I feel like my head is going to explode, told dh i don't love him, pressure to stay with him

[cornishgirl1]

i've posted before once on same problem.

my dh has caused me so much heartache and emotional abuse over last 5 years. got 3 young dc's. quick update. no previous help with dc's, name calling by him to me, useless, idiot etc. very controlling, possible text affair.

now when i want to go, he is trying to 'be a better, different person', now HE 'wants to go to counselling to sort us out' now he understand he has made mistakes and wants to change and be a beter husband and father'

but now, I feel angry, I want to leave him but feel quilty when he wants to me to stay for the marriage and the children. We sleep in seperate beds( my choice) i don't want to kiss/ cuddle him ( he does) I keep pushing him away.

I feel so angry for all the things he has done and said in the pass and I cannot forget or forgive, to me its 5 wasted miserable years.

Today i told him i don't love him, ( i think thats true) I know I care for him as we are married and have a history. but i am not attracted to him anymore, psycially or emotionally.

I don't know what to do, torn between going, to get away from the stress. or staying because he is trying to change ( can a person change???) everything he does seems to annoy me know, even his voice.

I don't see how relate can help make me love him again like I did?

anybody got any ideas, should I give it him a try because he says he is trying to be a different person.

But then again I am a different person now after all all this. not my self, stressed, anxious, tense, not the carefree happy person i used to be.

help please.
(ps sorry its long)

I think its anger because he didn't notice or care all the time he was abusing you. You are probably releasing some of the anger you pent up in the past.

It's your decision what you do, however, I would be scared to trust someone again if they had done that to me, because in the background is always that doubt that they won't revert back, and that means walking on eggshells.

How about moving out, and telling him if he makes an effort to change you could consider getting back together in the future, but that until he does change you can't be with him?

Looking at this from the outside, the verbal abuse, text affair, controlling behaviour, I'd say you should leave him.

Easier said than done, I know. But that is my honest view as an outsider.

I suspect that if you went to relate, he would twist things so that you were in the wrong.
Is HE ever in the wrong in HIS mind, do you think? I suspect he is the type that is in the 'right' all the time. Relate could not help a person like this-only a personality transplant can.

I agree with beingsetup - move out and let him prove to you that he has changed before you move back. Make him woo you again, go on dates with him, but no more. And don't always be available when he wants to see you. Make him work to win you back.

Also, moving out would give you the time and space to get it clear in your own head what you really want.

Don't be persuaded to stay together for the sake of the children - it is much better for children to live in a happy, secure, stable environment with a happy, unstressed mummy, and see daddy from time to time, than it is for them to live with both parents, anger, resentment, stress etc.

Thanks for your quick replies.
being setup- i have considered moving out but it would be back to my family 4 hours away,would mean changing schools as well. to complicate things. I know i could cope on my own and will have support from family,

but my point is him saying he is trying to change. not sure if he will. wish i was stronger to go.

wamster- right on, its wasier said than done i have been considering leaving for 2 years! still here. its the guilt, he says things like ' i am the one who wants to break up a family' he says he won't be fair on the dc's, and he won't be able to see much of them'

wamster- i don't know if he is ever wrong in his mind, he is getting better ' with this trying to change thing'

Hmm. I'd be tempted to press on with the counselling. At the every least, it will give you a safe space to vent all your very understandable anger and cure him of his belief that you are the one checking out of the marriage, and that its breakup is all your fault.

I think he needs a large dose of reality so he can be shown the rewards of his past actions. Yes, he can change - but he also needs to make amends, and that involves talking about and dealing with his past treatment of you. Once that's all done, you can then see how you really feel and make your decisions based on this.

abedelia- thanks good advice, i've asked him why he has behaved like he has in the past and he says ' he dosen't know', i not sure if i will get any more answers by going to relate. I guess if i do go to counselling he won't hold it against me for trying a ' last attempt ' to save marriage.

i don't fancy him anymore hows that going to change! and i don't fancy his personality or ideas any more. I don't see how this is going to change with relate. He has so fixed and old fashioned ideas about everything, raising children, discipline etc

It would be easier to go if i was to stay closer to our home now, but I won't get the support from family

Relate won't counsel anyone who is in an abusive relationship. You could go on your own though which may help you to make a decision.

"he says things like ' i am the one who wants to break up a family' he says he won't be fair on the dc's, and he won't be able to see much of them'"

This is emotional blackmail. You won't be the one responsible for breaking up your family, he is by his behaviour.

