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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship with in-laws and starting a family

39 replies

conquita · 16/02/2011 22:46

I need your expert opinion ladies! I read recently on another thread how you should consider family issues when making a decision on having children with your partner. Family issues regarding the in-laws etc. I am 38, my clocks ticking and I am in a quandry whether I should be having children or not.

My in-laws are particulary 'full on' shall we say and I know that if I were to have kids they would never leave me or partner alone. I don't know if this could work out to be a good or a bad thing.

Right now, I am able to have a choice on when I see the in-laws. My partner visits them every single weekend without fail. I tend to not tag along sometimes, albeit I know this is frowned upon by them, but you know, I have other things to do at home. But if I were to have children, this 'choice' of when I see them would most certainly change.

I am not saying this is the only factor making me wonder if I should have children or not with my bf, but it is one of them, and I believe one that needs to be considered strongly. Or...am I completely wrong and being selfish?

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 16/02/2011 23:30

OP is your dh tied to the apron strings still? seriously, is he an only child or something, he sounds quite full on with his parents for a man in middle age personally, was he like this when you got married?

Squitten · 16/02/2011 23:37

Crikey!

Well, he can't force you to go to your ILs, children or no. Have you asked him what he would do about that if you did have kids?

Original poster

conquita · 16/02/2011 23:39

He is the oldest of 4. His mother does smother him and his siblings shall we say. But as I have mentioned before, I am independant of them, and choose whether or not to be involved. I can pick up the bad vibes from his mother so easily when we just pop in for a cup of tea and I turn down the offer for dinner and staying the night etc.

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 16/02/2011 23:40

Why does he allow his mother to smother him, he is a grown man with a life of his own?

Original poster

conquita · 16/02/2011 23:43

I guess it is what he is used to I suppose. He does not see anything wrong with it. So I just accept him for what he is, and get on my own life. The important thing is, is this a bad start to starting a family with him?

OP posts:

MummieHunnie · 16/02/2011 23:44

Only you can answer that op!

Is there something else other than the frequency of visits and the smothering concerning you?

perfectstorm · 16/02/2011 23:45

You need to have the conversation with him before you even think about kids. So, so many women here have terrible situations with their DHs assuming their own parents remain the primary family unit, and every weekend is only okay if it's okay with both of you. One weekend a month would frankly be a lot for many families.

If a couple divorce, the non-resident parent only gets every other weekend because it is accepted that weekends are the high quality family time, and both parents deserve a share of that. If you go to his parents every single weekend, when do you get any high quality time together as a family unit? You don't.

IMO you really, really need to talk it all over and set out what you'd both be happy with before you have kids. I don't think it's about right and wrong, but I do think it's about bearable and unbearable.

reelingintheyears · 16/02/2011 23:48

Do you love him?
Do you want his children?

You are a grown up now and can stand up for yourself and work out different relationships.

Original poster

conquita · 17/02/2011 04:59

Yes I do love him. I am not sure if I want children with him though.

I am a very independant person and can feel suffocated by the attention I get from his parents sometimes. My family live in another country, so I am here by myself.

I just don't want to go ahead and have children and it then change the whole dynamics of our relationship in a negative way [which I KNOW having children will do anyway] but does it make the relationship suffer more issues more by having inlaws that want to be involved so much.

I guess I just looking for answers from those who felt in a similar position to me prior to having kids, and then had them, and the experiences they gained from it. It may be good to have inlaws that are willing to be there all the time perhaps?

By the way I am basing my experience on the inlaws and their involvement in grandchildren from the way they are with his brothers children.

OP posts:

Original poster

conquita · 17/02/2011 05:00

sorry about the grammar. I should have proof-read this before hitting send.

OP posts:

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/02/2011 05:17

Rather than anticipate what life would be like if you had children, have you and your partner talked about this? Does he want children? If so, sit down with him and discuss what his expectations re: in-law visits and grandparental involvement are. Because what will make or break the situation, should you go ahead and have children, is whether he will back you up or side with his family in disagreements.

