I don't know what to do

[passtheearplugs]

I'm hoping someone will be able to talk to me and help me make a massive decision. I'm seriously considering leaving my partner, but unsure if my reasons are selfish. I'm worried that I'll ruin my son's life if I leave, and that is something I don't want to do.

I have been with my partner on/off for nearly 4 years and we have a 10 month old son together. We are both young parents (I am 19 and he is 22) and adapting to parenthood has been difficult for me. I had/have PND (saw GP again today and I am being referred to a psychiatrist). Our relationship has been far from perfect. There have been alot of trust issues for me due to my partner lying and hiding debt etc.
When we first met I was 16 and had alot of ishoos (childhood experiences, anxiety problems/depression, self harming daily, bulimia) and I dived right into the relationship very fast. It was a very typical teenage relationship, I was 'in lurve' and wanted to be perfect (skinnier, love his faults etc) for him. After 6 months I was referred to a psychiatrist due to these ishoos and should have realised there was a problem there and then in the relationship. But being a stubbern teenager I wanted to 'make it work' i.e. be the perfect little housewife (yes i was still 16 at this time ).

He knew about my bulimia but did nothing/said nothing to help me and neither did his family (I went to live with them). I completely changed my looks just so I could be 'the perfect girlfriend'. I know now this was absolutly stupid but my young niave self thought this is what I had to do.

I found out that during the very early days of my relationship he slept with my best friend and this comletely destroyed any trust I had for him. I know I should have left him there and then - well I know that now

You get the jist of it? It was utter teenage shite basically. Fast forward a few years...

Now we have our son, we live in our rented flat and we set a date to be married this October I KNOW I KNOW. A few months ago I started really thinking about our whole relationship after he completely lost interest in sex with me. I tried to resolve the issue with no avail, but it really made me think about everything. He shows no emotion what-so-ever. When my PND was at its worse i could be hysterical infront of him and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. Even now he is the same. He says things to me that make me feel like a shit mother (doesn't help on top of PND) things like 'you have been in the bedroom for the last 30mins you don't spent enough time with DS' or 'It's your fault DS hurt himself you should have been watching him better' (yes, when I'm washing up all the dishes he has left to fester and he was the one in the room with him).

Also, his poor hygiene is really becoming a problem. (Before anyone asks he is definatly NOT depressed, his whole family are the same, it's just the way he was brought up). There is no nice way to put it -he stinks. I mean violently stinks of BO and bad breath. The smell has been that bad recently that people have said they can smell my partners breath on my son's clothes and I physically could not lye in the same bed as him last night because the room just smelt rancid because of his breath - it actually smelt like poo -actual human shit. I have tried to get him to brush his teeth/ go to the dentist but he wont have any of it. His teeth are now brown and actually started the other day to snap in half and fall out. It's not very attractive and a real turn off as you can imagine. My family have actually said that when they walk into my flat the first thing they notice is the rancid smell I spend all day cleaning and trying to make the smell go away but it wont because obviously my partner still smells.

Aside from his faults he is an amazing father - he really is. But when I think about it that is the only thing keeping us together, because he is a good dad to our son. I have been deeply unhappy in this relationship for a while now. I am older and wiser (I hope) and i'm starting to find myself and realising that I made myself grow up too fast. I realise that I made some stupid decisions and that I made my bed and now I have to lye in it - which is why i am questioning leaving him. I want the best for our son - he never asked to be born into this and he certainly doesnt deserve to grow up in an unhappy household. But what can i do?

I do love my partner - in the sence that he is the father of my son and I care for him deeply, but I no longer feel that I am in love with him. I love him but i'm not in love with him IYKWIM?
I've talked to my family about it and they asked how I would feel if we did split and he found another partner. Honestly, it would be weird and i'd probably feel a bit miffed but doesn't everyone?

Reading this back I sound like a right bitch don't I?
I'm sorry it's so long I've tried to shorten it but got all the main points in I think.
I honestly don't know what to do. I just want our son to be happy.

I forgot to mention I have tried to resolve our problems and talk to my partner. I have told him how I feel and he doesn't seem to be too bothered. I have asked him to go to RELATE with me but he says' only idiots go to coucelling'

I think you should leave him tbh
you are only 19 do you really want to waste another 4 yrs feeling like this? your son is only a baby so he will not even notice at this age.

I hope someone comes along soon to give you better advice i didn't want your thread to go unanswered.

You don't sound like a bitch at all. You sound like a fantastic mother.

