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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

(over) stages of domestic violence

33 replies

thekidsrule · 19/02/2011 19:20

hi,have namechanged for this

heres a little background,ive been in a relationship for 3yrs to a man that basically subjected me to domestic violence,emotional abuse,cheated on me i think you get the picture,anyway we have broken up a few times but this time is the longest 7wks,i finished it as i really couldnt go on and was very unhappy

anyway he has stalked ,pestered ,caused huge seans in public etc but ive stayed strong and finally felt so much better

i have 3 children of my own (none his)and my own home so atleast i was lucky not to be tied to him like some

anyway the last week he hasnt bothered me at all and ive really struggled with my feelings this week,i felt so down last night i texted him and basically he was very cold and didnt seem to want to know,im so cross with myself as i know i dont really want him so why do i feel like this

are there stages you go through (like a berevment)i feel so angry now for lots of reasons and i suppose i need to know this is natural,oh and hes a compilsive liar that plays mind games

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 19/02/2011 19:26

Yes you do go through stages, but gets so much easier.

I left my abusive ex and moved on. It's been 7 years now, but I still sneak a look at his facebook page from time to time.

Original poster
thekidsrule · 19/02/2011 19:28

can you explain the stages you went through,if poss

OP posts:
sausagerolemodel · 19/02/2011 19:43

I am not sure this is a "stage" so much as the cat and doesn't mouse game that happens in many abusive relationships.

While he has been pestering you, you can still feel like he cares and wants you, but you are choosing not to have him, so you have control. B

y stopping contacting you, and then waiting for you to text him, he has shifted the power balance back to himself.

Just because he's abusive doesn't mean you wont miss him and grieve for the relationship. Just because the logical thing to do is to leave doesn't mean that its the easy thing to do and that your emotions won;t drag you the other way.
You have to try and stay in control, which means trying not to fall into the trap of wanting him more when he pretends he doesn't want you or he moves away emotionally.

Its tough but the only thing to do is stay strong and try to remember the reasons why you can never go back when you are tempted to get in contact. It gets easier with time, but only if you cease contact altogether (at least for, like a year or more), otherwise it just becomes like an ongoing addiction. Trust me - been there. Good luck.

sausagerolemodel · 19/02/2011 19:49

But it will start being easier to resist contact in about a month by my recollection.

Original poster
thekidsrule · 20/02/2011 17:36

thank you ladies laptop went down last night so just checked in

yeah your reasons do make sense and ive been doing the no contact and first few weeks worked well,trouble is he only lives 5 mins walk from me and i see him driving about and then he hasnt bothered me for the week,but recognise what your saying about the power shift

he was supposed to pick up the last of his building things yesterday and didnt,he sent a txt late last night and said just get rid of them,they had been left out on the drive so no contact needed

i just txt back saying fine,then he thanks and i didnt reply back

have been doing lots of gardening today so that has occuppied me and made me a little better

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 20/02/2011 17:40

Its a natural reaction, but its one that is best avoided (the texting I mean).

It does get easier, but there will be times when you wonder if it would all be ok next time around, if he has changed, if he will be different.

No it wouldnt be ok, no, he wont have changed, and no, he wont be any different. Just keep that in your mind above anything else. :)

janiesmum · 20/02/2011 17:45

maybe he has found someone else to annoy

Original poster
thekidsrule · 20/02/2011 17:54

weird thing is i dont feel i want him back,but think i dont like not being in control if honest (not that i was really when i was with him otherwise if i had been i wouldnt of got in this mess)

yes janie that had crossed my mind and feel it is a possibility,going by his track record

will just have to carry on as i was doing before this hiccup

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/02/2011 18:12

london trip

Original poster
thekidsrule · 20/02/2011 18:57

london trip,dont follow

OP posts:
Jellykat · 20/02/2011 19:28

I feel exactly the same as you,the circumstances are exactly the same as yours OP.

I did so well between Xmas,and Valentines,when he texted again.I didn't reply,but somehow the contact reminded me of the good bits,and last Thursday i agreed to him phoning.

He was really cold and aggressive, and when he said he loved me,and i didn't reply he got angry,so i ended up saying 'i love you too' purely to avoid the conflict again..

I feel like i have gone right back to the beginning emotionally,he doesn't care about me at all,it's just a weird control game with him.I just don't understand how i feel so lost - surely i should feel relieved??

You are not alone thekidsrule Sad

Original poster
thekidsrule · 20/02/2011 19:35

jellykat,yes it helps when others go/been through similar

just reading over these replies helps alot

keep going jelly im determined to even though i know there will be wobbles

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 20/02/2011 19:42

I think that Women's Aid run some sort of debriefing type counselling for women in your situation. Might be worth giving them a call or having a look at their website perhaps? I'm sure they would be able to point you in the direction of something if not :) Don't worry about phoning them - I'm sure they'd rather help you out at this stage than have you phone them in 6 months or a year needing to escape again if you'd gone back to him.

