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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

V controlled how do I brake free but stay together??

40 replies

DietCokeRules · 17/02/2011 20:36

I am a SAHM to two DC, I havent worked in just over 4 years, when I did work I had a very responsible job and alot of my confidence came from my work (or at least it made me realise what I was capable off).

Since I was no age I have also dreamt of being a mum so happily gave up my career to raise my children myself (I hope to find work again once both kids are at school).DH has always been a chancer and I have always had to keep on my toes or else he trys to dominate me, e.g. on our first holiday together he wouldnt let me spend my money on things that I wanted to buy.

Since DC2 has arrived I have had PND again, and I have realised alot of this is due to pressure DH puts on me. Frequently he comes home (5/5.30)and gets in a mood as the kids toys are still out and the kitchen is full of the kids dinner mess, I dont see the point in tidying until they are in bed (its really not that bad!).

If the kids do anything clever he says they take after him, inspite of having a Masters as I "only" got 2;2 in my degree, and had to resit two A levels I am stupid. He is really into fitness and tells me that i should go to the gym and tone up, that i'm only allowed to have some free time if I use it for something he considers useful like the gym.

Last night we had an arguement (and not for the first time Sad) he got so angry that he "wanted to punch my face in". As I make him more angry than anyone else......

There are a million other things I could tell you about how he trys/does control me. How can I fix this lack of respect, without throwing everything away? I dont want to go back to work yet as I am enjoying raising my children. Sorry this is very disjointed and rambly. DH will be home soon so might mot be able to reply tonight.

OP posts:
MinuteLaidMemoo · 17/02/2011 20:41

Truthfully do you really want to stay with this man?

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 17/02/2011 20:41

I'm sorry for what you are going through but I don't think you will get any change from him. He doesn't need to change for a start as there have been no repurcussions for him. I also suspect that this controlling behaviour is deeply entrenched. It would take a lot of therapy by him, on his own and he would have to want to change.

What would you be throwing away if you left him (or if he left you)?

Original poster
DietCokeRules · 17/02/2011 20:43

Yes I want to stay as I would be throwing a family away for DCs Sad

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 17/02/2011 20:43

And do you want your children growing up witnessing their mother enduring this much disrespect? What lessons will they learn from that?

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 17/02/2011 20:45

Why would you be throwing a family away? You and the DCs would be a family. Your H would have them to stay on a regular basis. He would still be part of their lives and their family wouldn't he?

MinuteLaidMemoo · 17/02/2011 20:46

You are not throwing it away your dh is. His behaviour is totally unreasonable.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 20:46

Ring women's aid, and work out a long term solution for you and your children.

It sounds like you probably always felt low about yourself and your dh is tapping into that, how else does he know about your A levels unless he was on the course with you?

Your GP will be able to help you with the recovery from pnd and work on the issues from your marraige.

KristinaM · 17/02/2011 20:47

You can't change soemone else. It's very hard to change your own behaviour, even with support. All you can do is decide if you want to livelike this for the rest of your life. And to have your kids live like this until they leave home

Original poster
DietCokeRules · 17/02/2011 20:47

Sad Sounds pathethic but there are periods where hes not so controlling, mainly when hes happy.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 20:48

That is how they keep you in the relationship DietCoke! That is why you need to speak to wa, they know all about this!

Original poster
DietCokeRules · 17/02/2011 20:51

I couldnt call Womans Aid hes never actually hurt me (well about 7 years ago he kicked me when he was cross, but it wasnt sore I was just shocked), but i dont think he would ever hurt me.

OP posts:
HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 17/02/2011 20:51

DietCoke - you deserve to be respected, you deserve to be happy. I don't know how old your DCs are (they sound young) and at some point they are going to pick up on your DH's behaviour. And at some point he will want to control them too (if he isn't already).

This is a cycle of abuse. Sometimes he nice sometimes he's not. The nice times seem better after the horrible times.

Speak to WA as MummieHunnie says.

