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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

no one needs an ex wife clinging on, how do i get rid of her!!

48 replies

neverlookback · 17/02/2011 13:01

hi me and dp have been together for 4 years he split from his ex wife around 6 years ago, they have/had a dog together who lives with us but every now and again the ex wife wants to look after the dog or when we go on hol his ex mil will have the dog, this is the route of the problem but i think the ex wife has still not let go, even though she was the one who finished thier relationship. maybe its hard for her as he has now moved on and has a family (we have ds 2 and im 14 wks pg) she texts everynow and again asking about the dog or asking how his family are, and once she was saying she was going in the local and he could of bought her a drink for old times sake! when they split she kept the car and recently she was texting asking for help as it had something wrong and then about she was getting a new car and what could she get, dp ignored these as far as im aware as i have made it clear im not confortable with her trying to be like best friends, she text him the other day about picking the dog up and she had put a kiss on the end which made me furious. i know this is all very mild but i just want her to piss off and leave us alone, she only asks for the dog every 6 months so she doesnt miss her that much! the dog is 9 this year and dp has promised that once the dog has passed away that will be the end of the connection. I have asked him again and again to be totally honest with me about when she contacts him and vice versa, i dont want any secrets its a touchy subject and i need to know whats going on to be able to deal with it.
the next problem is that dp has started lying to me about if she has text or if he has text her for an easy life, but i caught him out last night (not for the 1st time) i had seen the message come through on this phone but when i asked if she had text he said no then i said show me your phone i dont believe you which he did reluctantly and she had text him 2-3 times in the last couple of day and he had replied to her twice, it was all harmless about collecting the dog (except for the kiss) but the fact he didnt tell me the truth about the conversations, now i dont know whats true and whats not. I know he only kept it from me to try and not make me upset but i just want him to be honest. I am insecure and i do feel quite threatend by her, i worry as she left him and broke his heart that maybe deep down he still loves her, maybe she thinks that too and she wants him back, when he said he was doing the divorce last year she burst into tears.
he says i have absoloutly nothing to worry about, that he loves me and is perfectly happy with me and our family.

Should i confront her and tell her that no one needs an ex wife hanging around and that she is embarressing herself and to leave us alone, or would that be me making a fool of myself??

sorry its long just wish she would go away

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 17/02/2011 13:02

You sound like a jealous loon TBH.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/02/2011 13:08

You would be making a fool of yourself.

They've been split for 6 years. You've been together for 4. So she occasionally texts him and asks about the dog - she probably thinks that enough time has passed to be civil - which it has.

She texts him 'every now and again' - seriously, if he was going to be unfaithful to you, do you not think he'd have done it by now? Or done so with someone more readily available than an ex of more than half a decade, who sometimes texts?

I'm not surprised he hides texts from you now, if this has been going on for several years and you're still feeling insecure. What does the poor man have to do?

This is your issue.

BeerTricksPotter · 17/02/2011 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 13:13

I can see why you are touchy about this and to be honest, i'm a dog owner but if me and my dp split and he kept the dog I wouldnt be going to pick it up 6 years later I think thats a fairly pathetic excuse to stay in contact on her part.

Your dp probably didn't tell you about texts for a quiet life, he knows you are touchy about it, I would say he has moved on but I would be suspisous of her intentions too if I were you, that might make me a loon too :)

Saying something to her could backfire on you spectacularly but I would say to your dp to tell her you are not comfortable with her getting in contact so much please make future arrangements through exMIL, even if he thinks you are being daft he should not have objections if what he says is true

Original poster

neverlookback · 17/02/2011 13:16

yeah your prob all right! i just feel so threatend by her, she left him and broke his heart, some of the scars i still have to deal with. and she just seems to think she has him no beck and call whenever she needs him. I do have a lot of pregnancy harmones raging through my body making my mind work overtime!

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 17/02/2011 13:19

You don't mention any DC, they didn't have kids together? Only this dog?

TBH I see your point, yes it does come across from a cold read perspective as if you ARE being petty and jealous.

BUT

This is 6 years on, there is no real reason - bar the flaming dog - for them to have any contact again. The car IS a total waste of your H time.

Why has he not been able to say to her, you dumped me, I have no real ties to you, that is IT?

Is it the famous ego boost? Is it fear of confrontation?

She walked out on HIM, he doesn't need to be the one to keep things sweet. Why has she not got someone else? She is bein really cruel to him tbh, keeping him dangling on the hook.

He, by failing to deal with this, stand up for himself, and more importantly FOR HIS FAMILY, for YOU and say to XW, look, Time goes on, have nothing against you any more, but we can't be friends, it's not the kind of relationship I need.

I think WWIFN would say something about the XW not being a friend to the marriage, and she'd be right. She is causing trouble and your H does need to keep her at arms length and to ideally tell her to move on with her life.

Original poster

neverlookback · 17/02/2011 13:20

thanks tangledscotland as last someone a bit more on my side!!! i know she is not going to go away until the dog has gone, so the only way im comfortable with that is if he is completely honest and open with me about the communication. he had been telling me that all arrangments were done through ex mil but now i have discovered thats not the case. He says he stays civil as they look after the dog if we go on holiday as he wont put the dog in kennels. God damn dog she is 9 but shows no sign of slowing down she will prob live till 20!!!

OP posts:

hatwoman · 17/02/2011 13:21

oh blimey I so disagree about the dog being a pathetic excuse. I'm a dog owner and I'd be demanding access every weekend. In fact I'd stay together for the dog.

wannaBe · 17/02/2011 13:23

you need to get a grip.

