Wish I'd never married a 'foreigner'.

[MarryinHasteRepentAtLeisure]

Meet DH at the age of 22 in a London nightclub. It was love at first drunken sight! He initially told me he was Italian and I believed him because he looked it and could speak it .

It was a few weeks into the relationship that he admitted he was from an obscure Eastern European country and was in fact here illegally .

I told him to bugger off at first but he won me back .

His family (he has siblings in London) was very unhappy with the situation at first and were quite rude on occasions I met them. His father told him he would be cut off from the family if he stayed with me. We moved in together and the family came round when I had DD (3 years after meeting). In contrast, my family welcomed him with open arms although my mother warned me against marrying him as so she said "you'll always have to wash your own dishes' in reference to his limited work prospects although he has done OK and has always worked very hard but only in 'manual' jobs.

Fast forward 16 years and 3 further DCs later and I bitterly regret marrying someone from another country and culture. We have sent thousands of pounds to his parents in his 'home' country so they can survive over the years as there is not work there and a lot of poverty. DH is always stressed out that we have not managed to build them a big house back there (we struggle enough to live here fgs!) and they have an old car.

His parents did have a chance of living over here but turned it down as they wanted to die in 'their country' which I believe is so selfish as we are having to continue supporting them and worry about their health (healthcare terrible over there).

On the few times I have visited the country I have seen that women are treated like bloody slaves, i.e. the men sit around waiting to be waited on and don't touch anything to do the house or childcare. I spent 'holidays' there being a skivvy so have refused to go the past few years. DH reverts totally to type in the company of any of his countrymen and it drives me insane as he normally helps in the house and with the DCs (he has been laughed at before because of this).

When we had childcare problems a few years ago, he refused point blank to quit his (crap) job to look after the DCs so I had to give up my better paid job which put us in a really bad situation financially and I have never forgiven him for that. The childminder we were using accused my 3 year old DD of putting a cushion over her 6 week old baby's face and trying to feed the baby sausages and I could not leave DD in that situation. It was only 9 months until she was to start school so I was not going to upset her by putting her into a different childcare setting again. DH would have been happy yo leave her with the childminder though.

The DCs have missed out on having their GP in this country (my parents visit a few times a year) and as his culture does not celebrate birthdays or christmas, they miss out on anything from his whole extended family. I am not close to any of his sisters (5 of them) as they have not accepted me and whenever we meet all they talk about is how bloody wonderful their country is (love to tell them to piss off back there tbh).

Now it has come to a head as DH thinks he can just swan off back 'home' for a week leaving me with 4 DCs. I suffer from anxiety and stress and will really struggle with this not to mention the fact that I am terrified of being alone overnight. He knows this but is still going.

I now wish to god I'd never married him even though I love him. Am at a loss.

Thanks for all the replies. To be perfectly honest, before I got pregnant (before we got married) I had no idea of what his 'culture' was like. I was not aware he was sending money home or that his father had threatened to cut him off or that the women were treated little better than slaves. I had never heard of his country, let alone been there. I had very little contact with his siblings and was pretty much blind to everything as I was in luurve! I do blame DH for that.

As soon as he told me he was illegal and we eventually got back together, I made him declare himself here and apply for asylum. When he come to this country he never intended to stay. I often used to joke with him that he was using me for a passport but that was not the case. He could have applied without any help from me and got leave to remain and the right to work legally before I even got pregnant.

I think now he is getting older as his parents are as well, he is feeling more pressure to 'achieve' something for them and it is all about the status, the house they live in now is perfectly decent.

His parents did have a chance to live here legally back in 2000 as they were granted temporary leave to remain here as their country was involved in a war. I broke my balls to get them over here, chasing up the foreign office etc. After the year they were granted was up, they could have applied for permission to remain here as many of their peers did but his father would not stay. So they wnet back to a country with no work to a bombed out house and expected us to support them when they had at least 10-15 years or working years ahead of them which they could have done here and gone back to live there later. This REALLY pisses me off as if they'd stayed here, things would have been so much better for everyone and they realise this now when it's too bloody late.

