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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I wrong to be annoyed?

33 replies

ostracized · 19/02/2011 19:30

Without explaining any of the context of our relationship or how I feel about dh in general, would the two following things have annoyed you?

While I was washing up tonight and dh was cooking, he banged the peanut butter and chocolate spread hard down on the counter just in front of the sink where the washing up liquid usually goes - quite close to me and to indicate (not the first time he has done this) that they should NOT HAVE BEEN CLUTTERING UP THE OTHER COUNTER WHERE HE WAS WORKING (he did not say this but his intention was clear). That way they were right in front of my face and I could not fail to see them or even have the humiliation of having to move them because he would certainly not touch them after that. Anyway I just quietly moved them back to the counter they had come from as it is a large one and I don't see why he should dictate exactly what we keep on it.

Later, while dh was eating I asked him if he wanted ice-cream (I was dishing some up for kids) - he got annoyed and said he was eating but said he did anyway. I went to the mug cupboard (everybody getting ice-cream in mugs as bowls in dishwasher) and saw that the only two clean mugs left had narrow bases and he has complained about them in the past so I was a little nervous of giving him one of them knowing he would probably say something. I did anyway and he said sarcastically "lovely mug!".

Both these things really annoyed me but I don't know if this is a normal kind of thing which happens and I am overreacting.

Not the most exciting or glamorous post I know, but interested in thoughts....

OP posts:

WickedWitchSouthWest · 19/02/2011 19:34

He sounds like a juvenile arse. I'd be seething actually. But hopefully someone more helpful will be along in a minute to be constructive!

madonnawhore · 19/02/2011 19:34

"saw that the only two clean mugs left had narrow bases and he has complained about them in the past so I was a little nervous of giving him one of them knowing he would probably say something. I did anyway and he said sarcastically "lovely mug!"."

Just this sentence on its own speaks volumes.

Prick.

Rhadegunde · 19/02/2011 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KittaKatta · 19/02/2011 19:40

Sorry but if you're nervous about what you serve him ice cream in, there?s issues in the relationship bigger than mugs with narrow bases.

In our house I?m very well known for being an unreasonable bitch when I?m cooking, basically if I?m in our stupidly designed kitchen enter at own peril. But if that means I need to do washing up before during or after cooking or what ever else, so be it, same goes for OH, if you?re in there you sort it.

But as to your situation, if this was a normal day i.e.: you hadn?t just had a fight (not saying that this is very ok behaviour but am conscious that at times to ?outsiders? OH and I must seem like loons, we can both be very emm expressive), if this was a normal day and was normal behaviour for him he?d still be in hospital having both jars extracted.

ENormaSnob · 19/02/2011 19:45

He sounds like a tool

shabby7 · 19/02/2011 19:49

He is a tit! He should be grateful you are getting him ice cream no matter what the dish is.

emmyloopsyloo · 19/02/2011 19:49

so I was a little nervous of giving him one of them knowing he would probably say something. I did anyway and he said sarcastically "lovely mug!

I'd guess your relationship is highly abusive and you are about to realise it.

beesinthetrees · 19/02/2011 19:50

There is only one defence I can offer for him for the first incident with the peanut butter - does he have OCD re things being in their places or does he get stressed about residue from the peanut butter getting on his work? (presuming that it was paperwork? or was it kitchen work that he was doing?). Otherwise total prick.

Total prick re complaining about mug. Just total spoilt prick. (unless was said with very good humour and a joke)

However, in your position, I wouldn't have put the jars back where he moved them from. The only thing you could hope to achieve doing that is pissing him off. You should have told him that he should stop being juvenile and told him to put them in the fridge. Or told him to stop being juvenile and put them in the fridge yourself.

Despite you not saying anything about the relationship, I should think it is in a pretty bad state. I've been there.

Scrumpet · 19/02/2011 19:51

Chop his bollocks off. Especially for the mug thing. He's a control freak.

pickgo · 19/02/2011 19:55

This reminds so much of my former relationship - the petty, trivialness - BUT you feeling nervous and on edge about his reactions all the time.

