no one needs an ex wife clinging on, how do i get rid of her!!

[neverlookback]

hi me and dp have been together for 4 years he split from his ex wife around 6 years ago, they have/had a dog together who lives with us but every now and again the ex wife wants to look after the dog or when we go on hol his ex mil will have the dog, this is the route of the problem but i think the ex wife has still not let go, even though she was the one who finished thier relationship. maybe its hard for her as he has now moved on and has a family (we have ds 2 and im 14 wks pg) she texts everynow and again asking about the dog or asking how his family are, and once she was saying she was going in the local and he could of bought her a drink for old times sake! when they split she kept the car and recently she was texting asking for help as it had something wrong and then about she was getting a new car and what could she get, dp ignored these as far as im aware as i have made it clear im not confortable with her trying to be like best friends, she text him the other day about picking the dog up and she had put a kiss on the end which made me furious. i know this is all very mild but i just want her to piss off and leave us alone, she only asks for the dog every 6 months so she doesnt miss her that much! the dog is 9 this year and dp has promised that once the dog has passed away that will be the end of the connection. I have asked him again and again to be totally honest with me about when she contacts him and vice versa, i dont want any secrets its a touchy subject and i need to know whats going on to be able to deal with it.
the next problem is that dp has started lying to me about if she has text or if he has text her for an easy life, but i caught him out last night (not for the 1st time) i had seen the message come through on this phone but when i asked if she had text he said no then i said show me your phone i dont believe you which he did reluctantly and she had text him 2-3 times in the last couple of day and he had replied to her twice, it was all harmless about collecting the dog (except for the kiss) but the fact he didnt tell me the truth about the conversations, now i dont know whats true and whats not. I know he only kept it from me to try and not make me upset but i just want him to be honest. I am insecure and i do feel quite threatend by her, i worry as she left him and broke his heart that maybe deep down he still loves her, maybe she thinks that too and she wants him back, when he said he was doing the divorce last year she burst into tears.
he says i have absoloutly nothing to worry about, that he loves me and is perfectly happy with me and our family.

Should i confront her and tell her that no one needs an ex wife hanging around and that she is embarressing herself and to leave us alone, or would that be me making a fool of myself??

sorry its long just wish she would go away

I can see your point. I think the fact that she dumped him is what makes it difficult for you - as he might have been happy to stay with her if she hadn't ended it.

I like Nickschick's advice.

But just wanted to add that your jealousy & insecurity is probably why he's started to hide things from you. My ex used to be extremely jealous of the mother of my kids and no matter what the issue was, she found fault. So in the end I started to just lie. Not right I know but you grow tired of arguing all the time.

Anyway, my point is that you need to keep your insecurity & jealousy in check or you end up creating a self fulfilling prophecy.

i think she is lonely, our relationship is very different that thiers was together, they did not spend that much time together were now we spend a lot of time together as a family etc, maybe she is jelous and im just like a lion guarding my man and family!
thats what i feel like anyway!

I think people have been a bit harsh, as I already said my DP has contact with his EX because of her son (not his child but he lived with him from 3yrs old until he was 9yrs and is the only father he's known). I have no problem with this but I think if she was calling him about cars and bursting into tears at the mention of divorce (he obviously thoughtfully past on this bit of info to NLB), he problably felt quite good about it after she broke his heart but I can see how that would upset a woman who is pregnant and feeling hormonal and vunerable.

Partner should think of her first even if he thinks she is being daft and end the contact.

tangledscotland kthanks for your understanding ur very correct on your assupmtions. Dp said last night he agrees her putting kisses on the end of texts is out of order, but it doesnt bother him, but he said it does bother him how upset it makes me, he said that he wont let the dog go to her again, but i know he will still want to use mil to look after the dog while we are away. I think i can like with that he just needs to be open and honest, hiding things from me is not working!
going now as ds has woke, ill come back on later and see how much more ive been slated!

you sound really bitter and quite unpleasant actually.

Did she really leave him? or did he leave her to be with you? Because your reactions sound to me like those of someone who has reason to be insecure - I've seen those reactions from women who started out as the ow.

His ex wife left him 2 years before they got together wannaBe

I don't think the Op sounds bitter and unpleasant at all. i really can't imagine any woman being happy with this situation.

I feel for you.

However, I dont think you have anything to worry about. I am happily (ish [grin) married with 2 children and my ex was an idiot, I dont even like him but we had a cat and I felt obliged to keep in contact with him about him.

It was always me texting him (girl thing?) about the cat being ill, the cat missing him and finally the poor cat passing away.

I think I was just a bit bored and in a stupidly naive way wanted to say "friends" espite not being interested at all, and much preferring my new life. I guess some people, maybe especially women (?) find it hard to let go. Or I am a wuss?!

I think sometimes people like to say horrible things just for the sake of it begonyabampot, a bit :( really

"she is usually sighted out round the pubs wearing totally slutty outfits, thigh lengh pvc boots for one, and
she is 43."

"our relationship is very different that thiers was together, they did not spend that much time together were now we spend a lot of
time together as a family etc, maybe she is jelous " .

really? perfectly natural reactions?

The op is clearly looking to find fault with this woman even though she is the one who is married to the man. Why is that? They never spent time together - really? or is that just what the op's now dh told the op?

