Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know what to do

45 replies

passtheearplugs · 22/02/2011 01:49

I'm hoping someone will be able to talk to me and help me make a massive decision. I'm seriously considering leaving my partner, but unsure if my reasons are selfish. I'm worried that I'll ruin my son's life if I leave, and that is something I don't want to do.

I have been with my partner on/off for nearly 4 years and we have a 10 month old son together. We are both young parents (I am 19 and he is 22) and adapting to parenthood has been difficult for me. I had/have PND (saw GP again today and I am being referred to a psychiatrist). Our relationship has been far from perfect. There have been alot of trust issues for me due to my partner lying and hiding debt etc.
When we first met I was 16 and had alot of ishoos (childhood experiences, anxiety problems/depression, self harming daily, bulimia) and I dived right into the relationship very fast. It was a very typical teenage relationship, I was 'in lurve' and wanted to be perfect (skinnier, love his faults etc) for him. After 6 months I was referred to a psychiatrist due to these ishoos and should have realised there was a problem there and then in the relationship. But being a stubbern teenager I wanted to 'make it work' i.e. be the perfect little housewife Hmm (yes i was still 16 at this time Hmm).

He knew about my bulimia but did nothing/said nothing to help me and neither did his family (I went to live with them). I completely changed my looks just so I could be 'the perfect girlfriend'. I know now this was absolutly stupid but my young niave self thought this is what I had to do.

I found out that during the very early days of my relationship he slept with my best friend and this comletely destroyed any trust I had for him. I know I should have left him there and then - well I know that now

You get the jist of it? It was utter teenage shite basically. Fast forward a few years...

Now we have our son, we live in our rented flat and we set a date to be married this October I KNOW I KNOW. A few months ago I started really thinking about our whole relationship after he completely lost interest in sex with me. I tried to resolve the issue with no avail, but it really made me think about everything. He shows no emotion what-so-ever. When my PND was at its worse i could be hysterical infront of him and he wouldn't bat an eyelid. Even now he is the same. He says things to me that make me feel like a shit mother (doesn't help on top of PND) things like 'you have been in the bedroom for the last 30mins you don't spent enough time with DS' or 'It's your fault DS hurt himself you should have been watching him better' (yes, when I'm washing up all the dishes he has left to fester and he was the one in the room with him).

Also, his poor hygiene is really becoming a problem. (Before anyone asks he is definatly NOT depressed, his whole family are the same, it's just the way he was brought up). There is no nice way to put it -he stinks. I mean violently stinks of BO and bad breath. The smell has been that bad recently that people have said they can smell my partners breath on my son's clothes Sad and I physically could not lye in the same bed as him last night because the room just smelt rancid because of his breath - it actually smelt like poo -actual human shit. I have tried to get him to brush his teeth/ go to the dentist but he wont have any of it. His teeth are now brown and actually started the other day to snap in half and fall out. It's not very attractive and a real turn off as you can imagine. My family have actually said that when they walk into my flat the first thing they notice is the rancid smell Sad I spend all day cleaning and trying to make the smell go away but it wont because obviously my partner still smells.

Aside from his faults he is an amazing father - he really is. But when I think about it that is the only thing keeping us together, because he is a good dad to our son. I have been deeply unhappy in this relationship for a while now. I am older and wiser (I hope) and i'm starting to find myself and realising that I made myself grow up too fast. I realise that I made some stupid decisions and that I made my bed and now I have to lye in it - which is why i am questioning leaving him. I want the best for our son - he never asked to be born into this and he certainly doesnt deserve to grow up in an unhappy household. But what can i do?

I do love my partner - in the sence that he is the father of my son and I care for him deeply, but I no longer feel that I am in love with him. I love him but i'm not in love with him IYKWIM?
I've talked to my family about it and they asked how I would feel if we did split and he found another partner. Honestly, it would be weird and i'd probably feel a bit miffed but doesn't everyone?

Reading this back I sound like a right bitch don't I? Sad
I'm sorry it's so long I've tried to shorten it but got all the main points in I think.
I honestly don't know what to do. I just want our son to be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
passtheearplugs · 23/02/2011 01:25

I highly doubt he would ever start saying anything horrible to DS. He was the one who wanted a baby, DS is his life and soul.

HV doesn't do much to be honest, I see her once a month to weigh DS and that's it. I will be open and honest with the pychiatrist as I want proper help. If I do decide to leave my partner I am going to need support. My mother and the rest of my family will be there to help me. I can't blame my mother for thinking the way she does, she has had a rough time and is bound to feel that way. But she is a good woman and I know if I ever need her she will be there - she always has been, I just never asked. Typical stubbern teenager Wink

As in terms of benefits etc I am hoping (fingers crossed!) that a job will be coming my way soon so I wont need them and I will be able to start putting back into the system, but if it comes down the it I know where to go and what to do to get things sorted.

