Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OK ...be honest

61 replies

chaos · 11/09/2003 15:57

I've changed my name for this as I feel a bit self conscious of the fact that dh and I just do not seem to have sex. Cant say I miss it much but whenever we do it is always great and we always say we should do it more often. Last time was when I was 4 months pregnant and baby is now several months old. it is a time factor mostly plus he works late on his laptop to ensure he can spend time with the children early evening. they wake at 6.30 am and are going strong until 7.30/8pm so we just dont seem to get the opportunity. It is certainly not that I dont fancy him or like sex - completely the opposite actually - I suppose I am a little worried about 'my bits' having had two deliveries in the last 3 years but my figure is ok. i do think I need compliments to make me feel a bit sexier and not like a frump but he probably feels that too.

have to say it does concern me and we have said jokingly that we wonder when we will ever do it again. OK be honest am I normal or are you all at it like rabbits!???

OP posts:
EmmaTMG · 11/09/2003 16:04

'At it like rabbits' YOU MUST BE JOKING!
Only 10 days until EDD for No.3 so just the thought of it horrifies me. DH is the VERY last resort to get thing started in I go overdue. And I really mean LAST.

Original poster
chaos · 11/09/2003 16:12

I would never have even contemplated it at your stage but what about in between children - you have a good excuse!

OP posts:
codswallop · 11/09/2003 16:13

everyone always seems to have sex much more than they really do IMO

CountessDracula · 11/09/2003 16:15

We go through phases really. Sometimes at it like rabbits (not rabbits like that thread recently but I have a bday coming up...)

Sometimes we are just too tired.

Sorry not v helpful is it?

EmmaTMG · 11/09/2003 16:18

Even when not PG we are a very long way from 'at it like rabbits'

Boe · 11/09/2003 16:18

Yes at it like rabbits I am afraid - but did not have sex with x2b for over a year before we split.

Give your husband some compliments - tell him that you want to - that is probably the only complim,ent he will need to get him going - have ne day a week when the only thing he works late on is you!!

Ha ha - this is the only place I would ever talk like this - I am the shyest!!

Can you not get rid of kids and have some time to yourself just a weekend - you plan it and make sure he knows what your intensions are.

As for your bits - I asked my DP (he has no children of his own) as to whether my bits felt different to any other woman he had ever slept with (I had had DD already when met him of course) and he said every woman feels different and I do not feel any larger (think he understood what I was worried about!!) than anyone else - he said that he loved me and that meant more than anything and often says quite weird things like he loves my belly because DD made it the way it is (and she is not even his!!) I am sure your husband does not look at your post pregnancy body and think yuck but more 'she is like that because she has had my children.

Original poster
chaos · 11/09/2003 16:19

O agree codswallop but sometimes when I lie along with everyone else I just wonder whether it is normal. We are really happy and love cuddles and kisses - always hold hands when we get chance etc. Seem like an old married couple before our time!

OP posts:
Boe · 11/09/2003 16:20

Who else do you lie along with - maybe that is what is wrong

CountessDracula · 11/09/2003 16:22

I don't think it matters as long as your sex drives are compatible.

A weekend away without the kids always kickstarts IMO. I find once the floodgates open it's pretty much every day until one of us suddenly gets tired, then it can lapse for up to a few weeks to only occasionally.

Don't know about the bits as had C-section.

(this is SamboM btw, have changed name)

Bozza · 11/09/2003 16:23

ARe you worried about your bits from his pov like Boe describes or because you fear discomfort yourself? Because if so just get DH to be gentle and maybe use lubrication. I agree that you should give yourselves one night a week where he doesn't work. Maybe he could sacrfice one night with the kids and work earlier in the evening. Then open some wine, put low lights on etc.

PS Boe that is very sweet of your DP.

Original poster
chaos · 11/09/2003 16:34

It is a bit of fear of discomfort on my part and wanting to be be the woman I was --fat chance--but also that he may feel different too. There are so manyjokes made about it that I suppose some of it sticks. I am daft too because ialways feel the situation is contrived if the children are away (whcih is never since second child) and feel the situation is artificial -I guess I have to face that we should make the most of opportunities.

