Am I losing my mind?

[itsallmadness]

At he moment I feel like the world is against me. When I reach out for help, I don't think I am getting it.

A brief history: DH had an affair but I have decided to stay together, mostly for the children (which I know many people with disagree with but I do believe children need two parents).

I saw a counsellor at Relate who gave me sound advice. She said it takes a strong woman to stay with her husband after an affair and she understood my reasons for staying. She did not think I needed any more counselling as she felt that I had made up my mind to stay in the marriage and had to accept that I could not change my DH (not being honest about his relationship with ow).

Today my mum (who does not know about the affair) called me and during the conversation she ended up critiscing me and I flipped. I told her that she never supports me and always judges me. Had a blazing row but I have calmed down now. Although I don't agree with her I do feel that my nature is one in which I always end up backing down for an easy life. I feel that whenever speak up for myself it just ends in trouble. I want to tell her about what I am really going through but I am not sure that this will help anyway and she may treat dh differently.

I am concerned that I am becoming angry due to my situation.

If I feel let down by a friend I find myself getting really upset. I generally do not like to let friends down and will rearrange things at home so that I can meet up with them but feel that it happens to me quite often and I begin to doubt myself. Last year when there was another meeting between DH and OW I mentioned my suspicions to my friend and when I wanted to meet her to talk she said she couldn't make it that day, only to find that she went to the gym. I don't think i would treat a friend this way.

A few days ago I told another friend that I had decided to move on and not talk about my problems any more and she replied with a comment similar to ' Yeah, i've been putting up with your issues for ages'.

How do I get over my DH having an affair with my BF, and long standing friends supporting the ex BF as they shared ' a special bond with her'.

Feeling lonely and unhappy. Just want someone to understand me. DH and kids away over half term and I know that my 'close' friends will be too busy to even call. Is there something wrong with me?

sorry for the long rant.

Ahhh No there isnt anything wrong with you at all. Sadly I think you are simply a really nice person and one of a minority!

I have been through some awful stuff, at least it was awful for me! Hard for me to deal with. And there was no one there for me. Not one person in this big wide world! That is an awful thing to realise.

I dont know what to say, could you get counselling? I know it just helps to have someone to talk to, someone who isnt involved in any way.

Hi so sorry to hear this. Sorry to type and run but DS is downstairs calling me (demanding aged 2!). I just wanted to say you are not alone, I could have typed your original post. I tend to feel the solution is to withdraw into myself, but this is not helpful, especially for the marriage. What does your DH say when you tell him how you feel? Did he come to Relate too? Is he accepting his role in your feeling this way? Do your friends perhaps not know how to react because they are not used to the situation themselves and cant relate to it? Not that its an excuse. My friends have been fab thankfully.

I too have not told my parents and my mother is super-judgemental of me. Your lips must have bite-marks in them. Mine do! Sorry have to run. Take care. You are indeed very strong to stay with your DH. X

I suspect you put your own finger on what's 'wrong' with you - when you said: my nature is one in which I always end up backing down for an easy life. I feel that whenever speak up for myself it just ends in trouble

Your best friend and your husband betrayed you spectacularly. Your other friends failed to support you, choosing the cheaters instead. Your mum gives you an earful if you don't bow down to her criticism. Your female friend implies she can't be bothered to support you. No wonder you feel down! None of these people are your friends.

It took me far too long to realise that most of my relationships were one-way. My friends & partners were users - and I put up with it. It's a harsh realisation, very painful and uncomfortable.

It would help you to discuss things with a counsellor - not a relationship counsellor, a you counsellor. Where to go next is up to you. If I may make a suggestion, I'd advice widening the distance between you and your mother. It sounds as if she's at least somewhat responsible for your predicament.

I've found this forum very helpful in terms of setting boundaries. I hope you will, too :)

AgeingGrace you are absolutely right! You put it much better than I did. :)

One thing that sounds likely is that while you say you want to stay with your husband, you are actually burying inside yourself all the pain and anger - and not allowing yourself to feel it or deal with it.

