If you're a SAHM, how much domestic autonomy do you have?

[sethstarkaddersmackerel]

Or, to put it another way, AIBU to want to throw away a bloody teatowel without having to run it past DH first?

I have one of these super-domesticated dhs which is great except that I am starting to find myself envying those Stepford Wives in that Daily Mail article the other month (here, it will make you vomit if you haven't already seen it) because they actually have a sphere where they are in charge and get to make the decisions.

Why can't you throw away a teatowel?

he he

put your foot down and don't take any of that nonsense.

Given half the chance, my dh would be the same.

I don't give him half a chance.

I make the majority of decisions like that as DH wouldn't realise that it needed throwing.

I was a SAHM for years and when my husband had a week off work he used to try to tell me how to cook the dinner

oh how I laughed

I have total domestic autonomy. I wouldn't be a SAHM if I had to report back or defer to my H on any kind of decision. Big expenditure or big projects we would discuss together.

Why would you have to ask your DH about whether or not to throw a tea towel away?
The only time I run things like that by DH is with something of his , i.e when his boxers have a transparent gusset and I will say these are going in the bin and he will whine argue that they are comfy .
Why would you even have a discussion over tea towels or anything household? I wouldn't even think to mention something like that to DH if I'd thrown it away. It wouldn't be an issue the other way around because he is a compulsive hoarder never throws anything away, ever .

I have 100% autonomy to throw away anything I want or change things arround in the house. I consult him out of courtesy if I want to buy something new but it is not a request from his side.

recently been made redundant - and i haen't any young children and i have found myself having a v. tidy house for the first time in 22 years

i think i could always throw away a tea towel - but i wouldn't for instance buy something like a mahoosive picture for the living room without giing dh the chance for his opinion.

[boggle] I don't need permission for anything.

If I was a maid, then I'd probably have to ask the Master if I might do something.

But I'm not a maid and if I want to throw away a teatowel, then I will.

And I'll probably send him out to buy another one

What!? I'm that it's you posting this thread!

On second thoughts, you've really challenged me...I would throw it without a second thought and DH wouldn't bat an eyelash. But I'd be pretty pissed off if he chucked one wihtout checking with me. But then I spend 100% of my time in this job (nearly) so I guess I know more about what's going on in the household, what plans are in place for various things etc.

But, to answer your question, no, DH wouldn't have a problem with me making decisions about what things need to be chucked away - the house is my sphere and he comes and takes on 50% of the work when he's around...under my overall 'co-ordination' because it's me who spends the most time here and I have the highest need for it to work for me IYSWIM.

House and stuff is my business - don't need to run anything by Dh or talk about what I spend money on ect.

Not sure if my DH knows what a teatowel is - he frequently washes up but leaves everything to drain - even when very dangerously balanced.

I have complete domestic autonomy & spend what I like (within our household income) in the home.

My mother has found that, since my father has retired - he interferes in everything - she recently wanted to throw out an old washing up brush and had to bring it to my house to throw away as he searches the dustbin for 'recycling' - she cannot even throw old food away , has been known to bury it in the garden when he is out.

I have complete autonomy, DH doesn't even know what tea towels we have I don't think!

I would throw away his underwear if it had holes in, in fact I do. Probably not clothes.

I can do what I want, I might ask DH if he wants something before I throw it away and he wouldn't throw much without asking me, but we are equal though I am more in charge with houseworky stuff .

Yes, I can do what I like but I am careful about disposal decisions on things which belonged to DH's bachelor days. He's a bit nostaglic about his former pad. We had to have a five minute conversation about a lovely but faulty Typhoon kitchen scales which he'd had in his kitchen. It would be the same with tea-towels, I suspect.

I agree with Ragwort's DH - if there's space to let things air dry you should air dry. Much more efficient.

Reclaim your power and throw them all away.

thank you everyone, this is incredibly helpful. I'm going to show him this thread.

Flamingo - I know . My feminist credibility will be shot to pieces.

I am not kidding about the teatowels. I've been trying to do some decluttering and he literally said on Friday (he's away for the weekend) 'Don't do anything about the teatowels until I come back and we can go through them together.'

I have been in the habit of thinking it's all about making decisions mutually blah blah blah (it was great when we both worked full time because we shared responsibility for domestic things, rather than it being one of those situations people moan about where their dh will not do jobs unless they specifically asked - I've been SAHM for about a year now) and then I woke up in the night and thought 'FFS! He doesn't trust me to throw away a bloody teatowel by myself!'

I am actually quite angry. I have been finding SAHMing boring and frustrating and I think this is a big part of the reason. I don't think this is an acceptable situation. If he earns the money (and has status and autonomy at work) it is absolutely vital that I have some independence at home.

Custy - that's it - buying a big picture for the living room is a good example of a decision that ought to be made together, but needing vetos over little things is control freaky.

Bubble - you're right. I am letting him do this.

Is your DH by nature a hoarder? Does he find it hard to throw things away?

I am a SAHM. I have full autonomy. If I want DH to do something, I order him to do it .

I do stuff and wait to see how many days/weeks/years it takes dh to notice.

It once took him several weeks to notice I'd repainted the front room .

I am a SAHM and I have full autonomy of pretty much everything apart from his job.

I would throw anything like that away without even mentioning it. And I would faint clean away if DH noticed.

If I am going to spend a big lump of money I do let DH know as a courtesy, but not to ask permission, and he does the same. Am not quite a SAHM, I work pt but do all the house stuff generally.

To be honest though, if DH had chucked away a load of old teatowels without mentioning it, I would be twitchy and want to inspect which ones he was chucking out. Because I am a control freak

Longtalljosie - he finds it hard to spend money on new things!

He's not exactly a hoarder but he has a weird sort of conservatism where if something changes it confuses him. Eg if the colour of a packet changes, or if it is a few inches out of the position it's normally in, he will be unable to find it.

I moved the kitchen handtowel to a new position on Friday and he's not happy....

I have been known to put shirts of dh's that I really don't like into the charity bag. He's never noticed!