Sister wants to stop XH from having shared contact, but this could all be about to change.

[FakeyNortherner]

I have namechanged for this as my posting name is the same as it is on FB.

My sister is now divorced from her H. They have two DCs together, she has two older DCs from a previous relationship (he was killed in an RTA) and XH has four from a previous relaionship.

They were married for less than a year when they got divorced, after a rocky relationship to start with.

He has mental health issues and was/is emotionally and verbally abusive towards my sister, doesn't work or support his DCs emotionally or financially.

He had full custody of one of his other children, which he has since lost after said child was involved in an accident, whilst under his care.

He has been accused of sexual abuse, for which he was arrested but no charges brought as there was no evidence to back the accusations up.

He is now saying that he will go for shared care/access to the two children he has with my sister.

I have had a conversation with a friend today, who is going to a meeting this evening as I understand it, about the proposed changes for family law, the abolishment of Legal Aid within the family court, and making Shared Access 50/50 a law, regardless of circumstances.

So in other words, her abusive ex, will be allowed to have their young (nearly 2 and 3) children 50% of the time and she will no longer be entitled to Legal Aid to try and stop this happening.

My friend sent me this link - here

Does anyone else know about this? Is there anything that she can do?

Sorry, not sure if this should be in legal really.

mama....cos the abuse was aimed at the adult,not the dc.....have been through court with it all myself,2 years of it,and boy did i have to fight hard to ensure he got NO contact.....and that was avictory my solicitor had never seen before!!

child has a right,as per the childrens act to have a relationship with both parents....warts and all.....even prisoners can get access rights......is the childs right the court is protecting

I have to say, I think that's what is scaring her so she is looking for ways to trip him up.

She's scared he'll take them and not come back

Slightly longer version of earlier post - OP - this would be a prime example of where you can be a McKenzie Friend for your sis - you've been through something similar so have an awareness of court proceedings, and of course you know the background.

However, if you hope to be part of CAFCASS findings, then you can only be one or the other - I'd suggest you'd most likely be more use to your sister in a McKenzie Friend role.

I'd also suggest joining Families Need Fathers - they have some excellent resources for Litigants in Person, as well as general info on the whole process - at very reasonable prices.

Although be wary of the forums there - they're very pro-contact...

Thanks JuJus - will take a look.

Wow, Ilove - no contact at all where the abuse wasn't aimed at the kids is quite something. That's a serious achievement on your part.

I'm aware of horrendous scenarios where there is still face to face contact (eg: kids are taken in one car to a stop, change cars, go to contact centre. Route and cars change regularly)

If she's scared he'll take them and not return them, then look to using a contact centre you can self-refer, but since there's been DV, I'd suggest going through Social Services so that they are made to assess his parenting.

Meanwhile, make sure there's indirect contact - phone calls, letters, webcam for example - that way your sister cannot be accused of witholding contact.

Thank you all so much for replying....

I have to go and feed DS, be back later or tomorrow and will let you know what happened with my friend.

juju's dad,,,,,there was alot more to it.....i got a section 91(14)

no abuse towards my kids

abuse towards his new girlfriends kids,jumping bail conditions to return to them resulted in her kids being removed

he was subject to MAPPA conditions high risk to women,medium risk to children,trawled dating sites to target single mothers. signature attack....punch in the face

we had 4 dc together which he hasnt seen in 5 years now

prison for motoring offences and a fake firearm offence

numerous suicide attempts....sectioned

diagnosed with personality disorder

so yes,o abuse aimed at his dc=zero contact (not even letterbox)

Hi, FakeyNortherner!

I have just arrived back after attending the meeting at the Palace of Westminster, I will post again in a little while.

For now, my main concern is the ignorance that is concerned regarding domestic abuse with the decision makers, who come across as well meaning people saying all the right things, and there is a lot of brushing under the carpet of the issue imho! It looked to me and the lady I was attending with from the Rights of Women as if they are not fully aware that the Family Court's are being used as tools for abusers.

There is lots to report back on shared care, no law has been made, what the pannell were discussing will be presented to all parties and made law.