Staying for the children isn't going to work if you aren't actually dealing with the pain and suspicion and rage that you feel. you say you are accepting that you aren't getting the truth - but in your heart will you really be able to forget? You won't be doing your chlidren any favours by carrying all of this around inside you, getting more and more hurt, for their sakes.

You have to face up to how you actually feel - not how you wish you felt. I completely agree with Grace, get proper therapy and get to the bottom of all of this.

I know it's not what you came here to ask, but I do want to say - please don't make yourself unhappy for your children, thinking it will somehow help them.

I had a very unhappy mother and believe me, that was far more damaging than being in a single parent family - they need to see that you value your own happiness, so that they can learn to value their own. If that eventually meant leaving - that would be better than suffering.

But thats for you to decide - however, what seems clear here is that you wont be able to stay while burying all of this hurt. And your partner has to be taking an equal part in making it work - you need to get that from him, or this feeling of being lost and abandoned that you have will get worse and worse.

Find a good therapist (BACP website) and face all this head on - honestly, if you do that, you will find a better future, whatever it involves

Thank you for your replies. I have been to Relate, the first time with DH and a few times without but the counsellor didn't think I needed to see her regularly. Perhaps on the exterior I appear strong but deep down inside I am lonely. My DH was one of my best friends but not any more.

I guess my problem is not being able to get over the way I was treated by DH, OW/BF and some other mutual friends.
I have never fallen out with anyone until this saga and now I feel lonely because they stood by OW.

DH wont leave me, claims he only ever loved me but I don't buy his 'stories'. I know most MN posters will say that I should leave him but Im not sure that I would be any happier.

AgeingGrace and Waterrat - cross posted.

I think I will look into a different type of counsellor.

AgeingGrace, I completely agree with you but I try and keep the few friends I have. I do feel really lonely though.

I have other friends who I would not consider as close and also do not know my situation. It's hard to start over again and build meaningful new relationships. Most other friendships/relationships are superficial. I am quite open and only get close to those who really know me but I can't really tell 'new friends' about my problems

I think Waterrat has it right - 'You have to face up to how you actually feel - not how you wish you felt.'
It sounds like you appear very strong on the outside, but are hurt on the inside. I know I come across a bit like that myself sometimes, but what I learned from Relate is that it's important to be able to say to your DH that you are more vulnerable/wobbly than people realise, and expect him to support AND ACCEPT you in that. It is not a weakness to admit it. Has your DH genuinely shown remorse for his affair? Are you still friends with your BF? Is he? The whole thing has to be well and truly over before you and DH can move on.

You might be unhappy in the short term if you split up - but you need to look ahead and be realistic about all this hurt and pain you are carrying inside you.

In five or ten years time, if you stay with a man who you don't trust and who has hurt you in this way - and you dont really get to the bottom of that, and get the truth from him - you might be really creathng a pool of bitterness towards him - and destroying your own self confidence. That will not be good for your children, however you might think you hide it.

But if you leave - in five years you could be a completely different person, with different friends, having had therapy and worked through all of your pain.

Your relationship wont work unless you are allowed to own your hurt and pain - and it is all really honest.

Anyway, of course it's your decision - but you do need an outlet for all of this unhappiness. Perhaps step one will be the therapy - and looking for ways to meet some new people and avoiding the ones who are hurting you.

One thing I would say - there are plenty of people here who would say that they wish their parents had split , rather than stayed together and created an unhappy atmosphere. Do waht you need to do - that will be what is eventually best for your children.

Londonartemis - long story, have posted here before.

I am not friends with OW any more but unfortunately there are too many connections - she has moved abroad but kids were at the same school so we share many friends including my close family friends who I introduced her to and they all keep in touch with her regularly and visit each other.

DH and OW are not in contact, as far as i know, anymore.

I do not feel DH has 'shown' remorse. I am not sure how you can show it or whether my anger is not allowing him to. He says he is sorry and understands the pain he has caused but to me these are all words. I want some kind of action. He is a great Dad and does his fair share or work around the house (in fact probably more than most men) but that to me isn't remorse.

