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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

12 year old son, do I interfere?

29 replies

RedSnow · 19/02/2011 14:15

I allow my son to have facebook on the condition that I know his password and can check on it whenever I want to. I don't usually because he's a good kid and is never really in trouble for anything but I noticed today that whenever I went in his room, he shut facebook down quickly. He didn't seem very happy either. I logged onto his account on my laptop and noticed a number of conversations going on. Gist of the story is, a girl from school has blocked him saying he's a stalker and pisses her off and is always nagging her to go out with him when she's said no. Another girl is on there telling DS to get over it and that everyone else is getting pissed off hearing him go on about it constantly. DS says the girl shouldn't be bragging about hurting someone who "loves" her and that's why he's insisting on talking to her. Another girl asked him what was wrong and he said this other girl was being a bitch. A number of other girls (obviously enjoying the drama) are passing messages between DS and this other girl. DS keeps begging people to nag the girl to unblock him.
What do I do? DS is obviously bothering the girl and should leave her alone. He's not going to listen to me saying that though, we've had situations like this before, he gets obsessed with people, scares them away by being too OTT. If I speak to him, he'll just agree with me, promise to leave her alone and then find some other way than facebook to bother her.

Do I stay out of it or interfere?

OP posts:

Maryz · 19/02/2011 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ICanPluck · 19/02/2011 14:19

I'd personally interfere, he could end up getting himself into a tricky situation and get hurt - not just emotionally, and he needs to learn now that he can't keep behaving this way towards people, especially girls. It won't do his nose any favours when he is older when he gets obsessed with the wrong girl and her boyfriend decides to sort it out.

No means no. He must know this.

perfectstorm · 19/02/2011 14:20

TBH I think he needs counselling. It's a worry at 12, but at 21, he could find himself on the wrong end of a harassment case. He needs to find some way of understanding that other people's rights/feelings/boundaries matter, and that his "love" is 1) not relevant to how they feel, and 2) not really love at all if her feelings don't matter to him, just his own.

It's a tough one to learn at any age, but the extent he's taking this is a worry, and I don't think some professional help would go awry now. You say he's basically a good person who just needs a bit of help, and a good counsellor would provide that.

I'm sorry, and good for you for having such a good handle on the situation and being so aware that this isn't your lad being bullied. Not all mothers would be that honest with themselves.

Original poster

RedSnow · 19/02/2011 14:24

It worries me so much because in all other areas he's a great kid. He's a model pupil at school, high intelligence, never any bother - but he gets OBSESSED with people and it makes him so unpopular. It's happened 3 times before. The first time he was only about 8 and it only stopped when the girl moved back to Malaysia. Then again last year with a girl in the last year of primary (This one only ended when they left the school and went seperate ways) and now this one but as he's getting older, it's getting more worrying and intense.

How would I go about getting him some professional help?

OP posts:

activate · 19/02/2011 14:24

tell him you've seen it

tell him you don't get people into you by bullying them into it and that your advice would be to drop it for a few weeks and she will come to him if she wants to be frinds

nothing as annoying as a lovesick puppy

bonkers20 · 19/02/2011 14:28

I am not sure why you allowed your son a FB account before the required minimum age knowing that he can be obsessive. FB can be addictive for those types of personalities.

Anyway, as he knows that you can check up on what he's doing then I think it apsoultely appropriate that you talk to him about this.
It's not interfering if you've already agreed with him that you will check what he's been doing.

I agree with what the others have said. He really needs to learn this lesson quite soon otherwise he'll get himself in alsorts of trouble.

I'd take away his FB account until he can show you he is mature enough to handle it.

bigTillyMint · 19/02/2011 14:31

Oh dear.

You could go to your Gp and ask for a referral to CAMHS (Child and Adolescent Mental Health), but it could be a while before he is seen depending on waiting lists.

I would start by having a long chat with him as others have said and letting him know that this behaviour is not normal, and if he thinks there is anything you can do to help.

pagwatch · 19/02/2011 14:33

I didn't let my son on facebook until he was 15.

He is being given access to a medium that he cannot manage because of his immaturity and his obsessive tendency.

You should interfere. You should explain he is over stepping boundaries by imposing his feelings over someone elses. And you should take him off facebook.

Children should not be on face book IMO.

Maryz · 19/02/2011 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

perfectstorm · 19/02/2011 14:37

CAMHS, but if you have the money (I appreciate this is very possibly not the case) you could get private help, too. But you do need to, I think.

Obsessive tendencies do often go with very high intelligence. But he needs some support and help here, I think.

I'm not sure removing fb would solve the issue. Apart from anything else he could just open a new account, and there are so many ways kids can communicate now.

cyb · 19/02/2011 14:38

I've just ordered this and it has a chapter on the child who is slightly out of kilter with their friends and doesnt know the 'rules' of friendship

I would scrap the FB thing though, he's clearly not mature enough to cope with its 'sophisticated' way of communicating. Things seem worse when they are written down, sometimes, no matter how well intentioned

perfectstorm · 19/02/2011 14:38

Agreed that those involved, other than the girl in question, will all be enjoying the drama of it, sadly. That does propagate these situations.

emmyloopsyloo · 19/02/2011 14:42

Kids shouldn't be on fb IMO full stop. But the fact he has quite clear issues with bounderies, obsessions and inappropriate behaviour, I'm suprised he's still on it.

