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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Secretive Behaviour. Is it ALWAYS dodgy?

46 replies

TexasMoony · 21/02/2011 16:51

Two things that DP does that are really starting to grate on me.

  1. If ever he's on his online bank he'll shut it down before I see it. He's always made out it was co-incidence and that he just happens to be "finished" at the point where I walk in the room but this morning it was SO obvious. I saw him half log in to the acount when he didn't realise I was there. I walked in and let me presence be known and he instantly shut down the bank window. I asked why and he said he'd finished. I said "what, half way through logging in??" and just said "don't be silly" and repeated that everytime I questioned it further.

Yet only an hour earlier he was sat with me whilst I checked my online bank. Why does he think its ok for him to look at mine but not vice versa??

  1. He deletes messages off his phone and then denies it. He got this phone at christmas and was constantly texting on it yet when I looked (pls don't ask why I look at his phone, isn't it obvious?) his inbox was more or less empty apart from a load of texts off me and a few off his dad. I asked why he'd deleted the others. He said there were no others!! A few weeks later I check again - empty inbox. One night his text message ring tone went off whilst he was in the shower. I didn't look at it, but when he got out of the shower he looked at it and then put the phone down again. I later checked, the new message had been deleted.

I said last night "these new phones are great, loads of memory, you never have to delete your texts! do you find that?" he said "yes, they're good". I said "I've not had to delete any messages yet, have you?" and he said "nope! tons of space". Yet when I last asked him why he deletes his texts he said it's to "save space".

Over to the jury.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 21/02/2011 16:55

yeah it's weird.

WherecanIhide · 21/02/2011 16:56

I think your gut feeling is telling you the answer

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 16:57

He is being secretive for a reason

I would want to know why

perfumedlife · 21/02/2011 16:57

Hmm, if you live together, I find the secrecy over his bank details a bit odd. And the phone to be honest.

Have you any other concerns about secrecy? He seems to find lying quite easy, always a worry.

TexasMoony · 21/02/2011 17:10

Yes we live together. Past issues have involved him hiding debt collectors letters from me, lying about what he owed, lying about where he'd been and lying about what he'd spent. So I know he DOES lie. But he swore to me he'd stopped that now and I havn't caught him lying about anything recently other than the phone. Oh and the other day I said I was hoping to buy some euros for when we go to spain. He pulled a wierd face. I asked if he'd already got some and he said no, and then said "actualy, yeah". Why lie in the first place???

He passwords everything and goes out of his way to make sure I never see what he types in.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 17:12

he swore to me he'd stopped that now

he lied then too...

GypsyMoth · 21/02/2011 17:13

There is a person on the end of those text messages.......who do you think itcould be??

emmyloopsyloo · 21/02/2011 17:15

You are still with him why?

Yest that is v.v.v.v.v.v dodgy. I'd have lost it with him way before now and flung him out if he didn't start being truthful and stop making this your issue.

It's not nice what he is doing to you, mainkg out like his fuckwit actions are all in your head and you are being stupid.

That's gaslighting isn't it?

realrabbit · 21/02/2011 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TexasMoony · 21/02/2011 17:40

Not really Realrabbit because he wasn't like this at first. He only started being so secretive when I found out about all his lies. I can get on his online phone account (he doesn't know this) and it shows me numbers he has text. You can tell when a conversation has been going because they'll be a few minutes in between his texts where he's onbvious received and read a reply. Yet when I look on his phone, all I see are texts from me and the occasional one from his dad. So he's obviously deleting certain messages. The last time he was secretive with an online account was the dreaded facebook scenario. He'd literally shut down the PC in panic if I entered the room. I later found out he was speaking to a woman and near enough trying to arrange a meet-up. He denied there was anything in it and they were just friends but he never once mentioned me to this woman, even when she asked him what he was upto these days etc (where you'd naturally reply "living with partner etc etc".

OP posts:
SueWhite · 21/02/2011 17:44

I don't know. My father, for example, has always been very secretive about things like money. I literally have no idea how much he has or what he earns. He is very protective over things like passwords and bank accounts. I know there is no real reason for this (he's not a spy, e.g.)

I am also quite protective of my privacy, and wouldn't particularly want even my partner looking through my desk.

I have also worked with people who have completely clear inboxes, which I think is weird. My inbox has about 492 messages in it, about 5 of which I need to keep.

SueWhite · 21/02/2011 17:45

didn't read your last post - ok that sounds dodgy

caramelwaffle · 21/02/2011 17:48

"Yes we live together. Past issues have involved him hiding debt collectors letters from me, lying about what he owed, lying about where he'd been and lying about what he'd spent. So I know he DOES lie. But he swore to me he'd stopped that now and I havn't caught him lying about anything recently other than the phone. Oh and the other day I said I was hoping to buy some euros for when we go to spain. He pulled a wierd face. I asked if he'd already got some and he said no, and then said "actualy, yeah". Why lie in the first place???

He passwords everything and goes out of his way to make sure I never see what he types in"

How do you know a liar is lying?

They open their mouth to speak.

caramelwaffle · 21/02/2011 17:53

And to answer your original question: no, not all secretive behaviour is dodgy; if, for example, one partner has a special birthday coming up, the other person may be throwing them a surprise party. The behaviour at the time (organising everything) may seem a lot little bit dodgy. It is all about context.

lazarusb · 21/02/2011 18:04

I think your alarm bells are ringing and, given past behaviour, you should be listening.

squeakytoy · 21/02/2011 18:09

Sue.. I never knew what my parents had in the bank, but would your Mum know what your Dad has? I think its different between a couples situation and a parent and child.

LessNarkyPuffin · 21/02/2011 18:10

Past debt issues and he's hiding his (online) bank statements?

Big fuckoff alarm bells would be ringing for me.

SueWhite · 21/02/2011 18:20

She says she never did know exactly, as it goes. But he is good with money, never been in debt etc.

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 21/02/2011 18:22

you know he's a liar and then ask him if he is telling the truth?

don't ever expect a liar to volunteer the truth.

secretive behaviour can be alright when it's buying a surprise gift or something but this sort of secretive behaviour is definitely dodgy.

but you know that, right?

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 18:27

big fat red flags

please take notice of them this time

he sounds like an habitual liar, and not just about the small stuff

what a dodgy bloke !

wtf are you doing still with him ?

MigratingCoconuts · 21/02/2011 18:33

This one is giving me a seriously baaad feeling!

He is hiding things and that is never good. You suspect money troubles and women, I think.

I really couldn't be with someone who was this dodgy.

Can you?

atswimtwolengths · 21/02/2011 18:35

Why are you still with him? He's up to something dodgy, he looks at what money you have but hides his own, he's a history of not managing his money properly and he's not able to convince you that he's changed there.

Does he make you happy?

plasticgeordieman · 21/02/2011 18:40

OH i think it's time to say ta'ra to this relationship!

LadyBiscuit · 21/02/2011 18:41

How have you come out of him lying about debts and he won't show you his bank account? Where's the resolution?

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 18:49

OP, I think you have a very large shock in store for you

and it won't be something good Sad

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