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Original poster

When you argue with your DH/DP....

61 replies

Iflifegivesyoulemons · 21/02/2011 19:43

Do either of you bring things up that were told in confidence and use them to "win".

My H told me today that I come from a terrible background of child abusers and molesters. He said this because I once told him, in confidence that a family member had been abused by another family member. It is not the first time he has said this during an argument. He tells me I am psychotic all the time and then uses that as "evidence". In fact he uses all my weaknesses against me, he once said it was unsurprising that my mum uses to hit me because I was so irritating.

I know it's bad but can't see things clearly. I think it must be a lot me but this argument started today because I said I enjoyed a Sunday dinner a family member had cooked and this irritated him as I don't usually eat red meat so usually don't want it cooked for me, he said I never let HIM cook it for me and it escalated from there. I need some clarity because I can never seem to not end up feeling I am to blame fir the arguments.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 21/02/2011 20:17

No, never, we don't have arguments like that. Occasionally one of us has unintentionally said something stupid and careless that upset the other, made worse by the fact that we're both stubborn people who don't like admitting to being wrong. But we would never say cruel things deliberately to hurt each other, or drag up personal things told in confidence. Not normal or acceptable IMO.

Ephiny · 21/02/2011 20:18

"He says I made him like this and I think I might have done a bit"

No, you didn't, and it's a very bad sign that he's trying to put the responsibility for his behaviour onto you...

MooMooFarm · 21/02/2011 20:20

Please, please count your blessings that you have made the break and are living apart from him. Now take one step further and get him out of your life. He is an abusive twat and you can do so much better.

PorcelinaOfTheVastOceans · 21/02/2011 20:21

are the times that he's charming and trying to make you laugh worth being spoken to like that when things aren't so good, really?

HerBeX · 21/02/2011 20:21

Oh another man who blames a woman for the choice he makes to abuse her.

Wanker. You didn't make him like this, he chooses to be like this to you.

emmyloopsyloo · 21/02/2011 20:22

Don't ever take him back. He is an abuser 100%

LittleHouseByTheRiver · 21/02/2011 20:24

Ephiny is spot on. No-one makes someone else behave unkindly or cruelly. He is choosing to behave that way all by himself and then blaming you which compounds his shittiness.

He is a nasty man. Do not get back together with him!! You deserve better.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 21/02/2011 20:26

so now you are no longer psychotic or irritating presumably?

he is only being charming to get you back. this is to boost his ego. he will then proceed to boost his ego by belittling you again - making you look smaller so he can seem bigger. these are not the actions of a healthy person. do not fall for the superficial charms.

unfortunately this breed of arsehole can be particularly seductive / charming when they want to be.

do not get sucked in again. you will live to regret it.

YankNCock · 21/02/2011 20:30

Nope, that's horrible OP. I think the worst I've ever said to him is that he does some of the same annoying stuff his dad does. And he's said I am stubborn like my dad. Both are true, but neither of our dads are bad people so it isn't really a horrible thing to say to each other.

Shock at him saying it was your fault your mum hit you!

I'd be on the way out the door if H was behaving like this, sorry.

Original poster
Iflifegivesyoulemons · 21/02/2011 20:32

I don't ever want him back, but I still feel sad and emotionally drained ALL the time. I do try to protect myself by putting rules in place for my dealings with him. I just want to get past the hollow feeling and not care about any of it anymore, I feel like I will never be free of him.

OP posts:
laosvher · 21/02/2011 20:32

No, we don't ever do that. Sometimes it takes an argument for our nastier opinions to come out, though they're never malicious - just truthfully hurtful iykwim.
Actually that might be a bit of an overexaggeration, but just something that you know will make the other sad so don't want to say.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 21/02/2011 20:35

YankNCock - that's funny i was going to say my DH compares me to my mum sometimes and that is the most below the belt it gets too. i absolutely hate it. it really pushes my buttons.

YankNCock · 21/02/2011 20:36

oh lemons Sad

how long has it been, you are living apart now, right? what dealings do you have to have with him, any ways to avoid those?

PorcelinaOfTheVastOceans · 21/02/2011 20:41

one day at a time lemons. it will be easier eventually, as the feelings become less raw and you can think more clearly.

Original poster
Iflifegivesyoulemons · 21/02/2011 20:42

We have been living apart for a year, when he has money all is good and runs smoothly when he short of money he turns into a vicious nasty man and any wrong word will kick him off, then it is all my fault because I kicked him out and will not be back in a couple with him, I stole his home, ruined his life etc etc

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 21/02/2011 20:44

Do you have kids together (sorry if I missed the answer to that upthread)?

Why are you still so entangled in one another's lives? Can't you make it a bit of a cleaner break? If you're not together any more he has no power over you. Why are you still allowing him to engage with you like this.

That sounds like I'm blaming you, I'm not honestly, but if you're split up then you should be feeling free, no? What's the reason you're still feeling tied to him?

Original poster
Iflifegivesyoulemons · 21/02/2011 20:48

I don't know, the dc I suppose, he refuses to sort his place out to have them there and to be honest I don't entirely trust him to have them anyway as he drinks a lot. His family are (in the main) lovely too and the dc and I see a lot of them so that makes boundaries fuzzy as well. I know I sound sad and pathetic but he is a very strong willed, quite threatening man, it is hard to break free.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 20:48

OP said they were "trying to work it out"

are you, OP ?

antlerqueen · 21/02/2011 20:57

Can't you drop the kids off at his family's place for him to see?

Original poster
Iflifegivesyoulemons · 21/02/2011 20:58

Well that is what we said at Christmas, but obviously things have deteriorated now. Like I say, I feel as though it is my fault, that I made him this way. He was lovely when w first met. I fel if I did make him like it then I am obligated to give him the chance to change back.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 21:02

You can't change someone into a twat

He was nice when you first met, so that he could hook you

Since then it seems he has systematically broken down your self esteem so much you now blame yourself for his bad behaviour

He is good at it, I'll give him that

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 21:04

You have had the misfortune to hook up with an abuser

It's not your fault

You now have a chance to get rid, for good

for God's sake, take it

NormaStanleyFletcher · 21/02/2011 21:04

I asked DH what he thought of your DH.

He said "prick"

Original poster
Iflifegivesyoulemons · 21/02/2011 21:07

When I read these posts I feel like I can do it. In a way I suppose I never know where the next outburst is coming from and that is why I feel restless when holding him at arms length, at least if he is around I can pick up on the signs, does that make sense? Vi don't want to sound like I am beaten down because I am not, I NEVER back down when he is being awful and I think this why he reaches such heights of verbal nastiness in an attempt to break me and make me cry iyswim?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 21:12

love, why would you want to try again with a man capable of that ? Confused

I need you to do something. I need you to google "codependency"

tell us if you recognise yourself, or if I am out of line

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