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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is this just the start?

32 replies

howdidthishappentome · 16/02/2011 18:37

last night my husband and me were arguing and he punched me, it didnt hurt that much but was done it such anger it has truly scared me? i got up this morning and went off to work like normal but something in the back of my head is telling me this is not right. i know a man should never hit a woman trust me i'm not stupid but i kind of dont know what to do next?

OP posts:
heathcliffswife · 16/02/2011 18:38

Did he apologise, how did you leave it??

Changing2011 · 16/02/2011 18:39

yes its the start. Get out. X

Original poster
howdidthishappentome · 16/02/2011 18:42

i asked him to leave but he wouldnt go couldnt kick up too much fuss as our daughter was sleeping and i couldnt risk waking her. he apologised yes. he is still at work so i havent had to see him today.

OP posts:
Clarnico · 16/02/2011 18:50

How long have you been together?

Before now, has he done any of the following:

pushed you
blocked your path
held a door closed
held you so you couldn't move/get past him
thrown something at you
thrown something not at you/punched the wall/hit something/broken something in temper

pickgo · 16/02/2011 18:51

If you want him to go you can ring the police. Believe me they will remove him if you want them to. Or you could change the locks while he is out, he has given you the right to do that by being violent.

For support and advice get in touch with one of the organisations in the guide at the top of this thread. They will help you deal with the shock and support you emotionally and practically.

I'm afraid this is just the start and for the sake of you and your DC you should try and think about your future without him soon.

Take care.

Clarnico · 16/02/2011 18:53

Oooh it looks complicated.... [a bit dim]

Clarnico · 16/02/2011 18:54

GAH wrong thread

sorry!

Blush

Ignore 'Ooooh it looks complicated' but [a bit dim] still stands

Blush
Original poster
howdidthishappentome · 16/02/2011 18:57

8 years. this is the first time he has hit me full on in a temper like that. he has blocked my path previously too and smashed the phone in a rage. he also pinched me 2 weeks ago while we were out my arm, it bought a tear to my eye it hurt so much and left a bruise. i know i sound stupid but i feel like this has only just started happening recently and as thought it is happening to someone else not me.

OP posts:
notremotelyintofootie · 16/02/2011 19:00

You need to write down everything like this that has happened... Do you have money so that you could escape if you need to? Do you have somewhere to go? The ideal would be for him to leave and yes you can get him moved by the police, talk to womans aid for advice asap.... This is escalating and you don't want your dd to become a victim too!

TobyLerone · 16/02/2011 19:03

Yes, you need to get out. No question about it.

UltimateFucker · 16/02/2011 19:03

Contact Women's Aid. Their phone number is 0808 2000 247. They will be available to help and advise you or simply just to listen to you.

Original poster
howdidthishappentome · 16/02/2011 19:07

i have a very supportive family but i dont want to tell them yet as i dont know yet what to do and i know once i tell them there is no going back. but when you put it like that i would never want my daughter to become a victim. i have no money but the house is in my name alone so he would have no choice in the end.

OP posts:
flippinpeedoff · 16/02/2011 19:07

you poor thing. Please get out. I wish I'd had the guts to. I just kept hoping it would stop. Well it has stopped, but I am scared and we will be splitting soon.

Original poster
howdidthishappentome · 16/02/2011 19:08

by the way thank you for all your advice and comments i so needed to get this off my chest

OP posts:
Original poster
howdidthishappentome · 16/02/2011 19:09

flip are you still together then?

OP posts:
Clarnico · 16/02/2011 19:13

Yes, this is the start.

he will get worse for as long as you're with him, I would imagine.

Sorry. Sad

But get out while you can - no one deserves this treatment and your dd must be protected from it. And by that I mean she must be protected from seeing you abused and assaulted, not just from being abused and assaulted herself.

Please report him to the police - even though it was a day ago. At least call them and Women's Aid etc for advice.

Original poster
howdidthishappentome · 16/02/2011 19:28

I really cant see myself reporting it to the police at this point sorry i know what your saying makes sense though.

we have been through so much in this relationship and i mean sooo much - more than most experience in a lifetime i feel as though i am old and i am only 29. my head is spinning he has supported me through some bleak times i dont know what to do.

OP posts:
Milngavie · 16/02/2011 19:33

Please get rid or get out.

Your DD will witness this and become a victim herself.

I would phone the Police, they can support you and will also have your name on record so that if/when you need them in the future they will know that you have previously reported him.

AgeingGrace · 16/02/2011 20:37

Yes. I'm sorry. Blocking your path, smashing household objects, holding down and pinching are all forms of violence. You seem to be experiencing a classic escalation I'm afraid. Now he's gone on to hit you, he will try it harder next time and the chances are well over 50/50 that he'll also be violent with DD.

I know it's horrible. It used to put me into a weird sort of 'unreality' that lasted until he apologised - always very sorry - and I pushed it to the back of my mind. These days I'm off as soon as anyone shouts in my face; it's Step One. I am aware that people can occasionally lash out in impatience, be massively shocked by their action and never do it again. Your husband's assault wasn't 'sudden', though. He's been building you up (down) to it.

Awful shock. Do, please ring Womens Aid as they'll be able to help you get a calm & clear perspective. Good luck.

caramelwaffle · 16/02/2011 20:48

Yes it is the beginning of a very abusive relationship.

pickgo · 16/02/2011 20:50

how did this happen
You are in shock. This can last for weeks. It's not physical shock (although you might have that after being hit/pinched/threatened) but psychological shock. It is common to go in to complete denial and disassociate what has happened from the husband you know. To be in this state is mental torture and very confusing.

If you contact Women's Aid or the Domestic Violence helpline they will support you and help you deal with this shock.

Your H's behaviour is unlikely to just suddenly stop and you can already see a pattern of escalation in its early stages can't you?

You may well not be ready to act in any way (this usually takes quite a bit of time) but please for your own sake and your DDs get some support. You don't have to cope with this on your own.

dontdillydally · 16/02/2011 20:54

what was your argument over?

IS there any pressure/stress that could if tipped him over the edge

Original poster
howdidthishappentome · 16/02/2011 20:57

yes i do agree i am in shock i feel like i cant admit it to myself it would break up my whole life as i know it and i'm not ready to do that if that makes sense. the argument last night was over sex he wants it every day i dont and i cant face it just to please him. He is under stress and pressure yes in different forms.

OP posts:
AgeingGrace · 16/02/2011 20:58

If stress tips someone 'over the edge' into physical violence, ddd, it doesn't matter what triggered it. Violence is still violence.

Original poster
howdidthishappentome · 16/02/2011 20:59

and yes i will ring womens aid thanks for the advice grace i cant do it now he will be home shortly

OP posts: