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Original poster

Need advice... Husband on escort site before trip abroad

38 replies

Adviceonthisplease · 20/02/2011 21:49

Have name changed for this (at least I hope it worked)

Am almost 30 weeks pregnant with first baby. Yesterday Husband was due to go and visit some friends in a European city. I turned on his laptop yesterday morning to find open a site for escorts in the city he was due to be visiting - 7 different profile pages.

I confronted him about this and he said he was very embarrassed I'd seen it but he swore he hadn't intended doing anything. He said he was just using it to look at and the fact that it was for the city he was going to just made it more real. He said he's found it frustrating as our sex life has been pretty much non-existent since I got pregnant so has been looking at a few sites but would never consider actually doing anything. We both had a cry (first time I've ever seen him cry) and he didn't go.

I think I believe him and have never had any reason in past not to trust him but naturally have this nagging doubt and wonder if I am just being very naive?

Would love to get peoples thoughts on this

OP posts:
Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 20/02/2011 21:55

First impressions?

He was going to do it. He perhaps had a friend encourage him to do it. It was going to be sexual relief, and something he isn't getting at the moment (and that is NOT your fault BTW, the actions would have been purely selfish, don't in any way take any of this on your shoulders).

He got found out and he bottled it.

Now all you have to do is trust him again. How are you going to go about doing that?

Theantsgomarching · 20/02/2011 21:57

How upsetting for you...especially when pregnant. At least he didn't go on the trip anyway, that shows there is some chance I'd say. Trust your gut. You know him. But tackle the issues behind it. It was pretty bloody insensitive at best...hope you are ok

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 20/02/2011 21:59

By the way, he also needs to get realistic, the sex life for a while, is most likely not going to get any better, and the stress is definitely going to get worse. Life doesn't get easier once a baby is born, and you are even more housebound somedays.

Do you need to carry this into childbirth, and as an additional stress to bringing up a new born?

You need to both see a counsellor, as soon as possible, this needs to be sorted before baby is born. Please contact relate.

I am so sorry this has happened to you now, sweetie. I hope you sort it out.

Original poster
Adviceonthisplease · 20/02/2011 22:16

Thanks both

Binfull - he did tell me it wasn't my fault at all and he was an idiot. I doubt the friends he was visiting were in the know as they have just had a baby themselves and he was literally going to be there for one night so not sure if logistically he would have had time

I probably should have made more of an effort to show him some attention. We've definitely both always suffered from being too shy to discuss things so we agreed yesterday to do a lot more talking about how we feel.

Part of me wants to try and do some digging to see if I can find anything else suggesting he has done wrong but then that would really mean I am questioning my trust in him

OP posts:
Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 20/02/2011 22:39

I can understand why you would want to do some digging. The trust you have is teetering now.

Make him understand this, and make it clear that he needs to be open and honest about everything until you feel you can trust him. So using the lap top in front of you, cancelling membership to any sites, showing you his lap top history. Rather than sift, make him show you everything you feel you need to see, and do it now, while he still feels totally guilty for pissing off the soon to be mother of his child.

I would still recommend counselling, it helped me enormously, and if you are in it for the long term I would get it ironed out now while it's just the two of you.

Good luck and remember there are always people here to talk things through with x

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/02/2011 22:56

I don't think you're going to get past this while your husband is lying to you. It is too much of a coincidence that he'd looked at 7 profile pages of escorts in a city he was about to visit. I'm sure he intended to use one.

Unless he admits that, your trust cannot be repaired. You need to have a proper chat about his views on escort use and as a separate issue, fidelity. Please stop thinking that this happened because you weren't paying enough attention. Not all men are unfaithful and/or pay women for sex just because they lack attention.

dollius · 21/02/2011 07:46

I would also question why he thinks it is acceptable to buy a woman for sex as if she is a commodity.

carmenelectra · 21/02/2011 08:33

Goodness another thread about this sort of thing. Some men never cease to amaze me.

It was really really innapropriate, especially as you are vulnerable by being pregnant.

Its good that he didn't go, but the fact that he was considering seeing an escort would be enough for me.Maybe you are different and can rebuild the trust.

It would be a dealbreaker for me and even more than he would see a temporary blip in your sex life so frustrating that he may need to see a prostitute.

After first reading about this sort of behaviour on mumsnet about 18mths ago with a link to Punternet, I will always see this sort of behaviour as way out of order.

Reading that forum details men in the same situation ie nearly 'caught', how to hide it, where to go in Europe for sex, everything you need to know basically.. Therefore, for me, I would not be so naïve as to think cancelling his trip and a few tears means that its all out of his system.

Sorry but that is my opinion.

ThePosieParker · 21/02/2011 08:37

Your partner got caught, probably would have done it. Saying he's not getting enough at home is a shitty thing to say. If he's considering buying a woman then he's possibly not the sort of man you thought would be fathering your child. He was obviously looking for a prostitute......

ThePosieParker · 21/02/2011 08:38

For me this would mean the end of my relationship....I would never forgive, understand or forget.

carmenelectra · 21/02/2011 08:49

Same here posie.

After seeing that Punternet shit(sorry to keep mentioning)and knowing that these men are someones apparently normal loving husbands is unbeliveable. In this case, for the OP, her husband is actaully one of these men.

