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Original poster

How important is honesty in a relationship? (I'm referring to the white lies)

38 replies

RitaLynn · 15/02/2011 11:27

I met a good friend of mine for lunch the other day, and she's been in a new relationship for about 5 months, and she had had a conversation with her new man about honesty.

She had argued that a relationship is based on trust, which itself requires honesty. My friend and I have absolute honesty, which can mean telling her her new haircut looks awful.

However, her new man said he thought white lies in a relationship were essential sometimes, e.g. to tell her she looked great when maybe she didn't, etc.

I'm not sure who I agree with, but I'm erring towards the man. I think the long-standing friend of fifteen years is different to the new partner. I'm not talking about the big lies here (the cheating, the hiding money, etc), but the white lies. That said, the logic of absolute trust based on absolute honesty seems solid. I thought I'd ask people on here.

How important are white lies, especially in the early days of a relationship?

OP posts:
Theonlyexception · 15/02/2011 11:31

Very, very important! And they should continue throughout the entire relationship. The day I want to hear my dh tell me that my bum looks like a bowl of jelly is the day Micheal Buble will arrive at my door and declare his undying love for me Grin

Original poster
RitaLynn · 15/02/2011 11:34

But if your bum does look like a bowl of jelly, can you trust your husband? Is there a slippery slope?

OP posts:
Joony · 15/02/2011 11:51

Everyone tells white lies whether they want to admit to it or not so I don't see the harm, a guy who likes you is not going to tell you that your bum looks big even if it does, so what's wrong with it. If we all went about telling each other what we really thought we probably wouldn't have any friends.

Original poster
RitaLynn · 15/02/2011 12:06

Joony,

What do you think of the counter argument that if I tell someone (my partner) they look great, they can't be sure I'm telling the truth and they can't really trust me

OP posts:
Joony · 15/02/2011 12:11

No because as they are not sure they can't decide that can they

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 15/02/2011 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gillybean2 · 15/02/2011 12:13

I'd rather be told that actually that dress makes me look frumpy or the other jeans fit me better rather than be told I look ok. If your friend can take the truth from you then why not her partner?

And as for the 'no' response to does my bum look big in this I've never understood that... How do they know I'm not hoping for the big bottomed look and an disppointed not to have achieved it!!?

The little white lies I let go at the begining of my last relationship should have set my alarm bells ringing rather than just going with 'it's what everyone does and is ok'. That man turned out to be a compulsive liar.

Why lie about little things that don't matter? If you can do that and get away with it what big things will you be lying about too without a second's thought... Hmm

Joony · 15/02/2011 12:16

Everything in its context, if you are half way out the door and your wife asks does my bum look big in this I doubt any man will say yes it does, one, because they don't want to offend and two, they don't want to have to wait another hour on her changing.

I think this type of white lie works better for men.

Joony · 15/02/2011 12:20

But one person's opinion isn't necesarily the right one, someone else might think you look fab, really the best judge of what you are wearing is yourself.

We all tell white lies, all of the time, we are that used to it now we don't even realise we are doing it.

Being in a relationship with a man who is constantly lying is a completely different thing.

gillybean2 · 15/02/2011 12:22

Yes but if her bum looks big in then they don't have to say 'NO' which us a lie. They can say I love how your bum looks, or that dress is so beautiful on you or You look good enough to eat and I'm tempted to take you upstairs to show you exactly how it makes me feel... Or any other comment which is true and doesn't involve saying Yes/No to the question

Original poster
RitaLynn · 15/02/2011 12:24

I'm pretty clear that compulsive lying (esp. re finances and fidelity) is a complete no-no in a relationship.

Take another example - do you fancy the secretary at your office? Do you fancy the guy who comes to fix the radiators? In reality, the answer may well be yes, but caring for our partners feelings means we don't tell the truth.

I'm thinking in the early days of a relationship in particular, where neither partner can really know where things are going, how many white lies are good?

OP posts:
BlingLoving · 15/02/2011 12:25

I hate white lies. I think you can be honest, without being mean and cruel. I trust DH and his judgement so if he tells me that I looked better in outfit A then that does not make me feel that I am a fat, ugly heifer.

White lies like this can quickly escalate to excuses. And I don't like that.

However, I do think it's unfair to try to force your partner to be completely and brutally honest. It's one thing to say, "which outfit makes my butt look better", completely another to ask a loaded question like, "does my bum look fat in this".

Joony · 15/02/2011 12:27

Well if she says I want a yes or a no then they do have to and I think avoiding it by saying what you just said would confirm to me that they clearly do think it looks big!

RitaLynn, ofcourse, this is all I am meaning. Imagine if your friend who happens to have a large nose said does my nose look big with my new hair cut, how many folk reallya re going to say yes it does actually.

MrsNoggin · 15/02/2011 12:27

It's not really about lies so much as manners IME.

