Need some help dealing with 'helpful' SIL

[TittyBojangles]

Ok, so I know LOADS of women on here have it worse with their IL's, but I thought I would ask for some advice on dealing with my SIL.

I have a 15 week old DS and BIL, SIL and DN (x2) are coming to visit to see DS for the first time - they live a few hours drive away.

Anyway, I am really worried about how to cope with SIL in particular. She does mean well I am sure, but so far I have had comments including:

'why not give him a bottle at night to help him sleep through'- I am ebf, and when I said this she said 'I dont know why you are so against ff, it is just as good as bm', I hadn't said anything negative about ff and wouldn't ever attack her choice to ff her DDs, but she feels like she can comment on my choice to bf.

'Why not try weaning him' - he was 10 weeks!.

'One late night won't hurt him, he's only 3 months old' - in response to me saying we couldn't go out in the evening as DS goes to sleep at 7pm and would just be screaming with overtiredness if he didn't.

I really think she thinks she is trying to help, but doesn't realise that her comments make me feel like she is criticising my parenting choices and I have to keep justifying them.

So, when they come to visit how do I fend off any similar 'helpful comments' from her? I am normally a confident, articulate person, but this subject makes me turn into a pathetic wobbly jelly. I need a bit of backbone to respond so she knows she is being hurtful not helpful but without causing too many ruptions.

Sorry for the essay, any good one liners or helpful advice appreciated.

Oh, and DH will be at work so can't use him as a human sheild :(

Sounds like you are actually intending to feel intimidated and criticised by her.

She can only make you feel criticised and intimidated if you let her.

So I think the best advice I can give is to have confidence in yourself, don't assume you will be on the back foot defending yourself all the time. One liners aren't really going to address the set-up, but will turn it into a point scoring exercise. Just smile and nod and get her to make more coffee.

Just about everyone gets well-meaning advice at this stage, yet what works for one baby doesn't work for another. SO just try to be adult and sociable and meet her on adult terms, not as someone cowering and dreading the next remark.

Head up! See yourself as the strong one here.

I'd just respond calmly (and a bit passive aggressively) to stuff like this.

"I respect anyone's choice to feed their baby as they wish. WHO advice is to bf, I'm happy to follow the experts"

"The expert advice is to wean nearer 6 months, I'm happy to follow THE EXPERTS."

"Goodness, I'd hate to be forced to stay awake for 3 hours longer than I wanted to if I was dying for a sleep, ha ha, wouldn't you?"

Katisha, you are right, I am expecting to be criticised and feel intimidated. I want to not be bothered by her comments, but I don't know how. I know what you mean about being adult though, I do feel like I revert to being a child in these situations. Though I am totally confident in my parenting choices. I wish she didn't get to me. I guess the issue really isn't how to respond to her but how to make myself uneffected by criticism - but thats a bit deep for here I guess.

RH thanks for your suggestions. Though when I told her the current advice was to wean at 6 months she said I don't need to do everything by the book.

Haven't had our baby yet but am dreading this kind of stuff - it's the sort of thing that when written down looks completely harmless, but I know what you mean about it knocking your confidence and making you feel criticised.

So can't really offer any practical support other than to grin and bear it for the time she's there and thank your lucky stars that they're that far away!

I think if you say anything that suggests you don't want her advice or comments, it will just come out sounding petty and defensive because as you say, she genuinely thinks she's offering helpful suggestions.

Might also be worth trying not to mention anything negative so that she doesn't try to 'solve' it - e.g. if you say that you're having a problem with night feeds then she may feel that it's an opening for her to offer a suggestion?

Is part of the problem how she would react if you countered her advice? Is she the type to kick off if you dare disagree with her? Do you walk on eggshells around her and what you say to her? Just trying to work out what it is about her that's intimidating.

She is probably the least intimidating woman in the world to be honest RH, it's just that on this subject I guess I am more intimidatable (??) than I thought. I need to grow up and be able to shake off these comments - but how? Jeez, I am so pathetic.

CE You are right that I will sound petty and defensive if I'm not careful. And I am already concious not to moan about anything.

