Is this normal? Row with parents/family.

[NinkyNonker]

I ask because dh is shocked but to me it seems normal.

A week or so ago my sister came to stay, we get on ok but dh isn't her greatest fan. Our parents treat us very differently and she is often very rude to me and I just take it as would be to blame if I didn't.

Anyway, she lied about something and he called her on it. Very calmly (he is very laid back) and tried to talk to her about it. I was upstairs putting.g baby to bed. She flipped and stormed off. I tried to talk to her, she tells me it'll take a long time to get over, I didn't point out that she has been far ruder to me in the past.

As expected, my father phones me the next day to let me know what he thinks of me. (I'm 30, SIS is 27, dh is 37.) Apparently my sister is the good one, I've always been trouble, have to sell the flat he helped me buy 5 yrs ago so he can give it to sis instead as she never expects help, I'm ungrateful etc etc. Dh is deceitful, he had hoped he would have learned some manners, he's always had doubts about him etc.

For once I stand up for myself and tell father that he must be living in cloud cuckoo land if he truly thinks that of me and my sister, he has it all backwards. Tell him I won't have him speak about my lovely husband like that. This isn't popular, he goes on to tell me I have lots of undesirable personality traits that the family have had to 'come to terms with'. All because my adult husband and my adult sister had a falling out. The conversation ended on a polite note. I email that eve regarding arrangements to sell flat.

The next day a hideous email appears from father going back over the nasty stuff he said before. Shocked, I reply again stating my position. Pointing out we were adults and didn't need him trying play patriarch. (Worded better!) Pointed out I had offered to sell flat numerous times and they always said no so to now tell me I was selfish to have it when sis doesn't have one (she has been a student for over 8 yrs to put off finding a job and is only in country a few months a yr.)

Later on, he phones me, nice as pie. Mother tells me this is his version of an apology, I know this as he has always been like this, worse in fact. But I am cross, dh is furious. I tell them a real apology is due, to both of us, and that whether or not someone gets on with my sister is not the measure of their personality. It is implied that we are being precious to be angry. A grudging apology ensues. Peace reigns. As per usual I now have to tiptoe around playing the jolly one to keep everyone happy, but deep down think this can't be right.

So, my question is this (apologies for length of post)...is it normal for families to do this to each other? Or rather to one member of a family? I feel like my sister is the one the family revolves around, my father is borderline abusive in his attitude and my mother is lovely but very passive aggressive, emotionally blackmailing. I feel totally under pressure the whole time when I want to build a life with my husband and daughter.

For info, I have much more I could post (starting cbt to try to deal with anxiety and other issues) but really need an outside perspective. Am I over reacting to find this attack on one child hard to deal with?

Opinions gratefully received!

Hang on a second. Your parents gave you the money for the flat as a gift and intended to give your sister the same when the time comes. Now the time has come they can't afford to give it to your sister so you have to give back your gift so she can have it?
That is ridiculous. If their house is mortgage free they can easily take a loan out on it for your sister. If they are that dead set on giving her the gift then that is what they should do.
i know refusing to sell it will release a shit storm down on you from them but to be honest you are never going to please these people anyway. If they are going to be constantly critical and unhappy with you, you might as well draw it upon yourself for protecting your own interests.
Tell them you have taken some advice on the issue and decided not to sell . You understood that the money was a gift and the you are within your rights to do this but as a gesture of goodwill you will repay your dad the amount at a rate of x per month. As soon as you can pay him off do but in the meantime set up a direct debit for the amount and then move to Devon and get this crowd out of your life.
Seriously DO NOT SELL THE FLAT.

Tell them to sod off. You can give your sis half of what they gave you, adjusted for inflation, when you can afford to (maybe start saving?)... if you decide to. Not because they bully you. It was a gift, not a collar and lead! Why in hell should all the cash you've put into a flat, that you only bought because your father pressured you into it, go down the drain now because they want to punish you because your sister is being vile?

