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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to RANT : Pi**ed off with doing everything with no help from DH!!

57 replies

jac34 · 16/10/2005 14:49

I'm just realy annoyed today as DH has gone off to play golf(as he does every Sunday), and while he's out he's expecting me to clear all the garden for the Winter,paint all the fences and shed.
I do all the gardening because he hates it but,... SO DO I. I've mowed the lawn, done the borders and cut the hedges all summer and now I'm completely fed up.It looked realy cold out this morning, so I didn't fancy it, plus my DS's were nagging me to do something with them, so I just thought, Oh bugger the garden and the DS's and I have been baking instead.
Yesterday I spent the whole day clearing, cleaning and even moved a bed(alone),into the spare room as my Mum is coming to stay next week. I'd been trying to get him to help me for weeks but he always had something more important to do, so I just got fed up nagging and did it myself, which is what I always end up doing.

I just know when he comes home he'll say"Oh, you didn't do the garden then?", and if he does I think I'll kill him

OP posts:
sestius · 17/10/2005 18:54

Was Monday any better for any of us?

Thank you marthamoo, I play on the fringes of MN, especially since going back to work (aaaargh, building up towards negotiating going part-time with DH, must be very nice to him)

Passionkiller · 17/10/2005 19:55

Ah, this is obviously the thread that I should have posted my sunday evening woes on. I might have got a bit more sympathy

(Joke BTW) in case anyone who posted on my thread earlier is about.

QueenVictoria · 17/10/2005 22:17

Marginally.

Cooked his dinner. He was late home so left it as it came out the oven. He moaned that i hadnt plated it up and stuck it in the warm oven. He wished he hadnt moaned. Ive had a bad day.

We love each other now!

bran · 17/10/2005 23:14

Yes, today is much, much better. He left for Berlin this morning (to return on Thursday), the cleaner came after he left and the house is still pristine because I've only had to pick up after ds and myself.

QueenVictoria · 17/10/2005 23:34

Ha ha! I find the same bran - i dont think he realises how much mess HE makes let alone who clears it up!

slug · 18/10/2005 16:56

How to deal with men and the dishes issue.

  1. Make up a spare bed, or at at pinch sleep with the kids, making sure to utilise all the spare bedding.

  2. While dh is sulking on the pc or out with his mates take all dirty dished and place them under the duvet in your bed.

  3. Sweetly say goodnight and go and sleep with kids/on spare bed.

mummyhill · 18/10/2005 17:07

What do you do with a dh who whilst on paternity leave did the school run with e;dest child and spent the rest of the time on the pc. He is apparently unable to pick up dirty washing and put it in the hamper, remove dirty plates and put them in the dishwasher, get up for a night feed, change a nappy or deal with a 3 yr old that has wet the bed. His parting shot most mornings is are you going to have a tidy up today? Ohh and he disapears tuesday and thursday evening and saturday and sunday morning to either train or teach karate!!!!! God knows what will happen in this house when I go back to work in feb as he does days and I do nights.we usually see each other for 1/2 an hour each morning and evening when I am working he gets the easy shift with the kids and I live for afternoons eldest is at nursery so I can sleep.

Passionkiller · 18/10/2005 18:34

You kill him, collect the life insurance and use it to pay for a cleaning lady/au apir or whatever will make your life easier.

Passionkiller · 18/10/2005 18:35

au pair i mean.

sestius · 18/10/2005 19:31

Make sure you use one of those dead good untraceable poisons they talk about in Agatha Christie. Worked a treat with my firsy thirty-four husbands.

sestius · 18/10/2005 19:32

Or even first thirty-four husbands. Hic. Drink also helps.

bran · 18/10/2005 20:31

I might try serving dh's dinner on his previous night's dirty dinner plate. When he protests I will say "It must be a clean dinner plate, because if it was dirty it would be in the DISHWASHER!" Do you think it will work?

mummyhill · 19/10/2005 08:29

Thanks Bran.

A RL friend has recomended picking his clothes up and putting them in the drawers/wardrobe and telling him that I thought they were clean cause if they were dirty they would be in the basket. Hel if a three year old can put their washing in a laundry basket why can't a grown man?

I tried going on strike but after three days I got that down about the state of the place I tidied up.

