Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Crying after sex. Am I crazy? Warning: may be upsetting

34 replies

firstnamechangeEVER · 22/02/2011 00:15

I think dh thinks so.

If you recognise me, please don't say. Not a troll, Shiney's itchy boob and squirty cream, moldiegate, the fishy style and beauty iQueen etc.

I've just started counselling around abuse issues, and am struggling to accept the idea that I was raped when I was 17 (basically I let the fucked up son of a bitch do it to me as I thought I was bad and deserved it etc)

So there has not been much action of the sexual type between me and dh, in fact not much since dd was born 3 years ago, when all this starting rising to the surface.

Just managed to let my guard down enough to get frisky with dh, he gave me oral, I orgasmed, then felt guilty, I didn't stop him because frankly I am terrified of having sex (I am so tense that it hurts) and I just burst into tears.

He got pissed off, accused me of playing 'head games' because I didn't stop him giving me oral and have sex instead and I thought 'you arsehole - don't you get how difficult this is for me?' and told him to go fuck himself (no pun intended). I know he doesn't get it, it's difficult for him having me so wounded and messed up like this, I am going on to different anti depressants soon as I am having trouble with side effects, but jeez...

so my question is: what the fuck is wrong with me? Am I crazy? Will I be this messed up forever because I can't live like this.

and: Is he being a twat or what? How do I explain it when I'm not even sure what's going on?

Help!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 22/02/2011 00:23

You aren't crazy or fucked up- you just need more time to process stuff. I hope you can talk to him about it afterwards, and don't be too upset that he is confused and freaked out at the idea of having upset you. I would recommend you both having couples' therapy actually.

AgeingGrace · 22/02/2011 00:24

It's a bit crap that DH made it all about him. Is your relationship good in general? I totally see that he can't imagine how you feel (thank goodness) but it's weird that he doesn't even have enough compassion to realise you're suffering not punishing him!! I do hope he's apologised profusely by the time you read this.

Evidently, you're going to need counselling - even if you were treated with care at the time, you're clearly still full of anger and fear about what was done to you and how it impacted on your feelings about yourself as a woman. If DH really doesn't get it, perhaps book a few Relate sessions together, where you can explore the issue in a safe & neutral environment.

For yourself, please tell your GP what's going on and ask for a therapy referral. If you're okay to spend some money on it, perhaps see a psychosexual counsellor instead - Relate has those, too, or check the BASRT website.

It's not your fault :)

nailak · 22/02/2011 00:26

he is probably just frustrated and said things out of frustration!

squeakytoy · 22/02/2011 00:29

You arent mad or crazy.. is there any sort of counselling that you could go to together so that your DH can understand a bit more about how it is affecting you.

pickgo · 22/02/2011 00:31

I think that perhaps the crying is symptomatic of the sudden release of tension following orgasm. This must be pretty upsetting for you, but perhaps is a sign that you are working through some horrible memories/feelings?

I think you need to explain more to your DH. You obviosly still are attracted to him or wouldn't get frisky with him in the first place, but if the tension builds at the thought of having penetrative sex it's inevitable I think that this must switch off any desire.

I think you can get through this you just need to give yourself some time and space to come to terms with what's happened in the past. You could ask for your DH's patience a little longer and then for you both to take it very slowly and gently at first.

Take care x

earwicga · 22/02/2011 00:35

I'm really glad you are starting counselling. It is a hard road, but ultimately I found it immensely helpful. If you don't get on with your first counsellor, then don't hesitate to ask for another. I had two counsellors and one was massively better or better suited to me.

You have written in your OP that you 'let' the rapist rape you. This isn't true. He raped you. I found it hard to let go of the guilt, as even when you know logically that rape can never be blamed on the victim in any way, emotionally it is hard to change something that is so deeply ingrained into your mind.

As for your husband, he needs to find his own support. There is some on the internet in the form of information and also forums, and there may even be something available in your area. There are also books written for people to help them support survivors. He has to understand that your responses aren't to do with him, and it will take time for you to get to a better place. And you need his support.

To answer your questions, you are not crazy - you are reacting in a perfectly normal way. Your husband isn't acting like a twat either - he has no idea how to support you as nothing in life teaches people how to do this, more's the pity.

In time I would think that counselling together would be useful, but at this stage probably not the best thing. You can ask your own counsellor about the best route to take on this.

OneMoreChap · 22/02/2011 00:45

I'm sorry for you.

From the bloke's perspectibe.

He was nice, he gave you a nice time... and you blow him out and cry?

No wonder he's confused.