The more I read the op's responses, the more I am convinced that actually she was the ow but didn't want to put that here because of the reaction she knew she would get.

your insecurity comes over massively here. and would agree with niceguy, that that's why DH has become a bit secretive.
There is nothing wrong with a couple of texts here and there.
So what if she wants to cling on to your DH, he is with you now, make the most of that.
Focus your energy elsewhere
If I were you I would talk to DH about it, tell him it makes you feel insecure and you need to find a way to deal with it
you do sound a bit mean about her, but that's usual I guess. But DH did care about her once, so you might be alienating yourself a bit more there.
I would try and get some help with your insecurity.
It's not a big deal. Neither is one x at the end of a text. lots of people do that.

I think your reaction has probably made him worry about the way you behave, hence the "lies".

Oh, and neither I nor DW would put our dogs in kennels. Ever.

x

actually wannabe you couldnt be more wrong!! i was not the ow as i said they had split 2 years before we got together, he was actually the OM, i left my husband for dp. So i have had all the reactions you could imagine for that, from very close family to people who dont even know me.

do you ever actually say anything helpful or supportive when you post? maybe it would be best not to comment on posts you dont agree with?

the only fault i have with this woman is that at times she wants more from my dp than i think is reasonable, you disagree lets leave it at that then.

wannaBe, I don't blame her for getting cross, there is not a reason on earth for her to be phoning up, saying she'll be in XYZ Arms and can he buy her a drink for old times sake.

ADD to this OP is PG, so forgive her for a little hormonality (made-up word!)

The X has no business hanging around. TBH the dog ought to go into kennels or an unconnected friend needs to have it for holidays.

If OP was fine with it, all well and good, if X was behaving like a friend to the couple, I'd be fine with her floating about in some way, but this situation is not working for any of them.

Bloke is unfazed, unbothered, but aren't they always???

he has to gently cut the ties. OP INBU (I know we are not on AIBU )

if she is just asking about the dog now and again? and a kiss on a txt is more formality than a declaration of love lol

wannaBe
bit of topic, but is there usually a terrible reaction to OW on here?

Just by life experience, I'd have thought a lot of the people with exDH/XH (or whatever we call them)might have been the OW in one way or another.

From my own experience, most men that have left wives have usually ended up in singleton relationships relatively shortly afterwards, rather than spending years being "single".

Is that unusual? [OK, sample is largely white professional guys 30s-50s; mostly with existing DC]

just adding that on the couple of occasions when i have bumped into her she stares and stares at me and then texts dp straight aways saying " just seen your woman" she knows my name, i knew them vaugly for years before any of this.

See thats just not on and ex is clearly jealous if she is texting him after seeing you, I mean what is the point?, in my experiance when friends have worried about situations in a relationship they have had reasons to worry, I still dont think it's your OH's problem although he could have be more sensitive and possibly not shared as much about his feelings for ex in first place! If EX had said do you and your other half want to join me for a drink that would have been different (this has happend to me before) but she didnt and I think she's playing games

Op. I really do sympathise she sounds annoying and exes are always an emotional minefield ... BUT for your own sake you need to take control of your response and let go of the image of her as a threat. He is your husband now and given that you can't eradicate her from the earth I think you will feel a lot better if you eradicate her from your mind.

You are allowing your feelings about this woman to poison your mind and worse your relationship. Be calm and accept her as a mild irritant - and cut your husband some slack re the ocassional text from a long term ex.

She is probably jealous - just be glad you are in a loving relationship. Don't let this anxiety spoil it

Have you been a whinyarse about this throughout your marriage, or has it only started recently? Because if so, it's PG hormones and you will probably be able to shrug it off. If you have been kicking up about this woman and slagging her off for four years then your H is either a very patient and sympathetic man or is getting a little bit of ego-stroking from the idea that women are inclined to fight over him and compete for his attention.
But the only way to deal with a situation like this is to swallow a large cup of grow-the-fuck-up, be charming and civil and trust your H as he is not doing anything wrong.

it's true that when someone leaves your from a longterm relationship there is a little bit of pain and sadness for the love you have lost that never goes away.

but this is NOTHING compared to the love you have for the partner who is with you now.

believe me you have nothing to be insecure about. the fact she left him is a good sign. it means he is the faithful party, the person who knows his own mind, for whom love isn't a fickle emotion but a longterm commitment.

and he has made that commitment to you.

you should be smiling inside that this lovely wonderful man has chosen to spend the rest of his life with you and thanking his ex wife for being such a stupid cow she walked away from it.

let him have his occasional texts and camaraderie over the dog.

don't be the jealous loon he has to keep secrets from.

go and apologise for being so in that past and tell him that it's your issues and that you don't want him to feel he has to keep secrets from you. you trust him.

Neverlooknack - the fact that your relationship with your husband started out as an affair , it is no wonder that your whole demeaner screams needy and insecure: wannabe was not far off the mark.

However StuffingGold is spot on - he is with you. Be civil and trust your husband. If you feel you can't (because you know he is capable of carrying out an affair) that is your and your husbands lookout, not his Ex- wifes.

Pregnancy hormones do indeed turn your brains to mush at times.

Go easy on your husband. There is nothing in what you have said that indicates he spends most of his free time with her.