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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Marriage falling apart-what now?

29 replies

KateF · 17/10/2005 14:24

I've finally reached the point of admitting to myself that there's nothing left to save. The marriage was a mistake on both sides-I kept quiet how I felt about a lot of things and he told me what I wanted to hear so we are both to blame. He has been a heavy drinker and basically only supported me financially, never emotionally or practically. He wanted a stay at home wife so I foolishly gave up a job I loved after dd1 was born. Ever since I've been accused of being lazy and a drain on him! He has said some awful things which I can't forget and been drunk or hungover on most important occasions such as our wedding day, the day dd1 was born and the night my dad died. I arranged counselling but he just lies to them and so I've been going on my own. I just feel there is no way back and its so sad. Sorry this is so long just needed to write it down. Any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
Mummyvicky · 17/10/2005 15:20

Hi Kate
Sorry to read your post, sounds like you've been having a rough time.(hugs)
It seems that you have adressed the issues and are dealing with them- which is a brilliant start. If you really feel theres nothing worth saving then you need to do it soon before you talk yourself out of it. Have you told your husband this yet ?
Vicky

Original poster
KateF · 17/10/2005 15:42

Thanks for talking mummyvicky. I've had bags packed before and talked myself out of it.It's always just before a birthday or a holiday or Christmas or I just can't do it to the girls. He's not a bad dad but he's only interested on his terms i.e. only fun stuff and only when he feels like it. I know I could manage on my own but can't bear the thought of the children being unhappy. I'm very unhappy but keep trying to put up with it for the sake of the children. I feel very guilty because he has been trying a bit recently but I just feel it's too little too late and I can't forget what's been said before.

OP posts:
moondog · 17/10/2005 15:47

Poor you.
Maybe think in terms of a trial separation first?
Might make it all a bit less frightening (and who knows,may even scare him into getting some sense??)

marthamoo · 17/10/2005 15:48

It sounds like you have reached your decision - and you haven't done that lightly, you've tried to make things work but it takes two people to make a marriage, you can't do it singlehandedly. I guess now you have to deal with practicalities: getting legal advice about where you stand financially and with regard to the family home. I don't have experience to offer but I guess the CAB would be a good start. I hope someone else will be along with some more practical advice - I just wanted to post because you sound so sad. Good luck.

Earlybird · 17/10/2005 15:50

Sorry to hear you're faced with this painful and upsetting dilemma. How long have you been with him? How long have you been married?

Mummyvicky · 17/10/2005 15:53

Maybe a trial seperation will give him a reality check that you are very unhappy and things have to change.
Or if you really want to get away do you have relatives or close friends you could stay with for a few days ?
If your trying to do whats best for your children, then Im sure they would rather have a happy mummy than a sad one, and children are very receptive to unhappy family life.
Have you had it out with your husband and told him absolutely everything thats wrong ? Men don't always take the subtle hints we give them and sometimes need it spelling out ie " I want to leave you if things don't improve"

mancmum · 17/10/2005 15:55

you sound like you can not carry on in this situation any longer so you have to make some radical changes... sit him down and tell him how you feel, how you think changes could be made that would make it better and ask him if he would be prepared to do so... if he does not, then you know what follows, sad for your kids as it will be.. but I have always believed that happy kids do not thrive in a house with unhappy people and you can make a successful family with just one parent...

I am so sorry for you though.. anything that could upset your DDs must be awful for you to contemplate but think about their long term emotional health...

Original poster
KateF · 17/10/2005 15:59

Earlybird-we've been together 7 and a half years, married 6 and a half. 3 dds aged nearly 6, 4 and a half and 14 months. I have tried talking to him many times but he nearly always shouts, blames me for everything and says I'd be happier if I accepted that it's a mans world and just did as he says i.e. spent my entire life doing housework (he is obsessed with the mess the kids make because I let them!). We seem to be worlds apart on everything and I am not supposed to have a life outside the home-I can't live like this, I need friends, interests, fulfilling work etc.

OP posts:
moondog · 17/10/2005 16:00

KateF....blimey,I'm surprised you've stuck it out this long tbh.

Original poster
KateF · 17/10/2005 16:03

Have to pop out to pick up dd1 from dancing but will be back soon. Thanks for posting-I feel less alone now. BTW if I go I will have to sort out a house etc beforehand as have no-one to go to. Basically it's me and my girls and always has been.

