Did your relationship change when you became a SAHM?

[NotANaturalGeordie]

I have been with DH for 12 yrs, married for 8 and in general am v happy with him - 1 DSS (14 lives with his mum), 2 DDs, one 6yrs and one 9mths. As I was working PT we have decided that I will not return to work due to childcare costs and for the first time since I was 13 I will not have my own income. Up till now, all money has gone into a joint account, and while I make sure all bills are paid/that we can afford major purchases etc, neither of us has been 'in charge'.

I have now told my boss I'm not going back. And suddenly I'm scared - of dependency, of loneliness, of isolation. That I will become more boring. Did any of you find your relationship changed when you made the transition to SAHM?

Was it better/worse/just different? and how?

It became different when my husband became a SAHD.

Mainly because we had to sort out boundaries, jobs, what was reasonable in a situation that was not conventional.

Its easy to get ratty with each other without understanding that each of you 'has it tough'.

lockets Did nothing about your relationship change? I presume you are separating your relationship from family responsibilities?

Now I think about it, it was family responsibilities that changed but not really the relationship.

That has stayed pretty much the same, with a few moments of misunderstanding as we re-adjusted.

Our relationship hasn't changed really, though I think kids changes it a bit because of sleepless nights etc make you more snappy witheach other.

In terms of money though, its no different. We used to share our money and now we still share our money its just that it all comes from one employer now rather than two. We never had 'his n hers' money, just ours.

I should add that we have a joint acc which is our main acc and we both have our own acc which spending money goes into so we can buy gifts etc for each other without the other seeing it on the statements etc.

I do feel a sense of dependency because I'm not earning, but don't find it a bad feeling at all. Certainly no sense of loneliness or isolation.

I think our relationship changed a bit in terms of the feeling of dependency, but not in a bad way. I honestly think that DH likes the sense of responsibility he gets from being the sole breadwinner, and in some ways it makes him proud? Sounds a bit cheesy but there you go.

I suppose things got a bit more old fashioned in that I felt responsible at first to do all the cooking/cleaning etc as well as looking after DS, but the thing I always remember to remind myself (and DH) is that I'm a full-time mum rather than a full-time cleaner/cook!

I also think that DH likes the fact I'm at home with DS all day so there's a weight off his mind re childcare issues, so if anything it's made us feel a bit more like a team than we were when I was working FT too.

I second what Berri said, my DH is really quite proud of being able to support us all. Not that he would tell anyone but I know he is.

Also, he finds work easier than some of his colleagues because he can work late with no notice because he doesn't have to rush off to collect DC from childcare and he feels this puts him in a good light esp with mass redundancies on the cards.

I do all the housework though, through choice. He'll gladly help if asked but is used to me doing it and tbh if he cleans the bathroom i just want to do it again anyway.

I hated it and ended up going back part time / evening work. I hated feeling beholden and feeling like I had to 'ask' for money for things.

My OH is not to blame for this it was the way I felt. Money being tighter when I was used to being able to spend what I wanted didn't help though.

Even with working evenings there is a certain conflict as I am often expected to do everything else as well and I often work as many hours a week as OH. He is normally more helpful when I remind him of this but I do have to remind him....

Hmm, food for thought. DH thinks it is funny to say things like 'we can't afford XYZ since you've decided to give up work'.

This might become a bit wearing.

NB he is the one who wants me to give up work, man is the provider and all that.

Yesh OP, 'jokes' like that wouldn't go down to well here. I think there has to be real sense of jointness for it to work.

A friend of mine is a SAHM too, with only one income money is tighter just like us but her DH thinks he can continue to spend as he did before, she has to stop spending so much on 'her' things eg clothes, cosmetics etc. Its causing massive issues between them.

Here, 'we' are tightening 'our' belt, not just me and I think it makes a difference. It means there is less resentment I think.

I found the 'humour' mentioned soon led to much annoyance and then I was accused of having no sense of humour! I think DH, not on purpose, suddenly felt he could comment on what was being spent and shouldn't be, as well as presuming I had all the time in the world all day ... that earlier reminder that being a Mum is a full time job and tiring needed occasionally!
Sometimes it's great, sometimes drives me crazy and I think if I was not now expecting I'd be considering PT again, albeit I'd prob then hate it! Never happy? Me? Ha!

You will have to be watchful. There is a massive amount of cultural conditioning which suggests that when the man becomes the main breadwinner, the woman becomes his servant or at least that his status becomes higher than hers.
It doesn't have to happen, of course, but it's unfortunately quite easy to slide towards a situation where you end up with a lot of resentment. A quick and easy check on how fair things are is: both of you should have a similar amount of leisure time. You are both working, but the fact that his work is paid for by someone else doesn't mean that your work involves being on duty 24/7 in exchange for your keep.

No, not really many changes here. DH has always earned massively more than me so I've always been a bit dependant on him to maintain our standard of living.

We were clear abut what our roles were going to be: he was going to be the earner and would require the flexibility to work longer hours when needed and to go abroad as needed (with the benefit of being at home more than most men) and I was going to do the bulk of the domestic stuff and would require support when the children were very small, ill, etc.

I think the best part for me is that DH has always been very considerate and does more than his share with the kids, helps with housework, etc, so I have never felt put-upon or demeaned. Most importantly, he is very supportive of me doing stuff for myself and will happily make time and supply me with my own funds for me to go out with my friends, get my hair done, etc, and to study for a degree while I'm at home.

This was something that surprised me. I felt like our relationship changed, but it wasn't about money, more about how I started to feel that his time at work was more important than anything I was doing. It wasn't DH's fault at all, it was just my problem adjusting from being an equal in the working world. I felt like I had nothing interesting to talk about at the end of the day. And I sometimes resented him for being able to go off to work and not have to worry about the house and kids all day, while I had to juggle everything.

