V controlled how do I brake free but stay together??

[DietCokeRules]

I am a SAHM to two DC, I havent worked in just over 4 years, when I did work I had a very responsible job and alot of my confidence came from my work (or at least it made me realise what I was capable off).

Since I was no age I have also dreamt of being a mum so happily gave up my career to raise my children myself (I hope to find work again once both kids are at school).DH has always been a chancer and I have always had to keep on my toes or else he trys to dominate me, e.g. on our first holiday together he wouldnt let me spend my money on things that I wanted to buy.

Since DC2 has arrived I have had PND again, and I have realised alot of this is due to pressure DH puts on me. Frequently he comes home (5/5.30)and gets in a mood as the kids toys are still out and the kitchen is full of the kids dinner mess, I dont see the point in tidying until they are in bed (its really not that bad!).

If the kids do anything clever he says they take after him, inspite of having a Masters as I "only" got 2;2 in my degree, and had to resit two A levels I am stupid. He is really into fitness and tells me that i should go to the gym and tone up, that i'm only allowed to have some free time if I use it for something he considers useful like the gym.

Last night we had an arguement (and not for the first time ) he got so angry that he "wanted to punch my face in". As I make him more angry than anyone else......

There are a million other things I could tell you about how he trys/does control me. How can I fix this lack of respect, without throwing everything away? I dont want to go back to work yet as I am enjoying raising my children. Sorry this is very disjointed and rambly. DH will be home soon so might mot be able to reply tonight.

Further to my last post:
please read this

I would definately get someone to talk to either at refuge or counselling. He musn't be allowed to make you feel like this any longer.You are great!! you can do what you want. Don't feel bad about being you - what you like is good. Do you know what you like any more? No? Start dreaming what you would like to live like in ideal world. start to move towards it. Its great that you are on mumsnet just opening up about it.Use it along with talking to someone to keep you strong. Listen to the positive messages from people you can learn to trust. What he says is only his opinion HE ISNT RIGHT ABOUT YOU HIS VIEW ISNT THE TRUTH> Try and listen to the strong part of you that has been buried for so long and step out for help. well done for starting your new journey, he hasn't squashed you so go girl!!!

DCR

You cannot fix this relationship, it is broken beyond repair. Besides which, he is quite happy as he is, he thinks he has and is doing nothing wrong. He will not be amenable to any changes you try and make. He enjoys hurting you physically and emotionally. His parents relationship was probably the same; this is deep seated learnt behaviour.

Abusers are very plausible to those as well in the outside world, it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

You are not throwing a family away here; he is by his actions. Staying with such an inherently damaged individual is no option as that will damage your children further as well as you. They learn about relationships first and foremost from their parents; currently you two are teaching them damaging lessons. Your children will learn that a controlling relationship is an acceptable way of conducting a relationship which it clearly is not.

Would strongly suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Your H is within those pages.

Do call Womens Aid today. He has kicked you in the past and has upped the ante with regards to controlling abuse as well. Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour. If you look back as well you can see a pattern of increased control over you. He wants to destroy you and by turn the children ultimately as given time he will start on them as well.

well about 7 years ago he kicked me when he was cross

So, it's DV.
Occasionally I think there can be a bit of a chorus of "get rid" here, but...

Knocking your wife about is never allowed, no matter how cross you get.

Scumbags like that will always do it again. Call Women's Aid and have a chat.

on our first holiday together he wouldnt let me spend my money on things that I wanted to buy

and you let him give you two children? Not a great idea.

Hopefully, he'll be a good Absent Parent.

oh diet coke. You make him more angry than anyone else? that is so sad. There you are, being mum to his kids and trying to run a lovely home - and all you get back is anger and disrespect. He calls you stupid? He won't let you spend money?

You won't be able to fix him and the truth is your children will not benefit from growing up and learning how to be in relationships from you. Which they will. They are likely to grow up either to behave like this themselves or to put up with it from others.

He has massive problems which you cannot solve. You might find it shocking to come on here and be told this, but there are many wise people here who have been through this and will support you while you seek help and learn more.

There is only one way this relationship can be saved. That is by him giving up this horrible controlling behaviour. I can tell you right now, as long as the words "You made me..." have any part in his vocabulary, it is not going to happen.

He's broken and you cannot fix him

This man does not see you as equal to him.

He does not think you are as good as him.

If you didn't stay at home with the children he would have to pay someone to do it.

Does he expect total compliance and sex whenever he wants it?

He is a bully.

You would not be throwing away a family for your children, you will be giving them a happy mummy and the chance to learn what proper grown up relationships are really like.

At the moment they see daddy controlling mummy and will grow up to think that is the right thing to do.

I have to be honest I'm a bit shocked by everyones opinion. It doesn't feel that bad. I tried to talk to him about it last night and this morning but he just laughed and said he doesn't control me at all, that I am uncontrollable, except by my mum who can apparently control me.

I am a bit freaked out about the effect this could have on my kids, I see what you all mean .

I think I'll go off and absorb all this information.

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

read why does he do that
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

OP just have a look at the WA website and see if any of that resonates with you.

"It doesn't feel that bad. I tried to talk to him about it last night and this morning but he just laughed and said he doesn't control me at all, that I am uncontrollable, except by my mum who can apparently control me".

The "nice" part of the abuse cycle did not last long did it?. He will revert to type, he cannot maintain the nice charade for long.
There was no remorse or real concern for you from him at all.

Abusive types like your man do not and will not listen to any reasoned argument put to them. They think they are untouchable and what he has actually done now is project. What abused women tend to do in these situations is downplay the very real abuse suffered as has been seen in your first sentence. If you had not thought it was not that bad you would not have posted in the first instance. Your gut instinct is screaming at you this is all wrong, this is abuse and you're caught up in an abusive marriage.

Am certain too that your mum is very worried about you being with your H. She may well be very suspicious of him.

You are also only allowed by him to have some free time if you go to the gym. Well how nice of him. How does that make you feel?. Isolation and isolating you from family and friends is yet another tactic used by controllers to keep their victim i.e you in this instance in line. His pattern of control is sadly predictable and it will again escalate. He will never let you work again outside the home.

Who actually knows the extent to which you are controlled?. Abuse like this as well thrives on secrecy; you need outside support in order to get out. He will destroy you otherwise and your children too with it. He is quite happy to drag you down with him as well. He cares not a jot for you and his children.

You need to act decisively for your childrens sake as well as your own because you cannot go on like this. You will need help to get out of this marriage. Controllers will not let go of their victim easily hence the suggestion to contact Womens Aid. Do read Lundy Bancroft's book as well. He will be in those pages.

Just thought I would say that I tell my DH I would like some free time and he says take as long as you want. Not why? No, only if you do X. He waves me off telling me to have a good time.

If you tried to tell him last night and he said he doesn't control you he didn't listen to your feelings again did he? hope all this critisism of him doesn't frighten you. I feel like taking you out for cake and giving you a big hug!!! Maybe your mum does 'control' you in his mind because she helps you to be you? which he would see as being against him?

It doesn't feel that bad because it's normal for him to treat you that.
But just because you are used to it, does not make it acceptable.

Of course you are shocked at the responses on here, you dont see yourself that way.
Few do, when confronted with the opinions of those who have either a)emerged and recovered from an abusive relationship or b) would never dream of putting themselves or their DC's in the path of such abuse and disrespect.