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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do you come to terms with the fact that what was once so wonderful and loving, is now so toxic and hateful?

37 replies

SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 18:43

I know its over, really, deep down, and has been for a long time. I still love him, or i love what we had. 20 years is a long long time, and most of them so very special. We have the most adorable 5yo DD who idolises her daddy. This is will break her heart, but how can i carry on with this when its only going to get worse.

How do you get past that, if your relationship has gone sour, its not that i have come to realise that DP is a bastard, he isn't, he really isn't. But life and business and money worries have finished us - how do you get over it? Im not even sure i know where to start, how to breathe, part of me has died.

No good discussing ins and outs really, blame, its on both sides.

What now? practicalities seem irrelevant almost. People survive divorce - but i thought we were different you see, we had the perfect love and it would be forever. Im 40,unattractive and have no career. I try and think about our/my future, i just see nothing, a void, nothingness, black, dark dark.

So tired

OP posts:
roadtrain · 16/02/2011 18:49

Life can be stressful. Many people feel like you so go easy on yourself.

What I would advise you to do is to really consider yourself divorced seriously. It is easy to say that you would be better off etc and it is easy to think that is actually the truth in your own mind. I am saying this because I felt similarly to you (married 10yrs) and then my DH had an affair and walked out. Whilst he was away, both of us realised that it was wrong for us to be apart and we have tried to put everything back together. Perhaps I am projecting my situation onto you, but I am just trying to say that thinking something can be really different to the reality.

You may be better off apart, but you don't think he is a bastard, which to me, means there is some hope.

yomellamoHelly · 16/02/2011 18:59

Can you try and look at this objectively? List pros and cons of staying together and separating. What does your (singular) future look / feel like if you stay / go? Is there anything you can plan / do to change the pro / cons / future?
You say your daughter is 5, so I assume she's at school. Is part of this because you've got your day to yourself now and have time to realise what you do / don't have. It does sound to me like you need to have a plan. It might make you feel better about yourself for a start which may change your perspective on your relationship.

create · 16/02/2011 19:11

I agree with yomellamohelly, the first year your DC (or youngest DC) is at school is really hard on a SAHM.

You suddenly have all this time, when you've been used to being constantly busy, which can be great, but also gives you time to think and time to stew on things that aren't right. I know 3 families (from a fairly small circle) where parents split in the first year their last child was at school.

It sounds like you still love him, but would like things to be how they were. You now have the time to arrange a few things to try and achive that.

What does DH think?

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:12

oh smoeone please hellmm e i dont know what to do

OP posts:
create · 16/02/2011 19:14

P.S. for self-preservation's sake you need to find some "useful" things to do outside the home - the old fashioned remedy of keeping busy to solve all ills does help.

I volunteered ith an environmental charity, but is could be anything really, even a project at home or in the garden etc, just something other than regular housework, to give yourself a sense of achievement, that doesn't centre on DD as she's not there so much

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:22

he wont answer his phone, he has cut me off, im sooo scared, i cant hold it togehter, trying to do dinner for DD, just want to scream, he is miles away, i dont think he is coming home, worried he might do something stupid, please help me

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:23

No, its over no good trying to find things to keep me busy, ive ruinded it, i cant do this, i want to die

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:24

please someone help me please

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/02/2011 19:24

just do dinner, put your daughter to bed and then sit down and calm yourself down a bit first of all...

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:25

i cant i cant i cant, oh god, what hae i done

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:25

everything over i just want it all gone

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/02/2011 19:26

what on earth has just happened in the last half hour to bring all this on... calm down... please.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:26

I want him, i need him now but he wont answer phone, switched off, i dont know where he is, he oh, fuck, help me

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:26

i cant breathe

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 16/02/2011 19:27

yes you can breathe.. but just calm it down... your daughter is there with you..

nobody can try and help when you are panicking like this....

and we do want to try and help

pickgo · 16/02/2011 19:29

I think you are panicking Sunshine.

Calm down... nothing is different to yesterday really... just how you feel.

So stop thinking for a bit. Put your DD to bed. Make a cup of tea and calm down.

Then come back and tell us what has gone wrong.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:31

he has gone, not answering phone, i said vile things, im worried about him, i cant get in touch with him, im so so scared what have i done what have i done what have i done

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:35

anyeone help me find him please

OP posts:
innocent-21 · 16/02/2011 19:38

Sunshine I really think you need to contact someone in RL who can come round and help.

Who can you call?

We are here for you too but don't know how best to help.

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:41

no one, theres no one

so scared keep trying his phone, one keeps ringing, other switched off, im worried, hes done something stupid

OP posts:
innocent-21 · 16/02/2011 19:46

I have said vile things to my DH this happens in relationships it does not mean he has done something stupid. He probably wants a chance to let things calm down and give you both a chance to think about things rationally.

Now, how long have you been trying to contact him? My DH has gone "missing" whereby I couldn't reach him on the phone plenty of times. Each time he has been at the pub.

I'm sorry you can't ask anyone to come round and help you - what about phoning a friend or relative?

Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:47

anyone, please

OP posts:
Original poster
SunshineisSorry · 16/02/2011 19:49

there really is no one no one at all, dd still up, im just about holding together, the only hope i can have is that he is still in clients, he put phone down on me but it ight be one in his van, as it was on charge but its ringing andd ringing , i cant find clients number to see if he is still here, its so late - he so stressed, ive pushed him to far, im terrified he might kill himself, seriously

OP posts:
realrabbit · 16/02/2011 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

pickgo · 16/02/2011 19:54

Oh dear SS this sounds very dramatic!

Get DD into bed and then come back and tell us what's gone wrong properly.