There are some days when we are ok but we are not really intimate anymore. The children do not really notice anything as we do not having blazing rows in form them.

I definitely do not wear my heart on my sleeve.

Waterrat - splitting was exactly what I wanted to do but I think it would be selfish of me to just think about myself. I know that I may be unhappy but I am hoping that over time the hurt eases.

I do not think it is fair for children to have to shift from one home to another, to be torn for their love between two parents. They would suffer financially and that is not fair to them. I have relatives who have divorced and the children do suffer.
I also know of friends who have separated and haven't found someone else and they do feel lonely. Your social set up completely changes.

so for now I can handle being a family for the sake of stability in the hope that one day I will get over and that one day DH will start to desire me in the way want to be.

OW came from a broken family herself and she has openly said that she felt there was nothing wrong in splitting up a family for love. She would leave her dh in a flash if my dh had left me. I certainly do not want my children to believe destroying families is acceptable.

itsallmadness, I was about as seriously depressed as it gets 10+ years ago. One of the first questions I asked my CBT* therapist was Am I going Crazy, Mad, etc will I end up in an institution?

She said this to me, and it stuck with me and gave me the strength I needed to get through it all eventually I think.

"Mad people don't think THEY are going mad, so if you are even asking, you are not going mad."

Actually, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) might be a good idea for you to look into, might help...

I don't see how you wouldn't be in bits after suffering this bodyshock. To lose your DH and your BF in one fell swoop is about as cruel as it gets. I say lose, because even if you have decided to stick with the H, you lost the trust you had in him, and he somehow has become a stranger to you.

There are no guarantees in life, and very few can forgive and forget infidelity, much less when it's so close to home.

I'm guessing that those that are on her side don't know about what she did? If they do and stick with her anyway, tbh they are not worth staying in contact with.

You are not going to get through this situation without some serious counselling. It may not work in any event. But trying to tough it out when all around you are just trying to brush it under the carpet without some serious demonstrations of trust renewal and faith...

I have lived in a country where 'H' was the only person I knew, and he treated me abysmally. I had no friends for thousands of miles, no family, nothing. Lonely didn't even start to describe how I felt. I know you feel god-awful and isolated and alone, but you are not, you have your family, who would be much better able to help you if you opened up and let them.

I learnt that really you only need 1 person as a true friend for your life to be bearable. I'd rather literally no friends than those that would take the side of a skanky cow purporting to be my friend who shagged my DH. I'd also be very forward with information if friends chose her, I'd tell them straight why I thought they were making a grave error in judgement.

If your 'H' is still in contact with this person, that'd be my first rule, that it ends forthwith. All connections to that lowlife of a person need to be severed.

You are keeping this betrayal of you and your family a secret. Why? for HIS image? for yours? Either way, it's devastating you. He doesn't deserve that loyalty from you for one, and secondly, without open transparent discussion, he is able to hide behind the secrecy. He needs to truly face up to what he did, and that includes the disgusted and disappointed looks from both his parents and yours.

Littlemisshissyfit, hi, thanks for your post.

We used to be a small circle of 'close' friends and those involved eventually found out as we couldn't really hide the real reason why we had stopped seeing this once couple. I have told one of our oldest friends how I felt about their betrayal but they simply said that the affair had nothing to do with them and OW made them happy.
So that was that.

I did ask DH not to have any contact although he broke his promise twice and they did contact each other, with me finding out each time. He swears he will not contact her again, he knows he has pushed the boundaries and has severed all contact and I hope he means it.

I did tell DH's sisters because OW was trying to be friends with them. They are not particularly supportive as they don't want me to leave him.

I guess I haven't told my parents because they have also had a to deal with quite a lot and I don't think they could handle the news. Also I guess if I want the marriage to work, I do not want my parents to treat dh differently. Also letting other friends know would make me vulnerable and is also a matter of dignity for myself. I already lost close friends when they found out (although ow spun lies - but again they chose to believe her).