Keep posting on mumsnet too. I swear it's better than therapy Grin

Jellykat · 20/02/2011 19:45

Big wobbles! When your home phone rings, or mobile beeps for incoming texts,does your heart stop?
Does half of you hope it's him,and the other half pray it isn't??

Original poster
thekidsrule · 20/02/2011 19:56

yes jelly so the same,when its not him its like ohhhhh and when it is you dont want it to be,

i love the relationship board it is so supportive and can really relate to posters

im trying to remember the violence and me begging him to stop and then him making me apologise for what hed done (was told it was my fault)

i suppose because he has not bothered me this week my mind goes into overdrive,what does it matter what hes doing,with who,now that really annoys me and makes me cross with myself

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 20/02/2011 20:58

Just wanted to say sorry for random irrelevant posting, which was due to leaving MN up when DS wanted to use the computer.

Jellykat · 20/02/2011 21:38

I'm sorry you're going through the same OP, but selfishly i'm glad it's not just me!

I did have some counselling in the summer,through the NHS,but i stupidly went back twice afterwards.

I don't have anyone in RL to talk to about how i feel and keep me moving forward,i think that's why i'm stuck,and why i miss him so much,maybe we could help each other a bit?

NotANaturalGeordie · 20/02/2011 21:48

Perhaps you have spent so long worried about how he will be with you when you see him that your mind is in the habit of thinking about him, and when there is no contact you still think about him? It takes time for habits, good and bad, to change. Distracting yourself where possible sounds like a good idea - any kind of contact with him sounds like a bad idea. Good luck.

Original poster
thekidsrule · 20/02/2011 22:37

thank you all,jelly feel free to contact me

OP posts:
Jellykat · 21/02/2011 16:30

Ah Thank you...Feeling a bit more 'logical' today,hope you are too! Smile

smokingnuns · 21/02/2011 17:02

It was a long time ago for me but some of the details you never forget. I know that after I left him, practically skipped away, overwhelmed with joy... I went into THE most intense withdrawals. That's the only way I can describe it. It took me completely by surprise as I was overjoyed to be away from him and couldn't understand what was happening. I literally shook, couldn't sleep, extremely agitated, terrible dreams - it was hell. I said to someone that it felt like I was withdrawing from heroin or something. Little did I know at the time that that was exactly what was happening ie I was withdrawing from my addiction.

The horrible fact about these horrible relationships is that they are addictive. I think the physical withdrawals I had were a withdrawal from being on constant adrenalin alert, for years. Suddenly there was no frightening situation, nothing to fear. You do go through a time where you feel that life is bland and dull, nothing worth anything on the horizon. You even crave the manic ups and downs you had with your abuser, kidding yourself that at least there was a lot of passion in it.

I think the longing can also be grief because for so long you waited for the lovely person you fell in love with to triumph over the monster. Also guilt that you've abandoned them - a big component of these relationships is feeling sorry for them, hearing their terrible stories, wanting to love them so they can heal from their past. When you've been away a while you start to see their 'terrible stories' for what they are - a lot of them are self-pitying and one-sided.

I've seen it many times and I'd say it takes at least a week but definitely a month for those addictive urges to start to subside and for life to get into balance again. Keeping yourself as busy as possible is a good idea - gardening is great but it is solitary and made me think too much - I remember stopping to sob on the handle of a spade. Watch a lot of films/plays etc and see a lot of people if you can, just for now while you wait to get over this addictive hump. Keep going thekidsrule and jellykat, you'll get there xx

smokingnuns · 21/02/2011 17:03

I really must stop posting such long posts! Blush

smokingnuns · 21/02/2011 17:07

re at least a week - this refers to complete withdrawal from contact with them ie I have seen and experienced a dramatic improvement from just being away from them for a week. Is there any way OP you can get away for a while, stay with family in another part of the country? I'd also look to move permanently, or pray he does. It is much much harder to get over them if they're right under your nose.

Jellykat · 21/02/2011 18:33

Wow smokingnuns You have written exactly how i feel!!

I am constantly questioning this complete void i appear to be in/not sleeping/can't eat/anxious..You are so so right!It is how i imagine cold turkey to be.

It would have been our 4th Anniversary in 10 days time, but there is no way i can go back anymore,i know it.I no longer believe anything he says - they are just words,and they always will be.I did feel sorry for him because of his past,but i also told him it was his decision to allow it to rule his life, and not seek help.

Thank you for making me think of it all in a different way.

Shit! He's just texted..

ledkr · 21/02/2011 19:09

dont forget as well as trying to get over a relationship break up you are also suffering from trauma and possibly post traumatic stress disorder.The fallout from dv is worse as it has been kept secret for so long.
I was ok when i ended mine but had also left it far too long and was actually in real fear for my life so the relief helped a lot.
Just remember when tempted that you have come this far and so may as well carry on as it does get easier and easier.Am now re married to a gentle kind man and i cannot tell you how lovely it is to be able to act naturally ie have an opinion or disaggree with him,without being hit or threatened.Ex actually used to growl at me and show me the back of his hand,that actually makes me laugh now its so stupid.