My partner really isn't a bad person and I don't feel myself or my son are in any danger. I just feel very unloved and maybe too much water under the bridge? I know my posts make him sound like a knob but he isn't as bad as he sounds. It just isn't working.

OP posts:
Original poster
passtheearplugs · 23/02/2011 01:52

I don't fear* that should read

OP posts:
Missile · 23/02/2011 03:03

Honey read it back, you're heading for marriage to a guy who you can't even tell that he smells bad.....that's got to tell you something. please don't get married, cancel it all now, tell everyone you're not sure and see if you can work on the relationship first. The truth does hurt, but a lot less than a long miserable marriage xx

FourFortyFour · 23/02/2011 08:43

Could you move back in with your mum for a bit?

Your mum is wrong when she says you are lucky he does as much as he does with his son. That is what he should do.

Original poster
passtheearplugs · 23/02/2011 12:00

There is no way i'd leave this flat. it's mine even though his name is on it too. i payed everything for it and the bills are in my name. I couldn't move back in with my mom as there would be no room at all with her and my siblings.

I'm not going to get married. I just don't know how to bring it up again. I'm emotionly exhuasted from the last time I tried to talk to him about it last week.

OP posts:
FourFortyFour · 23/02/2011 22:18

You will start feeling better once you have done it. Then your life will change. Nothing will change if you don't tell him.

Stac2011 · 24/02/2011 00:38

have read through and just wanted to point out having pnd doesnt make you a bad mum. I had it @ 19 and thought i had lost my mind. It also brought things to a head for me with my ex-p. As the others have said you cant continue with this, it is just going to bring you down. You seem to have your head screwed on and i suspect you have known for a while he wasn't for you? Your first thing is to talk to him, maybe he feels the same. Also go to entitledto.com and check what assistance you would get as unfortunately atm there are hardly any jobs out there. Have you thought about college?

Original poster
passtheearplugs · 24/02/2011 19:14

thanks for all the advice again. Yes I have thought about college but if I go back i'll have to pay for it now which i simply cannot afford. I've been waiting for the jobcentre to put me on an admin course for over 6 months and nothing is happening.

Bit of good news, he starts a new job next week - it just came out of the blue. So we can finally get off benefits :)

Stac2011 I have spoke to him and he says he is fed up of arguing and basically can't be arsed anymore.

OP posts:
Stac2011 · 24/02/2011 23:28

does that mean he cant be arsed with the relationship? Good news bout the job Smile

Original poster
passtheearplugs · 25/02/2011 15:52

yeah that's basically what he meant

OP posts:
Stac2011 · 25/02/2011 22:41

what you thinking now? Is it time for a clean slate?

Original poster
passtheearplugs · 26/02/2011 21:27

I think so. It's just hard to try and get it actually started. I have no idea how to go about it.

OP posts:
Lucyinthepie · 26/02/2011 22:47

"Bit of good news, he starts a new job next week - it just came out of the blue. So we can finally get off benefits"
I hope you don't mind me saying this, but if you're calling off the marriage and seriously planning to leave him, you have to stop thinking like this.

I can't help wondering how long he will keep a job anyway with his serious lack of hygiene. People he works with simply won't tolerate it.
If you don't know how to get this started then get on the phone to Women's Aid and let them help you to sort out a plan.

Lucyinthepie · 26/02/2011 22:48

What I mean is, it's not "we" anymore.

Stac2011 · 27/02/2011 21:30

hi passing how are you?

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 27/02/2011 21:47

how are thingS?

Original poster
passtheearplugs · 04/04/2011 16:24

hi everyone, just thought i should pop back and tell you all what has happened.

i left him and i am getting my own place within the next few days. things are so much better and i feel so much happier. i am also getting the help i need from gp etc.

thankyou all for talking to me xxx

OP posts:
Leverkusen · 04/04/2011 16:48

well done passtheearplugs.
You sound like a great mum.

BertieBotts · 04/04/2011 16:57

I didn't see your thread before but I've read through all of it now. Well done for getting out :) You sound a lot happier now.

I just had a thought reading this - you might be sorted now anyway but if not, near me there is a supported house for young mums, you can get a place if referred by your HV, it's sort of a stepping stone between living at home/in a bad relationship, and getting your own place. You have your own space within the house but there are also people around to talk to. You could ask your health visitor maybe if there is anything like this near you, if you're not sorted yet.

Any time you want to talk PM me, I'm 22 and on my own with DS - it is hard sometimes and I do struggle but it's so much easier and we're so much happier than we were with XP around :)

Original poster
passtheearplugs · 04/04/2011 17:53

thanks, both of you :)

yes, it is tough and i'm not niave enough to think i have an easy road ahead of me. but since i left i can see things far more clearly then i ever could before. i know how terrible it was and how much in denial i was. but i'm out of it now and things will start to look up :)

i will be speaking to my health visitor about this, shouldn't need sheltered housing but just incase.

thankyou all again :)

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page