I dont lie about it outright but if friends with children talk to me about there sex life I suppose I agree and umm...in the right places without giving away the fact that we dont do it. I really dont think of it as a huge probelem but was just curious about how others feel - I must be embaressed though to have changed my name!

OP posts:
Boe · 11/09/2003 16:36

Choas - you are the woman he married you are you - just cause the packaging has changed whilst giving him (always state like that when talking about how he has changed my body!!) his children.

He is probably raring to go but just does not know how to approach it - and he may feel self conscious if you have not done it for a while. Have a couple of glasses of wine, take the bull by the horns and go for it.

Good luck.

Original poster
chaos · 11/09/2003 16:46

He would hate to think I posted about this - I think we will do soon as it has been mentioned in a non pressurised way. Perhaps I will seduce him - BUT I think I would like him to make the effort though as it is me that needs a confidence boost

OP posts:
doormat · 11/09/2003 16:58

chaos do some retail therapy and spend on some kinky underwear.Greet him in your new stuff and hey presto that laptop will be history (for awhile at least)

Original poster
chaos · 11/09/2003 17:01

Do you not think he should make some of the effort too though ?? He did tentatively ask if I felt back to normal the other day but that is not my idea of sexy talk or foreplay...made me feel a bit like a machine - am I being totally unfair?

OP posts:
Boe · 11/09/2003 17:03

Jump on him - he is just being nice and just wants the nod from you.

Although if you not got the courage if he mentions it again tell him you want to feel desired!! (Ha Ha)

Original poster
chaos · 11/09/2003 17:08

I'm being too sensitive aren't I ??? I wish he would just be spontaneous but having said that I dare say whatever he did would be worng in some way - I think I am just nervous deep down and pressures on our time mean I feel we haven't the time to walk around each other - it would be a case of quick we have chance for the next 20 minutes>>>>>>>yikes reality hits!

OP posts:
doormat · 11/09/2003 17:09

Chaos tell him to take you out for the night and you might get back too normal. With sexy underwear.

judetheobscure · 11/09/2003 23:36

Perhaps he fears your reaction would be negative and doesn't want to pressurise you. Go for it chaos - there must be a time when he's not busy with work and the children are in bed. Seduce him - it'll make his day / week / month / year (delete as appropriate) - and I'm sure he'll return the favour very soon.

janh · 12/09/2003 09:31

chaos, he sounds like a lovely sensitive thoughtful bloke who will be ready the moment you are but doesn't want to seem to be pushing you!

Sexy underwear sounds like a great idea. Get the kids to bed early, switch off the laptop and go for it. Have fun

Original poster
chaos · 12/09/2003 10:23

He is very sensitive actually and I'm sure he would be gutted to think that I was so apprehensive about how he is if you know what I mean.

if I'm really honest I wish things could jest revert back to how they were years ago when there was that buzz all the time and we too were axctually like rabbits. I know that is unrealistic but with the children I am so happy but do feel that I as a person in my own right am disappearing - I'm sure this is common and if I too, made more effort on the relationship side, I know I'll feel better. We were very kissy and cuddly lasty night but he did have to work so I took his converstaion on work as an indication that he wasn't interested - also I was tired as usual so did not take much persuasion to stop trying - MAKE SENSE?? I'm not sure that I do anymore!!

Thanks for all your advice

OP posts:
Original poster
chaos · 12/09/2003 10:24

I think my frustration is manifesting itself as bad typing! Perhaps I need a rabbit!!!!!!?

OP posts:
wiltshire · 12/09/2003 10:44

I don't even know how I got pregnant for gawds sake. When we were first together, at it big time. But over the years, I started to work shifts, we moved from London so both commute back in, both knackered alot. I think sometimes we do it just to make sure we haven't gone a month without it. But as someone said as long as your sex drives are compatible, don't feel any pressure. I don't love/fancy him any less. I have discussed this with my mates and most of them are the same.

bloss · 12/09/2003 12:33

Message withdrawn

M2T · 12/09/2003 12:49

DP and I very rarely indulge now. With a toddler who still doesn't sleep in his own bed all night and us both working fulltime.... when could we????

I'd say at best once a week.... but it is perfectly normal for us to go 2 or 3 months without any kind of sexual activity.

Seem to be going through a good phase though on the run up to the wedding.

Chaos - I think you are perfectly normal. Try not to worry.