OP posts:
Original poster
KateF · 17/10/2005 16:05

Moondog-very glad to see you here. I've lurked on a lot of your threads and you always seem to see through the issue. Wish I could be as sorted!

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mancmum · 17/10/2005 16:05

well with my feminist hat on, I would not want my kids being exposed to that attitude!! I think I would get out -- but that of course is jyust my opinion and easier said than done...

Mummyvicky · 17/10/2005 16:06

Wow kateF me too.... if you have tried talking etc, I would just take that leap into the unknown, your girls must be picking up on your unhappiness, and its got to be better in the long run !
Takes alot of courage though...
If youve decided thats what you want- you need to do it this time, because it will just drag on and on otherwise.
It sounds like your desperate for your life back again, go for it girl !!

moondog · 17/10/2005 16:08

Thanks Kate!
Gaaah,wish I was sorted!
Spending less time on MN would probably help me for a start lol!

Original poster
KateF · 17/10/2005 16:29

One thing that really worries me though is that presumably he would have to have access to the girls and I hardly ever leave them alone with him because he has such a short fuse. He shook dd1 when she was a baby (he was hungover and she cried )and he has hit dd2 several times. I told him I would call the police if he did it again but I still hate leaving them. Sometimes have to otherwise life would be impossible but keep it to a minimum and never all of them as this would wind him up too much.

OP posts:
Mummyvicky · 17/10/2005 16:33

You can get an injunction if he has been abusive in any way- then he can have no access to the girls. My best friend took one out with her ex. Im sorry I don't know how you go about getting one, but if you are fearful of him the police are very helpful with this in getting an injunction.If he threatens you I would phone them up straight away. Also if you're desperate there are womens refuges, but they aren't very nice Ive been told by friends.

Original poster
KateF · 17/10/2005 16:36

I went to see the lone parent advisor at the job centre so have got all the practical info re benefits etc. Would avoid a refuge at all costs-will rent privately and claim housing benefit. Can't rely on him as he's very irresponsible with finances-I'm sick of sorting out his debts tbh.
Have just phoned him to say I'm going to see counsellors tonight. I will see to kids before going he just has to be here but guess what hes p**d off about it

OP posts:
edgetop · 17/10/2005 17:22

please katef you need to start a new life with your girls, you owe it to yourself & them,its east to say but im sure if you can put up with your dh drinking etc you can only look forward to a quiter life, my sister is in a simler situation as you , only a bit further on, she made her dp go, they are a lot happier without him. ,now he only sees the children when he is not in the pub, the kids will see for themselfs what he really is.

Original poster
KateF · 17/10/2005 17:31

How did she make him go edgetop. I think I would have to leave with the kids as he has said he will never move out.

OP posts:
edgetop · 17/10/2005 18:33

when they got the house she had it put in her name, because he was bankrupt, he has always been a big drinker,& very lasy sometimes he works other times he wont,i think she knew all along she would have probelms with him. every now & again he asks for money that she owes him, in reply she asks for money for the kids, which he gives her odd times.

Bugsy2 · 17/10/2005 20:42

KateF, been through whole divorce thing quite recently. At this stage, my key piece of advice would be that you should not leave your home if at all possible.
So sorry you are having an awful time. There is nothing fun about a marriage breaking up. Lots of sympathy for you.

Original poster
KateF · 17/10/2005 22:07

Sorry not replied-been out at conselling. Counsellors really want to see us together to try to work out whether the relationship can be salvaged. I feel so confused. Most of me wants to end it now but a tiny part keeps saying keep trying. I would like a trial separation so that I don't have to worry what mood he'll be in when he gets home every night and can have some space to think but I won't get that without leaving our home. I really don't want the children to lose their home.

OP posts:
edgetop · 17/10/2005 22:18

only thing that worries me about you wanting to give it a try is what about dh is he willing to change, can he make you happy. i know none of this is easy but you have to think you deserve to be happy.

Original poster
KateF · 17/10/2005 22:23

Tbh edgetop I don't think he will change. The counsellors commented on my increase in confidence which has come from basically getting on with my life and ignoring his bad temper and nastiness. I just don't know how much further I can push it though and whether he will give in and accept it or carry on making my life a misery. If we're going to live separate lives we might as well be separate

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edgetop · 17/10/2005 22:32

kate you sound like you have made the dicision its just doing it that is hard. have you got family that can suport you or close friends, you said dh wouldnt leave the house, that could be tricky, stay put until you have talked to a solicitor who can give you advice.