When you argue with your DH/DP....

[Iflifegivesyoulemons]

Do either of you bring things up that were told in confidence and use them to "win".

My H told me today that I come from a terrible background of child abusers and molesters. He said this because I once told him, in confidence that a family member had been abused by another family member. It is not the first time he has said this during an argument. He tells me I am psychotic all the time and then uses that as "evidence". In fact he uses all my weaknesses against me, he once said it was unsurprising that my mum uses to hit me because I was so irritating.

I know it's bad but can't see things clearly. I think it must be a lot me but this argument started today because I said I enjoyed a Sunday dinner a family member had cooked and this irritated him as I don't usually eat red meat so usually don't want it cooked for me, he said I never let HIM cook it for me and it escalated from there. I need some clarity because I can never seem to not end up feeling I am to blame fir the arguments.

I thought that meant you wanted to stay involved in a dysfunctional relationship? I honestly don't want to be but feel scared of what will happen if I make the final once and for all break. maybe it is the same thing.

Can I recommend a book for you?

Lundy Bancroft: Why does he do that?

He will describe your H's behaviour in forensic detail. You will be surprised by how much you recognise. And it will give you the knowledge you need to arm yourself against your H's attacks.

Also, you owe him NOTHING.

He has convinced you that you do. The world conspires to tell women they owe men stuff, when we don't.

You owe him NOTHING. He owes you, a bloody big apology, but it will never come because he feels too entitled. Just because he wants you back, that doesn't mean you owe him another chance. You don't. You owe youself a happy life without this dick in it.

It can be the same thing

I also recommend the LB book

Well just read the definition of co dependency and some of it applies, the low self esteem etc but the wanting to care for and support him thing does not hence his increasingly vicious behaviour because I won't buy into it anymore. But I tell you who ticks every single box? His Mum! I have often said he expects all women and wives to be like her, ridiculously self sacrificing and over caring. He often tells me how selfish I am if I don't put his needs before my own.

I have the LB book actually, need to read it properly.

ah, good call, OP, about his mum

it explains a lot, doesn't it

and of course, it means he will never change, his mother has raised a monster

Do you think that is true? That he will never change? It would make things an awful lot easier if I could believe that too.

What is he doing to make you think that he can change ?

think of it like that

the "burden of proof" is his not yours

by taking responsibility for his behaviour, excusing it, rationalising it...you do yourself a dis-service

obviously I don't know him

I have an idea about him though

I can see the number he has done on you...that you are still hanging in there, hoping tha the "nice" man will come back

the "nice" man is a construct

the real person is he one tha makes you feel bad

you have to read Bancroft again, from cover to cover

he is in the pages of that book

Thank you. I will read it and come back, thanks for all your help and advice everyone.

Keep in touch.

Remember who has the burden of proof.

Clue; it ain't you x

yes, it's not good.