I noted that nrp's all Fathers on this occasion, were very well represented, I would guess about 20 and many spoke and asked questions. I was the only resident parent present, normally there are none! So if you don't like the way the law is being made, you need to make yourself heard, put up or shut up really.

I have gone right off FNF now that I have written up the notes on his talk as part of the pannell, after seeing their head and his idea's, some of which make me want to vomit!

I will post more in the morning!

You do all know that on 6th April 2011, you will be forced to mediation with your former abusers before a family court hearing, FNF support this and much more! Apparenlty FNF feel assured enough to state tonight, that an abuser or someone with mental health issues will be picked up by the mediator including psychopaths/narc's/sociopaths/antisocial personality disordered and the like!

Right I really am off to bed now!

it all depends on the abuse, how much in front of children how they were involved etc. depression in itself not a problem if controlled - aggression and violence yes.

your sister needs to present facts and if there are sufficient facts to warrant it then propose supervised contact at contact centre and clearly express the concerns.

if no concerns for children in his care then contact order can specify third party handover to avoid confrontation between her and ex.

how much is hearsay? how does she know about the sexual abuse accusation? how much is recorded about him losing residence of the other child? what does she really know about this?

she needs to get hard facts to present to court eg the times she has called police, or SS invovlement.

in my case i had police reports plus SS involvement and it was not difficult to get supervised contact from first court hearing - a sympathetic judge helped (one who said he could see that the incidents reported to police were probably not isolated; a second judge (female) was much less sympathetic aand was far more leaning towards "the other parent needs contact whatever your problems between you". so it can depend on a judge -which is why hard facts are important)

then CAFCASS were involved too in writing a report. despite CAFCASS report focusing a lot on "her anger" (mine - at his beahviour - unsurprising really) and "his anger" she did recommend supervised contact. there was then a lot of evidence of him not making regular contact due to MH issues and this distressing the DC etc. so - the MH issues were impacting on DC. so final order is for upervised contact "unless otherwise agreed".

look if she has good reason to put forward a case for supervised contact for now eg contact centre - then she just needs to put it all down for the court and stay calm about it. any evidence eg texts, emails, police reports will help her case.

she needs to stick to email contact with ex, not get engaged in arguments, and keep all his emails. if he "threatening" her with "custody" etc (it isnt custody its residence) then this might be evidence of him trying to use the DC against her.

getting supervised set up wlll a) buy time and b) show how much ex is prepared to put himself out for his DC.

if it all goes well there will be pressure to move to unsupervised. which is what happened over here - but has now gone to pot due to his agression (this time towards DD) rearing its head again.

if her ex can actually be a caring loving dad then no, his abuse towards her wont come into it... she has to present it in a way which shows children need security of contact centre at least initially.

mediation - well if a good mediator then yes they might spot when an abuser is abusing the system. depends wholly on the mediator. if she has to go thru process she will ahve to and try and remain calm then write up what happened in mediation and try and get mediator to sign the report....

shared access is not yet a law and the reality is courts do have to look at individual circumstances.

another reality is she MAY have to go with what court decides eg high level of contact unsupervised - then keep careful journal and then act immediately eg calling SS if things not going well for DC and they distressed/neglected. it is a hard road...

CestlaVie

Thank you for your post. "how much is hearsay? how does she know about the sexual abuse accusation? how much is recorded about him losing residence of the other child? what does she really know about this?"

She knows about the sexual abuse because it was their daughter . SS and the police were involved, along with CPU. He was arrested and their DD had to have tests/swabs done.

The other child was his DS from another realtionship. No 'proof' of that I'm afraid, just what XH said to my sister.

LadyBB

You survived then? Sorry I missed you last night, thanks for finding this and posting. I'll look forward to hearing more!

i think on that basis she has sufficient concerns to ask for supervised contact . but what contact is there at the moment?

if the accusation has been long gone and since then he has had unsupervised and free acess and the DC have been fine - then she cant suddenly turn round and want supervised without good reason?

if there is a regular schedule for unsupervised acess and overnights with him right now and it is all going fine - then he would have a basis to ask for shared residence.

He doesn't see them at all, she refuses to let him into her house or take them to our parents for him to see them there.

I'm sure that's not going to go down well when they get to court.

