, but your DD may well have thrived with a different CM. You made a choice there, as did he (keep her with the same CM), and you didn't agree. Surely you two should have sat down and come up with a solution acceptable to you both??

And frankly a week away in his home country is perfectly reasonable on the face of it (though that does depend on how many weeks per year he does that!) Maybe he could even take one or more DC with him to visit the grandparents.

You sound deeply disappointed in your DH. And you may well be fully justified in that. I just don't know how much has to do with his 'foreigness'. If he doesn't do enough to help, doesn't treat you with respect, and if after 16 years together you can't resolve really basic childcare issues together, then hell yes, you have a problem. I reckon the obscure Eastern European country doesn't have much to do with it, as you could have gotten all those "qualities" and more at home!

I think the basic problem is that you are transferring the blame for all that is wrong to your husband and his culture/family.

The job thing, well many people have low paid manual jobs. That's hardly something you can pin on the fact he's from another country.

And whilst I can see how frustrating it can be for him to revert to type when he's at home and be a chauvinist. Given you are not there for long, could you not agree that in public you will be more "tolerant" so he doesn't lose face with his relatives & friends but in private and when he returns home, he bloody well makes up for it.

And sorry, a week to go home sounds fair. My partner is from Eastern Europe too and she regularly goes to visit her family. Why shouldn't she? Sometimes I will go if finances & work allow.

To be honest, none of the reasons you posted sound to be related to him being a foreigner and more the fact you are not living the lifestyle you think you should be and blaming him for that.

I married a foreigner. He and his family do/say unexpected or peculiar things sometimes. This would also happen if I had married an English man with an English family. It sounds trite but maybe find some things you actually like about your husband's culture and it might irritate/ threaten you less. Have you got the sort of relationship where you can joke about the 'wierdness' or whatever? Does your husband also find his parents funny and sometimes a pain or is it all deadly serious? Making a joke has saved us many a time.

The only bit that would irritate me is that he is putting the needs of his parents who can work etc above the needs of his young children who rely upon him and you for their needs to be met, I would put an end to the money home if it was me, until you no longer have dependants at home. I find that quite disgusting that he has that priority.

I don't like a lot of his behaviour, the thing is seeing as you took him on with full knowledge of his culture, the way the family treated you and women in general, and that was the case for 3 years, you kind of got in the tin what was on the label, you kind of made your bed and now you don't like it and you have only yourself, not his culture to blame for your choices.

I don't think his parents are being selfish for wanting to go back to their home country. I would want to if I were them.
Are you saying you expect them to live somewhere they would rather not be just to make you happy??

IMO you bought into this when you married him and it is part of who he is. Either accpet it or leave.

And, find a way of being happier on your own over night. Lots of parents cope with the other half being away for a short while for a whole variety of reasons equally as good as your husband's.

Sorry, you sound nice but i don't have a whole lot of sympathy

I agree with Migrating, you sound a nice lady, and I also have not a lot of sympathy for you either.

I would put an end to the money home if it was me, until you no longer have dependants at home. I find that quite disgusting that he has that priority

That's not always as simple as that though much will depend upon their individual and family circumstances.

If its a very poor country and his family are poor then its hard to say oh you can't send money because we won't be able to afford Sky TV and junior needs a new pair of shoes this month, when your mother & father can't afford to buy food.

Luckily my GF's parents are fairly well off compared to most of their friends in her country. But some of the stories you hear would be unheard of in the UK. So you can't easily apply the same standards.

Stop sending money to his family you have 4 children that is uni fees x 4 to be found.

HE SOUNDS LIKE A REAL TWAT WHERE EVER HE IS FROM

DH is always stressed out that we have not managed to build them a big house back there (we struggle enough to live here fgs!) and they have an old car.

Niceguy, it sounds more about status to me, it sounds like they want a bigger house and a newer car, they don't sound like they are starving by the description from OP!

I am a bit cynical but are you sure that the big house and all the money send over there are for his parents only?
Does he want to go back too? Do his plans for the future involve you? Do you have plans and investments together?

Well - op is really hacked off with him and put's it down to her dh and his family.

