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Original poster

Childless friends being a pain!

29 replies

WriterofDreams · 14/02/2011 14:08

Before having DS I read about people losing contact with childless friends once they had their first baby and I could see how it would happen but hoped it wouldn't happen to me. But now it does seem to be happening :( I'm 28 and most of my friends are single and childless. Since having DS only 6 weeks ago I can already see a gap opening between me and a few of my oldest friends, due mainly to the fact that they don't seem to understand at all what having a baby is like, which I suppose it to be expected. Very few of them even sent a card on the birth of DS, which is a bit disappointing but not the end of the world. It just feels a bit like they're not interested.

Two of my friends rang me at 11 O clock one night when I was trying to catch up on some sleep and laughed when I said I wasn't able to talk to them. I was so tired and annoyed that when I hung up I cried :( Apart from the rudeness of ringing so late I could at least have expected some sympathy when they woke me up couldn't I? One of those same friends sent me a one-line email complaining that I don't email him enough. Em hello? A bit busy? He could easily ring me at a sensible time, or god forbid actually send me a proper email? These two friends live in a different country but my local friends aren't much better. One in particular keeps ringing up to meet up with me and then seems surprised when I say I have to sort DS out first, as though I could just walk out of the house and leave him. It's like these friends resent that my time is now taken up by a baby, which is just so childish and makes me want to not bother with them. Surely I could expect them to respect the fact that I'm busy and tired and not to expect this sort of "Oh you're letting me down" attitude?

OP posts:

MsHighwater · 14/02/2011 14:11

Have any of these friend been round to visit you at home - where they would presumably see some evidence of the monumental change to your life that your ds unavoidably is?

It might help. I don't think anyone can entirely appreciate the effect kids have on their parents lives until they see it close up (though your friends do sound a bit self-absorbed).

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 14/02/2011 14:16

Two of them live in Ireland so they haven't been round but the local one has. He seems to think that because I'm on maternity leave I can drop anything at any time and come out with him (he's doing a PhD so his days are very flexible). He doesn't seem to appreciate that getting DS out of the house takes time and I can't just meet him on a minute's notice. Also the last time he suggested going out I suggested a baby-friendly place so I could bring DS and he said "Oh no I don't want to go there" and suggested somewhere else that is totally unsuitable for babies! It just pisses me off as I know if the tables were turned I'd be a lot more considerate.

OP posts:

RudeEnglishLady · 14/02/2011 14:22

I think its par for the course. Example: My friend can't remember my son's name - I don't know who is in his band anymore. Both are subjects dear to us but we are grown up enough to not stress about it and still enjoy chatting.

If you want to keep the friendship you might have to calm down a bit and be the bigger person. Ask after their stuff, don't expect them to be interested in or appreciate babies and motherhood and you may be pleasantly suprised that they do start to ask about stuff.

I got some new mummy type friends to do kiddy stuff with and still enjoy the non-baby chat with old friends.

And enjoy your baby! You'll be all wise and sage by the time they get round to having theirs.

fishcakefoxtrot · 14/02/2011 14:34

I have lots of sympathy for you. I was the first one in our group to have a baby and it is really hard. My friends would suggest that I come into town to meet them after work for drinks (with dd). One told me that another mutual friend, whose partner had a baby the week before, was having a lovely time 'pottering around' on paternity leave. People really are clueless as to how busy a baby makes you.

Re your PhD friend, could he not come to you? If you would like to see him, tell him that you would like to get together but that getting out to a cafe is hard at the moment, and get him to bring the biscuits! Or maybe he could help you to get out of the house?

Before long things will get better, getting out gets easier and the good friendships will survive.

lospollos · 14/02/2011 14:38

This feeling is common , have you sat down with them and told them how you feel?

I had this issue and on discussion they were genuinely sorry,

GnomeDePlume · 14/02/2011 14:39

I'm afraid that friendships do change when DCs come along. I lost contact with friends becase I had DCs earlier. Some of these friendhips do come back later but some are gone for good. I'm afraid it is about growing up and changing priorities.

ThePosieParker · 14/02/2011 14:40

They do sound rather immature, mine were the same. Me having a baby was a non event, but when they had theirs the whole world had to stop and these weren't even the ones that actually gave birth.

SenoritaViva · 14/02/2011 14:45

This is common, they'll catch up one day. In the meantime, get equipped with some friends who are parents. Send the one liner email a longer one back about how busy you are and that, since he's such a good friend, you know he'll understand that your emails are pretty sporadic. You just need to be firm etc. Also, with your PhD friend, invite him around, then suggest a walk and have him witness what it is like to get out of the house. He might appreciate it more.

I'd be furious if anyone rang me at 11 o clock, even before children! Definitely tell them this is not ok.

Mirabelle77 · 14/02/2011 14:48

It is really hard, but before I had my baby I had no clue how it would change my life, so you can't expect others to understand fully!

Invite your friends to stay that's what I have done, explain you can't go to certain places anymore but suggest a baby friendly place that will be better for you.

When they have a baby they will find out all about it!

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 14/02/2011 15:35

Thanks guys, it's good to know I'm not alone, although it still makes me a bit sad :( I feel quite let down by some of them really. PhD friend wouldn't come here, it's too much hassle for him I think I will send an email to the other friend though as I think he might get the message. I luckily have made some mum friends who understand, but I don't want to lose these friendships especially the ones that I've had for nearly twenty years :( Like some of you have said it's probably best to wait and things will get better.

