I'm28, my boyfriends 35,and im 39 wks pregnant today. Things haven't been easy for us, we've only been together 18 months and the baby wasn't planned, but we're both happy about the prospect. On one hand BF is great. He's a sweet, genuine, kindhearted "good" man. He doesn't have a bad bone in his body, he loves me and our baby more than anything, and he tells me all the time. He's come to the baby classes I've asked him to attend, and really tried to take stuff in.(he even managed the baby show!)
However, he has bipolar disorder, and a year ago he attempted suicide. This condition has never been an issue for me in isolation. It's something we have to simply factor in to every day life, he is going to have black days, and he's going to find somethings hard. I've always accepted it, never punished him for it, and always tried to help him.
Thing is, because of the BP, he doesn't experience "guilt" or "empathy"
He's trying his best to be supportive through this pregnancy, we live on his (slightly ramshackle) narrowboat together, and as I am/was a student, live on his wage and my savings. We can manage currently, but we need to move, and therefore should be saving funds and looking for a new job for him etc (we have to relocate out of the city-too expensive)
Problem is, there are a few things I have asked of him since I got pregnant, I've had to give up my studies, alcohol, all my favourite foods, my mobility and independence etc, and have done it willingly, all I asked him to do is give up smoking, cut down on the beer, come home from work so I'm not stuck here alone from 7am to 9pm gone every day, and make an effort to find a new job/move things forward for when the baby is born.
He's knows he NEEDS to do these things, but he hasn't/can't. He still smokes (although only outside and if we're walking together he'll keep it away from me, and apologise if I cough) he still drinks too much. (I don't mind a couple of pints, it's ale and generally between 3.5 and 5% vol, but he generally has an average of 5 pints A NIGHT. Most nights IE: 6 out of 7. )
He CANNOT come straight home from work...he finishes at around 6, but never getshome before 8.45 (it is a 50 min commute..) but he HAS to go into the bar where he works for "one" (2-3 in reality) before he leaves, and then if there's time before his train (10 mins) he'll have another one at the station. I've BEGGED him to come straight home sometimes, even made him promise, and he still goes for "one" and turns up an hour late.
Thing is, he knows he's done/doing wrong...he won't txt me to say he's going to be late, I have to chase him up, and when he does get home, he hangs his head and says "sorry" and "I know I'm a rubbish person" but nothing CHANGES.
this is where I need the advice.
Nothing changes, because although he says sorry, he doesn't experience GUILT. Because of the Bp, he doesn't have that capacity, whatsmaking him "feel bad" is an internalized "I'm doing things that upset her, that makes me a bad person" so he just punishes himself rather than being moved to change.
I don't know how to deal with this, and when he gets upset I always comfort him instead of getting angrier, (partly because I know he doesn't mean to do things to upset me, and partly because I'm frightened he might lose it again and go jump in the canal)
OK, some things I can tolerate, I'm hoping he'll stop smoking finally when the baby is born, or at least I know I can police him being around the baby when he's been out for one... The drinking is a bit more frustrating. I don't think he's an alcoholic, I think it's just habit, and he's rarely off his face, and never gets angry or abusive (sometimes a little maudlin) it just COSTS so much.(as do the fags) the not coming home bothers me most because I need to know I can rely on him,and he's not helping that right now.
Also, the straw that broke the camels back today?
I asked him MONTHS ago to make sure he had booked my due date off work, because although first babies are generally late, I didn't want to spend the day fretting/waiting alone. He promised me he had, now with a week to go he isn't sure, and can't remember us talking about him taking the day off. So he has to work coz there's no cover for Saturdays.
I know it seems all trivial, but with housing and financial issues being v.bad right now (don't get me started) it's all a bit much and I'm wondering if I've walked into a situation with a guy who will love his baby but forever be a liability?! How do I get him to see he needs to "man up" and DO something rather than just keep apologising, without pushing him so far into his own self-hatred again at being a "bad father/boyfriend" he tries to kill himself again???