I used to be quite sociable and bubbly but feel that I have lost some of that now.

I think I've responded to all your threads and my diagnosis of your problem is quite simple.

You are living a lie.

When that happens, it causes a kind of bubbling anger inside you that rarely gets directed at the person deserving of it. Your family and friends have colluded throughout with the nonsensical belief that you should stay in your marriage at all costs and that women should just take what ever shit is thrown at them, for "the sake of the family" and given your cultural background, the "honour" of being married.

Trust what you're feeling. It is not madness. It is your inner voice battling with all the negative and unhelpful discourses you're exposed to and have grown up with.

Find another counsellor just for you. I can understand the Relate counsellor saying that recovering from an affair requires strength and is not for the faint-hearted, but I'd be surprised if s/he thought you were a case closed if s/he understood the depth of the deceit and betrayal that you have endured.

It might be helpful to ask a counsellor to put the cultural issues to one side and treat you as s/he might a white woman from a westernised culture. Sometimes an obsession with respecting a different culture leads to a kind of hand-wringing and "sitting on the fence" response, for fear of causing offence. I'm wondering whether that has happened here.

WWIFN - you are a great support and sometimes when I post a message here I feel like I am weak.

I have really battled with my emotions, with what is right and what is wrong, culture does play a part but not totally. I am westernised, I was born here and have lived in Britain all my life and have a western lifestyle but with some cultural values. All I meant was that for my parents generation, divorce would be shameful. I have relatives who have divorced but I really don't know if this would be the answer. What I do know is that the children will suffer regardless of whether I am happy or not. None of this is their fault.

The counsellor was lovely and made me feel better but she said that because I was not going to get divorced, that Relate would not be helpful. The one thing she did say was that because I had not left already (although I did seek legal advice) that I had obviously decided to stay! With this in mind, I accepted she was probably right and now I had to get on with my life. Easier said than done.

The problem is that which ever path I choose, the pain and hurt would still be there. If I leave DH, I may end up lonely and financially insecure. I certainly do not want a new Dad for the children.

If I stay with DH there is hope that in a few years the pain may go but that is also a risk I would have to take.

Sorry if I do not reply for a while - have a couple of DVDs that need watching!!

For some it works to stick with it and get through the aftermath of the affair, for others it doesn't.

By sparing literally everyone's feeling but your own, you will not be able to get through this.

He betrayed you, your BF betrayed you, you caught him. He promised to sever all contact, he didn't. That is enough, the betrayal upon betrayal. I reckon also that this affair won't be the last, as he has managed to get away with this one.

Your 'friends' chose a pair of heinous cheats over you? they are not friends, and need to be told that. disgraceful.

If you stay in this dreadful situation as it is your DC will watch their mother fade to nothing, you could very well be on a path to depression, if you don't open up, share the burden and get some real caring support, depression would be what I predict. I've had it, nearly killed me, I would not recommend it to another living soul.

If you stay in this situation and by some miracle manage to do so with your mood manageable, your DC will still suffer as you will not be full of joy and love and happiness to share with them.

If you face up to what you can't fight, a H that tbh is NOT committed to doing literally everything in his power to win your heart, your love and your trust back, and put yourself and therefore your family first, you might be surprised that once the hurt and betrayal has loosened it's grasp of you and you are free to see yourself for the wonderful woman and mother that you are.

In time, and it won't be overnight, you have a rollercoaster of emotions to deal with yet, you will start to come out the other side and feel normal again. By hiding this, by protecting the reputation of your H and his OW, by not telling your parents for fear they may treat him as he bloody well ought to be treated, like the shit he is, you are carrying the weight of all this on your own. It's too much one person, you will buckle.

Is your DH/BF sex life really worth your life? The happiness of your DC? If you don't radically change the day to day, you are showing them how they will be living, would you wish that on them? I bet you wouldn't!

Please do one thing, please go and talk to CAB, see what help you are entitled to, what help you can expect, and how much money you can expect your H to provide you with. Sweetheart, it is far too early to think of new dad, you need to have the space to be kind to you first!

