Comments from DH. How do I get over them?

[FromDespairToWhere]

DH and I have been having problems for a few months now and have started going to relate to try and work through them. After our relate session last week we agreed to talk further about the issues that had been discussed and in particular, the way I have been acting distant towards DH.

DH felt it could be as a result of some big arguments we had in which he ended up shouting at me quite badly. He has since apologised for this and said it has scared him how out of control he felt and that he is ashamed at his behaviour. I said it wasn't the shouting that had bothered me but what he had actually said.

During one of the arguments DH had made comments about the number of sexual partners I have had and that it probably wouldn't take me long to move someone else into the house after he left. He was very sneering when he said this and left me feeling in no doubt that he thought I was a bit of a slut.

During the talk after the relate session I explained that I felt he was judging me and that he didn't approve of my past. He couldn't really remember any of the comments he had made during the arguments and said he was probably just trying to hurt me because he was angry. I agreed but said that he must actually think those things for them to have come out.

After a bit he said: Well, you might be a slapper but you're my slapper, and I'm the one who gets to benefit from your experience. He thought this was a nice comment to make and he has since repeated it to me as proof that he doesn't care about my past. The first time he said it I was shocked and after he left the room I burst into tears as the comment really hurt me.

My DH has only slept with people while in long term relationships where I have slept with people in long and short term relationships, had friends with benefits and even a few one night stands. I'm not particularly proud of all of these but have not tried to hide any of them from DH. We obviously have different approaches to relationships but I'd never really seen it as a problem before.

Since the arguments I've felt strange around DH and have started to cringe when he touches or kisses me. I was hoping that these feelings would dissapear once we starting talking and working things out but his latest comments have just made things worse and I get a knot in my stomach when he comes near me now.

I'd previously told him that I wanted to take things slowly and wasn't ready to jump back into a physical relationship. About a week after this he started telling me how much he still fancies me and how he can't wait to get back to how we were. He makes lots of comments about sex and I feel there is lots of pressure to resume this side of the relationship. Back when we were happy he always used to joke that he'd never leave me as I was too good in bed. I was never really happy when he made comments like that but tried to take them as a compliment. Now though, they just make me feel sick inside.

What do I do now? I desperately wanted to work things out with DH as DS1 has already had to live through the break up between ExH and I and the thought of putting him through it again is killing me. Am I taking the comments to heart too much? How do I stop myself cringing when DH comes near me?

Wow. Bit of a mammoth post there. Sorry

OK - you are in the middle of counselling with Relate yes?

I think it's fairly common that counselling opens up cans of worms and that frequently things have to get worse before they get better (sorry to sound glib - not meant to be.) But thing that have been kept under the surface come bubbling up into the open.

It's good really that this has all come to the surface because now you can both examine it and deal with it and hopefully get it all back into perspective. And hopefully DH will stop using it as a way to hurt you when he is angry.

Stick with the counselling and keep talking.

I agree that this is partly about how he sees sexual experience in others. But I think it's also about how you see your own experience. I wonder if he's touching something in you about how you feel about it. Something is hurting you about what he says and maybe it's to do with you rather than him. He has had fewer sexual partners, he has only had sex in relationships, he is trying to tell you (clumsily) that he doesn't hold your different experiences against you - but it's still hurting you. Maybe the counselling will help you get to the bottom of what's going on for you.

Can you explain to him that because he has used your sexual past in an argument in a negative/hurtful way that any reference to it in an attempted positive way will just make you remember what was said before? (think I am saying this clumsily)

If he sees it as a negative thing then you will think (sex=bad) then if he wants to have sex you again think (sex=bad) and shrink away as you don't want to be judged again.

Hope you understand what I am clumsily trying to say

" Well, you might be a slapper but you're my slapper, and I'm the one who gets to benefit from your experience."

I'm really sorry that he said this to you. I think this remark is just absolutely shocking and I would be feeling just exactly the same way as you. I don't have any advice (sorry) but I wanted to show you some support.

You definitely need to bring up - as part of your counselling sessions - just how very hurt you are by his comments / opinions of you. Don't bottle it up. He has to know how much this has affected you.

It's also important to remember that there is nothing wrong or shameful in having had lots of sexual partners.
As others have said, this sort of thing does sometimes happen with counselling, and bringing up how much his comments upset you in counselling sessions is a good idea. It does sound as though he is trying to tell you that he's sorry for having upset you and that he doesn't think badly of you, but is making a bit of a mess of doing it, so it should be something the two of you can sort out with the counsellor's help.
Best of luck.

LostInTransmogrification - I do understand what you're saying and you're right, him bringing it up does just make me remember the original comments and the way he said them.

I do have a few issues relating to my sexual past. There has been a couple of times where I have slept with someone not because I wanted the sex but because I wanted to be close to someone. DH knows this but I guess his comments show he doesn't really understand why I did what I did.

Thanks for the support ShirleyKnot.

The use of the word slapper hurt because i've never used it to describe myself so that has come entirely from DH and is not a word I would ever use if I was trying to be nice to someone.

It sounds like he could be insecure about the number of sexual partners that HE has had, rather than it really being about the number you have had. I also think there's a tendency to set our own experience (whether it be number of partners, school choice or working choices), as the 'right' one, and to consider other choices as being inferior, even though in reality they are perfectly valid and just different choices, and sometimes we all need to be reminded of that.

