Appearance, hygiene, self respect... am I being terribly shallow?

[TheMoistWorldOfSeptimusQuench]

I've been with my boyfriend about 4 months. He's lovely, and I'm really happy to be with him. But we seem to have hit a point of conflict, and I would love some opinions to help me unravel it all.

He has OCD - the real deal, obsessive handwashing etc - and spends an hour in the bathroom every morning, so bodily he is very clean and un-stinky.

However, his clothing is all from charity shops, very scruffy and mostly pretty unflattering. That isn't particularly a problem, but he only washes his clothes about once a fortnight (including the jeans that he wears every single day). So he often looks quite dirty.

He also has an aversion to haircuts and shaving (I have permanently chapped, dry skin on my chin from kissing him).

Because of all the washing, his skin is very dry and flakey, particularly on his hands and face. It's unpleasant for him, he hates it, and does slap on some moisturiser from time to time, but as he never exfoliates his skin (although he did buy a facial scrub after I suggested it), the dry skin never goes away.

As I said, a lot of this isn't a massive problem for me, but he is someone who has quite low self esteeem and a history of depression, and my feeling is that this is all linked together somehow. I wonder whether taking more pride in how he presents himself to the world might actually benefit his mental health.

Given his issues, I'm very careful about how I broach this, as on the handful of occasions I've suggested he wear something more flattering, or that he might want to wash his jeans more often, he takes it very badly. He feels that I'm too critical, and that caring about appearance is extremely shallow.

I take a reasonable (but not excessive) amount of care in my appearance. I'm also fairly tidy and keep my home reasonably clean (clean once a week, bare minimum really - the house isn't sterile and always feels quite lived in and comfortable). Doing so makes me feel relaxed and on top of things generally. Last night he was saying that I basically need to stop caring about such things, and that I'm just being a bit silly.

I am not hung up on appearance, I'm really not. But I do think we all make little, usually sub-concious, judgements on how people look, and I don't want him to be disadvantaged. I also - possibly misguidedly - think his self esteem might improve if he made a bit of an effort.
And yes - there is a little bit of me that would like him to make the effort for me.

So does he have a point? Am I very superficial? I really want to know what others think, because if the consensus is that I am, I would like to change it. And if not, I would like to help him without nagging and further knocking his confidence.

BooBooGlass, I have only ever known one person with OCD and I am using that person's experiences, if you want to have a go at me for using that experience and nit pick etc, then that is your choice and right to do so.

Quite.
No, mummiehunnie, he couldn't break off and start again, it doesn't work like that.

I'm not having a go at you for using an experience, more general ignorance. It's nothing to do with empathy, nothing like a mobility issue. Your suggestions are akin to telling a depressed person to cheer up. It just doesn't work like that and tbh you sound very belittling and dismissive of mental health issues on the whole. Let's hope you never have firts hand experience of it eh

OP would you ever be able to leave your DD alone with him? I ask because if he's not going to be able to be an equal partner in terms of caring for your DD, or any other children that might come along, then you might feel resentful later down the line that you can't just leave her with him for an hour while you pop to the shops or whatever, in case something happens and he's too engrossed in one of his rituals to be able to do anything about it.

I have a friend and a relative with OCD. The friend has a ton of cleanliness rituals and a compulsive need for surgical hygiene at home - he has some other obsessive compulsions as well, but the cleanliness thing is the only one you notice. He's very happily married with 3 kids. Before they got married his wife was as slovenly as me (well, almost) but the hygiene's non-negotiable so she just respects it. By way of compensation, he does most of the cleaning! Can't trust anyone else to get it right, you see

My relative is only 22 and still working to manage her anorexia. She used to be unable to go anywhere much because of her lengthy arriving & leaving rituals, but is now at college and sharing a house :) :) It takes her about 3 hours to do her hair ... every day.

I'm startled by all the cries of horror over crusty jeans! Goodness, times have changed ... Honest, 2-weeks-worn jeans don't reek if the wearer is clean! They won't smell like a bottle of Comfort, but they won't stink.

(But don't mention leather trousers to me, unless the owner can afford to have them specialist cleaned every time ...)

OP - do his rituals become more pronounced and/or prolonged when he is feeling stressed or under pressure?

Has he been in a long term relationship before, and if so, was his OCD part of what caused it to end? Can't recall if you've said already....

It is good that he has had therapy, and has managed to reduce the time spent on his rituals - it shows awareness that the OCD is interfering with his regular life.

Op you come across as a really nice, calm and understanding woman. If anyone can cope with the challenges this throws up, I think you can. Or at least, give it a good try. Best of luck!

Your concerns seem quite vailid, but like other have said I don't think you'll change him

How does he manage working and his OCD? I would think that could be challenging.

Sorry to have disappeared - RL intervened.

madonnawhore yes, I had to leave DD with him for a couple of hours recently as I was ill and had to go to an emergency medical appointment. He got up early and did his ritual before I left, so that he could give DD his undivided attention, and they had an absolute hoot together, by all accounts.

The ritual is quite contained, so once he's had his hour in the bathroom, it's done for the day. He's also quite flexible about when it's done, so as long as he knows he'll have some time to do it at some point during the day, he can fit around whatever else is going on. Hopefully that answers earlybird too re. working.

Grace thank you, that's interesting

perfumed thank you, that's a nice thing to say

If OCD or other psychological issues are causing him to wear dirty clothes and not to shave or have his hair cut, he needs help. Is he getting it?

this wouldn't work for me - I'd be running for the hills but I say that as someone who was married to a mildly OCDish control freak.