I can't take the advice I'd normally dish out on here. Can anyone suggest any alternatives please?

[unintendedadult]

I have a close family member who I think/feel is taking advantage of our hospitality.

Me and DP are not sociable at all (I'm using I/we because neither of us have a clue), very self sufficient and like it that way, it works for our family.

Family member still getting over divorce a few years go, but coping a bit better than previously, perhaps in transition to the next phase in their life.

But since Christmas they've stayed over 30 odd times without being invited, sometimes Friday to Monday, sometimes days in the week.

They ask, but in a way not easy to refuse without taking offence eg 'If it's alright with you I'll stop until Monday because of blah reason.'

It's absolutely not possible to tell them straight without it significantly and negatively impacting on our relationship with them, which I don't want. It's easy enough to advise that on here and I would normally do it if the situation arose, but it's totally different when you have the possibility of hurting somebody more than they can take.

I don't think it's possible for them to not know they're being rude, and if they do but are still staying I'm struggling to work out how to feel about it.

It could be that they're lonely and we are giving something they need at the min, which we're glad about if that's the case.

But it feels more that we're being manipulated in a way, ie doing something we really don't want to do which is making us feel uncomfortable and trapped in our own home, but unable to speak out.

As the time's gone on I'm finding it increasingly difficult to keep how I feel bottled up and to keep showing the relaxed face I've got stapled on and stop what I really feel leaking out.

Just how much is the 'norm' to give of yourself and your life before you say something and risk the relationship?

We care about the effects saying something to indicate we just want to be on our own would have on this person, but when I look into the future having not said something I feel so frustrated at the thought of them stopping over all the time thinking we don't mind.

I really need some outside perspective on this please.

lie?

Sorry, but we've got MIL staying over tomorrow, so I really have to get the guest room ready. It would be lovely to have you a different time - shall we look at March?

:(

It does sound like he/she is lonely and are enjoying being a part of your life (in the absence of one of their own). It also sounds like you need time on your own, but don't want to upset them. (I don't think they are being manipulative in a nasty way though, maybe just a bit thoughtless.)

Could you get in first and say something like DH & I have decided we need to make our weekends more productive, as of late we have just been relaxing & enjoying them, but now feel we want to get things done. So we have made plans for the next few weeks to do x,y & z. We know it means that we will see less of our friends but it's important to us to get these things done'.

Can you try something very gently phrased but honest?
Perhaps along the lines of, "actually we really need our space this evening, but we'd love to have you stay over Friday week if that suits?"

It's a difficult thing to broach

How lovely of you to make this person feel safe this last couple of months. But he/she is going to have to make it alone sometime.

I would sugar coat it but be firm, something along the lines of "DP/I have alot going on workwise/some other reason in the next coming months, so we won't be around socially much/up to having many visitors. Hope you understand. It'd be nice to pencil in a lunch date, or I can come visit you on such and such a date". Would that help?

I have a bit of experience with this. When we first got married my brother was a bit down on his luck so we invited him to stay with us rent free for a couple of months while he got a deposit together for rent elsewhere. A year later he was still here. I had to be blunt. He didn't take offense, just thought time had flown and we'd all been rumbling along quite nicely (which we had but that wasn't the point....!)

I don't agree with Sibyl. That way madness lies - what if you get your story confused, or they already happen to know that your MIL is going somewhere else?

There have only been about 60 days since Christmas, you've spent 30 of these with someone else in the house overnight? Personally I would have cracked long before now. You have clearly rallied round this family member and really helped them, but if it's starting to be too much it would be better to sort it out now, rather than waiting till you explode.

If you are really sure that to not do what they want would break the relationship, and you don't want to risk it, then you are stuck with them. The trouble is, it sounds as though they have got into a habit and they are assuming you don't mind.

You could just try to say no assertively. For example:

I'm sorry but that doesn't work for us, we are having some time on our own as a family.

I'm sorry but we are busy that weekend, but you could come over next weekend.

You don't even need to say sorry if you don't want. EG That doesn't work I'm afraid, but how about x?

You could also try and get them used to staying in their own house, perhaps they have been using your place as a bolthole. Perhaps get them thinking about redecorating, and offer to help or organise a paint party?

have some experience of similar - and I do know how hard it is, your inner conflict becomes a moral one doesn't it...you want not to mind in a way, you want to believe you can be really giving, but actually you become angrier and angrier and more frustrated.

I also know what you mean about doubting the motives of the other person - BUT - this is where I think you have to take a step back. This person is in a traumatic phase and probably really loves the support they are getting and it allows them to ignore normal social signs.

I think it's very english to hope that people will pick up on signs themselves - but in truth, people often do what suits them - it is selfish, yes, but you are allowing it to happen.

How do you think they would feel to know how upset you are with them? If they are a normal person they will be mortified - but you haven't given them the chance to change if you haven't told the truth.

