Crying after sex. Am I crazy? Warning: may be upsetting

[firstnamechangeEVER]

I think dh thinks so.

If you recognise me, please don't say. Not a troll, Shiney's itchy boob and squirty cream, moldiegate, the fishy style and beauty iQueen etc.

I've just started counselling around abuse issues, and am struggling to accept the idea that I was raped when I was 17 (basically I let the fucked up son of a bitch do it to me as I thought I was bad and deserved it etc)

So there has not been much action of the sexual type between me and dh, in fact not much since dd was born 3 years ago, when all this starting rising to the surface.

Just managed to let my guard down enough to get frisky with dh, he gave me oral, I orgasmed, then felt guilty, I didn't stop him because frankly I am terrified of having sex (I am so tense that it hurts) and I just burst into tears.

He got pissed off, accused me of playing 'head games' because I didn't stop him giving me oral and have sex instead and I thought 'you arsehole - don't you get how difficult this is for me?' and told him to go fuck himself (no pun intended). I know he doesn't get it, it's difficult for him having me so wounded and messed up like this, I am going on to different anti depressants soon as I am having trouble with side effects, but jeez...

so my question is: what the fuck is wrong with me? Am I crazy? Will I be this messed up forever because I can't live like this.

and: Is he being a twat or what? How do I explain it when I'm not even sure what's going on?

Help!

Your DH probably feels a bit like he can't do right for doing wrong and got frustrated. NOT your fault though. Are you having any counselling so that you can dissiociate loving sexual relations which can be very rewarding with the vile acts of some complete bastard when you were younger. It might help for your DH to talk to someone too - im sure he loves you, but just doesn't know quite what to do. Please don't feel guilty, what that other person did to you has nothing to do with sex.

Your DH's reaction was very probably based on (unwarranted) guilt - he thinks he made you cry and now he feels like the predator. Make sure he knows that until he got in a strop, he had done nothing wrong. (Decent) Men are horrified by the thought of being sexually abusive / aggressive and he probably felt like he had been unwittingly placed in that role. Communicate this in a non-sexual situation and he will feel a lot safer to comfort you, but if he feels like the protagonist to your tears / vulnerability in a sexual situation, he will probably not be able to discuss it calmly due to panic/guilt/oh-shit-what-did-I-do.

You will both need a bit of help to get through this. If your H is basically a decent man, it's worth steering him towards info\support for partners of survivors because non-rapist men often do feel guilt and rage and all sorts of things over a partner's having been attacked, and what they need is someone else to talk through these feelings with, rather than burdening the partner.
You yourself will get better in time, the fact that you have only just begun the counselling means everything is flaring up for you, stuff you had buried for years; the early stages of counselling can be very upsetting but it's not unlike lancing a boil, the bad stuff has to come out bfore you can heal.
Wishing you strength.

I think he just sometimes gets the wrong end of the stick, wants to comfort me, but doesn't want to frighten me, and feels helpless.

We had a good talk last night and he says he would rather just leave sex altogether until I feel more comfortable - then take it slow. He still would like lots of cuddles etc (big softy).

Had my counselling today and yes I feel worse but I am telling myself that it will be worth it to be free of all this in the end!

Thank you for all your help, all of you

You have a good man there firstnamechange. I admire your strength to have the counselling and tackle this face on.

Thrilled for you that he still wants lots of cuddles, sex and intimacy often go hand in hand and people forget to cuddle etc when not just for sex, just shows how much he loves you xx

That sounds good firstnamechange, what a decent response, just what you needed I'd imagine.

I'm sure you will start to feel stronger soon and better about past events, just hang in there and be extra special kind to yourself for the next few weeks - say no to any extra demands and avoid stress as much as poss, and think up some nice, undemanding things to do.

He does sound like a good bloke who is trying - do you think he would be willing to talk to a specialist counsellor in order to get himself some coping strategies?

A few months ago, I would have said no, as he does the 'stiff upper lip' british thing.

But now I would say yes, he would definitely be open to learning some coping strategies. It may be easier to take him along to my counselling sessions for a few weeks!

Not the best idea as the session is for you, and he needs support of his own which is very different to what you need. Did you find any internet forums? I've seen some before in the past. There are also books if those would suit him better.