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cestlavielife · 14/02/2011 15:48

it is only six weeks - in two months time when baby more settled and everything seems easier you will have a better routine and can re-build the frienndships, meet them in cafes with baby etc.

email back saying "things a bit busy now but i promise that in a month or two it will be more settled and i hope we will meet up then"

noodle69 · 14/02/2011 15:55

I have a 3 year old and dont hang around with many friends with kids. Nothing changed for me after I had a child with my friendships. I used to go sit in the wetherspoons and share a bottle of wine and have lunch with my mates in the day when I was on maternity leave.

My friends and I still meet up lots, I still go out drinking with them, they look after my daughter whenever I want etc.

Having a baby doesnt mean you have to hang around with people with kids. It just sounds like these people are being selfish.

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 14/02/2011 16:39

That's great for you noodle but my friends aren't like that unfortunately :(

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brass · 14/02/2011 17:36

it's not their fault, they really don't know what it's like.

I would send an email explaining why talking on the phone and getting together is difficult for you and what life is like in general.

Don't be all precious about it. Explain times when would be suitable to talk or meet up. Make that much effort.

If they are still rubbish after that then well...

But you can't expect them telepathically know what it's like for you.

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 14/02/2011 17:43

I totally agree that I can't expect them to know what it's like, but surely any old idiot knows better than to ring a new mother at 11 at night? To be honest the more I think about that the madder it makes me. One of them did apologise but the other one sent me the one-line email about not emailing enough, no mention of having woken me or being sorry about it. I suppose in a way this situation is making me look a bit more critically at some of my friendships, as I think some of my friends are very self-absorbed and I sometimes put up with treatment that I shouldn't put up with. I mean surely it's not too much for me to expect them to understand that I have other things on my mind at the moment and any neglect of them isn't intentional?

OP posts:

clam · 14/02/2011 21:26

I don't think the problem is that they're childless; rather that they're just self-absorbed and immature.

You don't have to ditch them completely. Just accept where they're at (even if they seem unable to return the courtesy) and develop some new friendships as well to plug the gap.

A1980 · 14/02/2011 23:25

I'm childless and I would never act as discourteously as they have. As others have said, I don't think it's because they're childless, it think it's becasue they have no manners.

Not even sending a card to a good friend is a bit rude. But I think calling anyone at 11pm, new parent or childless is just ridiculous. Even withotu small children everyone has to get up for work or has had a long day. Why would anyone call anyone at 11pm unless you're teenagers or uni students.

They just sound generally rude.

FreudianSlippery · 14/02/2011 23:33

They sound really rude and inconsiderate. Some level of 'moving on' is inevitable when you're the first to have a baby, but FFS, not even sending a card?! Rude!

Can't believe you (or rather they) are late 20s, they sound so immature. I was 20 when DD was born and most of my friends were younger but they displayed none of the behaviour you describe.

By all means keep trying if you want but you'll get over this, and make some other friends too.

aurynne · 15/02/2011 00:35

For the friends who are from different countries, maybe card sending is not the tradition there. In my home country no one sends cards, and I never do myself. I have probably offended some people by it, but I wouldn't know unless I am told about it.

diddl · 15/02/2011 08:37

They sound immature/self centred tbh.

Most of my friends had babies before me & I sent cards & went round (when invited)

Have never phoned anyone at 11pm.

iskra · 15/02/2011 10:16

I've never sent a card - I don't come from a card sending family! Dp's family, on the other hand, send cards for everything, so I now know that some people have probably been offended by me in the past...

Anyway, I am still the only one in my group of friends to have had a baby & that baby is now 2.5 yrs. I think you should ease off - it's only been 6 weeks, & in a few months time you will probably be desperate to meet your childless friends for drinks & not talk about nappies or sleep training. Don't ditch them yet.

Longtalljosie · 15/02/2011 12:39

Look, if you're the first in their set to have children they're unpractised at this sort of thing. The card thing doesn't surprise me - it just won't have occurred to them in the way it will when more of them have children. I was completely shocked when I had DD and had presents from all my parent friends (they just kept on coming!) as I hadn't really gone in for that sort of thing - I mean, I had bought presents when I met friends' babies for the first time, but I hadn't posted anything.

You have a six week old baby - you're in the hardest bit of parenting. Your friends probably seem a long way away, comparing your life and theirs. But you'll become a bit more like you were, and they'll learn a bit about what this is like, and hopefully you'll meet in the middle

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 15/02/2011 13:00

Thanks for the lovely post Josie, made me feel a bit better :)

OP posts:

TryLikingClarity · 15/02/2011 17:42

Congrats on your little baby, WriterofDreams :)

I feel your pain! I had DS one year ago and I could list off a few friends who I haven't seen for dust. They did send a card and did come up to visit us when he was a newborn, but since that I have rarely seen them.

I get invited out to different events but get a look from them when I say I have to check if DH and I can get babysitter etc.

Some people are self-absorbed and have no idea what parenthood is like AT ALL.

Try to focus on your LO, still very young. In a few months time, maybe 4-6 months from now things will start to get a bit easier.

madonnawhore · 16/02/2011 11:37

While from what you've described it sounds like your friends are being a bit selfish and inconsiderate, I just wanted to say that it's hard from the other side of it as well.

Two of my really good friends had a baby (with each other) and we hardly EVER see them now. Phone calls and emails go unreplied to for weeks, sometimes months. Apparently they found it really hard once they became parents and complained that they never saw anyone any more but for my part, I stopped calling and emailing and inviting them to things because they just never acknowledged me. After a while I couldn't take the rejection!

Same with another friend of mine. I make an effort to call or text her at least once every couple of weeks, just to check in and try to make a date with her. She does get back to me eventually but it's always after 2 or 3 days. I get that she's got a baby now and her time is totally monopolised but it's hard for us singles left behind too.

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