How important is honesty in a relationship? (I'm referring to the white lies)

[RitaLynn]

I met a good friend of mine for lunch the other day, and she's been in a new relationship for about 5 months, and she had had a conversation with her new man about honesty.

She had argued that a relationship is based on trust, which itself requires honesty. My friend and I have absolute honesty, which can mean telling her her new haircut looks awful.

However, her new man said he thought white lies in a relationship were essential sometimes, e.g. to tell her she looked great when maybe she didn't, etc.

I'm not sure who I agree with, but I'm erring towards the man. I think the long-standing friend of fifteen years is different to the new partner. I'm not talking about the big lies here (the cheating, the hiding money, etc), but the white lies. That said, the logic of absolute trust based on absolute honesty seems solid. I thought I'd ask people on here.

How important are white lies, especially in the early days of a relationship?

OFFS: I too am a very open person and it depends on the context, you obviously felt you could tell your boss what you honestly thought and your neighbour etc without causing a negative situation or a come back, what if you knew your boss for two weeks and the same for your neighbour, would you say it then, I doubt it.

I bet you anything you have pissed someone off and they haven't told you, it's human nature. Sometimes telling the odd and I mean odd, as in on occasion a white lie is actually saving you from any backlash and saving the person from hurt feelings.

Gillybean2: if your mum had confidence in what she had bought she wouldn't have paid attention to what your dad said but she obviously valued his opinion more than any of yours so good for him and good for her but again, everyone has opinions, esp on fashion, doesn't mean they are right and you are wrong.

Ahha now we get to the truth of your question! ;)
Well Rital I assume your dh isn't asking for your opinion as to last night and if you were thinking of him at the time. I guess you don't have to say anything about it because you weren't asked...?

Personally I don't think this would arise for me as I've always been thinking of the man I'm with in those situations. Never been interested in other men when I've been in a relationship with someone. In fact I've know a relationship is over when I started to look at other men in that way again.
I'm not married though so I speak from the view point of a single lady. Guessing there are other considerations when you are married as it's not so easy to move on :)

Gilly,

This isn't a question I'm faced with right now (not sure how DH would react if I did say that for example), but I can see where my friend's new man is coming from. We all have darker opinions and thoughts that occur in relationships and telling the truth might have quite significant consequences.

oh yes i absoloutely must have pissed people off without them telling me. i am not saying everyone has been honest with me. just that i prefer if they are.

WRT knowing my boss or neighbour only a short time, yes i would still be honest with them. that doesn't mean being rude. tehre are ways of explaining things without being rude.

your point about saving yourself from backlash, is exactly how my EXP justified his white lies to himself. i would rather take the backlash and have the person dealing with my honest feelings than have a 'happy' (false) relationship with them based on lies.

OFBS: does it matter if you piss someone off and they don't tell you, esp if it say a colleague at work.

You would really tell a new boss they were wrong? It's okay to think it but it doesn't mean you have to voice it.

Same with a new neighbour, maybe they are a busy body but again, do you have to tell them, even if it is not in a rude way, sounds like an awful lot of effort for nothing to me.

I am not talking about your partner telling you lies, I couldn't be with any man that lied to me then justified it by saying they didn't want a backlash.

Sometimes, in certain situations you are better to keep your thoughts to yourself, that is all.

I don't think you should lie.
I do think you should choose your truths.
I don't think you should ever ask a question, hoping for a lie!

"Does my bum look big in this?"
Don't ask unless you really want to know, ask "How does this look?" instead.
Possible answers:
"It makes you look sexy - Could you try a different top with those trousers - It looks a bit tight, are you comfy? - I prefer the blue one - Do you like it?"

"My PFB can be such a brat."
Possible answers:
"It's hard to get them to understand sharing - I know, mine's the same, what methods are you trying - Why don't you get him to come over here and do something else?"