It might be tough for a while, but freedom is pricey, look at all those people dying for it on the streets of the Middle East at the moment, you will get there in the end, and I can assure you, the momentary discomfort will be worth it.

You are being treated abysmally by everyone around you, and not allowing those that could help you to do so. This is unsustainable, it'll break you, please don't let it get to that.

LittleMissHissyFit - thanks for your message.

Feeling a little more upbeat today. I think I may try CBT as someone has suggested.

I did seek legal advice and the whole process seems daunting. What little I have saved would be eaten up in legal fees. DH would not be able to sustain 2 mortgages and school fees and maintenance. Although this is not really the reason I haven't filed for a divorce. Up until a month ago I was all set for the 'letter' to be sent.

Speaking to the counsellor made me see the situation in a different light.

Also this next school year is quite important for my son so I can not afford to rock the boat for his sake.

May speak to my parents today, if I find the courage/right moment.

Please find the courage, you can't make sense of this alone, you just can't. Nobody can.

When you least expect it, people have an immense capacity to support, your parents love you and would want to see you happy.

DH should have thought of the cost of 2 mortgages, fees and maintenance before he started banging your 'BF'... He did this, and to keep you trapped because of his inability to sustain you following his abject betrayal of you is beyond cruel.

I am so livid with him, he is not taking you seriously, he isn't showing any remorse, respect or whatever. Neither is she.

Your dignity is worth more than the lot of them, I'd rather live on baked beans than live under that kind of regime.

Wishing you all the very best of luck, courage and clear 20/20 vision to be able to get yourself out of this asap and start being happy.

LittleMissHissyFit, spoke to my parents and they were quite supportive. In fact after deciding that I would try and stay with DH, my Dad told me to leave him!

My mum is on a mission to make him answerable for his actions and wants an apology from him. Not sure if this is a good or bad thing?

Oh, well done! I heard your anxiety about what they would think, their expectations and so forth. Now you know they care more about you than all that :)
Listen to your Dad! x

OMG! So my mum decides to speak to my SIL who in turn has off-loaded onto my mum about how awful I am - that I do not work (SAHM), lazy, terrible daughter-in-law and spends all my DH's money. She claims that my DH has asked me to go to work (untrue) and that I wont and this is why he had an affair (OW was a SAHM who had a full time maid!).

I feel like one problem leads to another. My mum is still intent on DH giving her some answer, she is a feisty lady, unlike me who hates confrontations.

Now not sure if I did the right thing, I always seem to do things which cause more issues. Grrr

No, you didn't cause the issue. Your SIL did (if she really said that to your mum). It seems your SIL thinks men have affairs because they want their wives to go out to work Silly me, I thought it was something to with fancying a sneaky shag.

Try not to let your mum get to you - easier said, I know! (Sticking imaginary fingers in your ears sometimes helps.) She never should have relayed her conversation with SIL to you and, what with her throwing a fit if you don't agree to her criticisms, she sounds like a terrible drama queen. Accept your dad's support, though :)

Ageing Grace, my mum was just sticking up for me, although I can do this myself. She just wanted DH's family to know that she knew.

My self esteem has dropped lower knowing what my SIL thinks of me. I can't believe this is what she thinks considering her Dad has lived with us for over 10 years, it has not been easy to raise two children and have a FIL live with me and I have never asked him to leave.

What a mess. Sigh.

i think you may have thrown up a clue to why you prefer not to have confrontations - your mum sounds like a NIGHTMARE: constantly aggressive, taking on your battles rather than letting you deal with things for yourself, that would disempower anybody.
frankly your circle of friends sound hideous. if i were you i would be frothing at the mouth with rage.
the idea of you holding everything together at home with your husband after he's cheated and barely acknowledged the damage he's done, and FIL there as well... i'm jaw on the floor.

let me tell you, if you ever wanted to put all that self control and willpower to work for yourself, you would be a force to be reckoned with by all your friends and family, and i think they probably know that. it serves them very well to keep pushing you back into your little quiet box and ignoring you.