Need some help dealing with 'helpful' SIL

[TittyBojangles]

Ok, so I know LOADS of women on here have it worse with their IL's, but I thought I would ask for some advice on dealing with my SIL.

I have a 15 week old DS and BIL, SIL and DN (x2) are coming to visit to see DS for the first time - they live a few hours drive away.

Anyway, I am really worried about how to cope with SIL in particular. She does mean well I am sure, but so far I have had comments including:

'why not give him a bottle at night to help him sleep through'- I am ebf, and when I said this she said 'I dont know why you are so against ff, it is just as good as bm', I hadn't said anything negative about ff and wouldn't ever attack her choice to ff her DDs, but she feels like she can comment on my choice to bf.

'Why not try weaning him' - he was 10 weeks!.

'One late night won't hurt him, he's only 3 months old' - in response to me saying we couldn't go out in the evening as DS goes to sleep at 7pm and would just be screaming with overtiredness if he didn't.

I really think she thinks she is trying to help, but doesn't realise that her comments make me feel like she is criticising my parenting choices and I have to keep justifying them.

So, when they come to visit how do I fend off any similar 'helpful comments' from her? I am normally a confident, articulate person, but this subject makes me turn into a pathetic wobbly jelly. I need a bit of backbone to respond so she knows she is being hurtful not helpful but without causing too many ruptions.

Sorry for the essay, any good one liners or helpful advice appreciated.

Oh, and DH will be at work so can't use him as a human sheild :(

my Health visitor told me to smile and say "oh, that's his routine" when anyone commented on the way I was looking after my son. (She said it didn't matter if his routine changed hourly - just the phrase was enough to shut most people up )

Thank you soooo much everyone for all your advice and thoughts on this. Its a shame that this seems to be a common problem for new mothers, perhaps I too will forget what it felt like to be a new Mum?

There are some really great pieces of advice here and I will be the picture of polite confidence and NOT allow her comments to get to me.

This is my DH's brothers wife so there isn't really anyone I can get to have a quiet word. Anyway, I am determined to deal with this myself and stop bloody stressing. They aren't coming until Tuesday and I can't belive how much time I have wasted thinking about it! She might not even say anything, after all, she'll be transfixed by the gorgeousness that is my DS

Thanks again for your time, wisdom and experience. I really do appreciate it.

Say,

"The thing is DSil, no-one knows my DS better than I do. So whatever I do for him is the right thing for him and advice from people who don't know him is really unnecessary."

Smile in a steely fashion.

Just say 'Thank you for the advice, it's always helpful to hear from experienced parents' and carry on doing what you and your DH think is best. Very sound advice from my FIL which I follow with great success!

@Chrysanth - but then you're telling her that she is experienced and her advice is helpful! But it's not helpful and SIL is not experienced with OP's DS.

OK, always hard when you think someone is telling you your way isn't the right way. However don't completely discount everything that she says to you, we are on our 2nd dc at the moment and there are so many things that I now "don't" bother with doing that I religiously did with dd. She may be trying to help you cut some corners, give you time to yourself etc (I refer to comments about a bottle/mixed feeding to help sleep through the night - tbh if you aren't getting sleep and want it then this is an option so dh can get involved - you could respond with "I am going to try expressing so we can do this but don't really want the hassle of ff at the moment with sterilizing etc etc" and she may have been trying to let you get yourself back into not just being mummy - i.e one late night isn't going to put everything you have done in jeopardy. Actually you probably know that a one off from routine isn't going to bugger it up but maybe she was trying to help you?)

Yes it is really annoying when people try and parent for you, but it sounds as if she is trying to pass on some advice/help rather than put you down. With the weaning comment perhaps like most of my family she is so used to having your ds in the family that she hasn't remembered how old he actually is. When my ds was 2 weeks old my dm was telling everyone he was a completely different age. Other people tend to forget whereas first time mums tend to know the exact day/hour/min of age of their dc. I couldn't tell you how old exactly ds is but I bet you can tell me exactly how old your dc is because he is the main focus of your life (not that my ds isn't its just I have a wild 3 yo to contend with too so days just mush into one with my baby brain!)

If you go into this thinking she is criticizing you then you are in for a rough ride. Fact. Don't be passive aggressive either as that won't do anything for your relationship if you make her feel like her "helpful" comments aren't relevant.

However just be honest and say that you are going to try things your own way for the moment but she will be the first person you call if you feel it isn't working for you and ds. Hormones do do funny things to us and can make you feel like someone is having a go when they aren't. Please don't think I am having a go but it doesn't sound as if she is being really aggressive in the way she is going about what she is doing and as long as you don't be sniffy about the way she has brought her dc's up then she won't be about the way you bring yours up. Very very few people are actively critical to your face about your child rearing, most of them do it behind your back ime.

Good luck, I am sure it will all be fine and remember she is probably trying to be helpful and not critical because believe it or not most mothers do remember how difficult those first months can be and generally try to help rather than hinder!

Just look around MN its the biggest example of this ever.

Rhinestone - I'm not saying that the SIL is experienced in parenting the OP's ds, but she is an experienced parent. So the OP can worry about how to phrase a reply that may quite easily come across as stroppy, or she can simply say thank you and ignore the advice.

Based on my experience, people do not offer advice in order to make other parents feel bad, but to make conversation or explain what they did. Politely acknowledging it, whilst having the confidence to do what you think is best for your child would seem a reasonable way to respond to well-meaning advice.

Obviously if the SIL was being unkind or controlling that would be different, but the OP says she's a nice person.