I do like them a lot (his parents), just not their culture. Like, last time I went over there, his mother wanted me to serve tea (in tiny glasses so you have to refill every fecking 5 mins) to the 20 or so guests they had. I felt like a waitress and was constantly running about but she wanted me to do it so their relatives could see that even though her son had married an 'english' I could still behave like them FFS. That is just one example.

Smokinnuns - you are mostly right and if I had my time again I would have walked away when he told me he was illegal all those years ago.

I do love him though and we get on mostly apart from about the money issue and the trips home. Divorce is something I could not seriously contemplate and he would never separate from the DCS anyway. I just bloody well wish I'd never married someone from abroad.

I haven't seen any statistics on this, but what i believe from purely anecdotal evidence to be true is that marriages from different cultures have a higher rate of failure.

Not that this should necessarily make a difference, I mean the rate of failure is pretty high anyway.

" I do blame DH for that"

H-O-W-L! Do you mean you blame DH for YOU being in love? Please say that isn't what you mean??

Sweetie, the billion glasses of tea don't sound so terrible to me. If they treated you like shit then maybe you've got a point but otherwise.. you sound a bit difficult tbh. I don#t know whether it's because it's 16 years down the line, but did you at any stage make any effort to find out anything about his culture and his country? It doesn't sound like you have any fondness for his country (your dc are half blah blah, remember). My ex may have been loathsome but I did my own research into his country and did, still do, love it - he was just a poor representative of what are lovely people. I struggled with his culture, for sure, but I accepted that that was the culture he came from. You're ILs have also been through a war for goodness sake OP which probably decimated their country and bombed their home. You sound a bit like a nightmare OP and I can't help feeling sorry for your DH, who is living in your country and will have had to make huge adjustments to accommodate your country and culture. Do you hate him? If so, how long have you hated him? You are not accommodating his culture at all from what you have said. You may have realised that what you wanted was an english husband but that isn't what you have. You made that choice.

I am normally a lurker but had to post on this thread.

OP, starting your post by saying your DH is from some obscure Eastern European country made me really angry. I understand you did not know anything about his country when you met, but really? Obscure? Just because of geography?

I also think your view of his country's culture could be very biased. I am Eastern European and have done a lot of work in the region and most of the things you mention are not typical for the region at all. Yes there are some massive cultural differences compared to the UK but not of the type you describe.

Sorry, not particularly useful, just trying to make you aware that you come across as quite dismissive of other cultures, to say the least.

OP, you say you love him and divorce is not an option. So, you've got two things to sort out that will improve your marriage: your pride and your attitude.

My DH is British, but grew up in countries with traditional attitudes to women. He is never gonna be a modern man. For years I got bitter about it, wished I'd married someone else etc, but that didn't do wonders for our marriage as you might imagine! Now I think no-one really knows exactly what they're getting into when they marry. So I look for the positives and concentrate on being the best woman, wife and mother I can be. Be thankful things get better when you come home from your PILs' country!

It's a great talent to be able to serve others expecting nothing in return. Feel sorry for the men you give tea to, that they aren't developing that skill - but do it yourself to the best of your ability. It's only your pride that's hurt. And you're not being a slave: you could choose to refuse - you are giving them your service voluntarily, as a gift. If they don't appreciate it, that only makes you more generous.

Ironcurtain i am thinking from your name you are from a post soviet county whereas i am thinking that the OP is talking about Kosovo. And if she is then i have some idea of what she is on about. My DH is from Albania and the women do run around after the men. BUT i don't. As my DH puts it if wanted that he would have married his mother's choice! But OP you really need to be less submissive and start standing up and being counted. Yes me and DH have clashes but that is because it is about give and take and not give give on one side and take take on other. But that is true of ALL marriages not just the culturally mixed.

I'm sorry, but you not finding out about him and his culture before getting married is your fault, not his. Stop blaming him for your mistakes.

And smoking is right, your children are half from this culture you so readily dismiss. That seems to me to set up very bad vibes for them and how they will learn to view themselves.

My ex may have been loathsome but I did my own research into his country and did, still do, love it - he was just a poor representative of what are lovely people.

Good point, smokingnuns. Very much my experience too.

