Do you think if someone was seeing a counsellor that they would be advised to do this?

[MummieHunnie]

My Mother claimed she was going to see someone from relate starting at the end of January, she had booked this at the end of last year. It was to have family therapy with me due to issues we were having, something happened over xmas and I decided that I could not continue the realtionship. I assume that she went to Relate on her own for therapy, obviously I don't know that she did. She has continually despite me stating that I don't want contact, turned up at my home without agreeing it with me, at a time that suits her, this has included special dates with gifts, she knocks on the door for 15 minutes, looks through the letter box/windows etc and calls through the door and the like.

Do you think that a counsellor would advise her to keep coming to my house when she is not wanted?

I cut contact with her a year and a half ago, got back in touch for a few months with new boundaries and she did loads of things that were not healthy, and she does not seem to get the message that I really don't want a relationship anymore.

I wonder if the fact I tried a relationship again gave mixed messages.

It is not easy to do this anyways, and her coming around makes me emotional.

I have no experience of anything like this but it sounds to me like she is acting solely in her own interests.

I think you need to think about what is best for you long term and if you are not sure maybe you could send her a message asking her to back off and give you time to think.

I can't imagine that any counsellor would encourage this as it could be construed as harrassment.

have you told her you don't want contact?

Dueling, YES! Verbally and in an email which I know she got and read.

Dueling, and I told her the reasons why I didn't want contact. I know it is harrassment.

would it be worth seeking counceling your self.

Obviously I dont know the circumstances but this is a big decission to make and Im guessing there are genuine reasons you do not want a relationship with your mother.

I would imagine that she did not take up counceling with relate as that would need both of you, but she may be reciving councelling else where.

Im not sure a councellor would initiate this but also they would possibly not advice here eitherv way. they will work with her over this issue dependant upon what type of councelling she is under taking.

I am having some help myself tomhardy, I mentioned the issue, she didn't say anything about it really, I didn't ask if it was something a counsellor would recomend at the time. I had nothing to do with the relate thing, it came from her after me asking her for about 3 years to have family therapy, I think she did it as she wanted to "work" me to pretend to be a loving, happy family to someone, to put on a show, or to set me up, either way she managed to set me up in the end.

A counsellor wouldn't advise this, no.

Im glad you are having some help your self.

I would work this through with who ever you are reciving help with. You need to know and find the best way to manage this for your self and presuamably your family.

It must be so difficult and further from my own comprehension to have to make the decision to have no contact with you mother. But you have every right to not be feeling harrased by her.

do you think she is putting you or your family at risk, if so and if she continues with this I would inform her you will contact the police or mental health services and if this makes any difference.

So she is not going or she is not telling them she is doing this!

No physical risk Tomhardy, emotional upset.

As you know, MH, my mother did this too - calling through the letter-box, eek!! Short answer - no, there's no way a counsellor would advise her to harass you. She might, however, have advised your mum to persist in trying to re-establish her relationship with you. That's what my mum thought she was doing

If you look at it from the counsellor's point of view: she'd be working from the assumption that your mother is, in fact, 'normal' and needs to discover for herself whether the relationship can be rebuilt or not? I doubt whether she knows just how intrusive that 'discovery' is.

Mine knocked it off after about 6 months of crazy behaviour. We actually have quite a good, much smaller, relationship now.

In your position, I wouldn't be above phoning or emailing the counsellor, just stating the real situation (what your mum's doing) and your reactions to it.

I would go down the line of threatening her with police or mh services.

however do you want to take up family therapy with her, even to make clear your stance, is this possible?

I don't want to go down the road of family therapy with her anymore tomhardy, I am so upset at what she did not just to me but to others with her behaviour over xmas.

I am so dreadfully sad, I have no family at all anymore, except for my children, and her coming around all the time is hard, as it is tempting you see.

She will probably try again in half term if she gets wiff the kids are off! and it puts me on edge wondering if she will show up!

Grace, that went through my mind, the thing of the counsellor if she is seeing one telling her to re-establish a relationship and Mother not understanding. Mother is seriously in denial, and pretends she has no idea what I am talking about when I tell her what the problem is.

I have no idea if she is going to the relate counsellor or not, I am willing to write a letter, I am not sure how you put it in a letter? Would you go into detail or a few lines?

it's fairly well known that relationship counselling doesn't work when there is abuse, so it might not work here. If you've cut your mother off, isn't that an indication that she's abusive?

I feel if you get intouch with the councelor it will be tempting to get drawn into a dialogue and so then maybe tempted to vsit the councelor which you clearly do not want to do. I would not engage with her or the situation what so ever what so ever, unless you are very clear and strong as to what you wish to gain from it.

have you talked with your own councelor about the present situation. or do you have a close friend who you trust thier judgemnt in which you can be totaly frank and honest and ask them for some clarity in the situation.

I think clarity is what you need, Its easy to play devils advocate on a thread like this, but my honest feeling is if you are unable to deal with this contact the police for advice etc.

I can only tell you what I'd do. It might be different for you?