I'd say this is a snapshot of an abusive relationship.

PS This must be a tense atmosphere for your DCs?

Original poster

ostracized · 19/02/2011 19:57

Yup, bad state but both of us in denial. Have tried to talk to him about it but he is very difficult to talk to about anything serious. I do sometimes wonder whether he has an OCD streak. When he makes comments or does things like the above my stomach churns and my energy totally drops. If we could laugh about how stroppy he gets about some things then might be idiosyncrasies, but we can't and so it feels a lot worse.

OP posts:

Original poster

ostracized · 19/02/2011 19:59

missed last two posts - yes he is quite controlling in some areas - not tense for dcs but dh and i talk little and are not often friendly to one another so i think they feel happier on those rare occasions when we are lighthearted

OP posts:

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 19/02/2011 20:00

ostracized - have you posted before about you husband? I think I recognise you. There are a few red flags in your OP and I would guess he is quite controlling?

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 19/02/2011 20:00

Sorry x-posted!

KittaKatta · 19/02/2011 20:05

Re my earlier comment about it being ?my kitchen?
It?s a well known joke, to the point that when we have had people around (our downstairs is pretty much open plan) OH has said to others, as has my best friend, here is the (imaginary) line do not cross it or she will chase you out with a wooden spoon.
Yes I am unreasonable-ish but it?s funny a joke, and when OH imitated me I think it?s hysterical.

If you feel ?my stomach churns and my energy totally drops? it isn?t right.

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 20:18

You sound completely downtrodden by him :(

The two issues you have described sound like the tip of a volcano (mixed metaphore on purpose) and like you are walking on eggshells.

You shouldnt have to feel like that, and you know it.

If had served the ice cream in a mug, I would expect my husband to moan... but I would have just happily said "well, there are no clean dishes, so wash one and use that, or make do" and that would be the end of it... (my husband is a bit OCD about which mug he uses at the best of times, but I just laugh at him and he admits he is weird at times)...

I am not sure what to suggest you can do to change things, as you are not at fault, but clearly something needs to be done.

Rhadegunde · 19/02/2011 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ostracized · 20/02/2011 00:51

Thanks everybody for your opinions. It seems most people would have been annoyed as well which means my feelings are probably not unreasonable! Weekends seem to be harder than the week and because I don't know what mood dh is going to be in I tend to withdraw into myself.
Much prefer the week during which I feel more independent, have other adult company and feel more relaxed in general. Main issue for dh it seems is the house which it's true for a long time was messy. It is getting better (youngest daughter now in reception so I have more time) but is still an issue for him. I think he has a lower tolerance for "stuff around the place" than I do. But this is such an issue for him that if I complain about anything to do with "us" (a few weeks I told him I thought we talked only of superficial stuff, and we do, all we really talk about is the kids - they are not superficial I know, but they are not the only thing in my head), he throws "the house" back in my face. He has been doing this for years. He is very hardworking and responsible but there is no affection between us though we are both affectionate with the kids. As he is unhappy with his work situation he is often grumpy. There is just no emotional closeness between us and I do not feel able to talk about anything. He is sometimes prone to being very negative and cynical. This morning for instance he jumped down my throat in an aggressive way telling me something someone had told me was not true (about her husband having been asked to become a "limited company" by the company he used to freelance for) - why would I believe what dh has to say about this when my friend sat in my house crying yesterday telling me and two other friends how difficult her husband is now finding it to find work? Outbursts like these mean I tend to choose to talk to him a lot less than I would.

He does have a more lighthearted side and we manage to have a laugh about the kids, or watching the occasional movie.

Not a saint in relationship and I have played my part in its destruction (eg spending too much money at times), but I don't think we are "equals". He is 12 years older than me and in some ways I think I picked my father. My Dad a lot more affectionate but think I had the same need to seek approval from him as I do from dh.

Anyway, thanks again for mug and chocolate spread opinions!