I just wish she could see how she is making me feel (I'm sure she'd be mortified), I'd never criticise someone elses choices or offer unsolicited advice. I think part of the problem is she just doesnt pick up on the vibes and keeps on and on about things.

This stuff does undermine you - even if it's meant well. As a new mum, you do feel the need to justify your choices, and people questionning them really don't help. People also forget amazingly quickly what little tiny babies are like - I couldn't tell you now how mine slept at 2 months vs 4 months vs 6 months for example.

And tbh, some of the negative stuff about bf sounds more like justifying her choices, itkwim.

I'd probably just defect, defect, deflect. "Really, interesting, I'll have to think about that" - and then move conversation on. "It's amazing how different babies are" is a useful one too, when family/friends are wittering on about how little Jonny slept through from 1 day old, or whatever else.

Does she focus on feeding (sounds like it) - if so, I'd be tempted to make things clear on that one, and not open to debate "We all make our own choices about feeding, and that's what dh & I have decided".

And, as Katisha says, try and project confidence - smile and stand tall, you're doing a great job

I know how you feel, Titty. She's done it before so you fully expect her to do it again. It's hard when perhaps you're not really so sure of yourself at this early stage.

At least you know what to expect. I'm afraid you are going to have to assert yourself with this one if she persists e. You don't have to be rude but no nonsense and firm.

You could just respond with, "I don't think we'll be doing that but thanks for the advice."

Become a bit robotic in your response and she'll soon leave you alone.

If she does question you on your choices, then explain that you're doing things your way, perhaps still finding your way but you are very happy, ds is very happy and you know that she's only trying to be supportive but that your choices are different to hers.

Don't be soft and let her think she can persuade you to do thing you don't want. What you want and how you want to parent is very very important.

Your baby, your choice. I don't understand why you're intimidated by her if, as you say, she is not an intimidating woman and you are confident in your parenting choices.

If you want her to stop then tell her to stop. If you don't want confrontation then just ignore her.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you're parenting your child - just remember that every time she proposes a different opinion than the one you've got.

Thanks DDW, I think I must be hormonal if one nice comment from a stranger on the tinterweb can make me blub like a baby!

I have tried the 'lets agree to disagree' line a few times, but she just has to keep going! I will need to man up a bit I think and just change the subject! But I'll still feel rubbish when they've gone. Though that's my problem rather than hers I suppose.

WW and Plumm, thanks, you are both right. I am going to really try to just ignore the comments. I overanalyse things a bit which just make me worry more... can you tell?

I often wonder that if you turned the tables and starting to give her unwanted advice, how would she take it. Say if she starts telling you you should give your child formula, turn it around and tell her she should be giving hers more fruit (or whatever). I would love to have the guts to do it (but probably wouldn't)

You say she'd be mortified if she realised she upsets you, so could you try saying, as if amused, "you really don't know how bossy you sound, do you?" and smile. That's harsh enough that she can't miss the meaning, no matter how oblivious she is, but not actually aggressive. It puts her on the back foot and with any luck will mean she backs off a little.

The thing is people don't often tell us as mums that we're doing well - I think that's where some of our insecurities come from. My lovely dad gave me a wonderful boost when ds was a few weeks old & not going to sleep - and I was waltzing up and down the hall with him - he just shook his head and said "I'd never have thought to do that, (I'm one of 4, & he lecturers in child psychology) - it's amazing how mothers have this instinct to do the right thing for their own child." (You can imagine the sob fest that followed that!)

You know the broken record technique? Just keep saying the same thing (I tend to do it with subtly different words, to lessen the rudeness!) - people DO get the message: so from "Interesting, I'll think about that" to "Me and dh will have to talk about that" to 'That's interesting" to "Hummmm, interesting) Might be helpful...

TBH if she's just one of these witterers who can't stop telling everyone about the latest thing she's read or whatever (rather than a bully or a bossyboots) just smile sweetly, say 'We'll bear it in mind' and ignore.
THe thing is every new mum feels a bit like this - Am I doing it right? Am I going to make a terrible mistake and end up with a fat baby, or a proletarian one or something? Every bit of advice can seem like an attack.
Breathe deeply, you're doing fine.