Personally I blame his mother, she did everything cept wipe his bottom till he left home aged 25. Rest assured I will not be making the same mistake with my son, I will not be subjecting his girlfriends/wife to a life of drudgery!

verb · 19/10/2005 08:59

Have you used the "pasta jar" method with him? Ann Summers do sticker cards that they can trade for a "knee trembling blow job" if they do certain things. I tried it with DH when he had sunk to treating me like an utter doormat & it worked a treat. Helps if you try to make it a joke, though they do get the message (takes 2 weeks for something to become a habit apparently)Dh now far more attentive now he realises the connection between him being nice & my availability for his recreation IYKWIM!!

mummyhill · 19/10/2005 09:04

Verb - I love it will have to pop in to ann summers next time I am out and about.

verb · 19/10/2005 09:07

They're just kids really aren't they and we get all upset when we make the mistake of treating them like adults and they don't act like them Good Lunck

RottenRhubarbWitch · 19/10/2005 09:11

Nooo, I hate that verb! Why the f**k should we bribe them? If you do all the cooking, does he give you mind-blowing sex afterwards?

Men are lazy arsed bastards and you have to think like them in order to win the battle. If I do the cooking, he does the washing and vice versa, if he doesn't then I simply don't touch it! He has a habit of playing his mandolin whilst blissfully ignoring the chaos that is around him, but he's a bit more alert these days since I threatened to cut the strings on the damn thing. And if he ever uses the "I've been working all day" line, then I keep a diary of everything I do during the day, thrust it into his hand and scream "I do all this for NOTHING!"

But my dh has been much better since I left him on his own with 2 children in a caravan for months whilst I went off to work. He moaned about how he was losing his identity, how his whole day was taken up with the children and cleaning, how mind-numbingly depressing it all was, you can guess at my response!

verb · 19/10/2005 09:23

RottenRhubarbWitch - I had already tried the ranting, raving, nagging & "it's not fair" method & it didn't work on my DH - retraining is far more subtle and that did work for me. I guess it depends on the bloke in question.
I disagree with you that blokes are lazy though - they're just oblivious to everything that doesn't directly affect them (ie us running round like blue arsed flies while they sit & watch the telly doesn't affect them until we tell them - they are very simple creatures really )

RottenRhubarbWitch · 19/10/2005 09:30

No, they just want us to think that they are not lazy. Treat them like kids by all means, if it works for you, but imo this is letting them get off lightly. They are not children, they are adults, their brains are not that much more different than ours. They behave in this way because they have been allowed to get away with it, first by their mothers and then by their wives.

Sorry, but I'm a person, I work damn hard too and there's no way I'm going to moddlecoddle my dh into doing something that he damn well should be doing anyway! if it gets too much, then go away for the weekend and leave him in the middle of it!

verb · 19/10/2005 09:45

Agree that mothers have a lot to answer for but TBH I just can't be arsed wasting any more energy than absolutely necessary on the issue. Don't get me wrong - have done the whole exploding wife routine and the "I'm not your f**ing mother" and the going away & leaving him to it but it didn't work for me. Me getting all het up about it makes me feel like crap more than him so I had to find something that was important to him to use to retrain him (as his mother clearly hadn't trained him in the first place) Horses for courses

slug · 19/10/2005 11:10

No, you train them like you would a small child.

"You may have the batteries for the remote control back when you do the dishes"

"You may have the power lead for the pc back when you have cleaned up"

"Did you want dinner? Sorry, I'll get it when I've finished watching the next 5 episodes of 24"

"Was that a wet sheet and urine soaked pyjamas that landed on your face, oh sorry, I must have dropped them there when I was changing dd last night"

"Was that a load of dirty dishes that landed on your lap? Oh sorry, I thought you forgot to do them and I thought I'd remind you"

mummyhill · 19/10/2005 11:38

Retraining is the only option left as i tried everything else and bit worked for ohh 5 mins then all back to "normal". So rewards for good behaviour and time out for bad just like training the kids.

RottenRhubarbWitch · 19/10/2005 13:11

I think I prefer slugs method!

verb · 19/10/2005 14:39

A freind told me once that her counsellor had said that whoever decides on the frequency of sex in a relationship holds all the power (male or female - but this assumes they both want it!!) ...and may the force be with you mummyhill

crunchie · 19/10/2005 14:51

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