I'd describe what she's doing - the things you mentioned, and any others. I'd say I find this intrusive, and would feel threatened by anybody doing this. I would use the word harassment! Then I think I'd summarise very quickly where I'm at: I'd say I am in therapy due to complex & distressing issues originating in a difficult childhood. I'd say I've explained it to my mother but (understandably) she can't or won't hear my need for privacy.

If your mum has actually said her counsellor has advised her to hound you, I'd say that too!

The sooner this counsellor finds out what she's really dealing with, the better for everyone ...

xx

tomhardy, I see what you mean but no professional counsellor would engage in dialogue of that kind. The very most s/he would do is ask mummiehunnie if she wants to engage further. It's more likely they'd send a bland acknowledgement.

Should the mother's counsellor go further than that, it's a whole new can of worms. I'm guessing the mother either isn't going at all, or is choosing to misinterpret her outcomes.

yes i suppose a councellor would be skilled enough to recognise this. I was looking at it as if the mother was not being fully honest with the councellor.

Tomhardy, yes I speak about my parents in therapy, along with other issues that came about from exh, I actually went also for food issues and have not even got onto them yet, sigh!

I had a look and you can't send emails, and i don't want to do the phone, I will send a letter, they may think it odd if she has not gone alone. She went years ago with my stepfather to relate, she did improve in their relationship after that when I think of it. She was an horrific harrassment person, I remember once when I was having friends over and she was in a state and wanted to have a go at me due to circs that were not to do with me, but I was present, to rant and rage and shout at me, ten times she rang me, my friends at the time were horrified, I thought it was normal for your mother to do that and felt like it was my shame to carry at the time. So getting back to relate when she went with my stepdad, she calmed down that sort of behaviour, which she used to do to him also from what I can gather, and she kind of calmed down in general after that therapy with him with the high drama stuff. So what she is doing is low key for her compared to say 5 years ago!

wow I feel for you, write to them and make your stance clear. is there anyother proffesionals involverd with your mum, maybe write to them also.

My Mother is in the medical profession, and does not think that there is anything wrong with her, don't you know! She has probably told all of my family the same things she has told me about myself these past few years, that I am hard, irrational, not myself and various other things to alude that there is something seriously wrong with me! My daughter overheard her discussing very negative things about me with person unknown dd things possibly Mothers friend, you see this is all a big drama for Mother to make her look like a poor victim! with her leaving out anything like the truth or her own bad behaviour! She of course called dd a liar and had a fight with dd, dd rang me in tears that was the last time they were at hers, Mother tried her old tactic of having a go at dd for being so rude as to listen in to her conversations, that once would have worked in confusing me and taking the heat off her, not anymore. Dd is a bit of a nosey parker and not a liar! I really can't do it anymore with her. I have given her a time table of contact with the kids, for a few hours in the shops where she can't do anythinhg negative, as she would be too embarised to in public, with the kids, to stop her taking me to court for contact. I took away her next contact session with the kids when she came around the first time, as a consequences, I have not worked out what to do about the second visit, it is all quite hard, I have spoken in therapy about this, she gave me no answer as to what to do, so I guess I have to come up with a solution as part of sorting ME out in general!!!

Actually, mh, you've done everything you could to manage the situation - and much more than many would. Look at your replies here, and in previous threads - people have advised you to call the police on your mum. If nothing else, that tells you HOW FAR out of order your mum is! You don't need to doubt your reactions; they're valid.

In the wider scheme of things, I'm delighted to hear DD clocked her gran's tricks and reported back to you :) It's progress, yes? I do appreciate how hard this is for you - while learning your own wisdom, which is hard, you have to be a source of wisdom for your kids. Exhausting! All I can say is, imagine how your DC's life would be if they hadn't got you learning this stuff for them :)

Sending you some hugs & Wise Thoughts

Thanks Grace, I was in this position with the exh, I let things go too far and dithered far too long before involving the police with him, and even then I was too soft on him. Now I would not hesitate in calling them on him. Yet here I am in a position yet again where people are telling me that I am entitled to call the police and I am dithering, thinking about how it would ruin things for Mother to have the police arrest her etc and feeling somehow responsible for the situation. It is like with the exh, I feel sorry for her and feel that I have provoked her somehow, yet realistically I emailed her and previous to that I phoned her, she knew I was furious about the kidnapping of the niece and interfeing in arrangements for the children/cousins to meet, in doing it on her timetable and involving stepfather as a witness in her set up to make me look bad for sending her away, and punishing me and my children in never meeting my niece and in keeping me and my children away from my family, and still I am feeling sorry for her, seriously I wonder if I will ever get this sorted out. I need to think a bit more on this.

In think your only option now is to contact the police. It seems ike other wise your are going around in circles with the whole situation.

I hope you manage to get some help.

Tomhardy, it is like being back in time really. When I got the police to stop exh from doing his stuff, he went all quiet and then after a good few months suddenly he took me to family court for contact after not wanting any, and leaving the kids stood up with coats waiting for him, and used the court system to abuse me and the children. I am scared she will do the same, she was my Mckenzie friend in a hearing and knows how it all works. I am worried that if I put in another consequence for turning up she will use that email along with the one already sent, and try and make out I am unreasonable to get contact with the kids and have them for long periods of time, to get to spend time with me or hurt me, bloody hell it really is like history repeating it's self.