Smile and nod, smile and nod, smile and nod some more. The whole bloody world thinks they know better when it comes to rearing your children. Just agree and then carry on as normal.

I've learned my mother's technique for unwanted and intrusive advice. Listen to what they have to say, tilt your chin slightly and then say 'mmmmmm' before returning to your book / TV programme / baby or leaving the room.

It's infuriatingly passive-aggressive yet effective!

People can be like your SIL when they are either trying to be overly helpful about what worked for them, or when they are trying to bolster their security in their own choices by insisting that their way is the only way. You just need to carry on doing what works for you as a family- she doesn't know your baby at all. I agree with the responses above, you don't need to justify your choices to her, nor accept that she is right about how her choices should apply to your baby.

I would just respond with "thanks for the suggestion, BF works for us " , or " lovely idea, but dc really needs to be in bed for 7 as we don't want him to be necessarily overtired and upset ".

OK, I understand now. She actually sounds a bit like my good friend, who is always advising me what to do, even if it's the exact opposite of what she did. It's grating.

Self confidence is the key, you just need to let it wash over you and get on with what you're doing. It's hard when you're a new mum because everything is new and you are having to go by instinct half the time. Maybe you should try that track, tell her that you are following your instincts and doing what feels right for you and your DC. "I'm sure you will agree, SIL, a mother's instincts for what's right for her own child are sooo important, I'm sure you followed yours all the time?"

Poor you, my DS is 18 weeks and I know exactly what you mean (more from my DM than anyone else as I am blessed with a lovely MIL).

May I suggest an alternative tactic?

Rather than saying 'thanks but no thanks' to the advice, try saying 'Oooo, how fascinating. What makes you suggest XXXX? Did you do that? Did you read a book on it? Which one? Did your HV suggest it? Gosh you must have done lots of research of your own to feel confident going against expert advice'
Bombard her with really detailed questions as if you really are interested.

In my (limited) experience this has three useful results

1. She gets to feel smug and useful
2. You never have to worry about what to talk about / find topics for conversation!
3. Under intense scrutiny she may well get less opinionated, especially once you start saying, 'wow we'll give that a try! Are you SURE early weaning is OK?'

Of course you don't actually have to do any of her suggestions

Good luck

Just wondering what your relationship is like with MIL - is there any way you could say quietly to her that SIL is making you feel inadequate / insecure or something and could MIL have a word because you don't want to hurt SIL's feelings? Or could you get DH to mention it?

Love Antidote's suggestions!!

I used to say "well, I'm going to keep trying ... for another week or two to give baby a chance to get used to it, but if I can't get it to work I'll try your idea next" - people generally forget what they suggested and the baby changes so fast it won't be relevant in a week.

She just wants to be involved; people really don't realise how critical well meaning advice sounds!

I can totally understand how you feel, I was in exactly the same situation as you with my sil and it used to really get to me. One thing I've realised since though is that she was the first of our generation to have dcs so hers were the first dgcs on both sides so when my ds was born she was kind of "knocked off her perch" iyswim?

I made totally different parenting decisions to her, for example ebf on demand whereas she ff and stuck to a strict routine and I think she saw it as her role to educate me because she had been praised for the way she raised her dcs for so long.

Just remember that it says much more about her than it does about you! The key thing for me was making it clear that it was not up for discussion. For example when she said to me "give him a bit of baby rice to help him sleep" (he was 9 weeks) I just said "no hes fine on breastmilk" and changed the subject straightaway. She soon got the message and stopped commenting! I think that if you start talking about WHO recommendations she may well get defensive and feel the need to justify her decisions, that was my experience with my sil anyway.

Good luck and remember that your perfect healthy baby is testament to your parenting choices and proof that you don't need her advice

Don't tell her you feel insecure. That's just fodder further down the line.

Don't feel you have to justify your choice to do xyz.

Don't passivley sit there absorbing all her 'well meaning' ranting.

Say - 'thanks but I'm enjoying the whole experience and I just want to do it this way'

If you remain confident and smiley she really has nowhere else to take it.