Original poster

conquita · 17/02/2011 05:26

Thanks for all your responses. They are very helpful.

Tortoise - he does want them, but it is not a major issue to him, he can take it or leave it. He is older than me and I think he always resigned himself to the fact he would not have them [before we got together he had not had a relationship in over 10 years]. So it is not like we talk and talk about it. I just wonder if I will regret it when I am older if I don't have children.

But I do believe he will consider the amount of involvement with his parents as fine and I will be the one who is over-reacting. This is how it is at the moment, just planning his 40th birthday with his mum was a nightmare. It is all about her you see, and keeping her happy.

As I have mentioned, I am able to take a back seat now and let them behave how they want with their son. But if we have children I won't have the freedom.

OP posts:

billybunter · 17/02/2011 05:45

If you really wanted children this MIL situation would be a non issue surely. You wouldn't let it put you off, especially given you haven't got that many years of fertility ahead by age 38.

Sorry if I'm oversimplifying, it could be because I've only had about three hours sleep due to my baby.

Which brings me to another point, children keep you so very busy (and tired) bad vibes from her will fade to insignificance as you get on with your family life.

Decide what you and he want and go for it.

newtotheplanet · 17/02/2011 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

exoticfruits · 17/02/2011 07:14

I would talk to him about it first and work out whether you and a DC would come first and what boundries would be in place. Best to get it sorted first than drift and be unhappy.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/02/2011 07:32

conquita

You and he need a serious talk along the lines that perfectstorm has suggested.

There are red flags re his relationship with his mother; its not emotionally healthy. She is smothering him (I have seen direct consequences of that and its not at all pretty because she has not allowed him to grow up). He allows that to happen because he has been conditioned by her into accepting it and knows no different. Also keeping her happy seems paramount as well. Overinvolvement by inlaws is a power and control issue so you need firm and clear boundaries in place over what is and what is not acceptable to you from them.

Who is his primary loyalty to - you or his mum?. It should be you. As his partner as well if you remain unmarried if and when you have children your rights are very much limited. Does he want to marry you ultimately?.

Insufferable people like this more often than not become insufferable as grandparents; she will start on them to get back at you given the opportunity.

TangledScotland · 17/02/2011 08:04

I think the first thing I would do is tell my OH that I want every other weekend to inject some fun into my life before I have children, when you don't have children you should be having nights out and weekends away.

Work on your relationship first get that into a healthy place and talk lots about you expectations about coming first in your OH's life. The most important part of this is you have to be confident that he will back your corner and not side with MIL when you make choices about things.

It's time for him to cut the apron strings, if that ultimately means you have to move further away from them before any children are born, so be it.

PukeyMummy · 17/02/2011 08:09

OP, well done for realising that the PILs might be more of an issue once you have children. My DD was the first grandchild on both sides and I had no idea how much more we would be expected to see both sets of parents as a result. Even my laid-back parents get upset if we don't have at least a monthly visit.

My MIL is also overbearing. In our case we have been lucky that my SIL had a child around the same time, and my MIL has been very involved in helping her (at her request). So she just doesn't have the time to be round at our house all the time.

We've struggled with it since DD was born. Luckily DH is in agreement with me about how often to see his parents, so he and I sit down and look at dates every few months and then try to take the initiative to plan in some time with them, at least every few weeks, before we get the pressure from them the other way.

It can also work to your advantage. My own parents babysit for us every now and again but never overnight, whereas PILs take DD overnight in a heartbeat, and will travel halfway across the country to help us out. Also when your children are older, you can send them with your partner to his parents whilst you get some rest - particularly useful once DC2 arrives and you have a new baby and a toddler on your hands.

If you bear in mind that the PILs only really want to see your other half and your children, not you necessarily, you can use this to your advantage. You don't have to go too, and it doesn't always have to be at your house.

