DH texting woman but won't admit anything

[totallypissedoff]

aghhh I know this is same old same old but I really need some advice fast.

I used Dh's phone to send a text this morning whilst he was asleep, my phone being fixed. When I clicked send a list of recent contacts popped up. The most recent was a woman's name. Funnily enough the other morning I passed DH his phone as saw a text had arrived from same name..it was a forwarded joke about valentines day. When I asked who she was Dh said a friend of his sister who had his number from ages back and shrugged it off..

So I checked the message inbox and outbox, joke text deleted and text sent recently deleted. The next person in recently texted list was replied to at 8.45pm yesterday, so this communication with this woman obviously was after this. DH was out yesterday evening.

I immediately confronted DH, I know I should probably evidence gather but I'm a hot tempered furious type when riled.. He denied all knowledge of anything. I explained slowly and clearly the evidence and suggested he should be honest and open if he wanted me to trust him ever again.

He was clearly struggling to think up an excuse so lamely insisted he had no recollection but must have text by accident. Then he tried to insist one of DC was probably playing with his phone. So I told him 'calmly' he was lying as this contact occured after 8.45pm, he was out of house, dc asleep and he deleted the text. But he just said I'm being ridiculous and won't talk about it again.

I have cross checked an 'old school friend' I was suspicious of on his facebook and surprise surprise the names are very similar. (Suzie/Susan kind of similar)He is clearly lying. I'm actually devestated on this point as obviously this is not the DH I thought I knew.

If you've read this far thankyou for staying with me, I really want to know how to convince him to talk. This woman is not in UK so I assume there is some sort of flirtation at an early stage here.

Any advice for tackling the wall of denial appreciated

No useful advice I'm afraid but didn't want to leave you hanging. Def not a good sign that even when given an opportunity to come clean when presented with irrefutable evidence, he persisted on lying.

Pretty dumb of him to make the mistake of thinking you're the stupid one in this story.

can you get access to his phone bill? that would tell a story...

Did you make a note of the number? Could you call OW?

He has a pay as you go at the moment so no bill to check.

I'm also horrified as 3 years ago a few months after birth of first dc an ex employee told me DH had cheated on me. I had no evidence DH denied it. He totally refused to talk about it. It came at a stressful time as our business had collapsed, we had new baby and were not getting on well at all. I was beyond distressed but with DH's refusal to admit anything it just drove me mad until after some months I decided I just had to let it go. I'm still sickened at the memory of it all. I really think I should have left him then. It's always eaten me up that I have 'forgiven' him but he doesn't even fucking acknowledge it.

We went on to marry and have a 2nd DC..

Now I feel I'm right back to those horrible days. I really do not know what to do. I'm a very straight forward person. No idea how to game play.

sorry to hear his op

could fb message her?

How did the ex employee know about your husband's infidelity? Who was he supposed to be unfaithful with?

Don't think you need to game play. If you don't trust him there's not much of a relationship here. The lack of trust and his lack of willingness to reassure you despite having been caught in questionable circumstances TWICE are dealbreakers enough imo.

Unless you're the sort of person who has to have concrete proof in order to reach breaking point. For me the suspicion and disrespect of my feelings would be enough for me to not stick around.

What a nightmare for you. I wish I could come up with some top plan that would give you the "proof" you'll need, one way or the other, to move forward.

It's quite possible that it was all very innocent and friendly texting, and he's lying so you don't go mad because he realises you have issues following the cheating allegation. But the bottom line is that you don't trust him, and he's not helping you to trust him by being honest.

How are things otherwise in your marriage? All well? Is the trust thing the only problem (and yes, I know it's a big one)?

I didn't write it down but if it's not still there on his phone that will be even more suspicious. I'm convinced it's this person I once caught him chatting to on facebook.

Should I email/ text her and ask her what the fuck she's doing? I'm quite embarrassed to to be honest.

I told DH that if he had secret friends and was a liar there was no future for us. He just laughed and said how ridiculous and paranoid I was being.

How could I ever explain to my DC that I ended our marriage over some unexplained texting? But I can't ignore this.

it sounds like you will have to bide your time and look out for more 'proof' to put your mind at rest one way or another. a trick I learnt was to wake up in the middle of the night and check the phone. sad but true.

I bet he said last time that the ex-employee was telling you this because s/he had an axe to grind, didn't he?

