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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister wants to stop XH from having shared contact, but this could all be about to change.

45 replies

FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 17:19

I have namechanged for this as my posting name is the same as it is on FB.

My sister is now divorced from her H. They have two DCs together, she has two older DCs from a previous relationship (he was killed in an RTA) and XH has four from a previous relaionship.

They were married for less than a year when they got divorced, after a rocky relationship to start with.

He has mental health issues and was/is emotionally and verbally abusive towards my sister, doesn't work or support his DCs emotionally or financially.

He had full custody of one of his other children, which he has since lost after said child was involved in an accident, whilst under his care.

He has been accused of sexual abuse, for which he was arrested but no charges brought as there was no evidence to back the accusations up.

He is now saying that he will go for shared care/access to the two children he has with my sister.

I have had a conversation with a friend today, who is going to a meeting this evening as I understand it, about the proposed changes for family law, the abolishment of Legal Aid within the family court, and making Shared Access 50/50 a law, regardless of circumstances.

So in other words, her abusive ex, will be allowed to have their young (nearly 2 and 3) children 50% of the time and she will no longer be entitled to Legal Aid to try and stop this happening.

My friend sent me this link - here

Does anyone else know about this? Is there anything that she can do?

Sorry, not sure if this should be in legal really. Blush

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 17:23

shared care does not have to mean each parent has a strict 50% share,neither does it mean it will ba a standard arrangement for everyone....merely a starting point,putting each parent on a level field

abuse towards her....not impacting on dc

mental health issues?? can you prove these??

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 17:24

that link is pointless,sorry

AMumInScotland · 15/02/2011 17:37

My understanding is that 50/50 shared access is just the legal "starting bid" - the court will take the circumstances into account, and decide on what they think is in the best interests of the children. The change is that there is no assumption that children ought to stay with their mother unless she's terrible, but that each parent is considered fairly.

If his mental health issues make him a risk with the children (either deliberately or by neglect or carelessness) then the court can require supervised access. But she has to show this, not just "bad mouth" him.

Original poster
FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 17:38

Why is the link pointless?

If she goes to court with him and states he has mental health issues, can the court request his medical records from his GP?

He was treated with medication for depression and anxiety following the death of his mother (understandably Sad)

How is his abusive behaviour not impacting on the DC?

Surely, if they/he are/is rowing, shouting at her, the DCs will hear/see it?

I'm just trying to find out if there is anything she can do if he gets shared care.

She scared of what might happen to them whilst they are in his care.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 17:39

stay with their mother????

no,no,no.......primary carer....whoever stayed home to provide daily care,the 'at home' parent......lets not assume 'mother'!!!

Original poster
FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 17:41

I know AMum - no mud slinging, facts.

I agree that if he there is no 'reason' proven as to his competance, then he should see them, supervised or otherwise.

She's scared he'll go for full custody too. Especially as he did that with one of his other DCs and got it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 17:43

Yes it was their mother. Even though he didn't/doesn't work, he'd spend the day with his family, in the pub or in bed.

She had no support from him apparently. I wasn't there the whole time so can only go off what she says.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 17:44

firstly,this link was posted here before,this week,trying to get us all onboard with this campaign.....so pointless,cafcass do their best

domestic abuse isnt aimed at the children so courts view it as a separate thing

depression.....not going to happen,trying to maintain depression is a barrier,you will be laughed out of court

dc can be handed over in third party handover....no need for parents to meet for further incidents

forensic psychiaric asessment is whats neede to get med records.....very expensive,and in extrme cases where its more than 'depression'

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 17:45

mother comment was aimed at a muminscotland

Original poster
FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 17:49

ILove - so sorry Blush, I had no idea about that link being posted before. Sorry.

I had no idea re the abuse thing, I thought that if it was happening in the DC's home, then it would be taken into account.

See that's what I said to her about a contact centre or our parents (they live near her) could be involved. He could see them there or collect them from their house.

That way, she doesn't have to see him.

I think part of this is her demons too. She's scared of him, so it presents as she's scared for the DCs.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 17:52

yes,of course it does,that was me also once!

if it goes to court can she claim legal aid?

Original poster
FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 18:17

Me too Sad

Yes she can claim Legal Aid. In fact, she has a court date not long from now. It's to discuss the DCs and access.

I guess that really, if he isn't abusive towards them then she can't stop him seeing them if the court decides that he should?

What about payment? Can the court make him pay money for their up keep if he's not offically working?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 18:23

if on benefits its £5 a week.....but through csa,NOT court.....courts dont deal with maintenence at all

but csa may rule less as he has other dependents

earwicga · 15/02/2011 18:43

Thanks for the link FakeyNortherner. I hadn't seen that site before. The Chisholm Report makes sense, especially the bit that says parents are favoured over children.

Do you have any more information wrt the situation in the UK?

GypsyMoth · 15/02/2011 18:45

theres a campaign or something somewhere earwicga

AMumInScotland · 15/02/2011 18:47

Tiffany - sorry yes, I slipped into cliche mode there with "mother" Blush

Original poster
FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 18:50

He is on benefits, not sure if she's gone down the CSA route or not as yet, but she's getting nothing at all currently.

No idea re any more info earwicga, I was sent the link by a friend today to pass on to my sister. Smile

Thanks Tiff for your help and advice so far...... I just want her to be okay you know?

Been in her shoes so I know how hard it all is.

Luckily, we came to an arrangement out of court in the end so I'm not sure how it will work for her.

OP posts:
JuJusDad · 15/02/2011 18:52

If by crossing out officially you mean he works, but cash in hand, CSA can only look to get maintenance from his benefits.

CSA can only work from pay slips, benefits or published accounts - there's little to nothing they can do about cash.

earwicga · 15/02/2011 19:05

I don't know ILoveTiffany. I didn't know that this was even being considered by this government. I'm wondering if this is something to do with Frank Cunting Field.

It would be great to hear back from the person at the meeting - FakeyNortherner's friend.

Original poster
FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 19:09

JuJus - I know Sad, cash in hand = he's not working.

OP posts:
JuJusDad · 15/02/2011 19:13

Another quick thought - if you can't afford solicitor and legal aid's no go for whatever reason, try to find a McKenzie Friend - that could be someone who's been through it all before, or someone who is a friend who can help you during the proceedings.

Original poster
FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 19:14

earwicga - she is going to email me when she gets home. The meeting was at 6.30 but I have no idea how long it will last.

As soon as I hear, I'll post it on this thread Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
FakeyNortherner · 15/02/2011 19:14

Not me JuJus - my sister but thanks Smile

OP posts:
mamatomany · 15/02/2011 19:21

So let me get this straight if a child witness' DV it's cause for social services to be involved even if between the parents, but it is not reason to stop unsupervised contact between the abuser and the children ?
How is that right ?

earwicga · 15/02/2011 19:25

mamatomany - it is truly shocking what men can do to their partners and children and still women are forced to hand over their children to these abusers. The alternative is to go to jail.

Obviously it isn't always that way round, as women are also abusive - usually in lesser numbers though.

JuJusDad - thanks for the mention of McKenzie Friends as I'd not heard of them either.

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