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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP's on amateur websites...I feel sick.

38 replies

UndercoverMner · 22/02/2011 11:40

I've had to namechange. I feel too stupid to admit who I am, plus I know a few MNers in RL.

I've just found a few memberships to some adult friend sites. You know the ones. Tacky home movies, pictures messages to meet. The usual stuff.
He's been messaging people for almost the whole of our relationship (almost 3 years). Sending pictures of his cock with Only for 'Dani' written on it. (my god is he 15??)
There are even intimate pictures of us on there.

I had caught him out at the beginning of our relationship doing the same thing. I thought we had talked it through and moved past it. Obviously not.

Someone help me before I either kill him or do something to myself.
(Don't worry. I'm not suicidal. Haven't been for a while but the urge to self harm is frightenly high right now.)

Ask any questions you like. I will answer all honestly.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 22/02/2011 11:43

You poor thing. Pictures of you two as a couple? How fucking terrible.

Do you know what you want to do?

Try not to self harm, honestly, he's not worth that. Stay here and talk instead.

madonnawhore · 22/02/2011 11:44

Does he know that you know?

CheerfulMe · 22/02/2011 11:44

I didn't want your post to go unanswered. I don't have much advice but wanted to let you know I know something of how you feel right now, and give you some un-MN Take care and don't do anything rash - he's not worth hurting yourself over, love.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 22/02/2011 11:45

It would be a deal breaker for me - sorry.

I don't want to start another MN row about porn (please people, let's not), but I have no real objection to it - per se. However, ones that are 'interactive' are a complete no go for a start, the emailing of pictures between them makes it no better than an affair and putting pictures of you on there is absolutely disgraceful.

I would pack him a bag & tell him it's over.

Obviously I don't know what the situation is with your house, but he can kip at a mates until you can sort out what's going to happen.

:(

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 22/02/2011 11:45

sorry but i think you have to end this relationship. the porn is one thing but putting pictures of you together on there is absolutely, totally unforgiveable imho. a compete breech of trust.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 22/02/2011 11:47

please don't self harm. your extreme emotions are there to tell you to "get out". self harm is a coping mechanism that will actually hinder you listening to those unbearable feelings that are screaming "this is not acceptable".

Original poster
UndercoverMner · 22/02/2011 11:49

I have no issues with porn at all. We've even used it together.
I just don't understand the need for it to be an interaction with a real woman.
Makes me feel like I'm not good enough.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 22/02/2011 11:54

It's him who isn't good enough.

lint · 22/02/2011 12:08

He's not good enough for you, certainly not worth hurting yourself over.
Sounds like he might not change though so you might want to start thinking of moving on and finding someone who deserves you, because he doesn't.
down the laptop.

TobyLerone · 22/02/2011 12:16

What a (literal) wanker. I'd brain him with his laptop pack all his things and leave them in the garden with his laptop on top, still showing the picture of his cock.

Undertone · 22/02/2011 12:24

It's not that you're not good enough - it's that he has an abnormal need for smut. To be what he needed, you would need to reduce yourself to this level. Why would you aspire to be what he needed?

Are you sure you're not feeling icky because this person, who you thought you knew and loved, has suddenly gone down in your estimation and you're judging yourself against this new measurement scale of self-worth? i.e. what your partner 'reflects' of you?

God. That does not make a frog hair of sense.

perfumedlife · 22/02/2011 12:31

Smile @ Undertone

You poor woman. When he did this at the beginning of your relationship, was it the same kind of sites, meet ups? Or has he 'progressed'? Sadly, from what I have learned over the years (by reading) that's what porn does, de-sensitises you and creates a need for more/bigger/badder. Sad

EricNorthmansMistress · 22/02/2011 12:32

Can you take a screen shot of photos with you in that he has posted without your consent? I'm no expert but I think he has committed a crime in doing that. I would then get some legal advice regarding having him prosecuted if possible.

You know he won't ever be faithful don't you? This relationship is dead. Sorry for you.

Original poster
UndercoverMner · 22/02/2011 12:48

As far as I can tell. There has been no meet ups. Just lot of talk saying I don't understand him (cliché alert)
Although I am very concerned that one girl was asking him to give her a baby Hmm. He just said I don't know what my girlfriend will think of that.

Oh and I have screenshots, forwarded all emails etc.
I just can't change the password as he hasn't used one of his obvious ones.

