Strange one- finding it hard to cope with dp's diet

[disapprovinggirlfriend]

I hope this doesn't come across as overly odd, and yes I have namechanged.
My partner and I have been together 7 months and everyhting is great. When we met I had been in recovery from anorexia and bulimia for about 6 months, and though I have struggled a bit, I think that's to be expected. I haven't weighed myself for a long time which is big progress, but my jeans were feeling tight last week so I did. I've put on a stone since I met him, which I suppose objectively is a good thing, and I could have used the weight gain tbh. I'm still only a size 10 and I can just about deal with that.
What complicates it is that dp has in the past few weeks started the Cambridge diet, and I really am finding it hard to be supportive of this as I disapprove of it so much. I know he'd feel better if he lost a few pounds but I really don't think this is the way to do it. He has 2 stone maximum to lose at a guess, and this, from what I can see is a starvation diet. It's bringing up a lot of difficult feelings for me, and I know he feels I'm being unsupportive. He lost 8 lbs this week and all I can feel is jealousy :( I miss the buzz I got when I starved myself but I know I can't. I worry he will take it too far. But most of all I am just sad that he has chosen this way to do it. It makes me really want to stop eating too, though I know how absilutely stupid that would be. We don't live together, we see each other every other day or so, so meal times aren't really an issue. Am I being unreasonable to be finding this difficult? I know it's hard to lose weight and I should be happy for him that it's working out, but it's brought up all sorts of things I don't really want to deal with. I've started finding it really difficult to sleep since he started this, and I do think it's because I've started to cut back on food :(

It sounds as if his starting this diet has brought up your old issues around food. When someone goes on a diet they can become rather obsessive about food and amounts and calories etc and have a tendency to talk about it. To someone with issues around food, this can be very hard to listen to.

Do you have any ongoing support for yourself around your anorexia and bulimia? I would encourage you to talk to someone about what this is doing to you.

It is not at all stupid that this is bringing up old thoughts and the potential behaviour that goes with them.

I really feel for you dgf, I've been in a similar situation in the past and it's hell. Ultimately I left the realationship for that and (many) other reasons.

This is hugely triggering situation to be in at any time during your recovery and it sounds like you've come a long way already. What help have you had/are you having with your eating issues? If you're not seeing a therapist about this at the mo then that's definitely something you should be looking in to.

Restricting food when you have eating issues is like a drug, one little dabble and you can easily become hooked again so try to address this asap. You've made agreat first step posting on here and admitting it's an issue.

With regards to your partner the Cambridge diet is bonkers as you probably already know. Have you had an honest conversation with him about how this is affecting you? A healthy diet and a bit of exercise is a much healthier and effective way of keeping weight off, perhaps you could discuss that with him?

Got to run now but will be back later to check on you.

Oh and stay away from the scales, they truly are the work of the devil

Is he aware of the extent of your illness?

He really should be a bit more sensitive as you dont live together, he doesnt even need to tell you about his diet, as it is bound to arouse memories for you that you have so far done brilliantly to overcome.

Does your DP know what you went through? It seems like he's being incredibly insensitive and thoughtless, and I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Surely if he cared enough about you he would take your v v recent history with this into consideration? Have you put it like this to him?

I see a therapist every 3 or 4 weeks, but, and here's a tricky one, my therapist has also just gone on the Cambridge diet. I get on with her so well, but I really wish she hadn't told me. SHe is very large though, and that's kind of what I associate the diet with- people with stacks and stacks of weight to lose. I just can't tally it in my head though that it's ok for some people to basically starve themselves and say it's nutritionally sound. I was adament of the same thing, that as long as I took all my vitamins it wasn't an issue that I wasn't eating.
I have told him I think it's a dodgy diet but he sees it as a quick fix. He likes to run but has problems with a knee injury atm, he thinks taing off weight fast will help him get back into it. I don't want him to think I'm crazy though :( He knows I@ve had problems, but I still have trouble admitting that to myself a lot of the time tbh. I think that as I am now weight restored, and that I never got skeletally thin, I don't have the right to say I have an ED, and that people won't believe me if I do tell them. It was only a few days after I weighed myself that he told me about his diet, so I can see what's triggered it. I knew I'd put weight on, but a stone seems a lot to deal with so that would be an issue even without his stuff too. But my stuff isn't his stuff. If he wants to do this then really it's his choice

X post squeakytoy!