We have always been intellectual equals, had similar jobs, talked a lot about our job issues, gave each other advice, etc. I started to wonder whether he would still see me the same way when all my stories were about the kids or the house. I know that's fairly ridiculous and doesn't apply to lots of relationships, and DH never gave me a reason to feel that way, but that was how I felt. I suppose in reality the change was in my head, but it felt like it changed the dynamic between us.

No real relationship changes here, tbh - I worked PT after DC1, then had 5yrs as SAHM after DC 2 and then back to part time when DC3 was a year old.
We have always just had joint accounts, current and saving. Both of us have a similar (fairly thrifty) approach to money and will just buy basics and treats for ourselves as and when, and discuss major purchases equitably. The whole 'breadwinner' thing has never affected us.
One of the real bonuses of being a SAHM is the absence of the who's-turn-is-it-to-stay-home-with-sick-kid game, just wave him off to work and scoop in the calpol, stress-free!
Not having to juggle home/children/work between us to the same extent meant we had a pretty relaxed few years.
I certainly don't regret being a SAHM at all, they were lovely years. To a certain extent I have only gone back to work now with a preschooler at home as had I left it any longer I would have had a considerable number of professional retraining 'hoops' to jump through with much less flexibility than my current PT job

I'm afraid my relationship went down the drain. DH forced me to give up work (long story) and was then utterly resentful of being the bread winner, thought it meant he did not have to involve himself in family life AT ALL, he had complete power over me and abused it badly. I had to touch my forelock for money while watching him go through a wad of 20s and 10s until he found a measly fiver.

I once had to go to the doc to get a prescription for aqueous cream because dh wouldn't buy it because I could get it free on prescription, and it was the gp who suggested it for dd in the first place so why should he pay for it?

I had no choice about anything. My clothes were falling apart. I once asked if I could have a new top; he said I'd got some T-shirts only a couple of weeks ago. They were horrible grey things that he'd bought for himself and decided he didn't like.

I could only buy fruit and veg for dd as he didn't like fruit so why should we spend the money? If it was for dd then he was more likely to relent, but I couldn't eat any of it myself because I didn't know when he'd next let us have some.

I had to use some moisturiser (Pure and Simple) which had been sitting on his bathroom windowsill for literally years and even smelt off, as he wouldn't let me buy anymore. I was 42 and P&S really didn't cut the mustard.

And so on....

Jux that's awful! Tell me this shithead is now XH.

Our didn't really change but it took me a good year or so to get used to it and abit longer to actually enjoy it.

Jux you're using the passed tense there, I hope this has passed?

jux That exact thing happened to me with my exh.I could write a book about the mental,emotional and physical abuse that I endured after being forced into the role of sahm.I did get free of him though and life is good now :)

I am not a SAHM but really admire MIL who has been one for 35 years for insisting that all money was joint money. I think the minute you could have joint accounts with banks, she ensured one was opened and she also has investments etc in her own name so she is not "dependent" on FIL IFYSWIM. FIL is the type who wouldn't necessarily value what was done in the home to what he was doing out of home, so by putting these things in place, she made sure that she was always treated as an equal. I will occasionally get annoyed with DH because he sometimes implies that he values FIL for having worked hard to provide a nice for them but not MIL for enabling FIL to go off and work without the other distractions.

When I became a SAHM (by default after redundancy) I insisted that DH's salary be paid into our joint account from then on (used to go into his account), and we each get a monthly allowance paid into our separate accounts to spend on whatever we want (and once it's gone, it's gone). I was determined not to be dependent on DH if I took a career break and had saved accordingly, thank goodness. However, DH still regards it at "his" money to some extent.

In terms of our relationship, yes it has made a difference to us in how we relate to one another. DH's career took off because he was freed from domestic responsibilities to a large extent (as I take care of most of it now) and able to work longer hours and focus more on work. I used to be able to understand what he did all day, but am finding it harder and harder to relate to it. And the same for him, he doesn't really understand what I do all day and (my fault) I've never left him "holding the baby" for a day to find out. I don't have much to talk about with regards to myself when he asks me how my day was - it's all amusing anecdotes about DD.

For someone who is highly-educated, this has been a knock to my self-esteem. Luckily, I'm good at spending time by myself and keep myself busy (there is always a list). I've also been known to set myself work-style "objectives" which I review with DH to get his agreement and then review with him again at the end of the agreed period of time. This helps him to see what I've been doing.

At first doing the cleaning and so on was a novelty, but I quickly came to resent it because DH either didn't notice or didn't place any value on what I was doing. I now do the laundry and ironing (which he notices because we used to send his shirts to the dry cleaner) but now have a cleaner every other week and have started doing the supermarket shop online as much as possible. I try to focus more on things like financial planning, "managing" the household without doing it all myself (I was a manager in my former job, can you tell?).

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 but have already decided that I want to go back to work once DC2 is weaned. I don't want to be one of the older SAHMs I encounter in my gym who seem to be living totally vicariously through their children (when not at the gym). From eavesdropping, their kids all seem to be off to university soon, so then what will they do with their lives (and what do they do at the moment whilst kids are at school...running a house is only a couple of days a week at most, right)? I'm afraid this isn't for me!

My DH is very nice so I've seen quite a lot of positive changes. I'm more relaxed, more focussed on family. I am good at the trad wife bit and don't see it as demeaning. You need quite a lot of organisational skills to keep everything running, extended family, look decent and keep up part-time study and friendships. Its just like work really and if you treat it as such you do get a sense of acheivement.

That said, I do want a job within 1 year. DS will be 1 in July and I think a part-time job in a shop or in an office would be a good balance and also bring in some more money.

Someone up-thread mentioned a MIL that had got it right. I think the things she mentioned were good advice.