Where this is especially tricky is in the newborn stage, when you are particularly hormonal, possibly breastfeeding, and they will be especially excited to see their new grandchild. Hence the rash of recent threads on Mumsnet about clashes with MILs over new babies.

But the really important thing here is that your other half is in agreement with you about his parents, because if not it's going to be very tough.

Good luck!

MummieHunnie · 17/02/2011 08:45

From the information in your latest post, the family of your partner sound very unhealthy, he also sounds very emotionally unhealthy from the information you have given in your post. Toxic parents can be withdrawn or smothering, I am not sure which is worse. If your oh does not deal with his issues, yes he has them also, then he will become a toxic parent to your child, who will also have toxic grandparents and you have no family to support you around, if things get nasty the courts will not allow you to leave the country with the child to be with your family. Rather than worry about having children or not, my main concern if I was you, would be to go to couples counselling and let them see that the relationship your oh has with his family is dysfunctional and hope that he will want to go into therapy. I think that there is a chance that will work, it will take time and your biological clock is ticking, there is also no guarantee that it will work.

Just to let you know, there is not one chance in hell I would have a child with a man with those types of issues personally.

OneMoreChap · 17/02/2011 08:57

Interesting.

You're 38; you say he's older... how old are his parents?

You can see he may end up being dad - and carer for his M&D...

My exDW assumed that every weekend at her parents was fine; yet another reason she's exDW.

comixminx · 17/02/2011 09:14

Surely it's the assumption that every weekend is fine that's a problem, not so much the wanting to see ones own parents regularly? I agree that seeing your parents every weekend is pretty full on and not something that allows much room for you to enjoy that high-quality leisure time with your partner. But in the OP's case, her partner has had a long time as a single man who had time to stay close to his family: in many cultures that would be an accepted and normal thing. In the UK it's seen as smothering, but in Brazil you'd be expected to be much closer to your family than is the norm here. Sometimes this means that I feel my Brazilian mum is a bit smothering but generally I'm happy that our family is close-knit.

I did feel though that I had to work this out with DP in the early days, nt so much when we were discussing kids as just generally. I think you also need to discuss this further, not just before deciding whether to have a family but also as others point out in case of other possible developments in the future, like having to care for aged p's.

yomellamoHelly · 17/02/2011 09:14

Tbh I dont think his parents should affect your decision to have a children or not. You should do it (or not) for yourself / yourselves.
Then once you've decided on that you agree how you will be as a family unit and therefore how much his parents will be around/involved.
FWIW when our children arrived dh was moved to second, then third, then fourth place in their affections / attention and openly says that they don't ever come to see / speak to him.

brass · 17/02/2011 09:16

I think you already know the answer to your question.

It does sound very suffocating and you would certainly be outnumbered as it were.

exoticfruits · 17/02/2011 09:27

You should certainly sort it out with DH first. Half the MIL problems on MN wouldn't exist if they had worked out boundries first with DH and PIL, rather than just let it drift into a situation that they were not happy with. You are being very sensible.

Cazm2 · 17/02/2011 11:36

Hi I do sympathise with you. My husband is very similar. I have been with him 14 years - we are both 30. my FIL died over 6 years ago. but he has always been tied to his mothers apron strings and it has been very difficult and still is very difficult. MY MIL is very emotionally controlling of my husband. He feels like he has to call in to her house, phone or text every day. My SIL is 26 and still also very reliable on my DH.

It has caused numerous problems between us as the whole relationship is not unhealthy i dont feel. I understood initially when FIL passed away as MIL was obviously lonely etc etc but now she is very much involved with lots of clubs etc and is never in! It has been the black mark in our relationship and at times very difficult to deal with as i fight a loosing battle sometimes.

i often wondered what would happen if we had children and who my DH would put first then I dedcided that actually i love him and want children. As it happens I had a MMC in November last year so it was taken out of my hands.

i suppose it really depends on whether you feel that your relationship is solid enough and also whether you DH would back you up with regards to children.

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