You know your relationship with your child's father is over. It's not really anyone's fault. But the body odour would have had me out the door a loooooooong time ago, just on it's own.

You cannot keep this going to keep your son happy. In fact it would be an awful lot better for him if he had two happy parents.

Sounds to me like you are growing up and realising that reality is often very different from fantasy.

Your relationship is over but in name only. You need to break free and figure out how to be happy & comfortable in your own skin. Until you are, you will be a magnet for emotional fuckwits who will suck you dry and fuck your life up.

I sense you leaped into your relationship as an answer to your own issues. That never works.

At 19, you have your whole life ahead of you. As I was trying to teach my teenage DD last night, there's no shame in admitting you made a mistake. We all do it. The key thing is have you learned from it and so won't make the same mistake again?

I can't see any reason why you should be with him. Moreover, you and your son deserve a better, happier and more relaxed way of living.

Get out. It will only get worse not better.

Move on, OP. You are young enough to find soemone lovely and have another family.

move on. regardless of the emotional problems and incompatiblities in this relationship there is a lot of science to suggest that if you find your partners smell repulsive the relationship is doomed.

You can't spend the next 18+ years with him can you? You can't have more children with him can you? You just can't. Not with the way you clearly feel about him. Your son is young enough that he won't know the difference if you split now, and if he's a good dad he will still be a good dad whilst living elsewhere. Better that you split now than when your son is older, because the split is coming. He sounds....ok, without being too harsh...impossible to live with.

I would leave him tbh

doesnt wash,

picks at your parenting?

not worth it IMO

You sound like a lovely, caring, thoughtful person and are obviously thinking of what is best for you son. What is best for your son is for him to have a happy mum and to grow up to learn what constitutes a normal relationship and social skills. To give your son this you need to leave.

It is not up to you to mother your partner and to make him see he needs to change. In his defence he sees nothing wrong in what he is doing as that was how he was brought up. Do you see who might be the future boyfriend of someone who wants to leave him because he shows no emotion and smells.

You have come a long way. Now you need to take the next step and leave your partner and make a new happy home for your son.

Good luck.

passtheearplugs, you are not being selfish atall. You have grown up a lot, and dealt with your 'issues' and now it is time to leave this rotten relationship behind. That shows strength, not selfishness.

Thankyou all for the advice.

I know in my heart that this relationship is doomed but I am so scared of leaving it behind. Iknow my post sounds like I can't stand my partner - that is not true - I just can't stand some of the things he does.

I know I need to leave him - for my son's sake rather than my own, I don't want him to grow up around this.

My partner is a wonderful Dad and always will be, I do not doubt that for a second.

I just don't know how to go about it. Things seem so 'normal' at the moment. We are talking and having a laugh and to just come out with 'I'm leaving you' just seems harsh. It's so confusing.
My GP said once I'm referred to a psychiatrist they will be able to help me with this situation as in dealing with my emotions to break away from this. I feel so guilty for wanting to leave when my partner seems so happy

He can still be a good dad and you can parent together without being in a relationship.

Cruel to be kind?

You have to leave him now, rather than marry him and then pull it all apart.

This isn't about just him not being unhappy if he left though, is it?

This is about you all being happy in the longer term.

And, as you rightly said, you don't want your son growing up in this environment.

You've moved on already, reading your posts. You need to make that physical break.

It's never easy or nice but if you feel that's tryly what you want, then you have to do it.

You're not taking his son away from him, you are taking yourself out of an unhappy situation.

Sorry if I've missed this but have you told him about the things that upset you?

'truly'

No, you don't sound like a bitch at all.

Yes, I agree that you should leave him, both for your sake and your son's.

He may be a good dad, but he is not being a good partner, nor is he being a good role model for DS. And he can be a good dad living elsewhere.

You sound quite vulnerable yet strong(if that makes sense?), you have had a very difficult time, and still are a very good mother. You need to stay strong, stick to your priorities and create a supportive and clean environment where your son can thrive and you can start to deal with your issues properly. Living with someone who does nothing to acknowledge such serious problems such as bulimia and PND will not help you recover, in fact a lot of his behaviour will have contributed towards your low self-worth.

From your son's perspective, he will respect you as a mother and as a strong human being for making a difficult decision to improve both your lives.

From your partner's point of view, it sounds as if he needs a kick up the backside to sort himself and his priorities out. I know you say he isn't depressed, but are sure? Just because his family are similar, doesn't mean you can rule it out. Either way, he won't change if you allow him to stay the same.

