Relationship with in-laws and starting a family

[conquita]

I need your expert opinion ladies! I read recently on another thread how you should consider family issues when making a decision on having children with your partner. Family issues regarding the in-laws etc. I am 38, my clocks ticking and I am in a quandry whether I should be having children or not.

My in-laws are particulary 'full on' shall we say and I know that if I were to have kids they would never leave me or partner alone. I don't know if this could work out to be a good or a bad thing.

Right now, I am able to have a choice on when I see the in-laws. My partner visits them every single weekend without fail. I tend to not tag along sometimes, albeit I know this is frowned upon by them, but you know, I have other things to do at home. But if I were to have children, this 'choice' of when I see them would most certainly change.

I am not saying this is the only factor making me wonder if I should have children or not with my bf, but it is one of them, and I believe one that needs to be considered strongly. Or...am I completely wrong and being selfish?

I had this situation and didnt question the MIL's position (interference). We agreed we wanted children and have a beautiful little 4 year old now.
However our error was we should have laid down our bounderies from day 1 and talked about things when they where not to our requests. My HB is a mummys boy to in fact the apron strings are not long enough and he never wants to upset! But despite this he does agree with all our current probs.

Advice do what YOUR heart says and if children is the answer lay down the bounderies/requests/etc in the early days with Mil, and hubby b4 pregnancy.
The Mil will not like but at least she will know from day 1 where you stand.

In some ways, having children is a perfect time to reassess or put in boundaries regarding all family.
I think that this needs to be discussed between you and dh first and agreed on, looking at what life would be like if you had none in place and had children.
He needs to assert and communicate any boundaries to his family and do so in a way that shows he has decided and even if he has reservations, to not share this with PIL, to show a united front.
(If you do have children, may I suggest revolving Christmases. One with PIL, then own parents, then on your own.)

I don't get why some posters are putting the blame on their mil's and not looking to their grown men/partners who have seem to have Mummy issues.

some of the blame is with the sons and I have put this to my husband who to a certain extent agrees however. the majority i would say is with the mil who cant let go of their precious sons and use them as an emotional crutch.

after all arent your children conditioned into what you make them?

Such a sad thread really.

I see my MIL every day.. and my husband sees her almost every day. Because we want to. Not because we feel we should do.

Surely seeing your mum once a week is reasonable for a bloke. FFS you only have one mother.

Yes Caz, children are conditioned, adults are responsible for correcting their own dysfuctions and not to carry on that behaviour if they are made aware, so in effect if it has been pointed out and nothing has been done, then the partner is the one to blame!

Squeaky, lucky you, not everyone has such wonderful parents as you sound like you have!

well your MIL must be better than mine LOL it has been pointed out and not corrected. half of it comes from the fact her children were smothered from such a young age ie not left with anyone not left alone

squeaky, it depends what's "normal" for the DIL and her family. For the OP, she says she is independent and accustomed to being so. I also come from an independent family and we don't see each other that often, but it doesn't mean we love each other any the less. My DH comes from a co-dependent family (he is the exception).

The two styles of family do not, IME, go together very easily (and the focal point is the MIL/DIL relationship) unless both parties understand each other with the son/partner acting as the intermediary.

In our case, my PILs are trying to make it up to their kids (including my DH) for prolonged absences in their childhoods due to FIL's job.

But they've gone (way) too far the other way. Luckily for me, DH recognises what's happening.

Many thanks for your responses to this. You have certainly given me food for thought.

In my heart I know it would be a big mistake to have children with him right now. I cannot express enough how smothered I feel and the guilt also I feel whenever I leave his mums house. For example on Xmas day, we were about to leave his parents house, it was 9.30pm and I needed to get home so I could call my family. His mum started to ask why don't you call from here? why don't you stay the night? I felt really uncomfortable with all the questions, and the looks she would give me. I worried about this for 3 days afterwards. At the time my partner stood there with me and did not back me up, his other siblings were there also.

So you see, we may be adults here, but he and I, are still treated like co-dependants. And like I said earlier, I have a choice of not accepting this in my life.

The major worry also is the feeling of being trapped if I have his children. I don't know how this will come across to those reading this, but I can't think of any other explanation.

I think that you need to go with your heart.

I think you've answered your own question really. You are right not to want to have children if everything doesn't feel right. And if you are worried about feeling trapped then it definately isn't.

Thanks everyone.

For a long time I wanted my MIL to drop dead - quite literally! She caused so many problems when we had our first child. When we visited to announce our pregnancy MIL ran out of the room in tears! She said me being pregnant 'rubbed salt in the wound' because she and her second husband left it too late to have children, although she had 3 sons with her first husband.

Thus began several years of psychotic behaviour and manipulation. I almost had a breakdown when my first child was a few months old because, just like in those very frustrating films and dramas, MIL was being awful to me in private and perfect in front of family. Everyone thought I was exaggerating and being paranoid. She refused to following feeding, sleeping instructions for our baby and would cry if she didn't see baby for 4 days! We even joked that she probably spent her time with our baby trying to breast-feed her! I could go on ....and on ....and on...but eventually her true colours finally showed through and I was vindicated.

The moral of the story is that mothers (especially of sons for some reason) can be possessive and desperately jealous when their child 'replaces' them. Maintain your sense of reality, try not to let strange behaviour bother you (GOD it's hard!)and don't rise to the bait. Some MILs want to discredit their DILs. Don't give them the opportunity. Like anyone, MILs will lose interest in goading you if you don't give them any ammunition and act as though it isn't happening.

Wow Loooosie [hope I put enough O's in there!] how are things now with your motherinlaw?

I have heard my bf's mother speaking about how his sister in law's mother (who is Italian) makes her youngest grandchild shudder whenever she 'schreeches' at him. Whereas he much prefers to be with her as she speaks very quietly and softly. She is very much the type of woman who believes she is right in way shape or form. They lived in the UK for a while and her opinion from that is that British women do not cook home made food. That is fact, and that is the truth.
I cannot take the risk of having this woman treat me in a derogatory way. Which is inevitable really.