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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Secretive Behaviour. Is it ALWAYS dodgy?

46 replies

TexasMoony · 21/02/2011 16:51

Two things that DP does that are really starting to grate on me.

  1. If ever he's on his online bank he'll shut it down before I see it. He's always made out it was co-incidence and that he just happens to be "finished" at the point where I walk in the room but this morning it was SO obvious. I saw him half log in to the acount when he didn't realise I was there. I walked in and let me presence be known and he instantly shut down the bank window. I asked why and he said he'd finished. I said "what, half way through logging in??" and just said "don't be silly" and repeated that everytime I questioned it further.

Yet only an hour earlier he was sat with me whilst I checked my online bank. Why does he think its ok for him to look at mine but not vice versa??

  1. He deletes messages off his phone and then denies it. He got this phone at christmas and was constantly texting on it yet when I looked (pls don't ask why I look at his phone, isn't it obvious?) his inbox was more or less empty apart from a load of texts off me and a few off his dad. I asked why he'd deleted the others. He said there were no others!! A few weeks later I check again - empty inbox. One night his text message ring tone went off whilst he was in the shower. I didn't look at it, but when he got out of the shower he looked at it and then put the phone down again. I later checked, the new message had been deleted.

I said last night "these new phones are great, loads of memory, you never have to delete your texts! do you find that?" he said "yes, they're good". I said "I've not had to delete any messages yet, have you?" and he said "nope! tons of space". Yet when I last asked him why he deletes his texts he said it's to "save space".

Over to the jury.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 21/02/2011 18:55

What do you mean, Peter?

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 18:59

MW, I mean that he is up to something

something financial or to do with OW, or a combination of the two

whatever it is, it won't be pretty

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/02/2011 19:00

What Pete said.. Sad

time will tell but this will not end at all well.

Sorry OP. Best you cut and run before you find out all the ins and outs.

AgeingGrace · 21/02/2011 19:20

X#2 was secretive, only he called it "private". He was a bit Asperger-y and I was more than a bit dumb, so I took it on board that some people are very "private". He was a financial fraud, spending money on prostitutes and shagging various mutual female "friends". Once I finally got the message, I didn't bother finding all the facts. Neither should you. You've got the message now - at best, you're living with a stranger.

Go to Spain with a relative/friend/by yourself.

madonnawhore · 21/02/2011 19:26

Oh right Pete for some reason I read that as you saying YOU had a very large shock in store for the OP.

Yes, I agree this isn't going to turn out to be nothing to worry about I'm afraid.

MigratingCoconuts · 21/02/2011 19:44

Oh right Pete for some reason I read that as you saying YOU had a very large shock in store for the OP.

Now that would make an unusual twist in this thread!

madonnawhore · 21/02/2011 19:57

I know! I was intrigued! And then I put my glasses on.

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 20:07

blimey !

I know I have a very large weapon in my trousers but that wasn't what I was getting at Wink

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 21:51

oh dear, I killed thet hread with my weapon Blush

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/02/2011 21:55

wouldn't be the first time eh...

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 21:59

I am going to kill my keyboard with it in a minute Angry

MigratingCoconuts · 22/02/2011 10:19

Why Peter, you seem to have a problem with the 't' on your keyboard.

You should get that fixed, you know.

texasmoony, how are you today?

Threaders · 22/02/2011 10:30

Personally, I delete my texts too, not for any dodgy reason, I just don't see the point in keeping texts on my phone. I don't think that's dodgy in itself.

However

The bank thing is a bit weird. Either he's more skint/rich than he claims to be, or he's wary of showing you his transactional history. It's this behaviour that would have me most concerned. There could be a number of reasons, not just an affair. Could he have a gambling problem? Have a monthly subscription to something he shouldn't? You need to talk about it with him.

MigratingCoconuts · 22/02/2011 11:16

You are right Threaders, there can be very incocent reasons for deleting texts.

Except that he is selectively deleting and leaving only the ones from her. Hmm

Threaders · 22/02/2011 11:55

MC yes, however I do that too - I'll just leave the ones on from my DP simply because I text her the most and it's easier for me to reopen the conversation and just hit reply rather than create a new one. It's just me being lazy.

But I totally agree that coupling this with his secret banking behaviour, something is definitely amiss here.

KathyImLost · 22/02/2011 13:28

You know the numbers of the person / people he is texting, yes? Have you tried matching them up with the people in his address book (the one on the phone, I mean)?

When I was living with my psycho ex, he didn't like me having any male friends. One friend in particular he REALLY hated, so I changed that friend's name to 'voicemail' on my phone. Have a look for stuff like that. He can't be remembering the number every time he texts...

DumSpiroSpero · 22/02/2011 13:38

I was all ready to jump on and defend your OH, as I am protective of my.space & privacy for similar reasons to RealRabbit (my mum was just nosey though!)

Given you OH's track record, however, I think you're right to be suspicious.

joanne34 · 22/02/2011 13:48

OP you need to get hold of his phone when he is in the shower or something so you have time.

Check his contacts.... check all the names to the numbers, even mens names ! write down any you dont recognise !

Also if it is a smart phone it should record message and calls in the log. Any numbers there ??

( i did this with xh and bingo found a woman, phoned her, asked how she knew xh, the answer was shocking ! )

joanne34 · 22/02/2011 13:49

ha kathy you beat me to it !

happiestblonde · 22/02/2011 13:57

This sounds dodgy.

But in reference to both this and the 'can I trust him' or similar thread what is most important in my mind is whether it's in character or not. I met a man in December, we quickly became friends and at a few times were were easily sending 20 messages each per day but I just do this and DP wasn't weirded out by it cause he trusts me and it's totally platonic. However, if he did this I know something would be up because he never spends much time on his phone...

thenightsky · 22/02/2011 14:18

It sounds like he has serious financial stuff going on. DD got endless bloody texts when she ran up debt as a student (whole other thread).

Are you getting any letters in the post with solicitors stamps on or anything with a debt collection agency sounding name?

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