If you're a SAHM, how much domestic autonomy do you have?

[sethstarkaddersmackerel]

Or, to put it another way, AIBU to want to throw away a bloody teatowel without having to run it past DH first?

I have one of these super-domesticated dhs which is great except that I am starting to find myself envying those Stepford Wives in that Daily Mail article the other month (here, it will make you vomit if you haven't already seen it) because they actually have a sphere where they are in charge and get to make the decisions.

Loves2cycle, I can really imagine the timetables thing.
he is their father, he is an equal parent, BUT you've spent hours and hours with them and know much better what is going on in their lives.

I am going to have to think about what you said about using it in a positive way. There is loads of stuff dh does that he takes full responsibility for and I trust him absolutely and actually feel very lucky that he does it (eg I can't get excited by saving small amounts of money on bills the way he does, but all the small amounts add up, which is great).

you know what though, I don't think he would be delighted, I think he'd be worried that I would do it wrong and throw away the wrong teatowels - which doesn't say a lot for what he thinks of my ability.

PigeonPie - I don't know, that's the thing, isn't it? It's great to be able to hand stuff over and not worry about it because you are both involved, but like Hassled said, there has to be a happy medium somewhere.
I think if you're not specially controlling about it yourself and are happy for them to muddle through and, hell, maybe they will be fed something less healthy than usual, or will forget something for school but the teacher won't mind cos usually they remember, it doesn't matter too much if they don't really know all the details. I love it when my mother comes to help out because she has the confidence to do stuff without checking, so she'll find clothes for the children that are around the right size and put them on rather than worry that a particular fleece might technically belong to a different child, for instance. Ideally a partner would have the confidence to do that.... you definitely see a lot of posts from people infuriated by their dps needing instructions all the time, because they're worried about doing it wrong.

(sorry about ramble)

Scanned DM article and the only thought I had was that the Jon Pickles person at the beginning is punching well above his considerable weight

Anyhow, I am a SAHM (not for much longer if I have my way). DH has a on a few occassions tried to be controllijng in want of a better word. IE, Commenting on how messy the house is. On each occassion I have told him where to go and not washed any of his stuff until he starts to notice. Petty? Perhaps. But he gets the message. I do things my way at home . We talk about large purchases but generally I manage the house accounts and have my own spending money.

I have many reasons for wanting to return to work but putting us on an even footing is the main one for me. I have increasingly found that DH sees me as in some way inferior to him becuase I dont work. Its not helped that DH was unhappy at work (just lost his job). That said I don't put up with his crap.

it does sound a bit skewiff seths, I think you should trust your instincts and your DH needs to back off a bit.
It's all very well him getting involved in all things domestic but he needs to respect your role insofar as it is you who spends all your time at home, so it's you who gets to "control" that sphere for as long as you are a SAHM.
He has his "place" in the world and you don't at the moment, so he shouldn't be taking away the only bits of autonomy you do actually have left in the world.

The thing is, though, that if you claim the domestic sphere as 'yours', you also lose the right to complain that he never makes any domestic decisions. Which is fine, if that's what you actually want. But for example, I tend to do the menu planning for the house, and put up a 'menu' for the week, and make sure we have the right cuts of meat and whatnot, and then every now and then I can't be arsed, and then come home from work to find that he hasn't even started dinner, and I say but the child needs to eat, like, now, and he says well I didn't know what you had planned.

And he's got a point, I have to concede.

Likewise, I wish he were the sort of father who recognised that as the mother, and the one who spends more time with the child, on parenting forums, reading parenting books, and just plain thinking about this stuff, I should get to make the parenting decisions. Because I'm sick of setting rules like limited television, and having him ignore them because he thinks I'm too uptight on that issue. But on the other hand, if she were ill I'd have no patience with a Dad who was futzing around all "do we give her Panadol? How do you medicate a toddler? Is brandy allowed?" because I expect him to be a competent equal parent who is capable of caring for his child. And if I want the latter, I can't have the former.

I do have veto rights when it comes to purging stuff, though. I am the household Purginator.

Take away his domestic input and give it a month and he won't have a clue where the tea towels are.

And that'll be a whole new thread!