Thing is when you marry someone from overseas you often do end up spending all your free time in that country so oh can see their family. That can get very tiresome going to the one place over and over and it's not really a holiday. Pretty much everyone I know is in a relationship with an overseas national and that's the biggest gripe and something you have to consider if you're the kind of person who likes to holiday in different places. God knows how couples from different countries living in a third country manage to see their respective families.

Your feelings are valid - you say your family accepted him and his didn't accept you. But you accepted your dh like this. You need to really talk to him about the amount of money going back to his family as it sounds like it's more than is needed at a time when your family need it.

Strive for more balance but it's going to be hard all these years on.

However, OP - you really should try your best to get help with your stress and fear of being alone overnight. Your dh does have the right to see his family. Do you have any other support when he's away?

i left ex because of cultural differences too but i think he was a massive cunt naturally didnt matter where he from!

I could very easily say the same as MrsDr. Every word in fact.

You don't know you have a culture until yours is threatened, you don't know you have ways of going about things, many things, that bears no resemblance, it totally different in every conceivable way, to how another culture would go about it. You fall in love and think love will conquer all. It doesn't, nothing like!, but you don't know that at the beginning or for a very long time.

It is embedded in him OP that his family abroad will always come first. It doesn't matter how you put it to him, it is a matter of family honour that he serve them in the way they expect. That won't change. His family haven't accepted you and that will also have influenced him. To put it bluntly, perhaps you were his ticket to stay here legally.

I don't know if it is as cut and dried as that, especially after 16 years (though is divorce common in his country?). He will be something of a hero over there - "our son, who is making it in england with an english wife" - and they will probably expect all english people to have tea at 4 and the men to wear bowler hats. (I'm not exaggerating - I have been a host to foreign students of all ages for years and they all trot out these myths about blighty, even the ones from europe, and are surprised that britain is 'ordinary') His family definitely will expect that he is their ticket to a standard of living that is a cut above everyone elses where they live, thanks to their son. Hence him wanting to buy them a big house. OP, if you were rich they would adore you.

I'm not sure how his parents can live here legally (?) anyway, but I think it is reasonable that they want to live and die in their own country. I'm not sure why you think they are being selfish to want that but perhaps what you are saying is that you begrudge all the money that is going to them. He's not going to stop that btw, and has probably told everyone at home that he has a much better job than he does. Anyway, would you want them in your face all the time? They would be if they lived here.

I don't agree with the bed/lie argument - ridiculously harsh imo - but I do think you have to either accept all these differences or you have to get out of the marriage. I always advise women not to marry a foreigner. That may seem narrow but it is an opinion carved out of not only my (bitter) experience but 99.9% of the women I have met who have done the same. Marriage can be hard enough without the myriad differences in culture, which are not even apparent to either of you because they are so deeply embedded.

YOu say you will 'never forgive him' for the childminder issue, and that may mark the point where the rot has set in in a dangerous way. There is no way a man from a culture like that would stay at home to look after children, even his own, and it is unreasonable of you to not understand that about his culture after 16 years, that it would be the deepest insult to his manhood. If he stopped working he also wouldn't be earning any money to send home, which is his top priority, over and above you and your children. He would probably rather top himself than live off you, and use your money to send home.

He may have been adept at covering up that underneath some 'british' layers he has managed to put on like a set of clothes, he is eastern european through and through. You have to accept that OP, or go.

wow smokin - that was harsh.

I think it depends on the man. My parents are of very different cultures and there were no issues. But it was about give and take with two people who weren't that rigid in their own cultures and my dm didn't feel the need to visit her family 3 times a year so there was some balance. My dh is an overseas national and he wants to recreate his home town ways in our home right here and all free time back in his home town. Thats hard.

1 week to visit aging parents is absolutely nothing. I don't see how OP's dh can compromise on that. OP doesn't like his family so won't want to go but cannot be left alone. That puts him in an impossible situation.

OP listen up - my ils constantly tell me how wonderful their country is as well and how damned lucky I am to have married into their family blah blah. It's called being provincial - most of the world is like this. Laugh it off. You cannot blame your husband if sils don't except you.

Get the money side agreed with him and also get yourself a good support network and help for your panic attacks and stress.

Really giveitago? Which bit? I don't know why you thought it was harsh.