I am afraid there isn't an easy answer here - you will have to tell them that you don't want them staying as much. It's hard, but if they aren't mind reading, you are going to get more and more angry - and in some ways that is actually unfair, as you haven't made your thoughts clear.

they probably think you dont mind - and I think there is a grey area, where someone doesnt actually think what they are doing is 'rude' - but know they are taking a lot, but believe they need to and you wont mind.

honestly - there is no way out of this other than a kind chat saying you need some family time for the next few months and will have to limit their visits.

i;d lie.

i'd say in strictest confidence to them that you and your dh are having 'a few problems and need some time on your own ' and how he will completely understand this considering his divorce etc.

ofcourse tell your dh this incase it comes up in conversation or anything

How far do they live from you?

What sort of age group are they in?

Are they male or female?

Do you have children?

Do they have children?

What sort of accommodation do they live in normally?

Do you have a spare room or are they staying in your guest room?

Sorry for the twenty questions! Just needed more information before advising you.

Do they arrive and expect to be treated as a guest? Or, do they pitch in around the house with chores?

Have they ever contributed financially toward household expenses or food?

Thirty times since Christmas is a great deal (you already know that!). Would you feel less resentful if they gave you money (in an agreed formalised way), or did regular babysitting/ironing/etc?

If the answer is 'no' they don't help out/contribute, and you don't want/expect that from them - then I'd do as custardo advises. Your uninvited houseguest couldn't argue with that, and couldn't hold it against you.

Thank you so much for your replies.

You really have picked up on what's going on, even though I've tried to be vague.

They are a considerate guest, which is one reason that helped us let it go on so long.

We did some major building work the week before last and thought it'd put them off, but no, just carried on as normal.

We usually just get on with our normal everyday life and the person fits in.

DP and I just aren't the arguing/not getting type of relationship fortunately/unfortunately, and I wouldn't discuss my relationship with this person either.

We did think of snuggling up on the sofa to give a subtle as a brick hint, but it's so outrageously not us that I think a rat would be smelt

But that's not the problem, the problem is that that the house for me is a sanctuary where I can control my environment to a certain extent.

It's this being out of control of my safety zone, them intruding in it, that I find difficult to get round. Occasionally I could handle, but it's just too much.

There's another family member who makes it very clear they don't want them stopping, and even though I can understand why they just sit there in stony silence making this person feel uncomfortable, I hate the other family member for doing it to this person.

I would like to thank you again for understanding what I'm saying, I just haven't got a clue.

Could you get someone to take the spare bed for a while and tell this person that you are turning that room into a study and there will not be any possibility of them staying with you again for the foreseeable future?

Could you pretend to be out?

Could you even as a couple, speak to this person, and both tell them that it's got to stop. Once the words are out there, all you have to do is keep saying, No, it's not working for us. If you don't tell them and sort this out, it will significantly affect and damage your relationship anyway! It already HAS!

Is this your mother?

What if you go visit them where they live (to help with the loneliness) instead of always hosting?

Can you do something to disrupt this new routine - day trips, inviting other friends 'round, etc where it is clearly inconvenient/impossible to have a guest around?

How much longer do you think this is likely to continue? Is there a natural 'ending point' on the horizon?

I think you're going to have to have an honest conversation somewhere along the line. The longer you let this go on, the more resentful you will feel - and there is likely to be a big, ugly 'explosion', or you will get so sick of this person that you can no longer enjoy their company.

Establishing boundaries is never easy - whether with an adult or children. They always push back, and there is always a period of adjustment (sulking!).

The other thing I'd do is pre-empt this person - say well in advance something like 'I don't know what your plans are, but I wanted to let you know that it won't be possible for you to stay the next two weekends because of X'.

That way, you are in charge rather than being put on the spot, and cornered by the 'if you don't mind, I'll stop over....'

By the way, I do this sort of thing all the time with my dd. It is much easier to tell her in advance 'we're going in to this shop for X only, so please don't ask me to buy you anything else'. If I haven't pre-warned her, she often will find something she wants me to buy her, and then is hugely disappointed/upset if I refuse. If I have let her know the 'rules' in advance, things are much easier all 'round.

Could that work?

I think earlybird's advice is good.

I think you have to take control of this situation - there is no way this person would want you to be feeling like this and it is clearly - and totally justifiably I think - spoiling your peace of mind.

You have been helpful and supportive and that needs to tail off to a level that is appropriate.

I think you will find that the person is less surprised than you think when you tell them that in the coming months they will be able to stay less. Honestly - nobody in their right mind thinks they can just constantly stay in someones house, so I do think they are probably assuming it's okay until they get a signal that it has to stop.

How would you want to be told if you were them? Im sure you would just want a calm, clear message - as early bird says, give her/him a call and say just to let you know that over the next few months we want a bit of family time and aren't going to have any visitors.

make it general - but really clear.