Even if my DP WAS feeling neglected I would expect him to talk to me, not book a hooker. I wouldn't buy that shyness rubbish either. Too shy to talk to his wife but not to shy to pay for sex(and probbably discuus what he wants) with a stranger?

PeterAndreForPM · 21/02/2011 10:04

I think you would be entirely justified in digging deeper.

I don't buy this guy's explanations.

Seven pages of escort sites ? He was like a kid in a candy shop, wasn't he ? Gosh, what a high old time he was going to have...using family money to buy access to other women's bodies because you aren't putting out enough.

Don't you dare shoulder any blame for not "showing him enough attention". What is he ? A 3yo ?

God help you when that baby comes along and he has to take even more of a backseat.

No coincidence is it, that first babies are a flashpoint for infidelity in so many relationships. In reality though, the problem is not the baby, it's that the bloke is selfish, immature and look for a solution to their lack of attention from other women.

I am very sorry. I see why you don't want to dig deeper. "Head in sand" is a reasonable response at your stage in life (pregnant, vulnerable) but it really isn't a long term strategy that can ever work, is it, unless you are happy to dump your trust and your self-respect in the dustbin ?

emmyloopsyloo · 21/02/2011 10:09

Me, I wouldn't believe him and I'd be furious he dare try and shift the blame to me.

If it were me it would be the end as I wouldn't believe that rubbish.

Easier said than done, I know when you are heavily pregnant.

If it were me, I'd fully believe had he not have been caught, he'd have gone through with buying a woman and leaving you and the baby at risk of stds. Condoms don't stop everything. I just couldn't forgive it.

coppertop · 21/02/2011 10:29

I wouldn't set too much store by the waterworks. Anyone can produce a few tears if need be. Was he crying because he'd realised what he'd done to you or was it self-pity because of how things had turned out?

If seeking out prostitutes is what he does when you are at your most vulnerable, what does this say about him?

ThePosieParker · 21/02/2011 10:44

Agree crying is a response to a number of feelings, not only remorse.

yankeelover · 21/02/2011 10:48

Sorry op but imo he fully intended to use an escort whilst away. Why would you look at an escort in the exact area he was visiting? sorry I smell BS...

And yes I would certainly do some digging too

madonnawhore · 21/02/2011 10:52

He fully intended to buy sex while on the trip.

He would have gone through with it if you hadn't busted him.

If you're going to have a chance of moving past this and rebuilding trust then he needs to be completely honest with you about that.

Original poster
Adviceonthisplease · 21/02/2011 11:06

Having thought I was coping with this I have woken up this morning feeling really low - just want to curl up and cry and can't face going to work. Luckily I've been for one of my antenatal appointments so can stall for a while

The question going round in my head is how can I tell if he was planning to go through with it. He even said himself he doesn't think that sort of thing is right as you don't know the people with profiles or what they might be carrying so would never put me at risk.

He is the most kind, caring thoughtful husband and has looked after me so well during the pregnancy. I know our biggest issue has always been communication - neither of us open up

I am thinking of going to see a relate counsellor to talk things through and then perhaps telling me husband we need to go together

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 21/02/2011 11:14

I think Relate is a must.

Original poster
Adviceonthisplease · 21/02/2011 11:51

I've left messages with a few so hopefully will be able to get an appointment sometime this week - had no idea their services were so in demand!

Off to meet husband for a coffee now then will decide whether to go into work

OP posts:
AllFallDown · 21/02/2011 11:54

Like the other posts, I think he was probably intending to go through with it if he went. However, that's only my opinion, and when other people here tell you he was certain to do it, that's only their opinion. They do not know, just as I do not know, no matter how sure they sound. You know your DH: no one else on this thread does. The thread of hope is how willing he was to give up even the trip away: as if he'd decided he was going to do this thing, but knew it was stupid and wrong and deceitful and was glad to be yanked back from the edge. He's got a lot of work to do to regain your trust (and no one would blame you if you could never find it in yourself to trust him).

carmenelectra · 21/02/2011 12:16

Now that he has done the search though and satisfied his curiosity what will stop him going through with it on another occasion?

Maybe he is genuinely sorry this time and would not actually do anything but what happens next time there is a blip in the relationship. It may be next year, 5 yrs whatever.

If he is looking at this stage in the relationship, with a new baby on the wAy. What should be a lovely time. What about when there is a crying baby doing his head in and he is getting even less attention. Or when they have been married 25 yrs?

dittany · 21/02/2011 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Niceguy2 · 21/02/2011 12:38

As a bloke I have to say that I am deeply sceptical that he wasn't planning on doing anything.

Why bother then? I mean if he is bothered by the lack of sex, why not look at a regular porn site? There's plenty of them out there. Why look for escorts at the place he's visiting?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 21/02/2011 12:39

"He even said himself he doesn't think that sort of thing is right as you don't know the people with profiles or what they might be carrying so would never put me at risk."

And that is reassuring?

Didn't you expect him to protest that he would never be unfaithful to you? And that he would never use a prostituted woman for sex? His main concern seems to have been that he might have caught something and passed it on to you and the baby, not that the enterprise itself was wrong.