But yes. I think it is dead.

OP posts:
lint · 22/02/2011 13:11

So sorry undercover.
Lots more .

We really don't need some men in our lives, you will be better off without him.

Teapot13 · 22/02/2011 14:21

Agree with all the points about your relationship -- it's over.

If this happened to me, I would look into taking legal action against him for putting intimate photos of me on the web. I don't know whether you would have a case, and obviously it might not appeal to you, but if it were me I would check.

LittleMissHissyFit · 23/02/2011 00:15

It's kind of game over really, that is summary dismissal without a doubt.

TBH I'd be unable to have nay dialogue at all with that person, his bags would be packed and he would have to go.

Are you actually identifiable in the pictures, ie can your face be seen?

If so I think you need to look at legalities. If the pictures can identify you and were posted without your consent, there must be steps to have them removed from whatever server holds them.

wish you all the best of luck, stay strong

Looooosie · 23/02/2011 01:55

For most people porn is harmless and is of no threat to a monogamous relationship. I think this situation is different.

Are you still sleeping together? I can completely understand men (and women) in sexless relationships looking or going elsewhere but it is a problem if you are still having sex but that isn't enough for him. He isn't looking for natural relief or intimacy, he's looking for excitement and/or someone else. Porn should be a substitute for sex - and a poor one at that!

Some men are and will remain little boys. I would find it incredibly hard to have any respect (or desire) for him again. It is so ridiculous - a grown man taking pics of his bits! Pics of you are a completely different matter! Even if he has remained faithful, his mind is elsewhere and that's possibly worse.

Pity him not yourself. he clearly can't take responsibility for your relationship but you, as an adult, can take responsibility for yourself and deal with this is a decisive, positive way. He's already hurt you, don't hurt yourself, it won't make anything better, only changing your circumstances will.

Stac2011 · 23/02/2011 02:29

totally agree with op's would definately kick him out or leave him especially for posting pics of you. Regardless of the porn thing, its his complete lack of respect for you. Please dont harm yourself, he's not worth it. Take care and good luck in whatever you decide

batman47555 · 23/02/2011 08:43

agree with all he will have meets eventually
but the one thing puzzling me is how he wrote "only for Dani" on his C*CK??

Sunflower38 · 23/02/2011 09:58

He is absolutely disgusting. if he wanted to send random pics of his cock (like it's so amazing I'm sure...) to random women then well, that's bad enough that he is in a relationship, but to send them of you as well... my God. i would be fuming and I would look into getting legal advice as others have said.

This is such a betrayal of trust I am gobsmacked.

Agree also that there is no way back from this. He cannot be trusted. Am so sorry for you, your world must be upside down but you will get through it. To accept his apologies would only cause more hurt for you down the line.

Big hug to you xx

molemesseskilledIpom · 23/02/2011 10:23

I agreee with what everyone else has said I'm afraid.

Having his pics on there is one thing but.

a) you have already discussed with him about this and he's carried on doing it.

b) having pics on there of the two of you without your knowlege is another thing totally.

He does not give a monkeys about your opinion of it, he's breached your trust in two ways and it seems as though that he couldnt care less about what should be left in the bedroom bewteen the two of you.

Pack him a bag and tell him to stay somewhere else while you think this through.

Personally I would think it was over, you have given him a second chance and he's let you down and embarrassed you into the bargin.

Good luck x

Anniegetyourgun · 23/02/2011 10:39

I'm not surprised he says you don't understand him. You clearly don't. On the other hand I don't believe it's something you should be understanding about. Set him free to play his little internet games, as he's apparently not ready for a grown-up relationship with a real woman. As for yourself, a man who thinks your body is too special to splash all over a website for unknowns to perv over is out there, waiting for you. The sooner you ditch the loser the sooner you will have the chance to find the winner.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/02/2011 10:41

Wha should you do ?

Nothing.

Finish the relationship stone dead.

Nothing more to be said.

TangledScotland · 23/02/2011 11:02

Wow poor you get out of relationship ASAP and make sure any "personal Pictures" he may have of you are wiped from hard drive.

Some people use porn from time to time in a healthy manner (not a fan myself) but for other people a bit like drugs, they have to up the anti to get the same high, this is way past watching a dirty dvd or buying a topshelf mag.

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