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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH is crap in bed....

37 replies

VeryDisappointed · 19/02/2011 20:43

We've been married for 8 years and together for 23 and it's never been great. He has never lasted more than 2 mins during sex and now it's all over in less then 30 secs. We've both never had another partner and I'm getting increasingly frustrated and wondering what sex would be like with a man who lasts longer. The worst thing is he really doesn't seem to doing anything to improve things. What do I do?

OP posts:
Snorbs · 19/02/2011 20:44

Have you talked to him about this?

TrappedinSuburbia · 19/02/2011 20:45

Have you spoken to him?
In my experience, once it gets down to intercourse, men don't last very long, but could he make sure your satisfied in other ways first before you get down to it, ie by hand or mouth?

Original poster
VeryDisappointed · 19/02/2011 20:47

I'm finding it really hard to talk to him about it without saying "you're crap - I'm pissed off, what are you going to do about it?"

OP posts:
BooyFuckingHoo · 19/02/2011 20:50

i can imagine you are finding it hard. you have essentially been lying to him for 23 years. why has it taken you til now to do something? FWIW i think you do need to talk about this but i don't think it is as simple as asking him what he is going to do about it, you have been part of him not improving by never speaking up and telling him you weren't enjoying it. you will both need to make changes to improve tyhis.

TheyCallMeStacey · 19/02/2011 20:50

Wow that could have been my post. I have same problem, married for 13 yrs, sex soo crap. Have given up!

Pinner35 · 19/02/2011 20:50

He may be feeling just as frustrated so perhaps start by talking about how you'd like to try different things.....

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 20:53

Lots of men dont last too quickly the first time, so go for round two, and that is normally a fair bit longer.

Have you tried that?

Original poster
VeryDisappointed · 19/02/2011 20:56

He's too old these days for round 2!!

It's not always been this bad - I never fake - he knows it's too short and most of the time he satisfies me by hand first.

OP posts:
Malificence · 19/02/2011 20:59

If it's any consolation OP, sex will be just as crap for him, not satisfying at all- have you ever talked about it?
More frequent sex is often the answer, you can also get delaying cream and condoms, also, is he better or worse when he's had a drink?
It can be solved, but it needs effort on both sides, he needs to acknowledge he has a problem and want to do something about it, you need to help him by changing the way you have sex.

joshark · 19/02/2011 21:01

hi hun, you poor thing this is one of the most difficult things to say to a man! i guess my only advice would be to say something like "do i satisfy you enough and would there be other things you might like to try? i love you so much and want to make you happy" etc. Ann summers also has a really good range of porn films etc to give you some good ideas. What about going back to basics where you take it in turns to give each other an orgasm through oral sex etc and then you go to sleep/work/ gym etc and take it right back so you wait to have sex?

Mine and my oh sex life has been very up and down over the 7 years and 4 children we have had! good luck hun and loads of orgasms! x x x

Malificence · 19/02/2011 21:02

Just seen your last post, if you've already had an orgasm before he enters you, you will be much tighter than if you hadn't, plus he has no incentive to hold back.

Original poster
VeryDisappointed · 19/02/2011 21:04

More sex - hmmm - we're not exactly like it like rabbits these days :-( Maybe I'll just have to summons up the energy from somewhere and do it more often. We're probably averaging only once a fortnight at the mo.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 21:04

how old is he?

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 21:05

ahhh now the once a fortnight could be the key... more regular and it does tend to last longer...

Original poster
VeryDisappointed · 19/02/2011 21:06

39

OP posts:
BooyFuckingHoo · 19/02/2011 21:07

39 isn't old. it really isn't.

Malificence · 19/02/2011 21:11

You need to change the way you have sex, take it from someone who has been there, DH used to work away and we had similar problems.
Could you try having sex every 2/3 days for a while? in different positions etc. he needs to relearn his sexual response.
I take it he's used to seeing to you then hopping on and going for it?
It may take a couple of weeks but with a bit of effort, you can improve things massively.
Definitely stop having your orgasm first though, he's got nothing to hold back for in that scenario. Wink

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 21:21

39??? that is young! honestly it really is.

My husband is 50 this year and can still manage twice some nights... ok, not every night.. but certainly quite regularly.

I think Malifience is right... bring some variation into it.. spice it up a bit if it has got a bit regimented...

SardineQueen · 19/02/2011 21:22

There is some kind of training method men can do where they bring themselves almost to orgasm but not point of no return, stop, then go again and stop before etc and so on.

Don't know if that's something you could do together - and obv you'd need to talk to him about it.

I have read that men sometimes "train" themselves to come too quickly or too slowly by the way they masturbate when they are teens, and can need to relearn to either come more quickly or not so quickly depending on the problem.

Don't know if that helps Smile

yankeelover · 19/02/2011 21:58

My DH is 'fast' so has to pull out several times and a cock ring helps delay things too :)

How often do you have sex? I find the longer we leave it the quicker DH is

suwoo · 19/02/2011 22:03

When you said you had been together 23 years, and that your DH was old, I assumed you'd be 50 or something. 39 isn't old, its the same as my DH. Admittedly, neither of us can be arsed doing it twice Smile. Would it not be better to not finish you off before penetration? Like another poster said, he has no incentive to hold on, and maybe he is more turned on because you have orgasmed? He can always sort you out by hand after if he is too quick. I really think twice would be better. If its over in 2 minutes, surely he can go again?

yankeelover · 19/02/2011 22:06

Sorry have just seen that you have sex every couple of weeks and tbh I think it's a big factor as to why he's premature. Even if you give each other hand jobs a couple of times a week hopefully it will improve things when you want sex Wink

EricNorthmansMistress · 19/02/2011 22:11

Is he bad in bed or just a premature ejaculator? Or both? You mention he makes you orgasm first with his hand - so he does make an effort to meet your needs? the superfast spunking is a problem but if he's handy with his hands/mouth/dirty talk then it's not the be all and end all and not something you can exactly blame him for. However if he can't be arsed to pleasure you properly then you need to help him to break the rut you are in.

TrappedinSuburbia · 19/02/2011 22:12

Can you try switching positions halfway through (you'll need to be a quick mover but it puts them off their pace) or if he has had a few drinks first as well helps delay things...

Sassybeast · 19/02/2011 22:16

Relate can offer pyscho sexual counselling but obviously he'd have to acknowledge that there is a problem before you can go down that route.