The reality is that since then, you've known instinctively that he was lying and consequently the trust disappeared. That he is now laughing, calling you "ridiculous" and refusing to talk about it, speaks volumes.

The alternative approach for someone with nothing to hide this time, who understood that the former allegation left you bruised and doubtful, would have been to take you in his arms and say he understood why things like this cause you to feel mistrustful.

But he can't do that, because he knows he cheated on you before and got away with it and believes that if he stonewalls you enough again, you will eventually let it drop and he'll just have to become more careful.

This is contempt.

I've often said that once it gets to this point, finding proof is more or less redundant. Why do you think you need proof, to give yourself permission to walk away?

If I was you, Id give him enough rope to hang himself. Stop checking the phone, don't go near it, never ask about anything. When he's out check and monitor his computer.

Eventually he will become careless. It won't take long and you'll have your "evidence"

If the legend that is AnyFucker was here I've a feeling that she'd say your relationship is over because of the level of distrust.

whenwillifeelnormal yes exactly that is what he said. I knew in my gut it was true. I had been suspicious of this person but not DH. I did actually search for her on facebook and ask her to tell me the truth but she never replied. I cringe when I think I lowered myself to contact her.

DH just returned home, all false cheerfulness. Afraid I told him he can fuck right off if he thinks this is forgotten. So 'stonewalling' commenced. I'm being childish, paranoid, how dare I not trust him...why am I doing this, what kind of life is this living with a wife who snoops and accuses him of all sorts.

I reminded him he's been caught out lying, no snooping on my part. If had a reasonable excuse for texting this woman and deleting it he could have given it but he refuses to budge. It's horrible to see him dig this hole. I can understand the refusal to talk as he knows he will trip him self up more. He's lying but won't admit it.

I asked him if this woman was the same 'old school friend' on facebook and he laughed it off. How ridiculous, she's married to his old school friend. He'll introduce us next time we're there. He offered to call the number texted to prove this was his sister's friend and nothing untoward. But they speak a language I'm not fluent in and I don't want to be drawn into another humiliation. He did this with the ex-employee accusation. Tried to convince me I'd misunderstood or created whole story myself.

This is so shit I just wish it wasn't happening

Alouiseg I think this is the evidence, as far as I'm concerned. Evidence of lying. He's tried to cover it up but was obviously amazed that his phone would offer up such evidence.

It's true about the distrust. I'm really stunned. Totally sleep deprived so hard to think straight anyway. I've kept his phone by my pillow all week, to check times dd wakes and for the alarm. I noticed he didn't like it but wasn't suspicious.

have you posted about your husband before ?

I agree with Alouise

your relationship is over I think

I haven't met your husband but I just know he is a liar, and will continue being a liar as long as you keep rolling over and accepting it

it isn't so much the evidence of his dodginess you have uncovered, but more his subsequent reaction and utterly contemptuous disregard for your feelings

this isn't a man with nothing to hide

never mind that you went on to marry such a dodgy character, you do not need to stay with him now

you can walk away, any time you like

your forgiveness is your own, you can withdraw it any time you like

if you no longer trust him, and he isn't proving himself to be a person worthy of your trust, you should end it

and don't listen to any emotional soft-soap about "breaking up a family"

his version of "family" is very different to yours and there is the rub

" He did this with the ex-employee accusation. Tried to convince me I'd misunderstood or created whole story myself."

That's classic gaslighting.

I'm really sorry, but don't you think you and your children deserve better than this man? Apart from anything else, these are just the 2 incidents you know about. It sounds doubtful that they are the only ones that exist, given his attitude. It's like he thinks he has the right to cheat, and the right to think you a pain in the backside if you query it. That isn't a loving attitude. It's a contemptuous one.

Why does he have a PAYG phone, too? I appreciate cash-flow makes that the best option for some people... but cheaters often use them because (you got it) there are no bills.

tpo I'm so sorry. Nothing to add, his attitude more than what he might or might not have done seems awful enough, IMO. Just didn't want to read and not reply as you sound so shaken and hurt. I know you and your DC will come through this, I hope it doesn't take too long x

:( tpo. You've had one of WWIFN's most excellent replies so I won't try to add anything to that. I will tell you, though, how long I agonised over X#2's "turning around" arguments. I knew they were friends, yes - so why did I feel so confused & furious about their level of contact? Etc. It always came back to my fault, somehow. I thought I was bonkers.