I have posted about this before and maybe I should stop because it is probably pointless just to rant, but I did want to know how other people would feel about having the jam and chocolate spread slammed down hard in their vicinity! The issue with the mug is that he doesn't like the narrow base as it is prone to fall over.

OP posts:

pickgo · 20/02/2011 03:39

Keep posting if it helps

The more you say the more emotionally abusive the relationship sounds. These are pretty mild issues BUT the way you are feeling is not. It's the inequality and intimidation that are ultimately very destructive IMHO.

I don't want to add to your woes OP, but you don't you think that this is a really bad environment for your DCs? At the least I'm sure they will pick up on the tension (although they will accept it as normal). I know my DC did in a similar situation. I didn't realise quite how much Dc was affected until we moved out and I saw the difference.

You have all my sympathy, I know what this drip drip type of hostility does to you long-term and it's very difficult to see clearly and do something about it.

givemesomespace · 20/02/2011 08:50

Clearly his behaviour is petty, unhelpful and destructive. But to say that your relationship is highly abusive as one poster has written, is going a bit far IMO.

He sounds depressed to me - I'd put money on it. Complaining about cluttered kitchen and which mugs he likes, when at the same tome there is no affection and no meaningful communication between you is like rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic. You also mention his job situation. The more down he is, the more he'll focus on the petty things that bug him. Getting his knickers in a twist about which mug he gets is simply not acceptable behaviour in anyone's book!

More worrying is your point about not being equals. IMO, a healthy relationship has to be equal and I think you've hit the nail on the head that yours isn't. From what I've seen, older guys can become the father figure all too easily and when the younger partner/wife gets (rightfully) fed up and tries to assert themselves in the simplest of ways, the father figure gets his nose out of joint.

As beesinthetreess points out, putting the jars back where he'd moved them from probably inflamed the situation. Don't get sucked in to his silly games. Keep a cool head and carry on as normal. The calmer and more rational you are, the more childish and idiotic his behaviour will appear, even to him!

Clearly you've got some more serious issues to sort - hope you can.

Lucyinthepie · 20/02/2011 10:37

It's not highly abusive, but it is abusive. I think you need to talk to him about getting some counselling as a couple. If he rejects that idea then you might need to have a hard talk with him about how much he cares about you and what the implications of that might be.

Original poster

ostracized · 20/02/2011 20:05

Thanks for messages pickgo, givemesomespace and lucyinthepie - not feeling very good today either as dh and I have been sniping at each other and I feel desperately disliked. Whether or not he feels the same way I don't know as he is absolutely impossible to talk to about anything important - he becomes angry and throws things back in your face (not literally, in terms of blame). Yes I think he is depressed and has been for a long time - the money thing has been going on for about 7 years and even before that he was a workaholic to a certain extent. One of the reasons that we talk so superficially is that he is quick to condemn, criticise or be very scathing of anything he doesn't threatening or that he doesn't agree with. Not all of the time, but enough of the time that I am wary of talking to him.
Yes, I could ask him how much he actually cared, but he could say not at all, and I'm not sure that I could bear to be separated from the kids for any length of time were we to divorce, this is why I don't do anything concrete. That and because he makes it seem as if any problem we have is my fault because of some untidiness in the house.
Also, to be honest, the way he sometimes behaves, I don't like him much either anyway .

OP posts:

Original poster

ostracized · 20/02/2011 20:06

sorry, of anything he "finds threatening"

OP posts:

OneMoreChap · 20/02/2011 21:06

"Without explaining any of the context of our relationship or how I feel about dh in general, would the two following things have annoyed you?"

meaningless without context.

baskingseals · 20/02/2011 21:18

i don't know if i'm just stating the obvious, or being naive, but i just want to say op - You are allowed to feel the way you feel, whether that feeling is ecstasy or despair. if his behaviour annoys you, then it annoys you, it's ok. don't doubt or dismiss your own feelings, because that's the way you start to lose little pieces of yourself.

good luck and thinking of you

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