I bet you will get a much better response than you think.

We have been really welcoming and made them (a bit too?) comfortable, and I think are of the understanding that we don't mind, which means they've not picked up on how we really feel and that's kind of good in a way.

I'm not being difficult when I explain why the things you've suggested won't or haven't worked. I think the person knows I use MN so I've tried to hide out here in relationships and not say too much, but obviously it's a more complicated situation than the OP.

It's not my mother, that relationship could sustain a whole chunk of MN on its own sadly.

We don't have a spare room, so they're sleeping on the sofa, and we don't invite people round to stop, the person knows this so we can't say we're up to other stuff because we like our own company and they'd know it was a lie.

There may be a possible situation on the horizon which could slow down the visits, or increase them which is why I haven't mentioned it as it might not make any difference and doesn't take away the fact that there is no end in sight.

I know if I even hint that they're unwelcome it's not that they'd take against us, but I'm not sure they'd be able to handle the hurt it'd cause or the extra feeling of rejection/isolation. Like I say, they seem a bit less vulnerable recently, and I don't want to shit all over that improvement.

We really appreciate the time everyone's taking to post, and to know we're not getting it totally out of proportion.

Aaargh! It's so difficult, isn't it? If it's someone you love then you don't want to be rude, yet they are being incredibly inconsiderate.

The time to say it is obviously when they say they'll be arriving. Would it be possible to say then, "Do you mind if you leave it for a bit, I've got this terrible headache and just need to be alone for a bit."?

Who has told you that the other person sits in stony silence? Is it your guest or the person they tried to land on?

To be honest, they should have got over a divorce by now.

Really, it's not helping, them staying with you, is it? Could you point to things they could do to help themselves - join a gym, join the Ramblers' Association, join a social group etc?

If they come to you, they have the illusion of a social life, in a way, but actually they're not out doing something for themselves.

Unfortunately, if you don't tell them, they won't know..

I would just be honest,say you didn't mind a few times but you really need some time on your own at the moment and that you need to talk about some things which are private.Anyone normal would understand and get the hint.What is wrong with their own house?

What they really need to look at is why they are happier in someone else's home rather than their own.

If they are lonely then they really do need to take up some activities outside the house that doesn't involve landing on relatives.

If their home isn't an attractive place, maybe you or someone else in the family could help them change that?

I'd be seriously considering setting fire to the sofa by now!

No 2 ways about it, you are going to have to say NO, and mean it.

Perhaps the person that you detest for refusing to speak to this relative has been through this themselves, and has found this to be the only way of dealing with them.

Courage, get your DP to be with you and tell them how it is as a couple.

Sounds as if they are using you/your generosity to avoid dealing with an unhappy situation. It is their problem, not yours - you can help by being supportive (which you have done), but you cannot fix it.

If they have a huge problem to deal with, it will inevitably be difficult/painful. You and your dh cannot make it go away, and it sounds as if you are suffering in the meantime.

So - it is up to you....do you want to be unhappy/on edge in your own home by biting your tongue and being tolerant, or do you need to be honest and deal with letting them be unhappy for a bit? Unfortunately, based on your description, it will be one or the other.

That's spot on that they're not happy in the place they're living in at the moment and are at ours avoiding the lonliness and darkness they feel while they're at theirs.

It was whether we were at least partly responsible to help because in the last couple of years they've never imposed on us at all, so I'm thinking that it must be bad for them if they are doing it so much now.

The person who sat in stony silence when this person stayed over at theirs prides themselves on straight talking (or general twatishness to be straight talking). It was our visitor who told us it'd happened three times, and one of our DC witnessed it when they stayed over with our visitor. For our DC to pick up on the atmosphere says it must have been blatently obvious.

It's not often I vent on here, but it's definately releasing some of the pressure. I said to DP that it must be worst for him as it's my family member, but he feels more sorry for me because he can see how frustrated I am at not being able to express myself and how (privately) stressed it's making me.

Perhaps you could look at ways to address their loneliness. Could they get a pet? Do an evening course? Perhaps join some kind of support group?

I still think you need to assert your need for some space, perhaps even if you just very gently said something like, actually DH and I need a bit of time alone together this evening, but please come tomorrow instead and I'll cook something lovely; so they'd still feel welcome, but would also be aware that they need to consider your feelings about them staying?

So, what if you said something along the lines of this to the person: ' you are in a very difficult situation atm, and I am so glad we are able to help you through it, and give you a place of peace and refuge in the short term while you figure out what to do next. Let's talk about your options going forward and figure out a way to research what your next steps might be so you can start planning how to get yourself settled into a happier situation'.

You could then discuss various options with the person to find out their preference (strong points and weak points), and come up with a specific strategy to move forward.

A possibility?