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Original poster

think fiance has changed his mind :(

32 replies

vegetariandumpling · 14/02/2011 13:08

hi I'm a new poster but hv noone else to talk to about this in rl.
I just got engaged at Christmas, my fiance kept asking over and over but I finally said yes. Then I waited a few weeks before I told everyone. Have now in the last couple of weeks just got round to telling almost everyone I know, and now I think he's changed his mind.

He's living in another country atm. Normally even when I'm busy I try to call him at least once a day. For the last couple of weeks everytime I call him he says he's busy or too tired to talk to me Hmm or he's still half asleep when I talk to him so convos aren't very productive (fair enough). But I can tell he's in a bad mood, and he gets annoyed with me, but if I ask him what's wrong he gets even more annoyed and then says he's too tired/busy to talk.

Last week he didn't call me for several days, and the worst part is he changed his phone number and didn't tell me. And noone in the country has my number, so if God forbid anything happened I wouldn't have anyway of finding out as there's noone I can call. When he eventually called I wasn't angry but tried to get him to empathise with how I might feel and he said he would give someone my number just in case, and he would give me his new number.

Then a few days later he still hasn't given me his number. He called me yesterday at 4am and we did actually have a pleasant convo, he didn't seem to be in a bad mood. Said he would call next week as he wants to talk to his boss about something and has to think about what to say Hmm. Again said he would give me his number 'as soon as he hung up' but has failed to do so, and clearly won't bother.

It looks like he's changed his mind doesn't it? Tbh, I think I might be changing my mind because if he really cared about me, why doesn't he want to talk to me, or let me have his phone number, or lie to me that he will give me his number? sorry this was so long.

OP posts:
Plumm · 14/02/2011 13:12

You said in your first para that he asked you over and over before you said yes - were you having doubts about your relationship?

realrabbit · 14/02/2011 13:12

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jaffacake79 · 14/02/2011 13:14

That's all very weird and strange and not the behaviour of someone that's wanting to make a life-long commitment to you!

Original poster
vegetariandumpling · 14/02/2011 13:17

yes I was having doubts, a few months before he asked me he said he wanted to break up, so I wasn't sure if he was serious about marriage.
I keep telling myself that he must be stressed with work and everything, so it might not be anything to do with me. I just feel really trapped, everyone knows we're meant to be getting married. I just don't know how I can end it with him, although I can see that he clearly doesn't care about me very much Sad

OP posts:
livinginazoo · 14/02/2011 13:35

Run! It sounds as though if you do go against your instincts and marry him it will come back to bite you later!

realrabbit · 14/02/2011 13:42

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Original poster
vegetariandumpling · 14/02/2011 13:42

living but how can I run? I love him and I can't imagine not being with him...also due to the different countries thing if I break it off now i'll never see him again EVER and that makes me really sad. I don't know if i should wait for a few months until we can move in together to see if things are better? or if I should go and see him now to give it one last chance? I don't know how I'll tell everyone if we break up..I feel like it would be easier in a few months when people have stopped congratulating me all the time

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 14/02/2011 13:46

Do you really think he's going to get better? You had doubts and he wanted to end it, then he proposed. That doesn't sound like the most stable of relationships to me. And as far as telling other people is concerned, that is no reason for marrying the wrong person and it'll be 100x harder when you're living together. I don't know about breaking up, that's for you to decide but you should definitely cool it for a while and certainly I wouldn't entertain the idea of marriage until it's sorted out.

LadyBiscuit · 14/02/2011 13:48

If he's changed his number and won't give you the new one, is there much likelihood you are going to move in together? Is this normal behaviour for him? Doesn't sound like you're communicating very well

livinginazoo · 14/02/2011 13:50

He changed his phone number and didn't let you know. He tried to break up then proposed and is now ignoring you and is too preoccupied to talk to you over the phone ever. He does not love you. You will get over it and fall in love with someone better in time. Or you will marry him and be miserable. Or maybe he is prince charming and you will live the fairytale ending, who knows. But you seem to be saying your instincts are telling you that is not the case, I mean you didn't exactly get excited and announce to the world that you were engaged as soon as it happened.

BigBadMummy · 14/02/2011 13:51

Sorry to be blunt but this is madness.

To not give you the number?

You are worth more than that. If he cannot give you the number then you are not going to be moving in together.

Why did he change it?

This relationship is seriously flawed. In fact, it isnt a relationship.

How often do you see him? How do you expect to be living together soon if you are in different countries.

Original poster
vegetariandumpling · 14/02/2011 13:52

no its not normal behaviour for him. He hasn't actually said he won't give it to me, he just says he will but then says it doesn't get through or something. I do believe we will move in together, but even if we don't at least then I'll know for certain that he doesn't want to be with me. I know I can't marry him like this but the alternative is so hard

OP posts:
homeboys · 14/02/2011 13:54

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Original poster
vegetariandumpling · 14/02/2011 13:55

bbm- we see each other every 5 or six weeks, I should be there now but decided not to go due to financial reasons. I have a job offer in the country he's living in so will be moving there regardless of him. Up until the last couple of weeks we talked all the time so I don't know what's happened.

OP posts:
annh · 14/02/2011 13:55

When he said he would give you his number as soon as he hung up from the call, what was that all about?! He was actually talking to you at the time, why did you not say "No, give it to me now, I have a pen in my hand to write it down"? His behaviour sounds bizarre and not the way that you would expect your very new fiance to act. Where are you planning on living when you get married? Has that been discussed at all? If he is moving here, does he need a visa?

thumbdabwitch · 14/02/2011 13:57

God. He changed his number without telling you and won't give you his new one? well, this has happened to me before and I'll tell you why - he had a new woman, that's why.

There might be an innocent explanation in your case but sadly I don't think so.

Please come around to the idea that this "engagement" is likely to be over soon.

realrabbit · 14/02/2011 13:58

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Original poster
vegetariandumpling · 14/02/2011 13:58

homeboys that's partly how I feel. It could well be innocent. If it was just that he didn't have time to talk to me then I wouldn't be so worried, it's the not giving me his phone number that worries me. And we don't always get to talk everyday, because of scheduels, time difference etc its hard to fit in time to talk, but I always try once a day, if he's busy he's busy. I'm moving there in july, but was hoping to see him before that depending on finances in march april.

OP posts:
Original poster
vegetariandumpling · 14/02/2011 14:02

he said he didn't know it and would have to look it up Confused. Maybe he text me and I didn't get it? that has happened before, but twice seems a little bit too much. It's how sudden this has happened that I can't understand.

OP posts:
SlightlyTubbyHali · 14/02/2011 14:03

So in the last year he's said he wanted to split up, repeatedly asked you to agree to marry him and now is working overseas but hasn't - for whatever reason - given you his phone number even though he could have.

I suggest that next time you speak to him you just ask him what he's playing at.

And then have a long think about whether you really want to commit to someone who blows hot and cold. Not knowing where you stand with someone is no way to live. Give him another chance if you must, but postpone any wedding plans until you are sure - and until he appears to be sure too.

howdoo · 14/02/2011 14:04

I'm so sorry but I agree with Thumbdabwitch - there is a new woman.

Original poster
vegetariandumpling · 14/02/2011 14:06

thanks everyone for your advice. I think the next time he calls I'll tell him to give me the number, and if he won't then I'll have my answer. I'm just glad to know that other people think this isn't normal either.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 14/02/2011 14:30

This doesn't even sound like a relationship, let alone love or a potential marriage.

biglips · 14/02/2011 14:33

exactly same thing what i thought -same as madonna...

strange

compo · 14/02/2011 14:38

Has it always been a long distance relationship?

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