My goodness everything you say CG could be said by me! I am in exactly the same situation. I think and feel the same things as you and my H says the same to me as yours does to you.......I really have no advice to give you, I am sorry! I do not know what to do either. I know deep down that too much damage has been done, over too many years, H is trying to change but I cannot seem to embrace the changes. Maybe I will never feel about him the way I once did. Trouble is he is losing patience with me in the bedroom department. He woke me up for sex at 4 am this morning and turned nasty when I refused! Have not had sex for ages as I just don't feel emotionally connected to him. I have said that I need more time and more cuddles, kisses and affection and he says I can't have that without sex! Trouble is I can't just have sex anymore. I want love, respect and friendship first! So sorry that you are going through the same thing. I feel your pain x

thanks

chaotic- does it count if i not in an 'abusive' relationship now, as he is on his best behaviour !!! men seem to be so good and turning things around to suit them.
not sure if I I in an abusive relationship now, as the ball is now in my court,so to speak.

worthless(not)- thanks for your post, i have read your posts too, and I identify with them. poor you too.
I can't forget all the things he has done and said, he is so keen for kiss and cuddles etc but I push him away, all i see in my head is all the hurt and pain he has caused me and images of ' a naked girl in a text that he received'. How do I forget/forgive that. I don't fancy him at all, how can I after all that. As for him changing I am relucant to let myself get close to him because a) he doesn't deserve it b) I don't want to let him get close only to be let down again 3) i have horrible repulsive thoughts of him oggling over other women and it feels pervy. Ahhhhh!!! what to do. Like you I don't know what to do.

What made you decided to stay with him? what are you going to do?

Just because he's currently on his 'best behaviour' so to speak doesn't mean it isn't still an abusive relationship. Abusers are often capable of being nice to their partners as part of the cycle of abuse. It's in his best interests at the moment to be nice to you in order to get you to stay in the relationship.

What is he doing to take responsibility for his behaviour. You mention he wants to go for counselling but has he sought out counselling for himself and his behaviour?

Tbh I'm no expert at this, hopefully someone else with more experience will be along to help and advise.

Hi again CG......I haven't actually chosen to stay it is H that has not left. He was supposed to be moving into a rented house in January for 6 months to give me/us the headspace that I believed we needed. However right at the last minute he changed his mind saying that if he went that would be the end of our marriage and that he wasn't prepared to loose his home and his kids!!!!

No mention of me in that and although he is trying to change it isn't enough! He tells me that he is not here for me but for the kids yet he continues to try and have sex with me. The atmosphere is more bearable I will admit that with him not been so passively aggressive and kids seem more settled but I am so unhappy. Sorry don't want this to be about me - just wanted you to know that it is not me actively choosing to stay but him choosing not to go....oh how I fantasize of him leaving one minute and then cry the next wondering how we could have got to this point after all these years!

Just wish my head would clear of all those horrible words and actions but they won't go away. How could you say and do all those awful things to the person you are supposed to love most in the world. I have loved my H since I was little more than a child and feel so so alone and sad. Just wish I could offer some words of advice CG as you sound so lovely. Be strong ok :-) x

If he was prepared to move out once then maybe he will again. If you make it clear he either moves out and you stay in the house, or you move back to your family. These are his choices. There are no others.

When he says you want to break up the family, why not tell him yes, because it is a shit family at the moment and both you and dcs deserve better.

Put the ball in his court, with a time limit on his decision to move out. He must decide which of the two options he wants, that there are no others.

You can't fix it all at one go, and maybe its unfixable but the first step is to make him responsible for the next step. If he hasn't or wont make that decision say within two weeks, you will carry out the option of moving.

Otherwise he will keep onmessing with your head. You take control and do what you need to do to be happy and make a safe and happy home for your kids.

Remember, it doesn't have to be a tragedy unless you make it one.

If you don't want to be in a relationship, you don't have to be. I had that shit from XH about "Mom wants to break up the family" (getting all the DCs on side too), "you made a promise in church" and all that guilt tripping stuff. However, far too late after a lot of agonising, I realised that a family is not a sacred entity that must be preserved at all costs, but the sum of the people in it. And if at least one of those people is feckin' miserable, there is something seriously wrong with it. It's like a society based on slave labour; it works, as long as the rights and happiness of some members are totally disregarded. This is not the kind of family we should be encouraging, nor the kind that we want our children to witness and accept as normal.

I am divorced and the DCs understand why now.

thanks for your replies x

went to my mums with kids for a break and head space-great.

worthless-must be hard for you with dh moved back in refusing to go. i am so sorry you are so happy it must be so hard for you. hope it is not too awful for you. hugs.

madame-thanks for advice

annie- wise words ' the sum of the people in in' that is so true and simply right. thanks x

being away is great from all the drama, will see how it goes when I get back and see how I feel then. If indeed this abuse does go in cycles and he is in 'remission'at the moment, perhaps the true test is so see whether his old habits return, if they do I will be better equipped and clued up to make the decision to leave, knowing that he is unchageable.

