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Original poster

Really peed off at SIL

41 replies

minginjean · 22/02/2011 09:18

Hi all, just wanted some advice and a rant. Future SIL is planning her hen night for May. Told us it was 199 for one night to include paint balling, hotel room and meal. She asked for deposit of 100 from everyone the first week in Jan. Most people replied that they'd have to wait and see as they were a bit strapped for cash.

From there things got really rude. She wanted to know why we couldn't stay in for a few weeks and not spend any money so we could save for this. Some girls came back with the reason that they never had nights out anyway as money was so tight for them but if she can sort it so we don't have to pay huge deposit five months in advance they might be able to swing it. She replied that this was the most important time of her life and you really know who you're friends are!!

One of her friends actually tolf her to f off and that she wanted nothing to do with it if that was the attitude she had. I stayed out of all this as future family I wouldn't count myself as her friend.

She has since replied to say that deposit not due till this week and that its only 36 (which i think just served to annoy people even more as originally she had asked for 100 so was she just gonna use the money to pay for something else and pay hotel dep when it was due ie. now)

So last week I mailed her to tell her that as myself and two other members of the family have so much on over the next few months, we will go on her hen night but we will sort out our own accommodation. We have another family wedding a few weeks before hers plus the hens and stags and she knows this so paying 200 for one night for a hen just isn't going to work. She has comepletely ignored my email. I presume it will stay like this now, she won't reply at all.

Do you think I am in the wrong here, she seems to think that we're letting her down not paying up when asked and not agreeing to pay the 200 euro. We rarely see her, she doesn't particularly get on with the rest of the family yet she's making us feel like we're her best friends letting her down.

To me, my hen weekend was all about my family and friends. Of course future husbands family were invited but if they couldn't make it, it didn't upset me.

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 22/02/2011 09:36

No I don't think you are in the wrong.

I think I might rather have a tooth extracted without an injection than go paintballing and have to pay 200 euro for the privilege. Jeez.

BalloonSlayer · 22/02/2011 09:37

If you do all go, you know who will get absolutely splattered with paintballs in the first 10 secs don't you?

JaxTellersOldLady · 22/02/2011 09:41

lol @ balloonslayer!

Paintballing for a hen weekend, I dont think I can envisage anything worse... nope, cant.

And I certainly wouldnt be paying 200 euro to do so.

NancyDrewHadaClue · 22/02/2011 09:45

I think the problem is that you agreed to something and are now pulling out.

Regardless of what your views are on paintballing, expensive hen does and even your sil I can see why she is a little put out.

theredhen · 22/02/2011 09:51

What is wrong with a few drinks down the pub? What is all this "competitive" hen/stag night stuff. It's as bad as limo's for 7 yr old parties.

What is really amazing is these women arrange these things and then sulk when people can't afford it. If she really wanted everyone to come along, she would pay for it herself!

bigmouthstrikesagain · 22/02/2011 10:01

Ballonsayer is quite right after all the hassle - your sil guests will perhaps appreciate the paintballing sesh for a bit of therapeutic pay back ... If she was your friend I would advocate honesty but as she is family, discretion is the better part of valour. Keep your opinions to yourself as much as possible explain that finances do not allow you to participate fully in the hen weekend but you will do what you can, do not engage in a discussion arguement over it.

As soon as I saw the title I knew a wedding would be involved! I am so very glad that dh is an only child (poor dh has 3 sil and 2 bio from me), and that we married without telling anyone (save parents) and with no hen or stag nights.

MigratingCoconuts · 22/02/2011 10:34

Personally, all this extravagant stag/hen stuff does my head in.

What is wrong with a meal and drinks??

The pressure it puts on friends is huge, its like a kind of blackmail.

I also don't get 'second' hen nights for those people who don't go to the big one.

The whole thing is nuts and I would stick to your guns. I understand the need for political tact, but don't feel you have to do this.

I wonder how many friends will, in the end, go?

ThePosieParker · 22/02/2011 10:35

Henzilla......What happened to just having a nice night? So egocentric.

missmehalia · 22/02/2011 10:41

Yeah.. agree with most of these posts. It's far too much investment in this day and age. She could have put a trusted friend in charge of having a night out/night away somewhere cheap and cheerful instead. Lots of places are well set up for this kind of thing.

She is being unreasonable. However, I think you're right to keep schtum. Observe... and, of course, respond when asked to. It's too expensive. This doesn't even take into account the cost of attending the wedding itself. Gah!

Laquitar · 22/02/2011 10:45

I 've never been to paintballing so i dont know if its worth.

But i don't like special birthdays that cost a fortune, hen nights with hotel and spas, weddings abroad etc. Drinks and a bite to eat in a wine bar much nicer and fair for everyone. I think it is wrong to put pressure on your friends because you want to live your silly fantasy. Either pay for them if you are a 'princess' or settle down for the pub. After the wedding you can sod off to Bahamas for honeymoon and live your princes dream. Don't buncrupt your friends.

YANBU

Original poster

minginjean · 22/02/2011 13:21

Thanks all, will keep my mouth shut (well I'll try to). Her attitude is amazing tho, to think that nowadays people can afford to do things like this, no one wants to admit they don't have enough money for something but as everyone seems to be in the same boat it's more understandable.

We had not agreed to it in the first place and she had not given us a date and refused to until we all committed we of course caused more agro because we couldn't commit without a date!!!

So no one could actually give a definitive yes at the beginning so she can't be annoyed we backed out when we weren't even in in the 1st place!