MsFaithless, I'd done so well to stay away from the scales. Once I broke the habit I just didn';t go near them. But now I do so I'm cross with myself about that too.
He knows I got very ill and depressed. I've told him about it to an extent and he knows I see my therapist. I don't think he is being insensitive fwiw. I just wish he was following a diet that didn't arouse such jealousy and worry in me. If he was just cutting back I'd be all for it. The only reason I know is that he brought a horrid milkshake round for his breakfast. It said 140 calories or somehting on the front and the first thing I thought was, blimey that's a lot for a drink. Whereas to a normal person that's not enough to survuve the morning on. I dislike that this isn't reeducating him> He has 2 milkshakes,a chocolate bar and a salad a day. It's all sugary crap

I wouldnt say 140 calories was a lot for a drink. The milkshakes will have the nutrition he needs in them I would hope.

I have a couple of friends who were very large, who followed the cambridge diet and lost weight, but maintaining it is difficult once they start eating more normally again.

I would just let him get on with it, and it probably wont last too long before he gets fed up with the diet. I think you should be honest with him and say "look, please could you not talk to me about your diet, as it isnt helping me"

If you were a recovering alcoholic you wouldnt expect people to be raving on about how great a new alcopop was in front of you, and this is a similar comparison.

I'm actually quite surprised that your therapist is talking about her dieting issues in your sessions. Your sessions are supposed to be about you and how your are dealing with things - not her. It might be an idea to tell her at your next session what her telling you that has actually made you feel as it has caused you difficulties along with your DP's diet.

You mention jealousy and worry and those are both difficult emotions to be feeling.

It's important to look at what this is doing to you. I'm not surprised at all that you can't tally in your head that it's okay for some people to starve themselves - it never is. Perhaps as a robust individual he can stand it for a short time but that doesn't mean it's the right way to go about it.

OP... He's your boyfriend, not your therapist and you don't live together. He probably doesn't understand what you've had to overcome and to be honest, it's not his job to supervise your eating any more than it is yours to monitor his. I don't think he's being insensitive as such, just taking the usual man-stance of 'fixing a problem', ie. Cambridge diet = quick fix.

It's a fairly new relationship from the sound of it and I worry for you that you're in 'competing mode'. See your therapist or find a new one if you're not happy, but don't bring your food issues to the relationship. Eat what you need/want to eat and focus on your own recovery. It may be that a relationship isn't right for you at this moment in time at all.

Lying I get what you're saying. My problem is that I know it's my problem, I have no right really to have a problem wiht him doing this, though I am worried it's not healthy at all. I have never suggested it's his job to supervise my eating, nor would I expect him to.
Fwiw, my therapist only brought it up as a way of saying that a lot of people have issues around food, she was trying to make a very valid point. I don't think she'd be surprised that I find it a difficult diet to accept though.
To say I'm not ready fro a relationship is a bit much. Seven months is enough for us to love each other, most definately. He doesn't live with me as we are taking things very slowly, not least because of my children. I'm in therapy and most of my problems are behind me. This has just, understandably from most of these replies, thrown me a bit.

disapprovinggirlfriend... I'm not saying that you're not ready for a relationship, only YOU know that.

I said that it wasn't your BF's job to monitor your food (he isn't) any more than yours to monitor his because you effectively are.

Please don't take this the wrong way but, from my experience with eating disorders, the sufferer can have a tendency to keep their focus on themselves and their own views about food over which some maintain a lifelong obsession.