I agree that the OP shouldn't be aiming to create a little queendom all of her own, that can lead to all sorts of trouble.
I mean that her husband should recognise the role for what it is and step back a bit. If you're a SAHP it's annoying if you get told what to do in your own "place of work" . That's like the SAHP going to the office and telling the WOHP how to go about their job.
Asking for respect for the fact you're at home day in day out with the kids doesn't mean the WOHP gets let off the housework, just that they can't get annoyed if the SAHP decides to throw out some tea towels. Veto rights to purging stuff should absolutely fall exclusively to the OP!

I don't think being a SAHM makes any difference. Thie issue is not being a SAHM it woukd be the same if you worked full time.

It's you home as well as his. Move what you want. Throw away your stuff and any worn out household stuff if you want (not his stuff)

I'm a SAHM and have complete autonomy. I even bought two massive pictures for the sitting room the other day and didn't even think to consult DH. He has no idea about things like that, and he knows I know that, so it would be ridiculous to ask him. If he ever said anything about tea towels I would laugh in his face.

My Dp can be a bit picky about stuff but like you I appreciate his help.

I would just say at the time, I recon I could probably sort out the tea towels haha and then just make a joke. If he brings it up say oh yeah I sorted them out. end of story.

You don't want less help you just want him to realise what he's doing ?

I wouldn't turn it into a big thing cause then he will become too aware of what he can and can't do and you know how that confuses men

Hi, sethstarkaddersmackerel

I have total autonomy over day-to-day running of the household but run big things by my DP first. He would hate to be bothered by me about teatowels - be it throwing them away or choosing and buying new ones. I wouldn't purchase furniture without trying to ensure that he felt part of the decision making process though!

Is you being a SAHM a permanent or a temporary change? Just thinking that there may come a time when you are quite glad of his interest in all things domestic, and it would be a shame to expend lots of effort into changing the status quo, only to have to change it back again in a year's time!

I think all this tea-towel business is mad, and I totally agree that you and he both need something else to focus on, and to get out of the house more. I cannot believe that two intelligent, well-educated people are seriously planning to give up time to a formal review of household tea-towel provision.

This, my dear, is the tea-towel you need.

More seriously, I did once have a massive row with my DH when I realised that he didn't particularly trust my judgement on a matter of mould - it brought the problems out into the open, and things have been a good deal better ever since.

Dispatch from Starkadder house frontline:

Teatowel autonomy now ceded to SethsMackerel after short skirmish, together with overall kitchen autonomy. (Borders not quite settled yet but will be fixed via diplomatic relations with minimal bloodshed.)

Overall kitchen reorganisation now nearly complete, pacified population expected to settle well under new regime because kitchen is patently much cleaner and more usable now stuff got rid of.

After short exchange of gunfire, kitchen bench resettled to new homeland against wall.

SethsMackerel thanks allies for their valued assistance in resolving dispute.

lololol

imagining teatowel drawer protected by rolls of barbed wire and a lookout tower

I have complete autonomy in our house from the finances down to the teatowels and loo paper. I also throw away and replace my DHs shirts if I think they are past it. I was a SAHM for ten years and my "job" was to run the home (rather like that Daily Mail Article, but it worked for us - my DH never once saw what I did as less than what he did - just the carving up of work in a partnership). I then went back to PT work and contracted out the cleaning and ironing.

longtalljosie...your dh sounds like mine! I threw away a pair of oven gloves on the weekend, manky, with holes in...dh rescued them from the bin and has stored them in the loft -definitely a relic of his single life in his house

oh I know Freshmint, the barbed wire kept catching on my clothes when I went past, was so annoying!

....Hi Girls ....

Just wait 'till they retire - it's a different ball game... having wanting nothing to do with "the house" throughout their working life... it is now the "new office"...

You have been warned !!!

If my DP wanted to go through teatowels together I'd think he'd lost his marbles tbh, lol

I'd discuss replacing furniture, appliances that sort of thing - smaller things, I notice them, I replace them/ throw them out... occasionally he notices things and does them, but it's much less than me

come to think of it, I don't even care enough about teatowels to think about sorting them out - I'd take it that he clearly cares about teatowels, he wants to spend time thinking about them, so he can sort through the tea towels and you can go off and do something more fun

I have complete autonomy. DP not bossy, controlling or telling me what to do. . .lovely. Plus, he works away during the week, so I can do as I please. . .BLISS !