My wife is East European and I agree there are cultural differences. I understand about sending money home - we do that occasionally as both my inlaws are retired and pensions are very low in their country. It also means that we tend to spend most of our holiday allowance over there - I don't mind that too much as the weather is usually very hot and gorgeous in summer. Winter trips can be fun with temperatures down to -30C, though! My wife does go on her own sometimes and last year we spent 5 weeks apart when she took our son for an extended visit when she wasn't working. That was difficult but I understood why she wanted to do it.

The most amusing difference is that she's much more tactile and direct than most English women and can come over as flirty without meaning to. This has caused a few problems on occasion when men have thought they were onto a Good Thing .

I'm in a relationship with someone from a different country (though France, so not as different) and it is difficult at times, there are misunderstandings and things that you take as understood in your own culture, aren't necessarily in others.

But - you seem to be blaming your DH for an awful lot, for you not learning about/thinking about the different cultures because you were in love.

You can't change him, you can't change his culture or his family, but you can change your attitude. Have you tried learning more about his language and culture? Doing so won't lessen your own identity, but might give you a deeper insight into your DH and his family. And I also think it's a bit harsh resenting his parents wanting to go back to their country when they had the chance. Wouldn't you want to? Yes, it may have been an absolute mess, but TBH, the draw your home can have for you is quite strong.

I'm actually guessing that if he said initially he was Italian and speaks Italian then he's perhaps Albanian?

Anyhoo. Tbh, I agree with those who say that all things considered, the problem seems to be about what the OP's perception of love and relationships are rather than any bad treatment she is being submitted to, because let's face it, she's not in Albania, she doesn't go to Albania, lots of children grow up with grandparents in different countries (some as far away as Australia and New Zealand)

Lots of British men don't do much around the house.

I don't understand how your child "misbehaving" at the childminder's is anything to do with your husband being foreign? I can understand your husband not wanting to give up his job (even though financially it would have been the better option) because it's a bit of an old-fashioned hunter-gatherer thing isn't it? The man has to be seen as the provider....enough British men still think like that, so we can only imagine how a man from an "obscure Eastern European country" feels about staying at home mopping while his wife works.

If you don't love him, and don't want to be with him, then say so, and leave. But in this instance, I honestly don't think it's the culture to blame. (particularly if it's taken you how many years to notice, and you are, in fact, living in your own country) He probably feels more closely tied to his country of origin because he's not there, his parents are presumably getting on, there's siblings you say also in the UK, he probably feels a measure of guilt towards the parents too.

Marry, think you are getting some sensible advice in some parts and some rather strident opinions in others here. I too am married to a DH from a similarly different culture and it is hard and exhausting ... Fabulous in some ways, too... I get where you are coming from totally - feel free to vent freely...

Hi, another lurker here. I would not have found the serving of tea a problem. I'm British and I would have been expected to prepare and serve food at family gatherings so don't think it's that different. Maybe your ILs were paying you a compliment by asking you (i.e. they see you as being able to fit in with their customs and were looking for similarities between you to connect)

I'm guessing the root of the problem might be the money. If you are struggling financially a bit then maybe you are resentful of DH playing hero by sending money you cannot afford for a big swanky house for ILs or refusing to be the main carer, especially if there was a large income loss. This resentment (and/or financial stress) could be poisoning your whole attitude to his culture (which you feel is to blame) so that being asked to take part in this (e.g. pour tea) is seen in a negative light. Maybe it's time to sit DH down and go over the budget - he has responsibilites to you and DCs and why should you do without so that his parents can be more than comfortable? He chose to live within a different culture - he has to make concessions as well.

has it not occurred to anyone on here that some aspects of other cultures are better than british culture? my husband is loyal, passionate, not into the pub or football, has empathy, is romantic, respects women, respects and loves my parents, thinks of others before himself. i think all of these things come to a great extent from his cultural background.

do you really think marrying a brit is problem free?

The thing is, there are culture differences. Something which you should have realised and accepted a long time ago.

When I first met my now DP, I was really worried because I am not British either and she was from Eastern Europe. I was worried that our cultures would clash as I've lived with a couple of UK women and on occasion we've clashed.

As it happens, our cultures and attitudes are probably closer than myself & a UK person so that works well.

But I do understand that his parents expect him to support them. My culture has the same and so do many other cultures. In most parts of the world, it is entirely normal for the young to look after the old. I grew up in the same house as my grandparents and parents and on many occasions my extended relatives stayed for years at a time.