Get to the GP and get him referred to CAMHS. Try and deal with it now whilst he is still young, as it's setting a quite scary precedent.

squeakytoy · 19/02/2011 14:49

Sadly this is the reason why kids should not be allowed on facebook (and why a lot of adults shouldnt be on it too!)

I do think that this issue with your son is likely to get worse if you dont seek some professional help for him. Certainly now he is at an age where all his peers will be interested in members of the opposite sex, and relationship problems become the major part of life (as is usual for most teens).

Original poster

RedSnow · 19/02/2011 15:01

Ok I just observed a conversation with him and this girl where he apologised for his "creepy" behaviour and promised not to do it anymore. She agreed to "start a fresh" with him and then went offline.
With that, he realised I was on his facebook and shut down all the conversation windows. I called him downstairs and asked what was going on. I got the usual "I won't do it anymore" etc, I explained about harrassment orders, criminal records (which would put a spanner in his dreams of going to uni), police coming around, angry dads knocking at the door, school getting on his case for bullying etc etc.
I've set him a challenge to not instigate conversation with the girl for an entire week (and I'll be monitoring this). And if anyone else mentions her, he's to change the subject. If he fails this, facebook is banned until he's 13.

OP posts:

emmyloopsyloo · 19/02/2011 15:04

Your resposne to the what third?!? Scary episode from your son which is getting worse as he gets older, is if he does it again, you'll ban fb until hos next birthday.

This has to be a wind up or nomination for terrible parent of the year.

Original poster

RedSnow · 19/02/2011 15:08

Err not really, my concern is that I ban facebook now, he'll just find another way to do this which I can't monitor. I'm also going to make an appointment with the school councillor.

Your judgmental attitude stinks.

OP posts:

emmyloopsyloo · 19/02/2011 15:09

Thanks. You posted it on a public forum so you should expect people to judge.

Tortington · 19/02/2011 15:13

there are ways and ..ways of stating opinions though, if you disagree, you dont automatically call someone worst parent of the year. bit melodramatic in itslef actually

anyway

i have three kids, i know that one of them is weirder than the other two.

i think you know if your kids a weirdo - so ki think its right that you monitor the situation.

besides i think fb is invaluable as a source of spying on teenagers.

perfectstorm · 19/02/2011 15:17

That's harsh, Emmyloopsyloo.

OP - I'm afraid I agree that your response is not really tough enough. This is the 3rd time your son has done this, and he needs professional help IMO. Telling him he's in the wrong and potential consequences isn't getting at why he does this. If it was something he could control, then presumably he wouldn't. I do think he needs help, and from appropriately qualified professionals. This is beyond the realms of normal early teenage daftness, from what you describe, and it's been going on for years.

MigratingCoconuts · 19/02/2011 15:21

As a secondary school teacher, this sounds to me like a crush handled clumsily and that FB has amplified it. That's why I hate FB

I think you should talk to your son, say you have seen it and that this is the reason you do need some overview of his account.

I would advise him to back right off. This should be a good lesson to him in relationships. If he does this, then FB can continue as before. However, warn him of the consequences if he doesn't

If he continues after that, then you would be right to contact the school and CAMHs.

FB etc comes up so regularly as a means of cyber bullying that I personally find i scarey

emmyloopsyloo · 19/02/2011 15:22

It's not harsh. It's the 4th I stand corrected, he has done this 3 times previously.

A kid with such issues and boundary issues with girls, should not be "facing a ban on fb" until his next birthday. What kind of deterrent is that. That's rediculous.

He shouldn't be on it full stop, he is not old enough and clearly not able to deal with these situations.

The parent should take control he is 12 and this is the 4th time he has got into bother. Very worrying.

MigratingCoconuts · 19/02/2011 15:22

oh, I missed the bit where you said it was the third time...then I would take FB off him

lospolloshermanos · 19/02/2011 16:18

BUMP
I think emmyloopsyloo- you are being very harsh,

believe me many parents would bury their head inthe sand at this age(12 is young) and only when he's 16/17 when something bad is done the chorus of 'where did I go wrong'

Kudos to OP for tackling this now, and it must be hard to admit to yourself that there is an issue

perfectstorm · 19/02/2011 20:24

Nobody is disagreeing that it's worrying, emmyloopsyloo. They're simply pointing out that your adolescent need to posture and swagger on the internet is not assisting the OP in working out how best to help her son. This is not about you, so back off and allow the OP to get the actual help she came for.

OP, I reiterate: good for you for not just assuming this is a normal adolescent kerfuffle, and wanting to help your son accept he is out of line. But I do think a bit of professional help would be more useful than sanctions, which as you've already said would just make him more adept at hiding what he's doing from you.

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