"What are you thinking about?"
Possible answers:
"How hot you are - I love it when you do this - Why? - What are you thinking about? - I'm imagining sex in the garage!"

If you ask a yes/no question, you're specifying one of two answers. If you can't handle one of them, don't do it

if the boss being wrong is affecting business, yes tell them. if it is affecting me personally yes tell them. if busybody neighbour is affecting me yes i tell them. if affecting someone else it is up to that soemone else to tell them or not. if i have pissed someone off without knowing i would like the chance to apologise and adjust my behaviour so that it doesn't happen again.

But I never said it was affecting the business or yourself, just that you had a different opinion and I think when you first join a company it's a bit rude to disagree, that is all.

Again, I didn't mean the busybody neighbour was affecting you, it would probably be more of an irritant than actually having any effect on your life.

We all piss people off some time in our lives, it's no big, deal, I think you are taking this all too seriously.

As humans, we all lie, it doesn't mean we are bad, sometimes telling the occasional white lie can be out of thinking in a good way as it saves someone'e feelings, would you really tell your five year old kids they were shit at sports day? Nah.

no neither did i, i said "if it was" then i would tell them. if it wasn't affecting either me personally or the business then no i wouldn't. same for the neighbour. you understand what if means yes?

i am not taking it too seriously, it is just who i am. i tell people the truth and prefer if they are honest with me. it isn't about taking anything too seriously.

can a five year old child be shit at sports day? really? or can they just be not as good as they wanted to be? can they struggle to keep up with their peers. if my son didn't do great and asked me how i thought he did (he is 5 BTW) i would tell him honestly. i would also stress that if he felt he did as well as he could then how he did was of no importance.

You said before you would tell them, you never mentioned if it was affecting you or business, that was my point, if course in that context a lot of us would speak up and tell the truth.

I think I am honest too, and most of my friends and family are too, my point is we have all told a lie at one point in our life and it probably had little or no effect on us or the person who was lied to, if anything, it probably made them feel good rather than bad.

As a mother myself, I have had occasions in my daughter's life (she's 25 now) where I have lied and told her she was brilliant at someting when indeed she wasn't, so what, big deal, that is why I think you are taking it all too seriously.

There is no need to ask me you understand what if means yes - bit of a childish comment there or can you not bear someone disagreeing with you, it is alright for us to agree to disagree and on that point, let's end it there.

i think the #does my bum look big in this' comments are affirmation from the partner that you look good

now if i ask dh if i look good and he says no, i go back appraise myself - and then either change - or think he's a fuck wit

WHAT I DON'T DO is end up in tears becuase his praise and affirmation of me is so fucking important

if i look good - honey i know i look good

it really annoys me that women aren't allowed culturally to just know this.

anyway think ive gone off topic somewhat

"if the boss being wrong is affecting business, yes tell them. if it is affecting me personally yes tell them. if busybody neighbour is affecting me yes i tell them. if affecting someone else it is up to that soemone else to tell them or not. if i have pissed someone off without knowing i would like the chance to apologise and adjust my behaviour so that it doesn't happen again."

this is what i posted

"But I never said it was affecting the business or yourself, just that you had a different opinion and I think when you first join a company it's a bit rude to disagree, that is all."

this is what you replied.

you can see my confusion as to whether you understood what if meant as you clearly ignored it in my post.

of course we have all lied. i haven't, at any point, said i have never lied.

it may have made you DD feel better to be told she is wonderful when she isn't. it makes me feel better that my dcs hear the truth and can work with that rather than believe something about them that isn't true and continue thinking they have already achieved something they have yet to do.

we have different ways of parenting, i dont think that gives you the right to judge me as taking it too seriously, just as i haven't judged you for lying to your DD.

OFBS: I wish I could adopt your name, it's seems rather appropriate right now, haha.

I never told her she was wonderful, I told her she was brilliant when in fact she wasn't, she was adequate, so yes, our parenting styles are certainly different.

Custardo: great point, totally agree.