Seriously you need to deal with your trust issues and insecurities or you will drive him away. I don't blame him for keeping the texts from you, you sound unhinged.

So she's his ex. They split, he's with you, he's allowed to be civil towards her, even if they didn't have a dog I would say he should be allowed to be civil towards her without you creating a scene about it.

OnlyWantsOne · 17/02/2011 13:24

shoot the dog and grow up.

Beamur · 17/02/2011 13:24

Whilst you may be over reacting a bit - it doesn't sound like your DP is in much danger of resuming a relationship with his ex, it's still lingering like a bad smell for you.
Maybe your DP needs to make a final break, and put the dog in kennels rather than with the exMIL too.
Depending on the breed of dog, this could be continuing for many years yet.
This might be more about your insecurity, but there seems slight justification in their continuing contact.
It's not always healthy to keep in contact with an ex.

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 13:26

What I think is the stuff you haven't put in your first post that has caused this touchy feeling, reading between the lines he has probably talked over the years about just how hurt he was by her and as you say you are still dealing with some of those scars.

Rightly or wrongly you have built this woman up in your mind to have been his great love that got away, men say really thoughtless things about past relationships sometimes and you spend ages mulling them over.

Dont beat yourself up if it was me I wouldn't want her within 100 miles of my OH and i'm someone who takes OH's ex GF's son on holiday with me and even invited her over for xmas day a few years ago when she had a disaster, so I am not nutty jealous about ex's :o

Jojay · 17/02/2011 13:27

I agree with Wannabe - sorry.

waterrat · 17/02/2011 13:29

I'm not saying this woman isn't annoying - but I do think this is is an example of jealousy and suspicion creating it's own problems and pain. There were married - why shouldn't they be friendly ocassionally?
She might be a pita but you are with him for life and I think you need to calm down about this.

I know jealousy can really eat you up but remember the only personyou have to trust is him. Let her at d the odd text he probably doesnt want to be rude - it wouldn't be strange for him to feel some friendly affection to her if they were once together.

He is your husband and if you trust him i think you need to back off about her being in touch very ocassionally. I think it's s better sign to be honest if men are friendly to their exes. I wouldn't want to be with someone who completely dismissed someone they were once very close to.

wannaBe · 17/02/2011 13:30

I have my ex on facebook. He broke my heart - I thought he was the one, I had to leave the country and while I was gone he found someone else so the relationship was never resolved iyswim..

Actually we only spoke about twice after he added me to facebook, but from his status updates it appears I had a lucky escape! He's already been married twice, engaged twice (now for the 3rd time), and at least three times since I've had him on there (about two years now) he's met the one and only love of his life.

But I've commented on his status a couple of times and likewise he has on mine. I would be livid if dh started saying I wasn't allowed to have him on there or if he went to him and told him to go away..

lucykate · 17/02/2011 13:31

do they have kids together?, does she have any kids herself. she sounds lonely to me. maybe it's not a case of getting rid of her, but more about just finding alternative ways of dealing with her.

how friendly are you with her?, no reason why arrangements for the dog can't be made via you instead of just your dp.

Magicmayhem · 17/02/2011 13:31

I think that your hormones have clouded your common sense...

wannaBe · 17/02/2011 13:32

oh and we never had a dog together so conceiveably no reason to have ever got back in touch...

Beamur · 17/02/2011 13:32

Whilst I wouldn't appreciate my DP dictating who I could and couldn't be friends with, if my contact with an ex was upsetting for him, then I would put his feelings first.

LessNarkyPuffin · 17/02/2011 13:34

Chill. The dog and the contact because of it obviously hasn't caused him to run back to her. You nagging him about the contact has already caused him to start lying about it. Your reaction is more dangerous than her.

I'd hate the contact too, but I'd be lovely about it. So lovely that in time it might be me answering her calls or making the arrangements over the dog

nickschick · 17/02/2011 13:35

Youll get rid of her with niceness .

My H kept in touch with a few of his exes one of them I chat to quite regularly (another was the mother of one of my own boyfriends)one was very pesty - she used to ring and say 'get xxx immediately please'.....Id say 'ok he wont be a minute hes just getting dressed you disturbed us' then shout to H 'hurry up you knew shed be ringing you its not fair to keep her hanging on you know shes fragile ......funny really she stopped ringing.

Beamur · 17/02/2011 13:37

V cunning advice!!

OnlyWantsOne · 17/02/2011 13:37

wow nickschick if DPs ex spoke to me like that after phoning my house, i'd hang up!!

nickschick · 17/02/2011 13:40

Onlywantsone ......h was a bit boastful about her 'need' for him so it stopped both of them .

Original poster

neverlookback · 17/02/2011 13:40

Such mixed opinions!
only wants one ill get my gun!!

they had no children together, something i still dont know the real reason why, dp told me that they just never talked about it, they were together around 12 years! but he mentioned she had some gyne op years ago so maybe she couldnt. maybe she is sad and jelous that he has gone on the have 2 children of his own and is also a superb stepdad to my dd 5.5.

She was seeing someone but im not sure now, she is usually sighted out round the pubs wearing totally slutty outfits, thigh lengh pvc boots for one, and she is 43.

I am insecure, and it does manifest around issues with her, i do feel like im second best as she was married to him first and she was the one who broke it off and now she seems to regret it, i do trust him and i dont think he is interested in her in anyway. i just wish she would dissappear.

OP posts:

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