What do you thing he should do. How do you think he feels. Do you care?

Original poster
firstnamechangeEVER · 22/02/2011 00:47

I honestly did let him

I knew what he was like, that he was a predator

I got involved with him anyway, I knew he was using me to have sex with.

I let him do it and I cried until he was finished. I probably even initiated it. I know that any bloke with have an ounce of decency or compassion wouldn't have done it.

But it's like I saw a drunk driver get in a car and throwing yourself in front of the car, knowing they will run you over

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 22/02/2011 00:49

Onemorechap...that is shit advice.

earwicga · 22/02/2011 00:49

You really didn't. You will deal with this in counselling.

earwicga · 22/02/2011 00:50

Just ignore OneMoreChap. Please don't let him disrupt the thread.

abbierhodes · 22/02/2011 00:50

OP, I don't quite understand your story...why should you have 'stopped him'? (Your DH I mean)

Original poster
firstnamechangeEVER · 22/02/2011 00:50

I'm using pills to cope because I dont know what else to do. I use over the counter pain killers and sleeping tablets. I don't care anymore. It hurts. WHen will it sotp? I am in my thirties.

OP posts:
Original poster
firstnamechangeEVER · 22/02/2011 00:52

abbierhodes stopped him going down on me before I orgasmed so we could have sex because after my orgasm it's not often I stay aroused Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
firstnamechangeEVER · 22/02/2011 00:54

OneMoreChap my dh knows the score, he is quite capable of empathy and he understands. But sometimes he is a bit of a dick. I'm sure you can relate.

OP posts:
earwicga · 22/02/2011 00:54

I found the beginning of counselling was awful. I really felt worse than I had for years, and was easily triggered. You WILL get through this, and come through it a stronger person.

You are so brave going for help. It takes a lot of guts to do what you are doing. A huge amount of courage.

abbierhodes · 22/02/2011 00:57

Well in that case yes, he is being a twat!!! A decent partner would love making you orgasm, especially with all the issues you've been having! Do you get arsey if he orgasms before you and can't get another erection?

Original poster
firstnamechangeEVER · 22/02/2011 01:04

I would be overjoyed if he orgasmed before me! Or at all in fact! Another part of my guilt - can't measure up, I just want to make him happy, give him what he wants, be what he wants. But whatever it is, I don't seem able to.

Usually, he is not a twat. He must be having a twat off day.

OP posts:
Eurostar · 22/02/2011 01:37

It would generally be painful for most women to start penetrative sex immediately after an orgasm as the vagina dries and tightens after an orgasm. So don't beat yourself up about not being able to get straight into penetrative sex after an orgasm. If your DH doesn't know this fact about a woman's body, it's time he learnt. If he can't get it, explain to him it's like keeping on wanking a penis after he's come - just sensitive and a bit painful. If he wants to bring you to orgasm he should be aware that you won't be able to carry on straight away. The approach would surely be best to tell him when you feel like you are on the road to it and then move to penetrative.

That you feel guilty afterwards and upset is a different thing and I'm sorry to hear that. Are you able to move on to giving your DH oral after your orgasm sometimes or is this too difficult for you too?

Eurostar · 22/02/2011 01:38

Sorry, I see from re-reading that you don't feel able at all for penetrative sex. Did it hurt you before childbirth? Seem to understand from the post that problems came since DD?

Mumi · 22/02/2011 02:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumi · 22/02/2011 02:55

I've been in the same situation as you (yes, all of it). When I cried my DP did not get pissed off or accuse me of anything - he just stopped what he was doing immediately and started comforting me in a non-sexual way as all he wanted was for me to feel happy and comfortable and safe.
That is the appropriate response and that is why I'm going to stick my neck out here and say that yes, as difficult as it was for both of them, I do think yours is being an arsehole about it.

You're not crazy and you won't be messed up forever but it sounds as if you could do with going into counselling for this on your own before considering going with DH, or finding peace in other ways such as informing the authorities about the perpetrator if you have not done so already.

Mumi · 22/02/2011 02:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumi · 22/02/2011 02:56

Triple post Blush

Malificence · 22/02/2011 08:00

OP, you both need support and help on how to work through this, it can't be easy for either of you.

Onemorechap, if I see another piece of helpful advice from your "bloke perspective" I swear I'll scream, it's not the viewpoint of all men, it's your POV and most of the time it's ill judged and highly insensitive. You aren't helping anyone and quite frankly you seem like an ignorant idiot half the time whose only skill is missing the point.

Swipe left for the next trending thread