I wish you well with your therapy and quest for good health. We all seek that, we just take different journeys to it. Good luck.

I'm not really sure what you mean about keeping the focus on myself? It's all speculation, but I don't think I'd be having the same problem with it if he were doing weight watchers for example. It's the fact it's so extreme that has made me feel this way I think.

Lying, i think youre being very insensitive to the OP. Op- youre not bringing food issues into the relationship, your past experiences are being triggered by someone else's behaviour. totally understandable.

i dont want to be rude towards Lying, but please dont listen to what she is saying. you are obv feeling vulnerable and i dont see her comments as in anyway constuctive.

disapproving, dont get drawn into this dialogue with lying. please x

noonar... Thanks for the heads-up if you thought I was being rude. I'll try to explain better.

I think that most people understand that the Cambridge Diet isn't one that's very successful in the longer term. OP's BF is trying it to lose a few pounds. Because OP is or has been suffering with disordered eating, this poor diet of BF's is making her focus on his eating and in turn, her own. What I was trying to say was that OP needs to concentrate on getting herself well rather than focusing on BF's diet and making herself ill with worry over that.

OP.. really sorry if you thought I was being insensitive to you, I do understand what you're going through.

I didn't think you were being rude but I don't think you fully understand what I mean either.
I'm feeling more than a bit torn now. I just recieved a message saying tomorrow's valentines dinner has to be grilled chicken and salad, 'basically as calorie free as possible'. I don't know how to handle it. He was weighed this morning and has a stone to go so needs to be on it for at least a few more weeks. The thing is he was here this morning and had a huge bowl of shreddies, and went to his parents for a roast at lunch, so he's clearly cheating anyway.
I'm goign to have to say that I just cannot hear about his deit, but that I hope he doesn't take that as me being unsupportive. I cannot get into this mindset again :(

Thank you vin. I do get what you're saying.
Is it ok to ask him just to not talk about this around me? He is doing it with his friend so he has him for support, so it's not like I'd be leaving him with noone to compare notes with iyswim.
Fwiw, I don't think either of them need to do it, it seems a ludicrous, not to mention expensive, way to lose a stone.

I'm in agreement with vin's wise words especially on the above point re persistence. My behaviours were so entrenched that the first couple of years in recovery were a steep learning curve in how 'normal' people ate! Let's hope this is blip for him and he'll soon get bored with the diet and resume normal service.

Calmly but firmly tell him to keep his bonkers diet to himself as you've had issues with food in the past. You seem positive about the relationship and I can understand you wanting to take it slowly but if it's getting serious you might want to explain in greater depth about your previous issues. I say this because unless you've been up close and personal with your own or someone else's eating disorder it can easily be dismissed as 'dieting issues' and overlooked by a partner.

With regards to the therapist I do find it inappropriate that she told you anything about her diet at all given your issues. Are eating disorders one of her areas of expertise? Only you can gauge if your sessions with her are helping but it might be something to think about.

Try to remember that your recovery is going well and keep working towards the day when you don't have to think about food/weight in a disordered way - trust me on this it can and will happen. Recovery does give us these challenges, it's just the disorder trying to find a way back in. You've recognised that and are addressing it which is most of the battle. It does sound like you need more regular therapy sessions at this time though, at least once a week probably. Is this therapy NHS or self funded? I only ask because I know from bitter experience how difficult it can be to change therapists/increase the amount of sessions on the NHS whereas if it's private you have more autonomy.

It's not at all unreasonable of you to tell your boyfriend that you wish him luck with his diet but don't want to hear about it as you have had an eating disorder nd you find it distressing to have someone going on and on about a diet.
If he carries on talking about his diet when you have asked him not to, particularly if he talks about it a lot and makes a big deal out of you cooking for him, you might have to ask yourself if he's really that nice a man - or even if he's got food issues of his own.