Am I wrong to be annoyed?

[ostracized]

Without explaining any of the context of our relationship or how I feel about dh in general, would the two following things have annoyed you?

While I was washing up tonight and dh was cooking, he banged the peanut butter and chocolate spread hard down on the counter just in front of the sink where the washing up liquid usually goes - quite close to me and to indicate (not the first time he has done this) that they should NOT HAVE BEEN CLUTTERING UP THE OTHER COUNTER WHERE HE WAS WORKING (he did not say this but his intention was clear). That way they were right in front of my face and I could not fail to see them or even have the humiliation of having to move them because he would certainly not touch them after that. Anyway I just quietly moved them back to the counter they had come from as it is a large one and I don't see why he should dictate exactly what we keep on it.

Later, while dh was eating I asked him if he wanted ice-cream (I was dishing some up for kids) - he got annoyed and said he was eating but said he did anyway. I went to the mug cupboard (everybody getting ice-cream in mugs as bowls in dishwasher) and saw that the only two clean mugs left had narrow bases and he has complained about them in the past so I was a little nervous of giving him one of them knowing he would probably say something. I did anyway and he said sarcastically "lovely mug!".

Both these things really annoyed me but I don't know if this is a normal kind of thing which happens and I am overreacting.

Not the most exciting or glamorous post I know, but interested in thoughts....

Wise words Basking.

Ostracized - please DON'T go to counselling with him. If he blames you and turns things round on you at home, odds are he'll do that at counselling and (if you get a particularly crap uninsightful counsellor) it can actually turn into sessions that examine all 'your faults' and make you a hundred times more confused and low than you already are. (I know because this happened to me).

If your H is emotionally abusive, and he's displaying many of the classic behaviours - silent treatment, blaming, critical and demanding but never satisfied, putting you down, never wrong/apologising - couple counselling is not recommended. Although counselling just for you could be very helpful.

I think you need to give some serious thought to getting out long-term.

Why would not see your DCs if you split?

Thanks for most recent posts. Yes I know that feelings are there for a reason and even if they are disregarded or not considered important by somebody else, this doesn't mean that they are not real or indicative of "things".
I don't know how my dh feels about all of this lagrandissima (other than very dismissive!) because we never talk about it :(.
I think I need to give serious consideration to getting out long-term as well pickgo. It's not that I wouldn't see dcs anymore, it's that I might not see them for x number of days a week depending on how things were set up, and find the idea terrifying. The whole prospect of a separation is terrifying in fact as don't know what would happen, how dh would react etc.... The idea would be to do it in a "friendly" way and then co-parent constructively, but find it ironic that dh and I would probably have to be able to get on better than we do now to do this! Really must go and see a relate counsellor by myself to gain more perspective on all of this.
There was another outburst from dh this morning over something utterly ridiculous where he called me "mad" and told me I do "wally" cooking (this because I added water to the rice he was cooking and moved the lid for some of the steam to escape - he has a real thing about food being cooked with the lid off (he wants the lid to be on as it saves gas etc....), the lid was not actually off in this case but letting air out, can understand he was slightly annoyed that I had interfered in his cooking (I would probably find this annoying too) but his reaction and way he spoke to me about it was totally out of line. Aggressively, angrily and totally dismissive of me. I had a huge urge to just say right, that's it, we have to separate, but went upstairs and cried for a bit. He carried on being super nice to kids (who heard all of this and started telling him about all the things they reckon he can't do well ), ate his lunch, ignored me and went back to work. I felt totally floored by this and also told kids that this wasn't a normal way to speak to a husband or wife.
I gradually pulled myself together and had a nice time with friends who came over with their kids in the afternoon. Some neighbours popped over in the evening and dh actually looked at me a couple of times about things they had said and smiled, so it is as if he totally forgets about his ridiculous outbursts when they happen (not that often but occasionally I suppose), and it may indeed have been due to low blood sugar and work being hard, but don't see why I should be his punchbag. Other than that we have basically ignored each other all day.
Anyway, after feeling really upset this morning, I decided again what I am always deciding, that I need to:
finish the course I am doing (finishes in may)
sort out all of the stuff in the house that I feel very attached to as "stuff" is a big issue in our "relationship" as dh hates it and I am very attached to it and find a way to store it
go to a cousellor by myself
possibly have a free half hour with a solicitor to get an idea of what might happen were we to split.

The thing is I often think that I need to be full of energy and resolve and happily leading my life with the kids and that way dh will never be able to upset me in the way he did today (not saying that I never say unpleasant stuff to dh because I do, but I am never as aggressive as he can be), but the truth is that there are down days where you can't do all that and what I would like is a relationship where we could be kind to each other on such days....

Sorry, this has turned into an essay pickgo, but thanks for your message.

Has your DH actually specifically asked that the peanut butter, spreads and what-not be put away?

Can't remember if he has ever specifically asked however I don't think it is his place to do so - I like to have spreads easily accessible on the counter which is a large one, the same way that he leaves his work trousers at the bottom of the stairs until the next day and I don't say anything because that is his place for them until he next wears them.... in any case he never asks, he rudely tells, which gets my back up....it would be different if it was something totally not related to the kitchen which was on the counter

OP, you're quite right, in a good relationship you'd support each other if you were having a 'down' day. An abusive partner sees it as an opportunity to put the boot in.

I think counselling just for you is a really good idea, I did it for 4 x 1 hour sessions and that was enough. I spent all the time crying and going on about what was wrong and felt really awful for the day of the session and the following one.

And then I just thought right that's it no more, I'm taking control of my life and sorting it out. It was another almost 2 years before I could go and I was so worried about finances, Dcs and how I'd cope, but really none of that was anything like as bad as I thought it would be and I now wish I'd gone much sooner.

Your list above sounds spot on. Do just one thing - perhaps see the solicitor? - and I bet you'll feel much better just because you've made a start.

I think ultimately all these putdowns and trivial criticisms are a way to assert control over you. Try to distance yourself and reject each and every one of them out loud or to yourself.

Thank you for your kind message pickgo, I'm glad you are happier now :)