But try not to just look at the negatives. Also look at the positives in his culture too.

What always occurs to me everytime I read or hear about failed cross cultural marriages, (with particular emphasis on the Non-British partner's culture as being the root of the problem)is how the British spouse always speaks of their British culture as being superior and ergo seems disappointed that the spouse did not abandon their much inferior one in favour of the British one!

I remember one British Caucasian lady expressing disgust at having to eat food with her fingers as opposed to using cutlery. I explained that most indigenous cultures do this because this triggers the digestion process before the food hits the mouth. There are alot more other reasons, but the main point is that it is done for a very good reason and not because they are backward savages.

Niceguy2, I have never come across an indigenous culture which did not expect this of their children. It is completely and utterly alien to their nature.

Lady, interesting and a bit off topic but I had dinner with an indian family and the women ate with their fingers whereas the men had knives and forks and I, as a western woman, was given a knife and fork. I wasn't aware of the digestive thing but do wonder why the men didn't eat with their hands.

ETA: "It is completely and utterly alien to their nature to expect or get otherwise".

Adamschic - There could be a number of reasons for this, and speaking from my own experience, it could be because; they sometimes alternate between using their fingers and using a knife and fork; or the men were a cosmopolitan bunch who have abandoned the practise altogether.

I can't help but wonder if they would have used their hands had you not been there, because to be honest, once you get the hang of it, the food tastes so much better!

i totally agree smokin, i also reserached ex h country and i think its beautiful country, yes i disagree with the way the women are treated and my mil (bless her) was often outraged by my behaviour!! she laughs still with me about it saying that she remembers me going to give ex a drink without serving it on a tray with a napkin!!! but i also knew this was because i had brought up completly differently, i still admire alot of hus culture, he respects his mother and father and has never/ever will backchat them and i still have a good relationship with his family even though we seperated, it didnt work between us because he didnt love me as much as i loved him and we had nothing in common at al, my ds is still half algerian and he will learn about his dadddy culture too, ds eats halal food and will learn arabic, when he is old enough HE will choose whether he follows islam and if he chooses to he will have the tools to do it, if he doesnt he will have arabic as a second language, ds knows he is half algerian and has both our flags in his room (was a nightmare in world cup!!!)

i think if there is a fundamental difference in religious beliefs backing different behaviours that could be difficult.

both me and OH are basically atheist (even thought the country / family he comes from is not). for me this makes it much easier for us to discuss the way we are going to do things because we are not as fixed or attached to our behaviours.

so i've changed my attitude to drinking (no bingeing / getting drunk) and he has changed he attitude to gendered ideas of who should do the housework.

the only thing i would wish to adapt over time is the ratio of friends that are from his home country to include a few different ones but this isn't something that happens overnight and is something a person does as they integrate into their chosen new country - if they have the personality / inclination to do so.

MrsDrOwnHunt: Is your X teaching DS Arabic then? or will you have to send him to lessons... X will have to pay for those surely....

I admire your dedication to his other half as it were. I admire your willingness to maintain contact and access to someone that has shown you such contempt. I honestly don't know how you do it.

I can't teach my DS arabic, I don't speak it. I tried, but had to stop when 'H' accused me of spying on him I also won't encourage religion in any form.

He knows about not eating pork, but that is as far as it goes, and that also is his choice. For now I tell him to make that choice, to avoid it, but in the end he will have the right to decide.

The way I figure it is that I am my culture, 'H' is his, if learning all about Egypt is that important 'H' could have taken an interest in actually teaching him in the 5yrs up till now. he didn't.

'H' wouldn't have any friends that were not from his country. He would also never have any decent friends. All of them were either a lot younger, therefore thought he was cool, and looked up to him and his womanising past, a lot older and looked at him as a son they wished they had had. Much poorer than him, or much more stupid than him.

Points out that MrsDrOH and I know each other...

hello darling little no he can pay for him to learn it. and u dont take enough credit u r fab and i love ya x

Ha ha, I look forward to seeing the pictures of your signed cheque framed and hung on a wall...

Ooh, wonder if we'll get an extra bank holiday for a momentous event like that!

Will there be a party? [hopeful]