What somebody should have told me - and what mumsnet's so brilliant for - is that a partner who cared about me would be upset that anything he'd done could distress me so much. See what I mean? Why are you questioning yourself, instead of wondering whether it's worth investing your life in a man who calls "being upset" a fault? It's all about him, huh?

I know it's tough. Really, I do! But you are worth more. I don't mean like some shampoo commercial, I mean everybody who makes an emotional commitment deserves respect and honesty.

Not knowing where you're at with all this by the time you read this, I have some reliable advice for you. Confide in someone you trust, who knows you well and likes you - best friend, mum, gran, aunty? Tell them everything. You'll feel some of the pain lift off your shoulders. Then organise some things that reflect you and only you, for yourself. Mine are travel and dance classes; yours might be art class, a gym class, a new study course, getting your face & nails done, book club, swimming, anything! Don't ask, just organise it and begin. Start doing things for the you you are inside :)

Good luck, and post back.

What somebody should have told me - and what mumsnet's so brilliant for - is that a partner who cared about me would be upset that anything he'd done could distress me so much.

Absolutely.

Think how horrified you'd be if there'd been a 'false' accusation about you. Even if there hadn't, and DH found a text from a man and asked you about it, would you stonewall him, tell him he was ridiculous? Only cheaters do that. Sorry.

Obv. it's up to you what you do, but don't let this man tell you that you've got it wrong. You are married to a liar and a cheat, whose own self-image is more important than your mental health. Take care of yourself and keep posting here if you need reassurance that you're not 'mad' 'paranoid' 'controlling.'

YOu don't need to explain to DCs that you ended the marriage because of texting - it would be because you can't trust your partner and he isnt being loving or respectful towards you. You don't need conclusive proof - I'm sure in your heart you know his behaviour to you isn't right and doesn't make you happy. THat's enough - it really is, you are, as the ladies above say, entitled to be with someone who treats you kindly.

Life is too short to be in unhappy relationships. I'm sorry you are going through this but take the chance to stand back and look at the bigger picture of your relationship.

Well - I have been in exactly the same position as you except I did get the phone statements and it told me a vast story. He had been texting pics, texting and calling whenever I was not home or upstairs etc. Things got very bad. My husband did exactly the same thing - telling me there was nothing in it, just banter and that it was secret because he knew that I would be jealous, made me feel like I was wrong, intrusive and suffering from paranoia and controlling him blah blah.
I do not believe my husband had a physical affair but I know he was going over the line. I think it sounds like your husband is doing a similar thing. Now you have noticed it may be enough to make him stop and re evaluate what he wants. I don't think my husband wanted to cheat on me - I think he was getting carried away with the idea of a single woman taking an interest in him. She still tries to pursue him, joke texts, asking to borrow dvds, asking out for drinks etc. all under the guise of being a work colleague. He mostly ignores her invitations now.

I think you have to make the decision to move on and hope that nothing happens again or to confront him again (with more evidence) or of course tell him the trust is gone and you separate. I chose the first option. But he has tarred himself because I do not trust him implicitly because he has not told me the truth - this eats at me. If you have the chance to move on - do it. Hope you are ok.

He mostly ignores her invitations now.

why doesn't he ignore them totally ?

Well said Pete. Nail on the head!

Justcarrots, come on, you know he can do better than 'mostly' ignoring her requests.

What galls me most is the feeling we get of feeling really bloody idiotic for even challenging them.

Gas lighting really makes us question ourselves and is the most insidious of manipulative weapons, as it end up as a remote control device aimed at destroying us, and they don't have to do a thing after a while, we do it to ourselves.

thanks for replies, he's hovering around so I can't really post. ageingrace your post made me cry it's so true.

I had a good 7hrs sleep last night, 1st in 18 months! I really need to think things through. This is my 2nd marriage. I left my 1st (1 dc from prev) as he was a control freak basically and have grim determination that I don't want to be a 2nd time divorcee and single parent.

Seriously a million times I have composed in my head a thread asking for advice about how to make a dire marriage better but never do as I know that AF and all the wise mnetters will tell me to kick him to the kerb.

hmmm thanks for taking time people will catch up later

going to google gaslighting