I found with other relationships that the ones who didn't fib a little to be nice were the ones who could also be quite rude at times. DH, bless him, naturally has very decent manners and therefore I have learnt not to ask his opinion on my clothing, cooking, etc. because I still have no idea what the real answer is! It does mean, though, that he is unlikely to offend any elderly relatives or anything...

Joony · 15/02/2011 12:31

Another great example: do you think my son/daughter is a spoilt brat?

Answer: no, not at all (but in truth yes, he is an annoying little attention seeking whining pain in the arse).

Original poster
RitaLynn · 15/02/2011 12:43

Joony, I think you're taking the position (not entirely unreasonable) that white lies are the lies that oil relationships and all social interaction. It's a position I think I share, but I see the converse opinion.

OP posts:
Joony · 15/02/2011 12:59

Yes I think they do.

If we actually told people exactly what we thought, ie:

You tell your boss you think he/she is wrong

You tell your neighbour she is an interfering busybody

You tell your partner he is getting on your nerves and boring you

You tell your friend you really didn't like the present she gave you....

We wouldn't be feeling too good would we.

OhForFucknessSake · 15/02/2011 13:09

i posted prety much this same question last year.

my EXP (EX part is relevant to this) lied very easily.i described it as the lies rolling off his tongue. he didn't even think about them. about the most inconsequential things. it's hard to think of an example but tehre were many and often and it infuriated me. i think because i knew if he found it so easy to lie about something that had no consequence one way or the other then he could easily (and did) lie about things that did matter just to save having to explain himself or save listening to me. his dad is a compulsive liar and i think for me it was important that we had total honesty because if white lies were ok then who drew the line at what was a white lie and what needed to be the truth? we had many serious conversations, ususally after a row about being totally honest and he always agreed to it from there on but he very quickly slipped back into default mode. it was self preservation to him and he couldn't help himself. in the end i realised it was how he was, he didn't know how to sacrifice something for the greater good of the relationship so it was the end for us. i on the other hand feel guilty if i 5.05pm when it is actually 5.04.

OhForFucknessSake · 15/02/2011 13:09

if i tell someone it is

OhForFucknessSake · 15/02/2011 13:12

also my best friend is my best friend exactly because she has always been honest with me. and she does it without being rude.

FedUpWithLies · 15/02/2011 13:15

I agree with Gillybean2 on this, 'Why lie about little things that don't matter?'.

I have to say though that I have a problem with my H lying so I see it as symptomatic of bigger issues tbh.

Original poster
RitaLynn · 15/02/2011 13:15

So ohffs and joony, you're taking quite diametrically opposed views here. I see what you're saying offs, logically it makes sense, but it's in practice that it doesn't (I think)

OP posts:
OhForFucknessSake · 15/02/2011 13:21

you could be right, i am a very open person and some of the things that joony listed, i am afraid to say i would be honest about. if i thought my boss was wrong i would tell them (and did), i told my EX when he was irritating me, otehrwise he was left wondering what the hell was wrong with me and why i was taking it out on him, if my neighbour is interefering where she shouldn't i tell her (i have also done this). it doesn't do me any good to let resentment about things build up. I'd rather have things out in the open so that person has the chance to change how they behave with me or not if they dont want. i also prefer people to tell me when i am out of line, or pissing people off as we arenm't always aware of how our behaviour is affecting others.

gillybean2 · 15/02/2011 13:28

I remember one time my mum bought this outfit for my cousins wedding. It was sort of taupe, silk, a flowing skirt and blouse ensemble; a perfectly nice outfit.

She tried it on and my sisters (who care about fashion) and I (who doesn't care about fashion) all agreed she looked very nice. Which she did. She asked a couple of times about the colour and we said it was fine, suited her etc...

When she asked my dad what he thought he didn't like it one bit and quite happily told her so. He said it made her look older than she needed to and he wasn't having a fuddy duddy old wife (she was in her 50's at the time).

So she went out shopping again and came back with a much more colourful, well cut skirt and jacket outfit. Again perfectly acceptable for her age and she looked very nice in it too. Dad approved of it much more.

At the wedding several of my cousins commented on how great my mum looked and how they hoped when they were her age that they would be as confident to wear bright colours and wasn't she cool and trendy...!

After that my mum continued to wear bright and colourful clothes (as she had always done in her younger years) rather than the beige, taupe, greys etc that seems to be expected for her generation/age. She even comment one time how hard it was to find nice clothes that weren't fuddy duddy and boring yet suitable for her age group.

My dad could have toed the line and said she looked nice in the first outfit (which she did). But by being honest with her it gave her the confidence to really think and choose items beyond the 'normal' things women of a certain age tend to opt for.

At the time my sisters and I thought my dad was being harsh and should have just said she looked very nice. But in hind sight I'm glad he was honest with her.

Original poster
RitaLynn · 15/02/2011 13:42

Gillybean,

That's a good example where telling the truth was better, but I think it's a very mild example. What about the darker things that go on in peoples' minds? For example, last night when we were having sex, I was thinking of the man who fixed the car, etc.

OP posts:
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