You have made a wise decision, now you need to consider how to leave to make the transition easier on all three of you. Good luck. :)

How is he a great dad, when one example you gave was about the baby falling when he was there - and all he did was blame you?

Also, I don't think an emotionally cold person, who doesn't know how to react to distress or desire, can be a good parent.

I'm not saying he couldn't provide any useful parenting to DS as a part-time dad, but I suspect you're seriously pulling the wool over your own eyes.

He is a good Dad in the sence that he does a far better job of it than me. When I first got PND i couldn't even look at our son My partner did everything, all the feeds - everything. And he still gets up in the night to him if he wakes up.He also does the morning routine with him (get up, change nappy, get dress, breakfast etc)

I struggle as a parent on my own. I get panic attacks if i'm alone with my son for more than a few hours (which is part of the reason why I have been referred to a psychiatrist).

If anything, I'm more scared of being a lone parent more than anything. My mother had a baby 4 days after I had my son and is now, unfortunately, a lone parent again. I grew up with her being on her own and I know how hard it was/is for her. In my eyes she is AMAZING for bringing us up like she has. But she is a stronger person than I am. I know I wont be able to cope and it scared the hell out of me. I have my good days and I have my bad days - it's just hard for me to get my head round it.

If you have a good relationship with your mum, then give each other support. You are both young, and while you sound incredibly mature and like a fantastic mum, you partner sounds the exact opposite.

Is your partner working? I would be amazed if he is, with the sound of how repulsive he must be :(

No he is not working. He says he wants to work but doesn't really do anything about looking for a job. So all the job hunting is left to me. I worked voluntry as an assistant manager in a charity shop since the day i left school as I couldn't find payed employment but had to leave when i found out I was pregnant. I haven't gave up hope for searching for a job and I am still looking daily and can't wait to work again - I miss it so much.

I want a better life for my son, I can see the pro's and con's of staying and leaving but i'm just so unsure

I can see why you feel so unsure. It's really hard for you, isn't it? You must be feeling trapped.

As you know from reading these threads, unpleasant men who like to put their women down get benefits (in their own mind) from scaring their partner and making her feel worthless. Is that what he's been doing to you, do you think? He plays on your fears of not being a good enough mum, this makes you feel hopeless and have panic attacks, he then says you can't take care of your own baby, look, I have to do it for you, then it all goes round again

While I don't know enough about your circumstances to make any definite suggestions, I would like you to know that other people will help you. They will not judge you, no matter what he says. PND is hard to bear at the best of times and it's important for those who take care of you to know what's happening to you in your private life. When you see the psychiatrist, please make sure you go in on your own and tell them the full story. Also, please, talk to your health visitor about things. Can you tell your mum, too?

I put you at 20/21? You write very eloquently and you obvious intelligence is there for all to see. This person sounds in no way good enough for you and I think you deserve better. You've done your utmost best to make things work and now it's your turn to make a new life for yourself and your baby. Better will await you around the corner but if you were my daughter, I would want you gone from him and his manky family! I'm not normally so forthcoming with this type of advice but things will only get worse and I think you know you need to value yourself more for the sake of your baby. Take care of yourself and you can make this work in your favour but please do not tie yourself to this man.

AgeingGrace He does make me feel like shit and puts me down and I have told him this but he says that's not true and i'm just trying to put all the blame onto him. I honestly don't know if things really are this bad or i'm making a fuss out of nothing . My mother knows a bit of what is going on but the way she see's it is he is a brilliant dad and I should think myself lucky to be with someone who does as much with my son as he does. And I am grateful and my son is lucky to have a father who thinks the world of him.

My mind feels fucked. Sometimes I just think it would be easier to stay and keep the peace. I made my bed and all that.

Oh dear :( Your little boy isn't even a year old yet and you feel all squashed & downtrodden - what are things going to be like after five, ten, fifteen years more of this? Not a great relationship model for DS, and I bet your partner will start putting him down as well, soon as he's old enough to talk back to his dad. It's a bit of a grim prospect.

I was worried that your mum might take that attitude! She plainly didn't like being a single parent (poor you!) so she's liable to think any man who stays around for his child is better than none. How incredibly frustrating for you.

What worries me is whether you'll be scared to talk openly to the shrink and the counsellor they assign you. I want to tell you that the mental health team here were fantastic to me a few years ago - they helped me find a house, claim benefits and made sure I was okay. I know the care you receive depends on your postcode and funds, etc, but they can be great, so do tell them! How about your HV, is s/he any good?