I felt like I was the only one till coming across this page. I'm in a similar situation do I stay or do I go. My partner is not abusive in any way. We have been together for ten years and have 1 child. Up until a month ago he was lazy, no job, no housework whilst I worked two jobs. From the start of our relationship it was always empty promises. How he would help and finding many excuses why he couldn't. We had a child together and his promises of looking after us and being a fatherly figure went down the drain. He just couldn't be bothered. It wasn't until 3 months ago when his 30th was approaching that he suddenly looked at his life and where it was going. Problem is I feel and felt like it was too little too late. I have missed out on my twenties because I was looking for him to change I am angry resent him have no sexual desire for him. So why is it such a difficult decision.
I get accused of breaking up the family, ruining my little girls life and how selfish I am for not wanting to give him another chance. Relate advised we give it six weeks. I'm not happy about it but have decided to try. Am I being unadultlike for for not being able to forgive. I do believe he has changed but in the back of my mind it is for how long and does he deserve to be forgiven. He hated my going out. I'm hoping that by writing this and reading back I will know. I care for him and we get along well when i'm not pressured into moving back. My advice to anyone who is just starting out in relationships is that if you are unsure know get out while you are not financially or in my case have children involved. You save yourself heartache in the long run.

If a man is 'trying to change' he's not actually doing so. If he's still pestering for sex, he's still abusive (waking you up at 4am trying to have sex with you is abuse).
Worthless, call Women's Aid and get this man removed from the house before the sexual abuse gets even worse. You don't want him therefore he has to go. 'Refusing to accept a relationship is over' is an abuser characteristic: it's just another way of him treating you as unimportant.
CG: all your H is doing is promising stuff in order to get you to shut up and carry on servicing him. He, again, doesn't think of you as a person to be respected, you're a 'woman' to him which means you exist in relation to him and for his convenience.

chaquita, you say your partner is not abusive in any way. I beg to differ. Abuse is not just a slap round the chops.

He has controlled and manipulated you. Now you are at the end of your tether, and he senses it, the charm offensive begins. The promises he makes are empty. He can probably just about manage to keep them for 6 weeks, but once he has you hooked back in, he will revert to the selfish and self-enitled man that he is.

He is 30 ? Physically, yes. Emotionally ? No.

You say your love has died. I am not surprised. You have wasted your 20's giving a man who will never change too many chances.

Don't waste any more time

You would be better on your own for a while, han staying in a stale relationship for the sake of duty. That is madness.

even guving him the benefit of the doubt, that he's trying hard to change, though tbh I',m with SGB on 'trying', you are NOT a prize to be awarded for effort.
This is your life. Life is too short. Good luck.

Not wanting to hijack your thread at all CG - but quick update on my weekend.
H got really cross (again) about lack of intamacy. I told him (again) that in order for me to want to have sex with him again he needs to concentrate on making me feel special. I again said that I want a period of full on physical and emotional togetherness (minus sex) for a set period - maybe 2 weeks or so. With two weeks of love and fun and cuddles and affection and kind words then maybe I will be in a better place and want to have sex....
He told me to f**k off and that I am a crap wife and how can I possibly expect him to be all lovey dovey when I do not give myself to him!! He says if I give myself to him then I will get all the cuddles and affection I want!!!! Until then nothing changes :-(
I am not giving him any signs that I am changing...I am distant.....I do not cuddle him or kiss him....it is all my fault....I need to do the changing not him!!!!
We have not had proper sex in many many months I know that I am failing him and my marriage but I just cant seem to move forward...I just want to be loved in an unconditional way with no alterior motive - just to be loved for who I am. I would imagine that is how you feel to CG?????
Again so sorry for the hijack - maybe I should just go away from MN as I think everyone must be sick of me!!!

You're not failing him: you suggested a way of developing intimacy that he rejected wholesale and venomously.

Sex is supposed to be something you both want and enjoy, not something you have taken from you or that you owe him.

No wonder you don't want to have sex with him. He's got a false sense of entitlement.

Worthless, you are not failing him or your marriage. He has done that. Listen to yourself; he is telling you that you will only get affection if you agree to screw him? Can you hear how that sounds?

He's not even trying to pretend to be a good husband, or that he loves you. He has explicitly told you: you are for sex. If you don't provide him with sex, you are a crap wife who should fuck off and why should he bother pretending affection towards you?

How much clearer can he be? He is telling you in actual words that he sees you as only worthwhile if he can fuck you, and he has no emotion towards you apart from that.

You are not failing!
It was his actions/behaviour which led to this point, you are just removing yourself emotionally from the continual hurt.
My ex did exactly the same. It never got better, he never got to have sex with me again. end of

Worthless, you have to tell this man his sorry arse is dumped and if need be take steps to have him removed from the house. A man who is obsessed with his own entitlement to sex is a man who sooner or later will decide that he's just going to have sex on you whether you like it or not. Your revulsion towards him is entirely reasonable and understandable and there is no point in wasting any more time and effort coming up with strategies to make him behave better, because he won't.

I hear you (promise) but please dont shoot me down in flames for this - husbands and wives do have regualr sex and should have regular sex to keep the relationship togther don't they??????
I do not want sex so it must be me in the wrong?????
Yes he has caused me so much pain over the least 18 months or so and this has made me withdraw but he says that if we don't have sex then we do not have a marriage......
Maybe I should just make myself do it and see what happens?
Have tried to do this but I just freeze and cant do it......I just do not know how to get out of this cycle......I have to just do it but something holds me back.