Keep talking..

Just a bit of support from me, too. You are totally NBU. His remarks seem to show that he thinks of you as a highly experienced sex goddess (I wonder if he still harbours fears about not being good enough for you?) but that doesn't help a whole lot when he's still using disrespectful language with it. I'd recommend jotting down your thoughts & feelings around this, and taking them along to your next session.
Good luck :)

I think it is quite cruel of him to have taken something that you told him, presumably in trust, that you were uncomfortable about, and that made you feel vulnerable and for him to turn that into a weapon against you.

Actually I have re-read the rest of your OP and I feel really uncomfortable about most of it TBH. I'm glad you're going to counselling.

AgeingGrace - I think he does see me a bit like that and he has said before that he doesn't feel good enough for me. From my experience though, sex in a meaningful long term relationship is much more fun and gives you much more experience than lots of meaningless casual sex. I've told him this but he obviously doesn't believe me.

Shirley - You've just described how I feel about it. I've told him that I'm loathe to open up to him now for fear it'll get used against me in the future. Some of the stuff he's brought up during arguments is stuff I told him 5 years ago and hasn't been mentioned since. It feels like it's all been festering in his mind and he's now using it all to try and hurt me

You poor thing. I'm not wildly enamoured of the fact that you've told him that these comments hurt you, and he then just repeats them and says that he means it in a "nice" way? Chuh!

Not massively keen either on the fact that you've TOLD him that you're not ready to start the sexual side of your relationship yet, and he gives you a whole week before he starts nagging you. (Is he nagging? Is that the right word or is it more subtle than that?)

Meh, maybe you shouldn't listen to me. In fact you probably shouldn't, but I really don't like the sound of all this. Sorry.

It's more subtle than nagging Shirley. He will come and give me a kiss and say how hard it is just to stop there or how sexy I am. It's difficult to tell how much is him pushing me and how much is me putting pressure on myself that isn't really there.

My gut feelings about all this are the same as yours Shirley. I really don't like it. It makes me feel very uneasy but I'm not sure why.

Can I asked why you've gone to relate? Whether there was one big blow up that caused you to look at things and realise you need counselling?

previous thread

The thread I've linked to should give a bit more info on why we've gone to relate. Things weren't quite right for a while but came to a head last month and we had lots of arguments.

I've now read your other thread.

I think what jumped out at me was that he is obviously very insecure, and that you suffer from low self esteem. I think that he is putting you down in order to boost himself up.

Have you confronted him when he's said his charming little "you're a slapper" compliment? You said that he's said it to you a few times? Because maybe you need to say to him "I am not a slapper, and I really don't like it when you call me that" or similar.

I would definitely bring it up in the counselling sessions.

Thanks for taking the time to read it. No, I haven't told him how I feel about being called a slapper and you're right, I do need to tell him that's it's not ok to call me that. Might have to sit down with him tonight and have a talk about it and see why he's so bothered about my past.

Thanks for your help Shirley (and everyone else).

I wasn't much help FDTW. I'm in a very angry bitter place at the moment and so you are fortunate that I didn't post "BASTARD BASTARD BASTARD!" all over the place.

I hope Grace ambles over and has a look at this for you.

I can't tell from here whether he's simply a man with terrible vocabulary ishoos - calling you a liar when you alter your plans; calling you a slapper when you have an uninhibited past - or an angry, insecure, mean-minded control freak. Have you ever found yourself thinking he should have married a shy virgin?

As you're both going to Relate and, it seems, doing your exercises, please do carry on with it. I feel it's very important for you to know what reasonable boundaries are and to stick up for yourself - if your counsellor isn't on this with you, get a different one! Meanwhile, yes, constructive criticism wrt his choice of words. And good luck!

Shirley, I didn't feel you were unduly negative.

I've read the other thread now and I think you are going to need to be very firm with this man. Because he is behaving unreasonably. He almost certainly would prefer you to be overweight, miserable and insecure because he is unpleasantly insecure and wants to control and own his partner.
If you are and intend to remain monogamous with a partner, you should never indulge jealous whining. People who are unreasonably jealous need to be called on it repeatedly and have no concessions made, as indulging their whiny selfishness just makes them worse.

I remember your previous thread too (I posted briefly).
What a miserable existence. I wonder how you are feeling in your relate sessions? I had a bad experience with H there. I should never have had joint counselling with him. I would worry that you might experience the same?

This is what worries me newname. I do know, from reading lots of threads, that sometimes Relate/Couples Counselling is just utterly useless when it comes to dealing with fuckwits controlling/Emotional Turds Abusers and some of the things OP has said on the last thread (and this one) just makes me worry.

Thanks everyone Just talking about it on here has made me feel a bit better about things.

We've only been to one relate session so far and one of the issues we're talking about at the next one is the problems surrounding me going on nights out. I think that will tell me whether having joint sessions is a good idea or not.

I've been getting stronger over the past few weeks and have continued with my quest to up my self esteem and be more comfortable with myself. I feel strong enough now to stand up for myself a bit more and not to give in to what DH always wants. I have two good friends in RL who I've being seeing a lot of lately who have given me a chance to be me again iyswim and it's made me realise that I have been changing my behaviour without really realising it to try and keep DH happy. By this I mean not going out because I don't think he'll like it and always inviting him out when I do go because I'm conscious that he won't go out without me.