This isn't normal, but sadly it's very common. I think some counselling for you, so you can feel less guilt about asserting yourself, might be really useful.

I'm sorry your family are so insane. Trust me, I know what it can do to you when you're to blame for reacting to someone else's intolerable behaviour. Sadly that is the way a lot of families seem to function.

What you all say is true. My sister does thrive on being the victim, and for some reason my parents have always felt sorry for her. Dh and I have often said we feel they are actually her worst enemy by trying to be her biggest supporters, they 'validate' her 'woe is me, I hate my job, am always single' stance by feeling sorry for her, thereby making it true and her feeling like there is something wrong...if you see what I mean? They'd be better off giving her a loving boot up the bum.

Take this whole scenario for example, by getting angry with us and sympathising with her they are telling her that yes, there is a problem, Ninky's Dh doesn't like you and that is bad and wrong, instead of telling her that it isn't a big deal, get over it. This means on her head it is a big deal, we've rejected her etc , and now she feels bad, if that makes sense.

She is in limbo anyway ay the mo, she just did 3 funded yrs at university (post another 4 yr degree) which tied her into a 3 yr contract. She's only 6 months into it but wants out, which will prob mean ££££ but of course the parents are in support of her, feel sorry for her etc. Which is cool (but imo she has responsibilities and should try to meet them) but I know from experience that were I in her shoes the reaction would be very different.

I am very glad to be me and not her, the roles are odd. To the outside people would see me as 'the golden one', eldest, successful etc. But in terms of how our internal family dynamics work it doesn't feel like that.

Not sure where to go from here, seeing Nhs CBT lady tomorrow so will have a chat with her.

Ps, I very much like some of the metaphors/similies in here, 'cut snakes' and 'drama llamas'... I'll remember them!

I am sorry you are going through this.

I would go and book yourself for some therapy, for yourself and your child, I would also look at other relationships in your life including your dh, what was he thinking starting a row with your ds when you were out of the room? When he knows the family dynamics? Is his family of origin dysfunctional also?

Dh is aware of the dynamic but it hasn't 'flared up' to this extent before. It has always been low level stuff. It wasn't intentional, raising it when I wasn't there. He went out to walk dogs before anything happened, while he was gone I left sis so I could put dd to bed. He came back while I was upstairs with her, sis started with her woe is me, and he said he didn't believe her. So it wasn't like he went for her, or waited for me to be out of the way or anything.

He certainly didn't expect her to strop off, or the debacle that followed. His family are polar opposite of mine, very chilled, undemanding, mutually supportive. His mother keeps a list of who is given what to ensure fairness, even down to putting £10 in a card for 6 mo old dd because her Christmas present was cheaper than the other grandchildrens'. She is almost too far the other way, emails to see if is ok to call as she doesn't want to interrupt!

Granted we don't know any of you or anything of your situation beyond what you've posted, but this doesn't strike me as something that can be laid at the door of your DH. He is not compelled to walk on eggshells around your sister just because your parents do it or expect it.

Ninky what you say about your parents feeling sorry for your sister rings a bell. My PILs are like this with SIL. To them, she is always more sinned against than sinning (even when berating people like an angry fishwife) and somehow in need of protection. M DH is always expected to fend for himself and told 'You'll be alright'. There is little empathy or emotional bond with him.

It may be some instinct about what their children are like but it is just as if not more likely to be a matter of perception or situation the parents have themselves created. Of course, you don't have to have the same kind of relationship with her as they do or take her at their estimation.

It is very difficult. In my DH's case refusing to do that ended in vitriolic abuse from SIL and a complete breakdown of the sibling relationship. It really was all or nothing for SIL. FIL just thinks DH should apologise. He keeps saying SIL is 'all on her own', but cannot see that is because she is incapable of sustaining relationships with anyone but him, essentially.

I hope you have more luck negotiating a better relationship.