KristinaM · 17/02/2011 20:52

It's called emotional abuse. It's still counts as abuse. It's ok for you to call womens aid

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 17/02/2011 20:53

Oh this guy gets better by the minute! Women's Aid don't just deal with violet relationships they deal with all types of abusive relationships.

MadameOvary · 17/02/2011 21:01

Before you make any decisions you need some time to understand the reality of your situation and get some perspective on it.

You have taken the first step by posting on here, and can see that your H is controlling and disrespectful. What you probably cant see yet is how much he has ground you down, and how much of his behaviour is "normalised" when in fact it is downright abusive.

Threats to punch your face in and making you responsible for his anger...FFS Sad

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 21:04

Diet Coke, after my exh left my gp asked if I had been abused, like you I thought I had not, 9 months later after long term horrific abuse that accumilated in the police being called and arresting him eventually, I found out via the police that he was emotionally abusing me, and after she questioned me about the marriage she informed me the whole marriage had been abusive, I was devistated more by that than him leaving suddenly, for another woman etc the kids bit was the worst bit and I has taken me 3 YEARS to get over it really as it opened the floodgates to others emotionally abusing me and I have gone through a process of picking my life apart, it is really only in the last few months that I have finally begun to benefit from all the hard work I have put in and to feel safer and trust that I can now spot and protect myself and my children from such people again.

This is why you need to speak to wa, speak it through with them and you will see that we are not talking nonsense!

MsPav · 17/02/2011 21:21

He HAS already been violent towards you when he kicked you, and consciously or not, that will have been in the back of your mind ever since. Plus he is actually threatening you with violence now.

All the things you have posted re control resonate with me. My XH had very similar issues plus he was violent too (although, not often as he used to remind me!)

Believe me, the best family life you can offer for your DCS is to get out. He already finds their toys annoying, this will get worse and worse. My XH used to sweep away cups of tea/coffee I hadn't finished such was his mania.

My DCS are so much happier, secure and confidant than they were when he was here. They have a good relationship with their Dad but I know they are happier without him here. A happy family doesn't need to have two parents in it necessarily.

To be honest, my only regret is that I didn't leave him sooner, was with him far too long.

If you have the courage to leave (and do call WA ) you will look back at your current life and shake your head at why on earth you put up with it.

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 21:24

MY exh used to slam doors and push his chest out and stand over me, he put his fist right the way through a door once --he took me out of living room into kitchen and then on to utility and punched the garage door to get me to get people out of the house. He punched the fridge door another time, I can't remember why he did that! He used to throw things across the room also when we were married if the dc or I did not do as he wanted! I am so ashamed that I did not realise what that was at the time.

PeterAndreForPM · 17/02/2011 21:27

No way am I going to advise you on how to stay with a man like this

The only advice I will give you is to end your marriage, for your dc's sake if not your own

MadameOvary · 17/02/2011 21:33

You cant fix the lack of respect.
Why?
Because he feels entitled to treat you like that, and sees absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Do you have friends in happy, respectful relationships? Ask yourself if their DP/DH behaves like your H.

You call him a "chancer". Not the word I'd use, sorry.

Please have a look at this It comes highly recommended by many, many MNers. You can read the first few pages online and decide what you think.

Your H IS hurting you with this emotional abuse. He has even kicked you. It doesn't matter that it was once, or long ago. Was he even sorry, or did he blame you for making him do it?

PatriciaHolm · 17/02/2011 21:33

Do you want your children to grow up thinking this is how a relationship is? Would you want a DD having this sort of relationship? Would you want a DS behaving as your husband does?

If no, then you need to leave, for their sake. You are normalising this kind of abuse for them.

PeterAndreForPM · 17/02/2011 21:35

MH you shouldn't feel ashamed about the bad behaviour of your ex

dittany · 17/02/2011 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DietCokeRules · 17/02/2011 21:38

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, you've given me alot to think about :(
He's back now so won't be able to reply again for a while.

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 17/02/2011 21:43

he has a problem with you being on the internet ?

quite typical

Please make sure you delete your posting history

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