The accusation was last summer. He has not seen their DCs since and maybe because of that.

I'm not sure where that leaves her.

was there already a court order for contact?

if there was no court order then she is not breaching it.

if there was a court order - she can say she ahd "reasonable excuse" due to the child welfare concerns.

he is entitled to seek contact with his children at court.

she can present her views and evidence to say why she concerned and to propose proper supervised contact at a contact centre.

she might also present her views as to why contact at grand parents isnt suitable.

she should research local centres already via

www.naccc.org.uk/

she should speak to the SS involved at the time of the accusation and speak to them about the concerns as they will be involved anyway if CAFCASS asked to do a section 7 report.

liekly scenario is -
he applies to court
she gets summoned to present her views
there will be first intial hearing.
she can say she has concerns but proposes supervised contact at xxxxconctact centre in order to ensure childrens safety and buld up contact slowly due to lack of contact previously
judge orders interim contact at xxx centre pending CAFCASS report
CAFCASS get invovled and interview both parents, other witneses other people invovled get police reports etc
contact centre reports on how contact is going

next hearing to review...

etc.

it is long process - i had first hearing oct 2008 and final hearing december 2009 resutling in court order for supervised contact - in between times there was contact centre contact then it went onto supervised contact outside contact centre with "adult both parties agree to".

hope that helps.

if she has valid concerns she should not be worried - he hasnt been seeing the chidlren and he isnt going to suddenly get given residence at this stage - it wont be in "best interest of the children".

50/50 makes more sense if family is together and no welfare concerns and H and W split up for toehr reasons eg affair... given teh anture of the accusations she has reason to eb concerned about their welfare.

she needs to start writing her views stating her concerns for welfare of children and stating what she considers is "in the best inters of the children" eg slow build up of contact, supervised due to the concerns etc

and also because of abuse to her, third party ahdnovers etc.

if she shows she is willing for children to start to see their father so long as it is safe ie contact centre supervised and reported/recorded contact to be taken back to court later then she will be ok.

she needs to get out of panic mode and think logically and calmly about how to present the concerns and get CAFCASS/judge etc alongside - bearing in mind likely outcome will be supervised contact at a contact centre for now .

she needs to keep all text msgs and emails from him and not respond to them.

I've just called her to ask where she is up to.

They have had the first court hearing, to present the 'facts' and she has included his mental health issues, which the judge threw out, and the sexual assult/abuse case, which he has kept and asked for all evidence of this.

XH was there and said that my sister was behaving unreasonably towards him, it's all lies, he's not abusive etc etc.

He counter argued every point, which she knew he would.

They are due to go back in March (date to be confirmed she said) to hear what the judge has decided re access/custody of the DCs.

Thanks for all your links CestLaVie - I will pass then onto her.

I guess it's really hard to prove anything if he has only been abusive towards her at the house.

No one to see or hear him.

Need to go out but I will be back later, hopefulyy to see what LadyBB has to say about last night.

Thanks for all your replies ladies (and gent)

Oh, BTW - she keeps everything he sends, letters, texts, records her phone calls etc....

i doubt there will be a decision on residence in march - unless i her favour - as there needs to be regular contact with the Dc first!

as i said, i applied for residency in august 2008 - first hearing was october 2008 - final decision on residency was given in december 2009.

(residency application automatically means contact issues are considered)

if the leters texts etc are abusive then she can present these.

it is contact and residency

-- not custody and access btw.

I agree, I didn't think that they'd finalise everything in March.

I'm guessing the next date will be to request XH to have access , supervised or otherwise, won't it?

Yes, it takes months/years to finalise.

I'm wondering if XH is going to go for residency or not... I think he's threaten too.

Who knows.

Right, I really must go on!

Be back later, thanks again CestLaVie - your experience is really helping, I can pass it all onto her.

Spoke to my sister last night after passing on all the links and advice here, she sends a HUGE thank you.

Apparently, he has been sitting outside the house in his car (not taxed/insured etc) so she has report him to the police, been given a FWIN (?) and told to keep a written log of when he's there or drives past.

She has also reported him to DVLA.

LadyBB - so, how did you get on? What happened?