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 22/02/2011 14:16

Dh went paintballing Saturday.

Entry was a tenner inc body armour and gun.

I wouldn't pay 200 for paintballing and one night in a hotel. She's takin the piss.

Enchantica · 22/02/2011 19:08

My friend went to Spain for her long hen weekend. I couldn't afford to go, along with some others. She then wondered why people didn't make the effort to go... and said that in front of me when I was one of the one's who didn't go and couldn't afford it. It's not fair to expect people to be able to afford fancy hen holidays. I went to the smaller night for the 'regular' people, the second hen night.

And what am I doing for mine? I've told Maid of Honour to make sure we aren't doing anything expensive as she is arranging it. Told her I would be more than happy with a night out on the tiles at our favourite club having some drinks and that I would put in £50 for it. I don't want people to buy me a limo or stripper etc.

My other friend had 2 hen nights, I was expected to go to both which I did.

Meh. Hen/stag do's are getting just as competitive as weddings themselves. I think most people would rather save and go on a holiday with their other half or kids.

Jux · 22/02/2011 19:48

Some people are just so insular. She wants a massive hen do at times like these when no one has money to spare, then presumably she can afford to pay for it. Let her go with the rich ones who can afford it and they can be her friends forevermore. The rest of you oiks can have a more lovely life having not much to do with her.

chasingrainbows · 22/02/2011 20:02

Being guest at a wedding is an expensive business without having to fork out for an overnight stay for the hen do also. a night in the town with "L" plates and veil made out of net curtains doesnt seem to cut it anymore. Out of devilment I would go & let loose with the paintball gun.

chasingrainbows · 22/02/2011 20:06

DH wanted (and indeed expected to be allowed) to go to Bankok on a Stag do a couple of years back!
Understandably the answer was no.
Sadly the stag do went out there.

perfumedlife · 22/02/2011 20:34

You are not being out of order op. Bridezilla strikes again!

I bought two cases of champagne, made fancy blinis and such like, then took the girls on our local pub crawl. It was a lovely night, and we were all in our own beds at 2am. When did hen nights become hotel stays and travel? What a joke.

I firmly believe if you are giving a party, the operative word is give and if you can't afford to, just have a cheep girls night out/in. It's rude to expect people to find cash for this when they have the wedding to spend on too.

CameronCook · 23/02/2011 10:28

Bridezilla - tricky when its family - think you need to just explain that money is tight and you will participate in what you can afford to.

malovitt · 23/02/2011 11:47

Paintballing?

I went once (to make the numbers up for a discounted price) and it bloody hurts, was covered in bruises despite wearing loads of protective clothing. Got hit on the hand so hard I couldn't hold a pen for 3 days.
Don't do it!

Violet5 · 23/02/2011 13:00

She sounds really immature.

If i make plans with a friend or family member and they have to cancel for whatever reason i don't take offence or try to make them feel bad.

A wedding or a babys birth/christening i rate as important or special occassions.

A hen do or stag do are just parties or excuses for a party.

I got married without a hen do and i made no apologies for it. Likewise i was invited to a very good friend of mines (been friends since junior school) and i just said thanks but no thanks, i was skint and don't do hen do's ! She was to be honest a bit put out but she got over it and we still have a laugh together and get on great....because she is a real friend.

If you compromise or just don't go and she has a paddy about it i'd let her get on with it and pitty the man who is marrying her as he'll have years of that behaviour to put up with ! As she'll be your sister in law i'd probably not go just to make her see that just because she's family you don't intend to be bossed about or made to feel bad by her but your happy to be friends as long as she doesn't attach strings.
But then thats me, i'd hate to be manipulated into parting with money for something i didn't want, bad enough parting with it for something i do want

muminthemiddle · 23/02/2011 13:10

I think £200 is very extravegant.

Is she marrying your brother or are you married to her future husband's brother?
If it is the latter then an extra YANBU.

It might be worth it to her but £200 for one night? Blimey.
However I think if you are going then not staying at the same hotel will seem like a snub, as this is part of the hen do.
Awkward to say the least.
I dread to think what she will request as a wedding present!!!!!!!

Sidge · 23/02/2011 13:13

The hen/stag weekend has got so out of control.

When I got married in the mid 1990s it was customary to go out for a meal, then on the lash in pubs and clubs. A good old boogie and be home in your bed with kebab smeared around your chin by 0300.

I've since heard of hen and stag weekends in Amsterdam, a week in Tenerife, a long weekend in Vegas, activity weekends in the UK such as paintballing, 4x4 driving, spa weekends etc. The cost is immense.

Your SIL is taking the piss. Paintballing can be done for 25 quid. Travelodge - 35 quid for a double room so 17 pounds each. Another 50 max for food and drink.

CameronCook · 23/02/2011 18:12

"She wanted to know why we couldn't stay in for a few weeks and not spend any money so we could save for this."

"She replied that this was the most important time of her life and you really know who you're friends are!!"

So everyone should not go out for a few weeks to spend a fecking fortune on the most important time in her life?

I pity her husband

Katisha · 23/02/2011 18:16

I think you end up paying even more when paintballing than teh entry fee as you have to fork out for extra ammo if you want to be able to play for more than about 10 mins.

I didn't even have a hen do - I hate 'em.

Laquitar · 23/02/2011 18:25

I would reply that it might be the most important time of her life but it is not the only wedding invitation for us as we have other relatives/friends too.

It seems to me that with all this competitive hen nights/birthdays/weddings abroad you need £5,000 plus a year to avoid 'upsetting' people. Crazy.

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